...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

I feel sorry for your child. Please get better help. Who says this about their own child?

If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved.

No sympathy from me, sort yourself out. You should be ashamed of this selfish rant.

*Have a hug.

Now, now, this week, get some counselling. Pay if you can, to avoid a year on a waiting list. If not, see the gp this week.

I am not a psychologist, I'm an old woman, what do I know? I'll share my opinion, anyway. You crave love and affection. You thought you'd get it from your child. She doesn't know she's 'supposed' (in your view) to meet your needs. She's her own person and she's not giving you what you need.

But that's not her role, OP. You're doing her harm by expecting it. You don't want to do her harm. You love her. But your needs aren't being met... by talking this through with a counsellor you will be able to come to terms with it. You'll be able to relax and be the mummy your little DD needs.*

This exactly.

I can understand you being disappointed that you don't have a cuddlier child. But the crying for an hour in the morning because she won't hug you - that is honestly not normal. you need to talk to someone as soon as possible about this.

Crying for an hour next to a 2 year old because of lack of your definition of affection is outside the realm of usual. Defining a normal happy 2 year old's response to you as "cold and unaffectionate" because she doesn't like physical connection is ditto outside the realm of usual responses. You are in a spiral here and it is about you - not her.

You love your dd and she loves you but you cannot continue like this. your child - whom you do love and who desperately loves you - deserves more from you. you are her only parent. She loves you, she depends on you, her entire future life may well be shaped by your relationship with her. You matter to her way way more than a cuddle and a kiss. You need to sort this out as soon as possible so you can love her and parent her the way you and she deserve.

It's you that has the problem, not her. It sounds like you have some deep rooted issues and I recommend that you seek further therapy if possible. At least talking to a close friend / sibling maybe, you obviously don't have to tell them all but explain you're lacking support even affection.

I wish the best for you both. Please avoid crying or sulking in front of your dd as she will have definitely picked up on this and it may even be fuelling the issue.

You need to stop crying in front of your child. It could be contributing to the issue as children generally find crying parents unsettling and frightening. She could be trying to put some distance between you for that reason.

Definitely second other peoples advice of therapy as it sounds like you are looking to base all your self worth on the affection of your dd which isn't healthy for either of you.

Oh OP, I feel horrible for you. You seem so sad.

But you can't wake your child up and then cry next to her. You can't sit her down and watch TV and cry because she's not being affectionate. It puts such pressure on her and her instinct is probably to pull away.

Please see your GP and get some help. This isn't fair on you or your DD.

Not much sympathy from me. OP, you can't touch someone who doesn't want to be touched - in every relationship in your life, if there is touching, it needs to be consented to by both parties. That applies even moreso for a child than an adult!

If your experience of parenting isn't delivering you the experiences you hoped for, well, to be frank that's just tough. You have a responsibility to parent the child you had not the one you wanted, even if you don't particularly enjoy it. By all means get counselling or grit your teeth and get on with it or whatever you need to do.

Hi, OP. I'd like to offer you some new suggestions, if I may?

My DS is exactly the same age is your DD, and he's not overly cuddly either unless he's hurt or poorly. In the mornings when I go to get him up, the first thing I want to do is wrap him in my arms - but I don't. I say hello, ask if he slept well, and ask what he wants to do next - usually he'll say "go downstairs" and as we go down the stairs I will tell him I missed him and I'm looking forward to playing with him today. In this way, he feels I love him completely without me putting any demands on him to reciprocate. Then, throughout the day, I will play alongside him, trying to inject as much laughter as possible in our play time, and although he's in the throes of "Terrible Twos" and shouts "No!" at me much more often than I'd like, on the whole he enjoys playing with me and will laugh and say "silly mummy" when I'm playing the clown. Those are his own ways of showing affection. Sharing his most precious trains are his ways of showing affection. Letting me play beside him even though I don't always do it the way he wanted it, is showing me affection. Saying thank you for his lunch, is showing me affection. He's just not tactile, he shows his love in other ways and it was hard for me a little, too, because I am a hug monster and I love giving affection in that way - but it feels stifling and restricting to him, so I let him give it to me on his terms.

It does seem as though you are looking for fulfilment in life just through your child, so my recommendations for you personally are to start online dating and to find a hobby. Preferably do both immediately! Placing all your eggs in one basket never ends well, no matter what or who that basket is. I realise all of this must be so difficult for you to read when you're feeling so emotionally fragile, so take it easy and just realise that there is a fracture in the relationship and you're working your way towards mending it - it is possible, if you really want it to work.

And if you can, find your local Sure Start Children's Centre (if there is one close to you), they have some fab social groups and development groups that I think would help you make friends with people also struggling with similar issues, and give your daughter the opportunity to develop some of those social skills that might lead to her realising the impact and benefits of more tactile interactions.

Good luck to you, OP. Would love to hear back from you to see what you've taken from all these comments (mostly supportive).

Hi OP. I'll go along with the kinder responses, although my first instinct was to belch napalm all over you.

But for gods' sake get yourself ADs as a first step. The crying has to stop. Right now you're at the top of a very slippery slope, one that leads to some very dreadful things.

OP she is 2. 2yos are highly egotistical and worry about what they want over and above all else. They are too busy to consider others, bit like they won't share toys. It's a developmental stage, your daughter is not cold.

Dd1 was the unhuggiest child ever, she's now 6 and I have to manhandle her off me.

You need to control how you react to her rather than trying to control what she does and judging her.

Hmm, yes I'm sure you feel awful 'not having cuddles'. I never was a cuddly child, or even now as an adult. I just don't like it - that's just me. I'm not cold, I'm not autistic. Just me. It was horrible, as a child, being suggested I was both of those things and worse by a mother who was supposed to love me unconditionally. Didn't realise having to be her emotional crutch was part of being her daughter. You need help, she most likely does not.

You need to speak with a psychotherapist and your GP. I think it's quite telling that you envisaged a huge struggle with a difficult baby and a resulting strong bond. I used to be a very unhappy person, and a lot of my day dreams and visions of how things would be revolved around everything being very big, complex and dramatic and difficult, it was like everything good in my life had to fought tooth and nail for and I liked the "romance" of it. I had therapy and it was wonderful for me, I haven't thought that way for years and years.

You need help, and it's there for the taking, get this sorted asap.

The problem is OP you thought you were having a baby, that you could mould into what YOU wanted. However you forgot that you are giving birth to a person. A person who has a lot of traits the minute they pop. That's who they are.

You say you would dump her if it was a partner relationship. Well, it's not. You choose partners you don't choose your child. My dd was and is very cuddly, slept with us, loved sitting on my knee for hours. Ds (now 4) was not, he wouldn't co sleep, didn't like cuddles, didn't ask for cuddles, won't let you check him if he has fallen over and comfort him. It's has never made me feel rejected. A bit surprised, but not rejected because he is just him.

Now he is older he is better. He asks for cuddles occasionally, occasionally kisses me on the cheek. He still refuses to kiss me on the lips and has never spent the night in our bed and won't even climb in it now to watch telly on morning. He has 'his spot' on the sofa (yes like Sheldon) and likes to sit there with a bit of space. But he is so funny and kind, he is a great kid. He is just not affectionate.

You need to let your child be her own person rather than trying to make her fill the gaps in your life. If you continue to act like you are and make her her feel bad that she isn't what you want her to be, then your bond will will become weaker and weaker.

You've had some good replies and advice already.

I actually have the opposite problem with DC3 (although I don't doubt mylove forhim); he is so incredibly tactile it drives me a bit barmy. He'snot clingy - he's very confident and independent - but when he is with me he has his arm up my sleeve stroking my upper arm, when heclimbs into our bed every bloody night he wwon'tstop sstroking my back and seems able to do it in his sleep. He's been like this since he was about 4 months old (wanted to sleep on the book and woke every time I detached him right til I weaned him totally and against his will in desperation at 13 months).

He's a big 4.5 year old now and as tactile as ever, and sometimes I do snap "I just want to sit down for 1 minute without anyone touching me!" Or threaten not to let him in our bed if he strokes me (because he'll do it for the rest of the night if I don't stop him) and then I feel bad because it'sjust how he expresses affection, and I love him so much and don't want to reject him.

I have a 10 year old and a 7 year old who both still sit on my lap too though - sometimes it'sjust all a bit much and I want a lot of some pphysical space! It has affected my relationship with DH too as tbh the last thing I want once I get the kids to bed is to cuddle :(

I do think you need to stop crying so much in front of your dd - it's only going to push her away as she gets older and must be rreally confusing for her. It'sok for kkids to see their parents cry occassionally, but not hours every day

I think the trouble comes from you being 'all consumed by it'. Get out and do other things. You seem to be expecting your child to fulfil all sorts of things for you and have an idealised picture of motherhood and raising a 'best friend'. You now have the reality.
All babies and children are different and you need to support the one that you got- not the one that you wanted. I am always surprised that people decide on something like attachment parenting before they have the child- they don't all want to be attached!
Some babies, children and adults are just not tactile- there is nothing whatsoever wrong with this, it is just assumed by tactile people that there is something lacking in them and that ideally everyone should be tactile.

I would get some professional help. You seem to think that a child would fulfil you and solve any problems. Unfortunately the problems go with you.
The more needy you are the more your child is going to distance herself. They are very astute at reading body language. Have you got family and friends that can look after her and give you a break?

The best thing is to get babysitters, use a nursery and get out and do things for yourself. See a GP and get help in sorting your problems. Having a child won't sort them.

My DM still makes me feel guilty for not being the huggy child she wanted. It has really damaged my self esteem and made me feel like I will never be good enough. Still to this day, I get made to feel guilty that she has no one to hug her. Not My Fault!

Don't do this to your lovely, gorgeous DD. To put it bluntly, the second you became a parent, her needs came first. You just need to figure out how to do this.

A baby is not a blank sheet. When you looked at your new born baby you had no idea who they were. Now you are finding out. That is the excitement of parenthood. They may be what you hoped for, they may suit your personality, they may think the same way as you- OR they might not. Whoever they are they need love and acceptance and freedom and support to be that person.
Let go of your notion of what you expected and enjoy the reality.

My dd was a bit like this- although at 2.8 likes the odd cuddle on her terms...she wouldn't share a bed with us for all the chocolate buttons In the world and She never needed or wanted cuddling, rocking or kissing to sleep. I fleetingly think it would be nice if she was a bit more affectionate but she isn't and that's just her. She is super excellent just like your dd.

It is waaaay too much emotional pressure to sit and cry next to her. It's not a normal reaction and it's not fair. You sound like you do have pnd and think you should see a gp. Hope you are ok op.

OP lots of interesting responses here.
I'm in the opposite boat, I'm the type of person your dd is, and both my children love cuddles.
I must admit I've found it tough to mould myself to be someone that cuddles, personal space has always been so important for me and it is constantly invaded. they are my children so I make a huge effort and I don't think they can ever accuse me if being unaffectionate.

Children are selfish. Especially toddlers. All she sees is you trying to invade her personal space. You need to find other ways of emotional fulfillment with her, like reading a book together, going in walks together etc. She sounds like an intelligent little girl, so love her for who she is, not what you want her to be.

Put yourself in her shoes op. She is going to grow up believing that who she is as a person is not good enough. That's an awful message to send.

You need to find another way to meet your needs. It isn't her job. Her job is to be exactly who she is and be loved for it. Part of being a parent is showing them healthy relationships to help them learn for the future. do you think that what you are modelling to her now is going to help her when one day in the future she becomes a mother?

also your comparisons to a romantic relationship worry me. she is not your partner. This is a completely different relationship, partners are equal, parents and children are not. Partners work to meet each other's needs, parents work to meet their child's needs, not the other way around.

Get yourself some help, then work on your life so that it is fulfilling for you. Let her be who she is and stop crying about it in front of her.

You have had a lot of good advice. I hope you are reading even if you haven't returned.

A lot of people have given you some great advice already.

What I would add is that some children just do not enjoy physical affection. As kids my brother and I were so different. I always loved cuddles and my brother hated them. He didn't like to have his space invaded in any way. He would stand there stock still whilst my mother or father tried to hug and pet him. He has changed a little now and is more tactile but still not a prolific hugger, and he still gives the same pained look if he is being snuggled against his will.

That doesn't mean he isn't warm though. His heart is full of love. My mother is the same, she dislikes cuddles (except with her children) whilst my father is very tactile. It has caused tension in their relationship on numerous occasions because sometimes Dad feels unloved, although he is not. She never says I love you to any of us either.

People express love and affection differently OP, please try not to let it ruin these precious years. I'm a hugger and a petter and a complimenter, DH is not. But I know he loves me in a million little things that he says and does. We are all individuals, and so is your beautiful DD, and part of loving our children is accepting their personalities wholesale, without qualification. Learn to leave these feelings behind.

Op I have raised my son alone since birth, he is now nine. I will tell you that you can't build your world around your child. It's an incredibly intense relationship when it's just the two of you and if you don't have a life outside of your child, there will be far too many expectations placed on them and it will be detrimental to your relationship. At times I have treated my son more like a partner and leant on him for my emotional needs and support but I have always realised when I'm over stepping the boundaries and pulled back. Do you work? See friends? Have hobbies? Do you socialise with other kids and parents? Good family support network? Play groups? Does she go to pre school or nursery? You shouldn't be crying like that in front of your child. You need to broaden your world and your expectations of your very young little girl, or you will end up suffocating and overwhelming her. You are the adult, the onus is on you to make this work, not her.

This is awful, you say she is only 2.3, but you have cried every day for two years! Your post is all about how she doesn't fulfill your needs, your idea of motherhood which is described as very, very smothering and clingy. You need help for this as the damage you are doing by crying everyday in front of your child is going to turn her into an anxious, emotionally damaged child.

Have you lost friends because you refuse to listen to their concerns about your mental health? Because this level of emotion and tears about your in your own words, wonderful happy daughter is not a normal reaction, please go to your go, talk to your health visitor, this situation needs to be improved and fast as your DD is picking up on all of this.
I agree with pp that it's all about you and how awful your DD makes you feel, you need to change your reaction, she isn't doing anything wrong.

I was a single parent with a child until he was 9 yrs and it can be too intense. I made sure that he had plenty of other relationships - staying overnight alone with both sets of grandparents from very young. Seeing friends, going to groups, having babysitters etc.

Can I ask why you decided on ivf?

Not that I think anything is wrong with it. Mainly wondering if you wanted to be a sine parent and romantisied it.

I too, before having children, assumed that they'd be physically affectionate. Dc#1 was not at all. He seemed allergic to me. Magnetically repelled from my presence. Squirmed away from hand holding, hugs, kisses, being physically close to me. He prefered anyone elses company, especially strangers . I took it personally, read every parenting book going. Tried every style recomended. I confused the poor thing so much that he became passive to my emotions, unresponsive to me crying just like your DD.

I should have just chilled out and accepted him as he was. He is now 16 and only now has started to hug me spontaneously. Bizzarely though after all the years craving his acceptance through physical closeness, I feel slighly awkward with his hugs as I feel he is doing it for me. And I don't want him to feel manipulated. I love him so much, and have accepted him for himself. He is an amazing human of whom I am so pround. He is however unsure of himself and has low self esteem. I lay the blame for this squarely on my shoulders for trying to change him when he was young and not sending out positive signals of acceptance.

I was scared to go for help, thinking that I'd be blamed for his rejection and that he'd be taken from me (obviously I was dealing with some decgree if derpession at the time). But if I could rewind his early years I should have had councelling, or at least realised that even if he didn't change and become more affectionate it wasn't the end of the world.

I really empasise, I really do. I have been thought it, and really implore that you not take it personally ( I know that this was my flaw). My feelings were hurt by my little child. But it wasn't their job to boost my self worth.

It took me to have another child to accept that my children's personalitieis are nothing to do with me. DC#2 is a limpet. Very very needy cling boy. I mention him, not to gloat, but to emphasise that your DD's lack of affection is all to do with her, and not you.

Meant with the kindness of someone who has been in your shoes...I would make a concerted effort to stop trying to change her and being emotionally negative (crying) in front of her. Seek affection elsewhere, so that you both get what you need.
Xxxx