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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 17:50

Sorry cross posted with LazyLouLou - that's exactly it!

PurpleHairAndPearls · 04/07/2015 18:05

Op has already said on other threads, which presumably he has also read, that her DH has been sexually and financially abusive.

All this introspection about vasectomies, the state of their relationship, return to work dilemmas, are just fiddling while Rome burns really and not addressing the central problem.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2015 18:05

There was a poll recently in which the majority of respondents said they wouldn't have had children if they had to do it over. I don't think there's anything wrong with the regret itself, a dear friend of mine has said the same thing. She was an excellent, caring mother and her now grown daughter is a lovely woman with children of her own. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I think elder has a right to feel as she feels. And it's not for me to criticize or judge, as long as she upholds her end of the motherhood 'deal' and I'm sure she does.

As far as elder's marriage, if she's unhappy she knows the way out.

eddielizzard · 04/07/2015 18:10

i think this idea about motherhood comes naturally and easily is a load of bollocks. maybe for some people. i found it very hard and have slowly picked up the tricks to be a better parent. i had to learn it though. just look at the number of parenting books there are.

evolution doesn't make things perfect and smooth, it just ensures survival however that survival happens.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 18:12

I will say again politely that I have not criticised my children. They are lovely sweet children - dd is just a baby really.

It isn't their fault but unfortunately I have had them at a time when otherwise I would possibly have left.

OP posts:
Timetodrive · 04/07/2015 18:15

Whilst I agree that there is nothing wrong feeling like that about children and brave to say, but this is in black and white with the possibility of a media stalking husband. Parents may feel like this but hopefully the children never find out.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 18:15

I don't tend to read other threads. I did however search the op earlier an only found this one and one asking for if anyone else have ever regretted having 3 kids.

So I had no idea he was sexually abusive. I didn't search until a couple of hours ago. Unless the OP says so in her posts it wouldn't be my assumption. I said earlier I don't know her or recall her threads.

If he is sexually abusive, the snip is the least of her problems. He should be charged with sexual assault

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 18:15

I'm not ashamed of ANYTHING.

OP posts:
INickedAName · 04/07/2015 18:18

OP I've not read your other threads from what you've said here your body has gone through a lot in a short space of time.

I think if DH said something like "flower, I can see the stress after having our dc is taking it's toll on you, looking after them is tiring and I know you're worried about further pregnancies and how we would cope so I'd like to help take some of the pressure off you, should I look into what a vasectomy entails?" It would make a world of difference to the OP, just that he's given it thought shows he's thought of how she's coping.

I know vasectomies carry risk of complications but so does childbirth and female sterilisation. If you both agree that a permanent option is what's needed, can you both look together about both procedures, looks at the chances of complications and what will happen if there's complications, like would DH be able to manage with the children and looking after you should something go wrong? I know you can't make him, but you absolutely should be able to discuss options with him, that's not unreasonable at all.

Also, good luck with the third pregnancy, Flowers

PurpleHairAndPearls · 04/07/2015 18:18

The comment about the OP thinking her children are "nice" but that shehas such relationship problems that she wishes her children hasn't been born is pretty shocking and distressing.

I'm sorry but frankly, it becomes hard to be "kind" when people are harming their DC by staying in such a destructive, damaging relationship which inflicts so much damage on the children as well as the parents.

From Ops own admission, the father can't be bothered (and wasn't and presumably still isn't) allowed unsupervised care of the children, plus they have a mother who is emotionally disconnected from them while she obsesses about her damaged relationship. I understand people have severe depression and mental health issues that they find it difficult to care for their children, but OP is fully aware her problems stem from her abusive husband and relationship but doesn't seem able to prioritise the wellbeing of her DC and leave.

So I will no longer post on your threads OP, I find it too hard to engage with, I hope you manage to sort things out, for yours and your childrens' sake.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 04/07/2015 18:19

If my DH had refused that would have meant no sex. He could have refused as it was his body but if I fell pg again then I would terminate and I would have ended my marriage. After 4 horrendous pregnancies and births I wasnot prepared to go through another procedure to be sterilised. So he could have refused but then there'd be no more sex.
Thankfully, he felt it was the least he could do.

ItsNotAsPerfectAsItSeems · 04/07/2015 18:22

I don't find motherhood either natural or easy. Some days I find it hideous.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 18:37

Also If she had said that he was abusive, I would still say don't make him the snip as he would see that as the green light to do what he wants, since there is less danger of pg

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/07/2015 19:06

The comment about the OP thinking her children are "nice" but that shehas such relationship problems that she wishes her children hasn't been born is pretty shocking and distressing

No it's not loads of people with kids having problems in relationships will think "Christ this is made very difficult because we have kids it would be so much easier if we didn't"

The op obviously has a slightly harsher way of expressing herself

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 19:07

Thank you again sock for understanding what I mean!

OP posts:
CassieBearRawr · 04/07/2015 19:30

I'm so sorry to hear about what has happened to you elder. Honestly if you were my friend sat telling me this now I'd be urging you to consider leaving. While giving you loads of support and tea/chocolate/wine as appropriate. Flowers

MistressMerryWeather · 04/07/2015 20:15

I think the most shocking and distressing thing on this thread is how completely defeated OP sounds.

Elder, I have no idea what to say but there is something very, very wrong going on with your relationship and it's not you. My heart is bloody breaking reading your posts.

This is beyond unhappiness. No one should have to live this way.

Your last few posts especially. I'm not going to label what happened, it wouldn't be helpful right now but I can see why you feel like live stock.

You really can't go on like this. Fucking hell.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 20:28

Thanks both.

You're very kind.

Flowers
OP posts:
Grahol1986 · 04/07/2015 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 20:38

If the cap fits grohal Hmm

ilovesooty · 04/07/2015 20:39

Welcome to MN *Grahol Hmm

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 20:41

Hello grahol DH is that you?

OP posts:
MrsV2012 · 04/07/2015 20:54

Grahol you're a delight aren't you? Hmm

Bambambini · 04/07/2015 21:48

If your husband has the habit of ejaculating in you when you are half asleep and doesn't give a shite that his actions could result in an unwanted pregnancy then yes, insist he has a Vasectomy or PIV sex is off the menu completely - or you could leave as your relationship sounds very unhealthy.

I understand why you think it is his turn to shoulder this responsibility.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 21:51

Thank you.

I just want to say as well, that I love my children, they are darlings. I couldn't love them more if I tried.

Which is why it is rubbish they have this life. Somewhere there was a life with a nice normal lovely husband and dad but not this one and I'm responsible for that.

Not wishing they were here, doesn't mean they aren't loved and it's why I'm reluctant to talk about the circumstances of dc3s conception. It isn't her fault!

OP posts: