...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

You are BU to think you don't love your child.
Being a mother via a sperm donor is a big step, so what did you say when they asked why do you want to be a mother?

Your daughter may shirk from affection, but it looks like she has also found which buttons to push-and that isn't fair to her. It is actually quite scary for children to realise they can control the adults around them, because if they can control the adult then the adult isn't strong enough to keep them safe, in the child's mind the adult is weaker than them-and children do need to feel safe. In order to feel safe she may start to strengthen her controlling behaviours and that is not good long term.
The change to this needs to come from you- you need to toughen up your emotional response to her actions, you need to avoid situations where she has the power to hurt you. If it bugs you how she gets up in the mornings, change it, call her instead of putting your arms around her.
Ask your HV with sessions such as theraplay. Talk about issues around bonding and affection, you need to change because she can't/wont.

OP I feel for you, and I think previous posters have given a lot of great and compassionate advice.

I have a 2 year old son, and if I cried next to him for an hour, I'm sure he'd be scared, distressed, and really wary of me.

This is a spiral you are creating and you really need to find a way to put an end to it, before your daughter ends up scared of your reactions and backs off from you totally.

When she is 10/15/20/30 are you going to cry if she doesn't hug you on demand? That will be a way to finish your relationship off utterly.

OP please think about the message you are sending your DD that she may carry throughout her life. That she must bow to pressure to accept physical contact she feels uncomfortable with. That she should feel guilty and give in to the physical needs of another person, even if she doesn't want to. That "if you really loved me you'd be physical in the way I want you to". How will this serve her once she's a teenager? Please step back and see the bigger picture.

So wow! I did not expect such a huge response! Thank you to all who have taken the time to write, even the not so supportive ones. I read all of your responses with avid interest and have taken onboard a lot of what you have said. I also agree with most of it, it's true, I am emotionally needy and it's not fair to push that onto my daughter.
I reread my post this morning and cringed and understood why I got such a strong response from everyone. It was of course me showing myself at my absolute worst and honest and raw state. I lay it on thick to get to the heart of it as pussyfooting around the subject wouldn't have solved anything and I wanted everyone's honest - if a little brutal - opinions.
I'll now try answer your questions. Counselling - I said in my post I've had counselling, a lot of counselling. Throughout my life and in motherhood. And group therapy. This was to address my feelings of neediness and inadequacy and never feeling good enough blah blah blah. I was surprised at how many of you told me to get counselling as I have said I've had it. So so much I can't tell you. It does all stem from having a particularly unaffectionate mother who still refuses to hug me. I'm a textbook needy loser because of her. FUN! It of course goes a long way to explain what's happening with my daughter, but I've had so much therapy and counselling and gone over the same ground each time I don't know how having even more would help.
Depression - again I said in my post I'm not depressed. I've been assessed for this a few times and I'm not depressed. This particular situation makes me sad, but as I said, I have no other signs of depression, I am healthy, well rested, enjoy a lot of things in my life and wake up looking forward to the day. Ask anyone who has had actual depression and they will tell you that is NOT how they felt.
My support network - I still have a good few close friends who I see a lot. They know to a certain extent how I feel but not fully. My mum looks after my daughter a couple of days a fortnight and she goes to nursery one day a week. I pushed away a lot of friends as my self esteem was so so low I assumed they wouldn't want to be around me or wouldn't like me anymore. Stooopid I know. I go out a few nights a months and really enjoy it and feel myself again.
Autism questions - My best friend is a GP and my other friend is a health visitor. Both literally LAUGHED IN MY FACE when I asked if they thought my daughter was autistic. As I said in my original post really sociable, chatty and enjoys company. Great eye contact, all milestones hit and nursery are really pleased with her and adore her.
The reason I had a child. I'm 37 and have always always wanted to be a mum. Not even 'to have a baby' but to be a mum and bring a child into the world to nurture and teach and show her the world. Yes to having a companion but that wasn't the main reason at all. I find being a mum in many ways very natural and easy and the process of it all makes total sense to me on the most primal of levels. Everyone has commented in the last two years at what a 'natural' and 'great' mother I am and how easy I make it look. I tell them it's because my daughter makes it easy for me as she's such an easy child. I refuse to accept any credit in how fab she is, she came out that way, if anything I'm probably doing horrible damage which is why I came on here for help.
Everything apart from the noncuddling I DO find easy, it's in my blood and in loads of ways I love it. It never occurred to me not to be a mum and I waited until I was financially able and had lived out my 'fun youth'. I had a great time in my 20's and early 30's, was happy, reasonably confident and popular. ( I'm saying this so you get a clearer picture of who I am as I hate that I've come across purely as this sad desperate loser who lives only for her child and has or has had no life.)
I had a child though a sperm donor because I'm gay. Simple as that. I have had a lot of relationships in my life and find it fairly easy to attract people (I'm reasonably attractive, friendly, fun and chatty) and I enjoy having a partner but I always end up ending it after about 6 months as I don't feel emotionally for-filled enough.
That's a massive can of worms obviously but I'm touching on that subject as a lot of you thought I might be single as no one wants me. That's not true at all I'm actually quite picky and am - to my shame - usually the one who ends things. Funnily enough I did have a relationship with someone (for 6 months - I ended it) recently and throughout it despite the fact I was getting a lot of physical affection and attention from my partner - I was STILL desperately upset that my daughter wouldn't cuddle me. So even when I get it from someone else it still ultimately crave it from her. Which makes me question the assumption that I need her to 'fill a void in me' or whatever. When that void was filled I STILL wanted my daughter to cuddle me. What. The. Fuck. Oh what a mess mumsnetters, what a frikkin mess.
However I will take onboard what you have said, you are absolutely right she shouldn't see me cry like that. I'm truly ashamed of that. In my defence she never leaves me alone so I can't leave the room to cry as she just follows! That's another weird paradox, she doesn't cuddle but never strays more than a few metres away from me when we are at home. Will never play alone in her room, will just potter around near my feet.
One more reason why I persist so much in still cuddling her is that it is widely known that children need physical skin-to-skin contact in order to develop and grow properly. Especially for their emotional development. If they aren't touched at all that could really damage them. So that is also a reason why I keep trying. But yes I realise I'm also damaging her with my reaction so I need to cut that shit out.
I've found this thread very helpful so again thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out to me I really really appreciate it xxx
Ps I also found it helpful to hear the people who say 'my child was like this and is now more affectionate' - gives me hope so thank you!

But you need more than counselling, it sounds like you need quite intense, one on one psychodynamic therapy for your attachment issues.

Keep grabbing her with a laugh. "Come here you, I want a cuddle" envelop her in a quick bear hug, kiss her all over, release her immediately and laugh. Make it fun and quick and no more than a couple of times a day. Make it light hearted. She will feel loved but not smothered. Keep the crying hidden from her.

OP, I had the impression from your original post that it was you ending things with romantic partners not you being a sad loser at all! But truly do you think you might be too picky? (Not that there is anything wrong with being picky in itself but it becomes a problem when the disparity between the ideal, imagined, entirely intimate relationship and the imperfect actual one becomes painful.) Are there other ways that some of your yearning for closeness might be satisfied than via your relationship with your daughter or a romantic partner? I hesitate to throw around the word 'spiritual' and am myself a resolute atheist! but there is a sort of metaphysical unhappiness in your post, as well as the obvious and normal desire for physical cuddles from your little girl. It sounds to me as if no individual person is going to fill that 'void', as you put it.

We're all different - a million variations of personalities, characteristics and individual quirks.

You say your mum was unaffectionate but you are very affectionate. This has had a huge impact on you because a child can't rationalise this by thinking, 'ah mum's not a huggy person like me but she still loves me.' So, ideally your mother would have recognised that need in you, sacrificed her own distaste for showing affection and given you what you needed - hugs.

Now - apply that to your daughter. She's not tactile like you. That's not her choice (she's 2!), it's just her personality. Respect her for this and respond accordingly. Put her needs first. And stop putting yourself in a position where you're going to feel rejected and hurt by her as it'll only intensify the pain for you. And I wonder whether if you lay off the affection and the hugs for a bit you may discover that she seeks it out all by herself?!

I am 100% sure you love her and I think she sounds awesome!

I've not rtft but for what it's worth my DD is like this, she's 4 and doesn't enjoy cuddling often telling me to leave her alone. My DS on the other hand is a bloody limpet!! He clings to me has started coming up to me asking for 'kiss and uddle'
Girls are a lot more independent than boys in my experience.
I am not tactile, I can't stand kisses and cuddles except from DS. I can't sleep in the same bed as anyone (even DC) because my personal space is huge.

Oh thank God for your last post OP!

You actually sound so much brighter and dare I say I, normal!

Do you have a decent relationship with your mum now? She might be able to shed some light on your DD as they sound alike as far as affection is concerned.

Your child obviously gets a lot of confidence and support from being near you, so maybe see that as the way to become emotionally close with her? Do activities together rather than physically touch each other. I don't think skin to skin is so vital when they are older and clearly don't want it!

As your DD gets older and you can talk more maybe you'll find other ways to feel close to her, eg sharing details about your day or having a hot chocolate together in bed or something!?

Children need skin-to-skin contact because most of them seek that, so if they don't get it they'll feel rejected. I'm not an expert, but I think it's the feeling of rejection (which doesn't apply to your DD) that causes the damage, not the physical lack of contact in itself.

It's not weird at all that she always wants to be in the same room as you. It shows that, despite not being tactile, she does love you.

You may have had lots of therapy- but your attachment issues do scream through on your posts-and overcoming that will take lots more therapy with a good therapist. You sound like you have a love hole, some people try to fill that hole with shopping or clutter but you are after something more expensive the emotional validation of your child, and that probably does make her uneasy and less likely to be affectionate

Tbh it sounds to me like even if she does respond how you want, it will still not quite be enough.

I didn't think that no one wanted you. I think you don't feel people give you enough. I think no one will be quite good enough to fulfil your needs and even if they come close you won't be happy.

The fact that your dd follows you and won't leave you alone shows she loves you. What's happening is that she isn't showing you in the way you want her too. And that's your issue.

It's not a case of she won't let you walk away to cry on your own. You need to be in a place where you accept she shows she loves you in different ways that may not meet you expectations, but is still valid. You shouldn't be crying. You should be accepting her love in the form she chooses to give it.

She may have sensory issues- or sensory processing disorder, this is diagnosed alone.

What a hard situation, sending you a hug from me!

I can relate to not having the cuddly child you expected, I'm like you in that I love physical affection, I'm the one cuddling other people's babies for as long as they let me. My first child was very uncuddly, the first 6 months he was very sleepy and he'd sleep on me so I cuddled him that way, I also breastfed into toddlerhood so that was another way we were physically close without actually having a cuddle for cuddlings sake. He was and is very active and as soon as he could crawl he had no interest in sitting on my knee or cuddling, I remember trying to read a book to him whilst he crawled around the room when he was about 7 months old as I thought it was very important that he read books the wats I got physical contact and skin to skin were to bath with him every day (we still do this and he's nearly 3) go swimming, and we co-sleep/breastfeed, we also used the sling lots, we'd go places like the forest where a pushchair wasn't an option. Other things also worried me, he never went through any seperation anxiety, he is amazingly sociable and chatty but if someone asks him for a hug he sort of awkward leans his head towards them, he absolutely doesn't hold his arms out.

The turning point for us was when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, he was obsessed with my bump, he wanted to cuddle/stroke/sleep on the bump (not on mummy, just on the bump) my 2nd baby was the opposite of ds1, he was and still is a little limpet, he needs to be physically attached to me at all times (which is a whole other challenge! Some days I can't believe I worried/moaned about my independent ds1!) my ds1 all of a sudden wanted cuddles, with me and with the baby, he'd tell me mummy put that baby down and cuddle me! Or mummy I want to hold the baby. Now if dp is sitting in the place on the sofa where I usually sit and hug ds1 ds1 tells him to move so mummy can sit down and cuddle with him.

I do have a dp but it occurred to me that ds1 probably didn't see us hug very much (too busy crashing around after ds1 or trying to tidy u/cook. I think it helped when ds saw me cuddling the new baby, in a sort of oh that looks kind of cosy sort of way to get him into cuddling. He still doesn't really do proper open armed cuddles but he sits on my knee and asks me to cuddle him. I have taught dc2 to cuddle me, I can ask where's your cuddles and I get an open armed cuddle at 6 months (but then I have to hold him all night so he doesn't feel lonely!)

Me and my sister were opposite as babies and children, I very cuddly and needed to be constantly held where as my sister wouldn't sleep unless she was alone in her cot, I really think some people are just more cuddly than others and its just chance. Looking at it from a positive point of view your dd is unlikely to have the same issues with lack of affection when she's older! I worry more about my cuddle, sensitive dc2 than I do about my independent dc1.

How is she with touch that doesn't involve affection? Have you tried things like letting her paint your face, or painting her hands to do hand prints or playing this little piggy on her toes or you could even lie on the floor and pretend your a table for a teddy bears picnic, let her lay out cups and pay food on you, or letting her do your hair. It might be just finding a way that she likes to explore touch and extending it :)

I wonder if some pragmatic hypnotherapy / cbt type support might help you to manage your approach and response to this? With years of therapy begin you, you clearly understand the whys... But some cognitive behavioural hypnotherapy could perhaps help you develop some tools and techniques to manage your feelings and responses.

Your daughter is clearly a happy little girl, if you can manage your expectations of her I think you can sort this all out pretty easily

Can I just say that's it's NOT a paradox that she won't hug you but doesn't want to be apart from you. That's her showing how much she loves you, you just aren't seeing it because in your mind this 'love' can only be physically demonstrated.

My dd was the same at 2. Now she's 4 she does cuddle but it's very much on her terms. If I went over and initiated it she'd twist away. She does really like tickling and having rasberries blown on her tummy though.
maybe you could try playing some games that involve physical contact that isn't 'too much' for her.
Maybe you need to talk to your mum and resolve things with that relationship.

Sometimes a void can't be filled and we just fuck ourselves over going from one thing to the next in an attempt to fill it.

GP's and health visitors are not qualified to diagnose autism. There are many parents who have come across GP's and health visitors who have denied their children of having autism. But a few years later down the line get a diagnosis anyway.

I'm not saying your daughter has autism, but it doesn't hurt to get her assessed and make sure she she's referred to a developmental paediatrician.

But back to your post, I agree with what the majority of posters have said. You definitely need to work on YOURSELF.... go to classes, take up some counselling, see friends etc.

Keep grabbing her with a laugh. "Come here you, I want a cuddle" envelop her in a quick bear hug, kiss her all over, release her immediately and laugh. Make it fun and quick and no more than a couple of times a day. Make it light hearted. She will feel loved but not smothered.

I did exactly this with DS1! I would shout 'CUDDLE!' and envelop him, then release after about 3 seconds when he started to wriggle. He was a bit to start with but he got used to it and seemed to find it funny later on.

DS2 is much cuddlier but still not a limpet; he'll cuddle in but also leaves quite readily. Funnily enough, DS1 gets jealous if he sees DS2 cuddling me and comes over to demand his own fuss. He values it when it's not him getting it!

Your update sounds a lot more positive, which is great. I felt rejected by DS1 when he was small and utterly hated it - in fact I distanced myself from him mentally because then I wouldn't be hurt by him. But I knew it was my problem and emphatically not his, so I persevered with trying to be affectionate. We're out the other side now and things have improved a lot.

I'm sure that forcing hugs on someone who doesn't want it will have a far more negative impact than the lack of touch. So I wouldn't worry about that. Her need for physical attachment is met and that's more than good enough. The problem is your need is greater than hers. And I really think you need to keep working on it. I understand you feel you've done work on this already, but maybe you need to do a bit more. It's not great to be crying over this in front of her and your daughter will end up feeling responsible for your emotional well being, and that's not her job.

You do sound like a good parent by the way, and your daughter sounds adorable. I hope you manage to get past this and enjoy her like you deserve.

Penfold I did not say that lack of physical affection is not indicative of ASD.

I did however, say that it is a HUGE assumption to jump to when there are no other indicators present to red flag and warrant investigation, as further acknowledged by the OP herself in her latest post. Sensory Processing Disorder may perhaps be a factor but that can be a stand alone diagnosis, and I just hate the way some people are inclined to jump on the ASD bandwagon so quickly.

OP it's great that you've come back to the thread, I think what posters are suggesting is that you have therapy specifically to deal with the issues you are currently struggling with, and deal with the impact that this would have on your daughter if you couldn't control your behaviours around her.

I think your posts have been incredibly brave

Of course you're right with my attachment issues, I'm a classic 'Harlow's monkey' child. My mother physically provided for me but didn't cuddle me and so has left me deeply damaged and needy. I wish my counselling and therapy would have helped more but it clearly hasn't. I worry that my damage is so so deep in literally irrepairable. Thanks a lot, Mother! Are there any good books which I should read?! I think someone mentioned one I will reread the thread to find it, there was a lot to take in the first time I was a bit shell shocked this morning when I woke to over a 100 replies...! I guess I am also in a way trying to the the opposite mother to the mother my mother was. I'm desperate for my child to be happy and secure and not needy so I'm over compensating and over doing it as the fear she will be like me is such a relentless driving force in me. I really need to stop the fucking crying through that's clearly counterproductive. Fool.
I have a decent-ish relationship with my mother now. I won't bore you with the details but we muddle through. She adores my daughter and is cuddly with her (DAMMIT!!) as much as my daughter will let her. Mum still won't cuddle me though even when she knows I'm desperate for it. I do wonder a lot if she even likes me so of course that makes things tricky. She's very, very intelligent and confident. Has loads of friends and is financially very comfortable. We get on on a superficial level as long as nothing 'deep' is discussed. Get this, she is buying me a house. Her exact words were: "See its not all bad having a wire monkey mother!". So she's totally aware that she gives me material things instead of affection, and is almost proud of it?! I wanted to tell her that I'd gladly swap a house for a hug from her in heartbeat but I didn't.
Oh I forgot to mention I'm a nurse. Someone asked me what my job is I'm a part time nurse. I hug my elderly patients a lot they love it almost as much as I do ;)
My daughter does do physical contact yes. She likes to climb on my back and play 'horseys', she will hold my hand when asked when we go for a walk, she sits on my lap to read books (when asked) but wriggles and gets up and down a lot. She likes tickles and raspberries. She's really into physical play, as in, loves being chucked about, bouncing on the bed, thrown in the air, chased, bundled, anything that is exhilarating and exciting. We do that a lot but it's a bit like playing with a feral cat. She's really enjoying it but her arms are always locked, holding me away and peeling my hands off her if I forget to keep my distance. Seriously, we had a cat like that once, wanted attention but clawed your eyes out if you got too close.
Ooh yes, I forgot, everyone is suggesting I get a pet. I'm trying to move house so when I do, I want to get a cat (my working hours don't allow for a dog). What breed of cats are mega friendly by the way?!?

You say you've had lots of therapy, but I'm speaking from experience when I say talking therapy can sometimes struggle to address with issues dating from your pre-verbal stage (ie things that happened to you before you learned to talk).

I think it's significant that you're struggling with your DD's behaviour at this very young stage, and that you say your mother was and still is very un-tactile. I wonder whether spending time with your own DD is stirring up difficult feelings from your own very early infancy, before you yourself could talk, and when the yearnings you had for closeness and contact were not met by your own mother? In this way you might be looking to comfort your own wounded younger self by showering your DD with physical contact, and then re-experiencing your own infant sense of abandonment and emotional starvation when your DD shows little interest in what you have to offer.

Of course what I'm saying here is speculation from a stranger based on some minimal information on the internet. I can't know what it's like for you. But do consider looking at body psychotherapy if you can - I'm not a body psychotherapist myself but I know several of them and have experienced it myself, and it can be a powerful way of evoking and healing painful pre-verbal experiences that are causing you unhappiness.