...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

I wish you nothing but good luck in placing your demons in a box never to re-emerge. You sound lovely and it's sad that you're in such a tangle. My Mum wasn't a cuddler - at least - I don't think she was. It may be that she never got a chance because I am SO not a cuddler to this day. Now she's dead and I'm conflicted about it but not overly so. I don't give it too much time because I know there's not a therapy on earth that could make me what I am not and likewise I don't suppose anything will make you what you are not. So you have to find a way to work round it. I totally get your DD 'recoiling in horror' (you may not have used those words but you know what I mean!) - that's me. I do not want to be hugged. My son is allowed to hug me - DH not so much. It makes me squirm. It's truly nothing personal - it's all about me!
I think you should stop thinking you're some kind of freak. You just are what you are and you sound like a brilliant Mum (stop the crying!) and as though you'd make a nice friend. Accepting what we are is 90% of the battle. Counselling for 300 years to find out why or how not to be is a waste of time and money.
You think your Mum damaged you? Maybe so, maybe not - but how about not letting your past determine your future? You can't go back, you see, and change anything so embrace what you are and what you have and make peace.
Good luck

You are not a write off, at all. You may just need a different type of therapy to work through it.

It's obvious you care about your dd a great deal and wants what's best for her. That is what a good parent is

Wow what a difference a day makes! I didn't post on your thread after your first post as what I had to say would have been rather, um, forthright, and you sounded too fragile to hear that. In any case, lots of other posters said it better and with more compassion than I could have. Today you sound soooooo much more self aware.

I agree with others that you need some more help to get to the bottom of why you feel so rejected by your daughter and to help you stop smothering her and putting so much pressure on her to fulfil your needs. I also agree, strongly, with the posters who suggested bodywork/bodywork-based psychotherapy, as your feelings of rejection and need for affection seem so visceral and likely to stem from pre-verbal experiences.

I am not a very cuddly person. I'm happy to do so sometimes, but if I'm preoccupied or stressed/anxious/angry, I really don't want to be touched. The irony is, my daughter is much, much more cuddly with me than with her dad, who would love her to cuddle him. It's down to a number of factors, I think. He has always rough-housed with her, which she loves - throwing her in the air, swinging her round, wrestling, letting her climb all over him, even fiddling with his face - pulling his ears or pulling hairs out of his eyebrows. That's the way she has always related to him (she's 12 now), and she still does. I've never tolerated that at all - I don't like being climbed over, am not strong enough to chuck her about and I hate being pawed at. I guess she figured out pretty early that if she wanted physical contact with me, then she had to be gentle. Also, I guess, that as I the one doing the bulk of the baby care and breast feeding, she was used to being in close, calm contact. I've been with my current DP since DD was 2, and she's never been cuddly with him either (nor he with her). She looked to him for that rough-housing too - wanted to be 'flown' in the air on his feet all the time until she got too big.

As a single parent, she has only you to provide that whole range of physical contact. There's no dad or second mum to provide the rough-housing whilst you are the gentle one. If she naturally prefers the rough housing stuff then she's going to demand that from you, and if that satisfies her needs and wants for physical contact with you, then of course she's going to wriggle away when you want to cwtch up with her - especially as she can probably sense that need in you and it feels a bit lot suffocating. Is she happy for you to sit with bodies touching when you read her a story? Or with your arm around her?

Are there types of touch she prefers? DD loves deep pressure - having an exercise ball rolled over her, or a hard squeeze (less a cuddle, more of a bear hug/straight jacket!) (we both have Asperger's). She also loves having her back scratched. If you can find ways that your DD likes to be touched, then she's more likely to let you cuddle her at other times.

She sounds like a fabulous little girl with a wonderfully independent spirit. You sound like a lovely woman and a good mum, if you can just stop putting this pressure on her.

You are way too needy. Stop crying in front of her.

There is a thread on here about relationships between mothers and their daughters, and you could be one of those mothers who makes her DD feel inadequate and that she's a disappointment. It's very damaging.

OP. a previous poster mentioned love languages.
Have you heard of this? I know that for you the issue stems from you relationship with your mum, but for your daughter, the love languages book would help you to understand how she expresses love.

The principle is that we express in different ways, so some people feel loved when they are hugged, and some feel loved if you buy them a small gift/flowers etc and some if you say something encouraging. While we all need all of them to some extent, most of us have one which is much stringer, so the person who needs encouraging words, feels very unloved if they don't hear positive things regularly, whereas for another person, that doesn't matter much.

It sounds as if for your daughter either she doesn't need physical expressions of love, or else she gets so many from you that she doesn't need any more.

But what would SHE need or like? Is her love language time spent with you perhaps? So choosing to spend time with you is her way of saying I love you? If you worked out what her language is, maybe then when she does that you would recognise it as her saying Mummy I love you, and wouldn't need her to hug you so much

Your behaviour is very toddler like, only worse.

You need to take yourself away from her when you are crying for hours , rather than sitting there waiting for her to notice and cuddle you, then getting more and more upset because she doesn't.

You owe it to her to stop. Somebody upthread said that relationships between mothers and daughters can be very intense, and that's true. I think this is potentially intensified still further if there is no partner, and no other DCs in the mix.

You are putting so many hopes and expectations on your daughter every day from the minute you wake up - will she give you a cuddle today etc etc? Can you just stop focusing on it and get on with things - try to focus on having fun instead! Try to play games with her and get her giggling and laughing - doing fun stuff together can be magic, even more than sitting cuddling! I think you are overwhelming her physically so if it's clear she's not into cuddles and plenty of children aren't then just leave her be from that point of view! You are beating yourself up and you can't change her. Why would you want to anyway? She sounds keen to get out there and embrace life - independent children are fab!

I haven't read all the posts but agree with all those that say you must stop the crying, the hurt looks, the little comments. She loves you, ok? That has to be enough.

I do highly recommend getting some Theraplay sessions to help you find ways of connecting together, playing to gather and quite possibly interacting physically. On her terms, not yours.

And swimming is a great way of encouraging physical contact in a fun way. But all this seeking out love and affection is damaging both of you.

I am so pleased by your updates but feel your counseling has let you down, I would have expected some suggestions to help you deal with things.
Could I suggest that you try a previous posters idea but with your Mum as you feel this is the root of your issues.
Ask your Mum to help you by agreeing that either as a greeting or saying bye, but not both so as not to overwhelm your Mum, you say Cuddle! and you both give each other a very quick, light hug. Make it a fun, non needy, hug and turn it into a game so that your DD can join in and see it as light hearted.

I think sometimes the neediness can make people back off as its just too much for them to handle but maybe your Mum can manage this idea, hope it helps. Perhaps if you explain it to your Mum as something that would help your DD, she might be more likely to agree.

BTW, lightheartedly, don't get a cat. You already have a cat-child (as I do). Get a dog.

It occurs to me that you are trying to heal your lack of comfort as a child with comforting others; motherhood and nursing. Unfortunately, you are doing the classic. 'I needed this as a child so my DD needs this too'. Instead of actually focusing on what she needs.

She sound exactly like my DD, who has got no more cuddly so don't rely on that. My DD needs strength, bravery, support, boundaries, rough play, lots of outdoors time, down time with books and games, a listening ear, to know Mummy and Daddy love her. She doesn't need a lot of skin-on-skin. She was BF as a baby and literally the quickest eater I ever met. Friends were amazed she got enough milk. She just always wanted to be independent. Because I supported that, she's very secure. And happy.

The OP says counselling and therapy 'haven't worked', not that no suggestions have been made. After twenty years of therapy I'm sure this subject has been covered from all angles. My own view is that perhaps there is nothing wrong with you or your mother. You are different people as is your dd. However,accepting yourself and all your inherent faults/ behaviours does mean taking responsibility for them. It sounds as if you've guilt tripped your mother for her shortcomings enough. She can't change the past, or maybe can't help the ways she is. The very last thing you need is for your dd to come to you on later years saying you smothered her and made her feel guilty from age 0. I mean this helpfully, I promise.

There is loads of good advice on here but I say focus on practical tactics and let the emotional stuff come slowly. You DO love one another, just differently in terms of hugs.

I am not a parent, and I don't think I can begin to understand what you are going through, but I didn't want to just read and run, and I also wanted to say something supportive, because I think you've been given far too rough a ride by some people. You have clearly tried to take responsibility for how you feel, you've tried counselling, you've been to the GP, you've done all those things that we often suggest. So you're not behaving like a toddler at all.

I know many, many parents of two year olds who say that they sometimes dislike their children. I sat with my friend a few days ago and held her hand while she sobbed about how miserable she felt as a parent. From an outsider's perspective, the terrible tantrummy twos seem to come like a freight train on the back of 18 months of sleep deprivation and physical/emotional change. I think many parents feel angry, confused, depressed and frankly worn out by that point. Toddlers can also be incredibly instrumental about what they want, and about testing boundaries, - they really don't have the emotional equipment to be otherwise. (I think a lot of parents kid themselves about how advanced their toddlers are emotionally when they are simply being instrumental). You are by no means the only person to be frustrated and upset by this. I just think in your case, this has become very focused on physical affection because that's your particular fear.

I wanted to say this: she's two. She will grow up and she will change. Just because she's not cuddly now doesn't necessarily mean she won't be a physically affectionate seven year old or ten year old. Even if she isn't, this stage of not responding at any emotional level will pass as she develops a much deeper understanding of feelings and their meaning. It's not normal for a child to be able to consider other people properly until they are really quite a bit older. I am sure that with your love and care she will blossom into a delightful and affectionate child (though they all have their moments, I'm told!!)

Hi OP.

You do sound different in your most recent posts compared to your first one. My dad is 4, and much more 'huggy' now than when she was 2! I'm sure if you ease off a bit then eventually the hugs will come naturally.

I disagree with the forced 'fun' hugging, even if only for a few seconds. Your dd will likely squirm away (as would mine!) and this might upset you and put her off even more - in the nicest possible way!

Oh, and ragdoll cats are very cuddly and cute too ????

Wonderful post from shovetheholly

Glad to see you on here today OP, and hopefully this has all been more helpful than bruising.

You mention that counselling so far has focused on your issues with your mum. Is it worth another go specifically to discuss the relationship with your daughter? Maybe in the CBT type of counselling, i.e. focused on strategies for behaviour to break damaging patterns, rather than rehashing the historic stuff if you feel that's been done endlessly already.

OP, do you have Borderline Personality Disorder?
A lot of what you have described reminds me of someone I know who does.

I think this is maybe a little late and the conversation has moved on, but I really wanted to say this. PLEASE do not teach your daughter that it is her responsibility to make people happy by surrendering her bodily autonomy. That's a message I was given very heavily - I wasn't a naturally huggy child at all and was constantly told I had to be nicer to people, to let them touch me, to not upset various random people because I didn't want a cuddle.

What this turned into was my getting older and getting it into my head that it was bad to say "no" and if I didn't want someone touching me and they seemed to be unhappy about this, that was my fault and I wasn't being 'nice'. Obviously, when you're a pretty teenage girl, this isn't a good message to have internalized. It took me until my mid twenties to really understand that I was allowed to say "no" to people touching me and be comfortable with my own internal boundaries.

"I assumed I am too deeply damaged to be repaired. A human write off if you will."

No way .

I appreciate that you have tried different therapies etc. I found CBT very useful. In my experience (not saying this is the same for everyone else), talking therapy or diving into childhood trauma may be helpful to an extend but CBT was the most helpful method for me as it gave me practical tools to act differently despite feeling anxious or having a panic attack. If you find a really good CBT partitioner (not NHS imd) you can and will grow and change.

So much good advice here...All I will add is if you do nothing else you must stop crying in front of her that is deeply damaging for a child.

She must not be made to feel responsible for your emotional wellbeing . It would not be a surprising result if it made her shut down emotionally.

Take a deep breath and remember YOU are responsible for her not the other 2ay round.

Don't cry and do not make her responsible. However you feel she must not know you are dealing with all of this. I think if therapy hasn't worked you haven't found the right therapist.

Maybe the advice on this thread will be the start of a new you!

I don't want to get flamed for this, it is a serious point, and perhaps relevant.

My DS has the most heightened sense of smell in anyone I've ever met. Well before he was a toddler, before he was even 1yr, he would try and push my DM away if she tried to cuddle him (and still won't let her hug/kiss him to this day).

She always made a big song and dance about this, which I think is unnecessary and unfair, but he just didn't like her being close to him. Much much later, when he could verbalise it, I mentioned that he didn't like my DM hugging/kissing him. i told him that it's absolutely fine, and he does not need to hug/kiss anyone if he's uncomfortable with it. When I asked him why, he said it's because he doesn't like the way she smells.

My DM smokes, and drinks too much wine, too, and her breath is far from pleasant. Could it be anything like that, OP?

You sound like such a lovely caring person who has had a tough deal in life. But the fact your DD wants to be with you shows how much she does love you.

With your mother, what would happen if you hugged her rather than wait for her to do it first? I know how awkward and difficult that probably seems to do but what if she is feeling the same and also doesn't know how to climb that mountain with you? Would it matter who hugged first?

I only ask this because neither of my parents were cuddly at all...I actually can't remember ever being cuddled by my mum, though I assume I was as a small child. And my dad certainly never did within my memory, until in my 20s I started grabbing him and hugging him. After one time he said that he'd wanted to hug me but didn't know how to start it off, having had a very strict upbringing with very little affection himself.

Sorry I don't have time to rtft.
DD didn't like cuddles as a toddler. For ages I was allowed only to stroke her cheek at bed time. Now she is very cuddly 10 yr old who tells me she loves so effusively I get embarrassed! I was glad to have her cuddly brother during the first three quarters of her life!

This may have been said, but she was conceived via sperm donor. That probably means that you know very little about that side of her genetic family. That may be adding to your anxiety - what is her genetic father like, would you like him if you met him, etc etc. Perhaps you would have little in common, and sperm donating aside would never in a million years have had a child with him.
I have one DC who is very tactile, and I am not. I find it hard sometimes. Of course, it doesn't mean that she is more loving than I am, there's just a different way of expressing it. That's just the way it is and you have to get on with it, and also appreciate what you do have in common.

I am sorry your little one isnt affectionate, but i have a feeling your bond will grow as she gets older. I would do as others suggest, try to do something together you both enjoy, even if its a film night! You might find she will change a lot once she is at school. She sounds as though she will grow to be independant and know what she wants from life, thats no bad thing! You sound a wonderful mum though, just try not to fret too much. It goes too fast those early years. Believe me!

From your later posts re your play with dd and her enjoying physical play and raspberries and tickles - you both sound totally fine :) - she absolutely loves and - if you can find a way to let go of these worries about the cuddles you are sorted - you two are a team - she is totally attached to you and apart from the crying there is nothing amiss in your relationship with dc - def work on your relationships with friends .

I reckon the pp that said this may have brought up pre-verbal memories has a good point - especially as it coincided with you alienating friends - this is totally about you, try not to muddle this up with your relationship with dd even though her arrival heralded a return of anxieties from childhood - even if you don't do more counselling could you use techniques you have learnt from your therapies to explore these feelings?

She sounds a lovely, confident little girl who you have done a good job with. But she's your daughter not your partner. It's not her job to fill that gap in your life. My 1st dd was much like yours and quite stand offish and so independent. She never offered a hug or a kiss and I didn't push her. Aged 11 she went on guide camp for a week and when I went to pick her up she flew down the steps and threw her arms around me. For the first time. She's 25 now and not a touchy feely adult. She would die if someone (friend or family included) approached her with a view to kiss her hello or goodbye. She is the adult version of the child emotionally and does not need contact to know she is loved or that she loves me. I hope you grow to understand one another.