...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

Repetitive behaviours, lack of joint attention and strong preference for routine could indicate autism. Not a dislike of cuddles by itself.

I agree with Don. I wouldn't want to be close to someone that cried next to me daily; I'd be turned off by them. It does sound your DD is only there to fill a hole in your life, with no thought of hers.

Aww OP, I'm sue it was difficult to be so honest but it's good to get it out there. Have you any extended family? You say she's 'all' yours but ime close friends & family 'own' a part of my dc by being part of their lives-a variety of significant adults & children, if possible is beneficial as they will learn everyone is different in levels if affection. If I tell my nearly 2 yo 'I love you' she immediately says 'don't say that', or if I try to kiss her
She says 'NO KISSES!' She's still adorable & usually smiles affectionately when she says it. She finds it funny when I say 'oh sad...'& put a sad face on. At that age they love to be contrary. Agree with pps that you need to find some fulfilment elsewhere. Even as an adult I hate when anyone has high expectations of me emotionally. Your main job is looking after her. She's got growing up to do & shouldn't feel obliged to make you feel better. Let her come to you but keep gentle contact-a quick rub on the head, some high fives etc

Good luck & take care of yourselves

I'm sorry but please don't put so much pressure on her. She's tiny and her mother sobs beside her each morning. It isn't fair. Some people aren't demonstrative - it doesn't mean they don't love you. Some children become more so as they grow up, some don't.

You say you've had counselling - what did this uncover and what did you do to work through any issues?

I'm sorry, you sound so unhappy I hope you resolve your unhappiness soon.

Huge hug for you here OP
I have three kids.
My eldest at 13 refuses any affection whatsoever. Puberty is a bastard.
My middle hugs me voluntarily only when she wants something but most spontaneous hugs are either in competition with her brother or go to daddy.
My youngest hugs me lots but also hits me, bites me and most hugs are a ruse to try and access breastmilk 'stealth boobing'.

Roll with it. Take the highs. Enjoy her company. Focus less on the tactile. Get a cat.

My youngest was like your DD. As a baby he squirmed and was happiest in the bouncer and would always pull away from me as a toddler.

Now he is 4, he has started spontaneously hugging and kissing me. On his terms and when he feels like it.

My oldest, is the opposite. A real cling-on.

They and we are all different.

I bet when your DD gets older, she will start to kiss and hug. Perhaps not as much as you but still more.

OP, I mean this in a gentle way, but you seriously need to stop sobbing next to your DD every day. Get up and go elsewhere if you need to. That is out of order and a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a toddler. You are the adult- you need to act like it.

Hey op,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.

It sounds to me like you love you daughter very much. It's very tough with children, especially little ones because you are completely taken for granted by them.
They don't know a world any different.

At your dds age my dd would also rudely shove away kisses/cuddles.

At 3.5 I am starting to get random displays of affection. It will come in time.

The first time dd told me she loved me I had just got off the toilet and she ran up to me, hugged my knee abs said 'I ov oo mummy, you do a poo?'

OP you are damaging your child by sitting next to her crying. I feel sad for you but it is your daughter I have most sympathy for.
Have you thought that maybe she is afraid to hug you because of how you are?

And I'm certain your DD loves you. She sounds great, what kind of stuff do you enjoy doing together?

To start with you really need to stop sobbing for hours sitting next to her. You're probably scaring her. How is a two year old supposed to deal with that?

How about just backing off a bit? Reduce your expectations, just be happy and chatty with her and expect nothing. You may he surprised.

My own dd wasn't too keen on big hugs and demonstrations at that age and would pull away. Now age 8 she's the most affectionate and cuddly girl ever.

Have a hug.

Now, now, this week, get some counselling. Pay if you can, to avoid a year on a waiting list. If not, see the gp this week.

I am not a psychologist, I'm an old woman, what do I know? I'll share my opinion, anyway. You crave love and affection. You thought you'd get it from your child. She doesn't know she's 'supposed' (in your view) to meet your needs. She's her own person and she's not giving you what you need.

But that's not her role, OP. You're doing her harm by expecting it. You don't want to do her harm. You love her. But your needs aren't being met... by talking this through with a counsellor you will be able to come to terms with it. You'll be able to relax and be the mummy your little DD needs.

Someone upthread said 'Live in the moment' - excellent strategy.

I have a completely un-huggy child. She will kiss me when she goes to preschool because all the other children do but doesn't want kisses and hugs normally. I wish she did like it but, and this is important, you are there to meet the emotional needs of your child, NOT the other way round. You love and care for the child you have, not the child in your head. Stop crying next to her, that is not OK.

I had some luck with a parenting class. It taught me what child I had, and what my unmet needs were that were interfering with my parenting. Ultimately, parenting has to be selfless. You need to find other ways of meeting your needs and stop expecting your child to.

My Dd1 was JUST as you describe. Bright, funny, fiercely independent and totally non contact. It was so difficult and I had PND and it nearly destroyed me.
BUT... she changed..slowly. She's a young adult now.. she's coming home after months away at University and I KNOW the first thing she will do is lift me off the floor and hug me til I can't breathe! (she's 4 inches taller than me and finds it funny)

Children are individuals.. some get cuddly little ones some don't. You have to go with it, and you HAVE to stop forcing yourself on her and sobbing..that is very damaging to you both. She is a toddler and she will change massively over the coming years but it will be at her pace. Play with her and expect nothing in return..the results may surprise you.

NO bashing here.. it is very difficult to bond properly with someone who doesn't seem to need you.. but she does. Truly I only totally bonded with my DD1 when she reached 18.. she seemed to resent being parented her entire childhood... but now as an adult she is amazing, and leaves me in no doubt of her love.

Her siblings btw were totally different... it made loving them easier for sure, but in an odd way the love I get from DD1, while complicated, is SO special.

PS I doubt it's Autism in case you are concerned.. my DDs2 is autistic. Indescriminately affectionate to everyone!

Hang in there... you haven't ruined your life to be saddled with an individual who doesn't want you.. she just needs you to be there..

My ds is not as affectionate as my dd. He was never a cuddly baby either even though I am very affectionate. He is nearly 8 now and even now he will come and give me a cuddle in bed but then want to go off and read where as my DD will want a cuddle and snuggle up. I think my DS just likes his own space.

I think you will feel a lot happier and more relaxed with her when you are able to recognise that hugs and love aren't the same and that her way of expressing love is different from yours. Her happiness and smiles are how she shows love to you. Her placidity shows that you have cared for her so that she is contented. That's her way of repaying love.

Children are very wary of adult neediness. They are tiny. They need you to survive. They need to be the needy ones. It scares them if we demand too much from them. They can't give it. She might be picking up signs of how much you need her love to feel OK about your life. that's really not a healthy or happy state of mind for either of you to endure. I think you need to stick with some counselling until you can find ways to change this outlook on your life.

Physically, I'd ease off. Give her a very quick embrace and back off before she has time to stiffen. Give her a quick peck on the top of her head or blow her a kiss, or sign I love you. See how she responds to less overwhelming gestures of love.

Also may sound odd but in case her reasons are practical - clean your teeth first and make sure your perfume isn't overpowering and that you've had a shower. DC are super sensitive to smells and can tense if we smell overpowering to them. A kiss that reeks of coffee, smoke or wine, or morning breath, or a sweaty hug will make them tense not snuggly.

You urgently need support with attachment. What you describe is chasing her for affection with her dodging. This is a pattern that can arise when you as an adult have an insecurely attachment style yourself. You can and should get help. Things will get better when you see this differently xxx

Op I have/had (we're nc) a mother who was constantly craving physical affection from me - when I hit puberty and naturally wanted to pull away a little bit, I had endless rounds of sobbing "but why don't you kiss/cuddle/sit with meeeee?! Don't you love me?!"

It was intense and stifling and every time she grabbed and pawed at me I flinched/tensed up/pulled away, if she'd have just backed off a bit, I'd have eventually come to her

All I'm saying is don't put all your need for affection on a child, it's not their responsibility to ensure you feel loved and get the daily 'touches' you require - also your daughter is probably just a less physical person, I know that after wrestling my kids all day and I'm 'all touched out' by the time poor DP comes home

Are you dating? Maybe you need to direct your energies elsewhere than on a tiny child who won't know why you keep crying at her

Dude, you need a partner.

I seriously think you have over romanticised parenthood.

We don't have babies we have people and they are all different.

You are placing a huge burden on your child. Get help.

And I was going to say, find another way to express your love. DD won't hug a lot but we play this game where we say, "I love you more than..." and add things like chocolate, trees, the beach. She loves it and it's completely non-threatening to her, unlike forced physical affection.

Fango yes I was just going up post that. It's a real mumsnet misconception.

Oh op look they are what they are. I remember crying to dh because my ds2 cried if I cuddled him. After a very cuddly ds1 I thought he hated me. Daft daft.

They are now 25/24 and still the same. ds2 is the most generous person I know but he just doesn't like to cuddle too much.

One of my dds is the same too. Thru still have a huge capacity for love just like your dd but kids can't forfill your needs. You need to sort that out for yourself.

Please stop crying alongside her too. It's not fair and it will shut her down more.

Respectfully you had the baby now you have the reality and not the fantasy and it's. Million times better. Your dd sounds ace. Celebrate her as she is.

This must be very hard. I think it may help if you stopped crying over her all the time. Could you try masking your upset for her sake? I am not trying to minimize your pain. I think you sound really upset and the situation truly awful and distressing for both of you. You can't change her behaviour if you don't change your own. She is only a little girl. She probably doesn't know what to do which means you have to be the one who fixes things. Try changing the way you interact with her and she may change the way she interacts with you. Even if she doesn't start showering you with affection your relationship could improve. You could try respecting her boundaries and just coming in with a big smile and a cheery 'good morning' and not hugging her. See how you get on together without the attempted physical contact and crying. Things could improve.

My older one was not a huggy child. Preferred the pushchair to being carried. Hated the sling. Slid off my lap, didn't want to cuddle and read a book. He had his moments when I could cuddle him, but it wasn't often returned... even when he was school age. I had to learn what touches he would welcome when he was young. He liked to be held and swung around, he liked to wrestle, he would like to sit next to me in my bed to watch Bewitched before he went to nap and he liked piggyback/shoulder rides which are kind of like backward hugs!

He is now a young adult/old teen. We had to put down one of my chickens this weekend and I sobbed with big fat tears running down my face (I'm not much of a crier usually). He came to my room and gave me a big long squeezey hug and a kiss on my cheek. He is more cuddly now than he was as a child.

Trust me, it may happen one day... maybe a long time from now, and it will be sweeter because of it. Or it may not, and DD will show her love for you in a different way... drawing you pictures or wanting to sit and read books or wanting to paint your toenails or brush your hair.

It is the parent's job to love the kid though, not the other way around. It is not an equal partnership.

BTW, #2 was extremely touch needy. Wanted to be in contact every minute of every day. It was completely overwhelming. Be careful what you wish for!

I think you measure love in a different way from your dd. My dd (11 now) was always the same. She has never liked cuddles or kisses. Even as a small baby. Now when I go in to kiss her goodnight she sort of absentmindedly wipes the kiss off as she reads her book. I know she loves me because of the things she says.

Perhaps your dd is not responding to your crying as she is used to it. We emigrated when my dds were 2 and 5. I cried all the time. Daily. In the supermarket. Driving the car. Mopping the floor. My dc definitely stopped noticing. Not that I wanted them to notice! I couldn't seem to help the crying and they became immune to it.