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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
hampsterdam · 04/07/2015 16:58

I can't see why what you said about not wanting your children can't be brave and shocking at the same time? I thought it was brave to admit those feelings because it is so shocking.

butterfly133 · 04/07/2015 17:08

I think it is very brave to say you wish you hadn't had children and I would like to offer elderflower Flowers

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:17

Not sure Wayne.

I was only 25 when I had DS. I didn't think I wanted any at that point.

OP posts:
BadLad · 04/07/2015 17:19

If I had been "asked to leave for a bit" by my wife, I think I'd probably lose confidence in the strength of my marriage permanently, whether the difficulties were my fault or hers. I certainly wouldn't be pressured into having surgery I didn't want.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:21

I didn't ask him to leave on a whim, you know.

OP posts:
WayneRooneysHair · 04/07/2015 17:22

Fair enough Elder but unfortunately that does beg the question, why have you had another child and fallen pregnant again? I'm not blaming you, I'm trying to understand how you ended up in this situation.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:24

Because he had sex with me!

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 04/07/2015 17:24

Personally I think a couple who can't come to sensible agreement regarding contraception on their own, without outside opinions or arguing, probably shouldn't be having sex at all. And should be thinking about the future of the relationship.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 17:25

Didn't you want to have sex with him elder?

WayneRooneysHair · 04/07/2015 17:26

Sorry but that's bollocks Elder, why weren't you taking any birth control or why wasn't DH using condoms? You both have a responsibility.

BadLad · 04/07/2015 17:26

Sure, but that underlines my point.

If you asked me to leave for some spurious reason, or on a whim, as you put it , I'd put that down to you having an off day.

If you asked me to leave after, say, catching me in bed with your sister (best not on a whim example I can come up with in a hurry ), then, as I said, I think I'd lose confidence in the chances of the marriage lasting and I certainly wouldn't be being pressured into having surgery.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 17:26

Are you saying he forced you?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:29

I was half asleep teabags bear in mind that this was when DD was a few months old, he obviously was in the mood for it.

I don't remember saying 'no'; I should have.

I DO remember turning my face away, pushing him and saying 'hang on, hold on.'

I thought I had got away with it pregnancy wise. My periods were still all over the shop and I was breastfeeding; I guess I was just very unfortunate.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:30

And I have had months of it being said/insinuated I'm some sort of nymphomaniac by the way because DD is still so little.

So it's a sore point. I DO hold him responsible fairly or otherwise.

OP posts:
Timetodrive · 04/07/2015 17:31

The problem you are going to have now is the thread is too long, the subject matter has changed and multi layered and even if someone tries to read it all it will be skimming and points missed. The vasectomy is a symptom of lots of other issue but this thread will continue by its original title. You have mentioned your children in a thread with other information about yourself, I would not be happy for this thread to remain with the things you have said about DH if I was you.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:32

What have I said about DH? That he is critical of me? He is.

I'm lost to be honest and I feel like that's a threat?

OP posts:
Timetodrive · 04/07/2015 17:34

I was under the impression he has read your posts before, sorry if I got that wrong.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:35

He has before, yes. I know that. Hey DH - if you're reading, you can be a critical arse Hmm

I say it to his face!

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 17:38

I'm sorry that this happened to you, have you spoken with him or anyone else about it?

With respect it maybe worth asking mumsnet HQ to move your post to relationships or mental health (and possibly change the name). The thread has moved on massively from a question about whether it's unreasonable to expect DH to get a vasectomy to you discussing and people offering support and advice about your relationship and your MH. This is more likely to be done in a supportive way elsewhere.

If you don't want that advice it be worth asking for the thread to be deleted as a number of posters now have tried to be supportive without necessarily agreeing with you and it feels like this is not what you want, but sadly people can sense that things are hard for you and want to help.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:39

I don't understand why the thread either had to be moved or deleted Grumpy; I'm sorry.

Some people have been extremely supportive. That's why I post.

OP posts:
LazyLouLou · 04/07/2015 17:46

I think that Grumpy means that as this is currently in AIBU I could sweep back in, 16 pages after my first post and say

FFS OP. You are being a total drama llama and seriously need to get a fucking grip.

Whereas if it were in Relationships I wold probably mind my manners and be much more supportive

elder, this is obviously taking up a lot of your thinking time. It may be the heat, your hormones or depression. I don't know. But maybe pps are right and you might benefit from seeing your gp and discussing your pov with them.

For some reason AIBU gives everyone permission to be really blunt, sometimes callous. I think Grumpy may want to spare you more of that... as do many posters, on this and other threads.

xx

Timetodrive · 04/07/2015 17:46

You have spoken about your children in a way that could be used against you, is he can read this he can print this.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 17:46

So you feel he in effect had sex with you when you didn't want to?

This relationship needs to end. It doesn't matter if he proves anything to you. That's not acceptable. At all.

You feel violated, that's not ok. Why are you together?

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 17:49

It doesn't have to be at all. From reading the thread it feels that this is so much more complex than just AIBU to expect DH to have a vasectomy? People are opening an AIBU thread to comment on that and as a result they aren't purely being sympathetic but offering advice and opinions too (sometimes in a forthright way).
You told me to fuck off because I didn't understand - from your subsequent posts there are clearly many many complex issues involved here which weren't clear at the outset, so you're right - I didn't. But when you post on this board you will get those responses whether you like it or not. This is why I am suggesting (not saying you should) that you might find the thread more palatable if you were getting more sympathetic responses from people who are aware of you wanting a more sympathetic response rather than opinions and advice.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 17:50

ALL I have said about the children is that I wish I had not had them.

That's about my relationship. It isn't a reflection on them. They are nice.

Tea tbh this is why I won't post on relationships, it's complicated.

OP posts: