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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 04/07/2015 22:07

Elder I've no idea what to say. I never do on these threads :( I desperately want to get in the car, drive to wherever the hell it is you are, bundle you and DC's in car and never look back.
I think its brilliant you can post on MN for support when need be although this thread worded as such wasn't too good an idea and I truly hope you find the strength to leave.
This man raped you (yes, raped, If you go "Hold on" he needs to stop) this man abuses you and I doubt this is a pleasant life for your DC's. I hope you leave soon xxxxxxxxx

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 04/07/2015 22:09

You can change their life. Make it better, safer, healthier and happier for all three of them.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 22:11

The problem is, yudo, if I leave he gets to see the dcs. Him being abusive to me doesn't equate, apparently, to him bring abusive to them. And I just can't take that risk and so I am stuck with it, until such time as they are old enough so I can leave and hopefully live out the rest of my days in peace!

It honestly isn't so terrible. Don't forget I tend to come on here when I'm sad. A lot of the time, I'm okay. I am quite good at handling DH and he isn't all bad either - who is? - he does have a lovely side to him but he has gone too far with this, which is why I felt I had to ask him to leave incidentally.

Every time someone shows me kindness here, it helps, I feel less alone.

OP posts:
YUDOTHIS · 04/07/2015 22:15

If he hits you, threatens you in any way shape or form or sexually assaults you CALL the police! this will be more than enough to swing supervised contact. I'd far rather him only see them for a few hours a week than make them miserable day in day out I grew up watching my mum be emotionally abused (he never hit her in front of us) and it damaged me massively, and damaged our relationship beyond repair because she's no longer mentally stable now :( I have DS (5) and dd (15mon) and my mum hasn't seen DS for four years and has never met DD, This WILL damage your children no matter how hard you fight to protect them x

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 22:18

It's lesser of two evils though, isn't it? There just isn't a way that will guarantee they are okay unfortunately.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 04/07/2015 22:20

I wrote a response to you earlier but deleted it as I though I might have been haring off on the wrong track. Not sure I was now and wish I'd posted. Anyway, elderfloweriver - I think this marriage is abusive. I think your H sounds appalling. He imposes sex on you, almost as if keeping you barefoot and pregnant is actually his aim. He must think he is the Horned God or something in his arrogance and active irresponsibility. Like, all this pregnancy and child rearing is your stuff. Maybe also your punishment? I worry about that because in some ways you might also be buying into that last?

I do not doubt you love your DC. Don't think for one moment I'm suggesting otherwise. But you've had enough of this way of life, you're vulnerable again (at his deliberate doing) and are understandably furious. Yet still willing to relieve him of responsibility if only he would offer. Just once. That gutted me. All I can see now is a drop of cyanide in his Horlicks!

This is as appalling a situation as I've read on here for awhile. You're kind of captive to your own self-loathing and added to that there's him - exploiting that as much as he can. Apologies if my opinion isn't as well worded as I'd like. Or if I have it wrong. This just all seems so very wrong by way of a life.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 22:30

It means a lot actually tipsy - I feel like when I write things down sometimes they get confused (partly because of my reluctance to discuss certain things) and DH ends up being the wronged party.

I'm feeling a bit better than last week when I made That Thread in relationships which has endlessly been harked back to on here. Then, I felt like a terrible awful, shitty person.

I'm not. I have made mistakes, though. Hard to untangle them now and say this was the first mistake, this the second. But so many mistakes were because of hiding stuff from DH.

I just can't tell you what it's like living under constant open fire from criticism. I didn't even recognise it at first as I was so used to it from my own mum and dad. But you just give UP. I go out for cake with friends and I am lazy and the house is a mess and you're spending money again aren't you. I don't go out with friends and no one likes you anyway, it's not as if you've got any friends to see. Can't. Win!

And when you know you can't win, you do just feel 'fuck it.'

My dad died. He died nearly four years ago now. Not a day has gone by where I haven't been devastated. Then my brother killed himself. I can't put into words how lonely and frightening it is knowing you've no backup or help or support from anywhere. And I still feel so much guilt, which I know is destructive, but I do and counselling didn't absolve me of it, largely I think because I do bear some responsibility for both those deaths.

I clung to my friend - emotional, not physical affair - because I was desperate for a bit of kindness.

That does not make me some sort of harlot.

OP posts:
EllieFAntspoo · 04/07/2015 22:31

I don't think you have any more right to impose your desire for him to have a vasectomy on him, than he has to require you to take the pill. How about using condoms, or even abstaining from sex if neither of you can agree?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 22:33

Conceded on page 1.

Smile
OP posts:
clam · 04/07/2015 22:33

RTFT, Ellie!

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 22:36

To be fair, it's 18 pages long - I probably wouldn't bother!

OP posts:
clam · 04/07/2015 22:55

So, you want one of you to be sterilised (preferably him, because you hold him responsible for your current pregnancy, as it seems he went ahead with sex against your will?), in the hope that if it happens again, at least you won't end up pregnant with a 4th child.

Wouldn't it be better to actually address the issue of him demanding/expecting/going ahead anyway with sex, rather than who has the snip?

I'm appalled at your posts. You sound so very unhappy. Flowers

MrsV2012 · 04/07/2015 23:58

I'm quite prepared to eat my own words OP Flowers
I messaged you earlier to say so. I'm sorry you are so sad, and I understand x

hampsterdam · 05/07/2015 01:27

What is the risk if you leave him that he will have the kids on his own in his contact time and will abuse them? Would he even bother if you took it to court for supervised access?
My ex was a shit to me, alcoholic arse hole and for a while he was a shit dad but now he is a good dad and has a really great relationship with ds. I think this is a lot better for ds than living with 2 unhappy parents that don't like or respect each other.
I hope you find the strength to leave for yourself and for those innocent little ones that deserve to be happy and for you to be happy. It does sound like he raped you. I'm sorry that happened to you.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/07/2015 02:36

Please think twice about staying to protect the children. It doesn't work that way. They'll see his treatment of you. And eventually, no matter what you do, he'll begin to criticize them. Both of these things are damaging to them. Far better that you have a separate home for them, a place of peace and retreat.

As far as his treatment of them if you are not around, most men like him lose interest in the children after awhile. It's too much hassle for them to actually have to parent on their own. He'll end up spending less time with them than you think.

Just think carefully. IMHO, you'd be better off leaving and so would the children.

Teabagbeforemilk · 05/07/2015 06:58

Op, please do not take Bamb advice and pursue the vasectomy. If you can't get you pg, he will continue to abuse you. possibly even more.

It is not ok for him to that. You are right it's not the babies fault. But you already said you resent your unborn baby (which is understandable in the circumstances) , it's your husband you should resent. He is abusing you.

Op please do not stay for the sake of your kids. You grew up in a home of criticism. It has negatively effected you. Don't let it happen to your children.

What your husband is doing is wrong and totally shitty behaviour. He will start emotionally abusing the kids. When they are older he will. You are not protecting them by staying.

tipsytrifle · 05/07/2015 08:19

Many of us know that awful of abyss of "fuck it all" when there's a constant barrage of criticism. This is abuse. This whole situation is abuse and it's no wonder you're imploding elderfloweriver.

Would you consider talking with Women's Aid? Just thinking that a RL voice might be a good move. That you hear an actual other person say that this is as utterly wrong as it feels, that you are RIGHT to feel so battered internally and physically. It's as if keeping you pregnant and availing himself of your body without your active consent IS the physical abuse he metes out to you.

As I said earlier, there's no doubt you love your DC, but it's possible to see several layers of real horror going on simultaneously. Does this make sense? I'm in awe that you have retained any sense of sanity at all. I'm so sorry that you're up to the neck in this dreadful situation. Please gently explore possibilities of escape? Please talk with WA?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 08:23

I will. Have been meaning to for a while. I've done the freedom programme online with DH - not sure how useful it. Was as he was saying stuff like 'well I have never done THAT'

I just don't want to have to keep being a victim.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 05/07/2015 08:32

Doing anything with your abuser isn't going to help, he isn't going to see any blinding truth of revelation, so I guess he sabotaged that course for you - understandably. Can't let the prisoner see the Light either, can he?

It's little use through a computer screen but I wish you comfort and the courage to start the process of getting out. You're an awesome woman and that last scrap of defiance is marvellous! Perhaps it will turn into a huge fire and burn that prison down. Figuratively speaking.

It can take time to actually get through to WA. They are busy. Email is possible but useful only if he can't find it. Any chance of you seeing a solicitor? Many do a small/tiny consult for free? Maybe even talk with the DV unit at police? Others might have more practical advice.

tipsytrifle · 05/07/2015 08:37

Your abuser is trying to write his own script saying shit like, "well I have never done THAT." Yeah right - I bet he's just done it in another way. He's a sneaky bastard imo but he's still following "the abuser's script". He's not so bloody unique as he likes to think he is. Others will have a link to this script business too, I'm sure.

ilovesooty · 05/07/2015 08:43

He will think he's untouchable since you took him back.

He isn't but you will have to be prepared to go to any lengths necessary to get rid of him for yours and the children's sake.
Get some help from WA as he represents a safeguarding risk to your family. You cannot keep your children safe by taking him back whatever you think.
He is dangerous - to you and your children.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 08:53

But what CAN I do?

OP posts:
OurDearLeader · 05/07/2015 08:53

So he rapes you. That's what he's doing. You don't need sterilising, you need to get rid. Have you considered a refuge? It will be easier to access help from there.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 08:54

And my son resents me anyway - he'll hate meSad

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 05/07/2015 08:55

Honestly I wouldn't call it rape; it was more annoying than anything as I was tired.

OP posts: