...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

I'd advise backing right off with initiating any hugs/kisses with your daughter.

DS was never a very cuddly toddler. I split up with his dad when he was 4.5 and wanted lots of kisses and cuddles from him but the more I tried, the more he resisted. So I stopped. I still touched him, lots of head stroking, holding hands etc but no kisses and cuddles unless he asked for them. It was really hard. But eventually he started to want kisses and cuddles and now as a 7.5 year old, he's very physically affectionate, especially with me and also tells me all the time that he loves me and I'm the best mum!

So, it may well come with time if you give her some space.

Apologies if this has been covered but does swimming help? Especially being in the sea where you have to be skin to skin but she will be distracted by the water? I find being in water with my children = too much touching and like you I normally can't get enough.

With one of mine I do wrestle on the floor a lot to achieve the contact i crave!

I mean we have wrestling matches with prizes- not that i wrestle her to the floor for ahug!

Does your DD have cuddly toys and a baby doll?

Your daughter clearly loves you.
Some people don't like close physical contact. It doesn't reflect their feelings! (I am not a cuddler. I can't bear hugs.)

Being absolutely blunt here, with truly only the kindest intentions, I worry that your daughter could struggle with your issues while you continue to try to resolve them.

To help her you could try to encourage close relationships with other wonderful stable people you know, a couple of godmothers perhaps? Other adults to support to grow up secure.

Best of luck. Your daughter sounds lovely by the way.

Sorry OP. YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU. Your daughter is showing you tonnes of love by being 'fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful.' Physical contact is not love, it is one expression of it. Your daughter expresses love differently. It sounds to me like you wanted to be a Disney mum, all fun fun and best gal pals and you got real life instead. I also worry about how you'll cope as she gets older and she doesn't want/need you 'dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.' She's a person not a dolly. Start treating her as one rather than your emotional plaything! I was raised by a very similar mother and I can't stand being around her btw

"The OP says counselling and therapy 'haven't worked', not that no suggestions have been made. After twenty years of therapy I'm sure this subject has been covered from all angles."

I disagree. Therapies can be RADICALLY different in terms of focus and people can be more or less ready to make change at various points. I had had a lot of therapy at one point that did naff all, and then I hit rock bottom and things changed. If it hasn't worked yet it doesn't mean it never will, and what's the alternative? Live life feeling fucked up and perhaps fuck up a relationship that means the world to the OP?

OP I think your little girl sounds like a total dude!

My son is the same (he is just one)...and every day I am reminded how much like his father he is. I fell in love with a man who is quite distant, and on a romantic level I LOVE this as I adore the chase, and constantly have to work hard to get the physical attention I want. Totally works for me, turns me on, keeps me interested...juvenile perhaps, but I really hate being suffocated in a romantic relationship, and can't stand needy men.

HOWEVER, it is NOT as much fun with my own son!!! I want the snuggles!! I want him to need me a bit!! But he doesn't unless he has a problem. As soon as I realised he was just like his father, I relaxed. This is his little character, he isn't needy and maybe this will help him on some level through his life. Maybe mean girls won't hurt him so much!

I totally understand that you don't know your daughter's father, so you can't enjoy the similarities of the two people you love most in the world, BUT this is your gorgeous little girl's unique personality...maybe her father is an equally cool dude?! She sounds so happy, totally fulfilled...she just doesn't want to be smothered and I that is perfectly ok. You have done a great job with her, well done! Imagine how wonderful it will be over the coming years when she does reach out to you for physical affection...it will mean so much!

Oh, I also do all the wrestling with my DS to get the attention. He gets a good mauling every night (which quickly makes him furious!). And I chase his chubby thighs up the stairs and try to bite them. He loves to be chased (like his Dad...) so he doesn't mind that at all!

Hattiebones what a lovely post. That made me feel really good, so I hope it helped OP too!!

Hello, sorry I never anticipated such a huge response and it's hard to keep up and reply to everyone properly. I am still really humbled that you would take the time to write considering I came across as such a loony last night. I just reached a bit of a breaking point I think. (Still cringing)
I was interested at the BPD comment, I've worked in mental health nursing for a while so know quite a lot about that sort of thing. During my therapy I asked a psychiatrist if that was a possibility as its something I have some traits of. He didn't think so for a few reasons but mostly that I normally have quite good inbuilt coping mechanisms and my moods are not usually that extreme. I have no anger issues blah blah anyway.
Someone asked if my daughter has a doll or teddy. She doesn't like cuddly animal toys at all but is OBSESSED with all things baby. She wants to play with babies and dolls all day long and will 'mother' her dolls to within an inch of their lives. She will cuddle them and coo them and endlessly fuss over them.
We do go swimming and she squirms out of my hands and just wants to play in the shallow bit. sigh!
I have three wonderful close friends who my daughter is 'close' to and hangs out with. They adore her and she likes them so she does have other people in her lives apart from me. I have other friends of course but they are the ones I see weekly or bi-weekly.
I need to look at the thread again to see what I've missed..

Shovetheholly - just wanted to say that was such a lovely response and so thank you. So so sweet and gentle and especially defending me against the 'worse than a toddler' comment which I did think was a bit extreme. Admittedly at my most distressed - which I was last night - I can feel really deep emotions and react strongly to them, but I think most people do. Most of the time I'm quite grown up! I'm a senior nurse, a good friend and actually a very doting daughter to my rather ice queen mother. I'm mostly a good mum but I've been worn down for two years now and it's hard.

Oh and yes it's no coincidence that I went into the nursing profession, I absolutely do thrive on helping and nurturing other people to try to make up for the lack of it coming in my direction. I feel empathy very, very strongly and deeply as I in many ways feel very raw and sensitive inside myself.
And yes my therapy up until two years ago addressed mostly my mother issues and then the stuff I've had since did try to address helping the way I feel with my daughter. It worked to come extent believe it or not. Especially group therapy it was wonderful to hear the stories of other mums going through difficulties and know it wasn't just me....

My firstborn ds was like this. He would push away from me, hardly ever liked being held etc. I can still remember the time he got lost under a big parachute in a toddler group and I found him sobbing for me, because it was so rare for him to 'need' me in that way.

I was younger when I had him and still affected by my own childhood issues. So I definitely had to admit, I had wanted and expected a child to make up for the lack of love in my childhood.

I had ONE too so it made for a huge learning curve and at times hard road with my firstborn.

I had counselling and went on to have two more children. Two very cuddly dds. My ds is 9 now and I can honestly say he has taught me so much about myself and parenting.

He is a wonderful, smart and thoughtful boy. I realise that of course he always loved and needed me. It was me that was insecure. He is just his own wee character and I can see in him now that he's not overly touchy, cuddly etc. But he has very deep emotions. Actually he is a lot like my dh.

Sometimes as adults and parents our own insecurity and childhood can affect how we see our kids. But it's crucial to somehow stand back and be a base from which our kids can grow and flourish.

Sorry ONE should read PND

Flossy thanks for answering my question about cuddly toys/dolls. I have a few more questions as I'm trying to understand your situation more. Do you play with the baby dolls and make a fuss over them too? Does your daughter get jealous/pay you more attention if you cuddle other children?

It basically boils down to the cuddling question. You feel let down because you were desperate to be cuddled and your mother wouldn't and now you have a child who takes after her grandmother. You are sandwiched between the two generations who are alike and I can see the disappointment. Obviously you blamed your mother and were going to be very, very different and then you get a child like your mother!
I would just accept that is how it is- some people are very tactile and some are not.
All children are different- some don't want skin to skin contact - and your DD seems to be quite loving and 'normal' without it.
I cringed when you said that you were a nurse and cuddled elderly people and they loved it. I would hate to be cuddled by a nurse and since I am over 60yrs I can't see me changing!
There is nothing wrong in not being tactile- except that tactile people insist upon thinking there is something wrong with you and their way is better.

Flossy - just a suggestion re the cat idea. We have two tonkinese cats and they are amazingly affectionate. They jump into bed and snuggle up. They come scampering to the front door to jump up for a cuddle when we arrive home at the end of the day. They follow my daughters from room to room. We don't have the space for a dog but the tonkinese are fabulous pets.
Good luck with everything, it sound like you have a great kid.

Jesus. I am sorry if I seem blunt because I genuinely don't want to be hurtful, but PLEASE get help now, for the sake of your child.

Your attachment is completely fucked up. You are not being a safe base for your child to explore the world. You are sitting crying beside her begging her to love you, for fuck sake! You are not modelling healthy attachment and healthy love - you sound like you are trying to model codependency, and your child is railing against it. For now. Until she starts blaming herself for the whole mess and starts trying to placate you as a few years go by, which is quite likely.

So essentially you had a remote mother and that's left you with a whole bucket of issues and you feel as rejected by your daughter as you were by your mother and you're acting like the small rejected child again. If you'd had a cuddly DD then it would have proved your DM was wrong but instead it has reinforced all the loss and rejection you felt as a child.
Tricky.
It does seem that these things swing between generations until someone gets a grip. I'm thinking of people who were neglected who in turn are clean freaks and then their children react against that etc. Any extreme behaviour can beget the opposite and it swings wildly until someone gets control.
So counselling, ADs, giving yourself a kick. You need to be the brake on the pendulum. Step back. Accept that smiles and giggles are a reward. The eyes looking for you in a crowded room, tense and then relaxing as they see you. That's what you need. You're her world. Steady and secure. Why would she need to chase it? As she goes out into the world you will see her come back and share relief.

God I know it's banging my head against a brick wall and I do really feel for you because you would not be in this situation if you were capable of secure attachment yourself - but I am so sad to think of your little girl's developing attachment style. You are setting her up for disorganized attachment if you keep going like this, and the total clusterfuck of relationship that will become her reality. Please, please go to family therapy. She's so little! There is time to make a huge difference.

So please will you stop crying infront of your dd every night now?

And as one who had followed your posts and now recent ones there's an awful lot of i in them.

It's not about you now is it? It's about your dd.

I am not meaning to be a cow but really op you have had great advice and support here.

How are you going to change because change is needed in you for your dds sake. And yours of course.