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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 08:57

What your son thinks now is not the point. He is not old enough to make decisions on this.

And of course it was rape.

ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 08:58

If you didn't want sex, didn't want a third child, if he sabotaged your attempts at birth control deliberately it was rape.

tipsytrifle · 05/07/2015 09:09

elderfloweriver would you consider having this thread moved to Relationships? You'd get fresh eyes on all this and probably more extensive, detailed advice/suggestions on what you CAN do too. I think fresh eyes on this would be of enormous value to you. I don't want you to continue being a victim too.

hampsterdam · 05/07/2015 09:09

Why would your son hate you? How old is he? You think he will hate you for kicking his dad out? No he won't, he will love you because you're his mum, and when he's old enough he will respect you more for protecting him and his little sisters and being a strong enough person to fight and get out and make something better.
Would you want your son to treat his wife this way when he's grown? Because that's what will happen, this is the model he is learning.

ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 09:12

Your son is already unfortunately learning from his father that he can manipulate you into doing what he wants.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 09:28

He's nice though (my son I mean!)

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 09:49

I feel like I'm minimising women who were hurt and scared who were raped when I wasn't; just cross.

I don't know what to do!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 09:56

Your son will learn from his father. He already is learning.
No you're not minimising anything.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 09:58

He'll want to live with DH if I tell him to go.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 10:01

That should tell you exactly how dangerous your husband is.

If you involve the appropriate authorities as you should he won't have that option.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 10:02

I don't even know where to start and I can't prove anything (DH isn't stupid as you know) he's outsmarted me at every step. He's being nice at the moment. I think he likes how pregnant I am.

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 10:35

Speak to women's aid, today.

Tell them what you have posted here. They will tell you what you can do.

Your dh won't have the snip, because he likes you this way. I think he will do this again. He knows you hate being pregnant, don't want anymore kids and are miserable. He wants you this way so he can control you.

What you need to do is leave. He is turning your son into him.

Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 10:37

You wanted him to have the snip so his abuse doesn't end with you being pg again. What you need to do is end the abuse

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 10:39

I can cope with him having sex with me. I sometimes even enjoy it, but not when I'm half asleep. But I can't cope with pregnancy.

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 10:42

That's not the point.

He is either stupid and doesn't know you only have to have sex once to get pg. or he did it on purpose and is an abuser.

He doesn't sound stupid. He sounds like a man who knows you won't leave when you are pg or if you have too many kids to cope on your own with. He will do this again.

Please call women's aid for your children's sakes

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 10:43

It's quite hard to get through with DH in the house.

OP posts:
Klayden · 05/07/2015 10:54

I sat and read this entire thread because I hate to jump in. I do recognise you from previous posts and I know that your threads often end up with you being attacked but I hope you do find some comfort from those who support you. I don't have any specific advice but I do wish you happiness and peace. You sound like a decent human being and I hope you can see that and believe in yourself. You are worthy of being happy. Flowers

ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 11:38

Call them tomorrow then if he isn't going to be there then.

ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 11:39

And you know he did it on purpose.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 11:42

Maybe but there's sod all I can do to prove it.

OP posts:
ThisTimeIAmMagic · 05/07/2015 12:11

Okay while none of us have the right to expect someone else to have a medical procedure I have sympathy for your viewpoint. We have to suck up pregnancy birth and periods so having a big operation to get sterilised is a bridge too far. I would like to think DH would have one if asked or else face sex at severely restricted times!

Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 12:12

But they can advise you on what to do. And what to do if it happens again.

Athenaviolet · 05/07/2015 12:21

If you stay the same thing is going to happen again.

Once this baby is born he will have unprotected sex with you again. Eventually you will get pregnant again.

The only way to stop another pregnancy is to leave.

Are there any friends/family you could flee to now to at least call WA etc and sort things?

tipsytrifle · 05/07/2015 12:23

elderfloweriver you're getting some seriously sound advice here. Your rage made you put head above parapet with the issue that hides even more issues of the gravest kind. Please don't sink back down into denial and acceptance, resignation and all the rest that make women victims.

You aren't ready yet to see what happened as rape but deep down inside you know the circumstances of this conception. You do because you said so. This doesn't affect your love for DCs born or unborn. But your circumstances are unbearable.

You don't have to prove any damn thing at all. You only need to know if it's time to leave. Your abominable H is well aware how he has you chained to his world. He did it on purpose. He'll do it again next year. You don't have to prove anything at all, do you hear me? You only have to want OUT of this.

tipsytrifle · 05/07/2015 12:29

Do you have a mobile phone to contact WA? Is it passworded? Is there anywhere else you could phone them from? Is H at work through the week? Oh wait, did you say he found threads of yours here before? Don't tell me that isn't policing/controlling/restricting your activities!

There are women on here who have escaped abusive situations by taking all the kids to the shop/park/whatever and never going back. I don't know if you're in that mindset yet but escape is do-able if you're ready. Is there anyone at all in RL you could seek immediate help from?