...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

You are probably all too aware that this is all your issue and nothing to do with her. It's telling that you went down the road of sperm donor. Was this because relationships never lasted because they got dumped for not providing the requisite amount of affection ? Or did potential partners run for the hills when you cried for hours because you weren't being hugged enough ? I am not trying to be mean, these are serious questions. You say you have had counselling. I think this is way beyond counselling . I really feel you should get to your GP ( or health visitor - show her your post here, you were very coherent in your thoughts) and get a psychiatric referral asap. If not, in 15 yrs time, I can guarantee you will be the subject of your DDs post on here with a title of 'help me go nc with my narc EA controlling mother' . You have the chance to change things and enjoy your little girl and her to have a mummy who loves her unconditionally even if she isn't the 'ideal' child you intended to create to satisfy your own emotional needs.

This sounds awful.

Did you have a child to fill a gap in your life? I think you had a romanticised view of what it would be like, and there's no way that reality was going to live up to it.

You say yourself, she's easy. It sounds like she's very very straightforward, so I don't really understand why you need more and more from her.

You are looking for a level of emotional ratification that a two year old cannot provide you with. I wonder whether you would find something to fixate on whatever your child was like.

The overwhelming feeling from your post is that you are a black hole of need which no child could ever fill. The fact that you cry in front of your child shows that you seem to put your own emotional need above hers.

You sound damaged to be honest, and not emotionally ready to parent.

Your child is a separate human being. She does not exist purely to fulfil your need for love.

You need to stop obsessing over what she gives YOU, and start making sure that you give HER what she needs, whilst working on your own emotional problems privately, with a therapist.

Haven't had time to read all the posts so apologies if I am hitting repeat. Thought it worth mentioning that I think I was very like your daughter when I was young and yet I adored my mum. I just found it very hard to physically show it and I was very self contained. Worth noting that that I was an only child of a single parent too and if I am honest, throughout my childhood I was very aware of neediness in my mum and at times this felt like a huge burden and too overwhelming to cope with. Love her for who she is and give her space. Never compare her to others and really try not to take it personally. She will show her love in other ways and really empathy is not most 2 year olds strong point. She may just be very self sufficient. For what it is worth, I adored my mum and life hasn't been the same since she passed away. Funnily enough one of my best childhood memories is remembering how cool and soft her hands felt even though I didn't want to hold them often. But please don't put pressure on her. My mum used to tell me I was cold and I wasnt, I just hadn't learnt to feel comfortable with physical affection. Don't push people away if you can avoid. Let her see physical exchanges between others and then decide if it's for her. Good luck and a hug

Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong

Please get some help. What message are you teaching your daughter?
If she applies this behaviour when she is a grown woman things she may find herself in difficult situations.

Your yearning for touch sounds very overwhelming for both of you. Without a partner to meet your tactile needs you might be putting unfair demands on your child to fill the gap, in the guise of offering cuddles for your DD that are in fact mostly for you. If she has come, however instinctively, to associate cuddles not with comfort and safety but with doing something to meet her mum's needs then I can see how she might refuse to participate. Poor you, feeling so rejected and poor DD, feeling so responsible for her mother's happiness.

You clearly love your DD and she you. But I think you need to back right off asking her to meet your need for cuddles and get a good therapist to help you work through your obviously overwhelming unmet yearning for physical contact.

If you can find one, you might consider working with a body psychotherapist. These sorts of wordless body yearnings are often the result of pre-verbal developmental experiences and body therapists are often able to work very directly with feelings that are hard to access through talk therapy because the wound that caused the feelings precedes language development.

Again, I had one cuddly child and one not cuddly child. It is not a reflection on you or them, just different personality types. The non cuddly one is more demanding of affection now she is a teenager, so it can change. However the more you push and chase, the more she will push you away and the habit will become ingrained in her to reject you physically. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You are the most important and loved person in her life.

Just don't damage your relationship by being too needy. It's not healthy to be sitting crying next to her. You are making her responsible for your happiness and that isn't good for her emotionally. It is that, which could potentially damage your relationship, not the uncuddliness. The pressure on her will be immense, she is a child not your partner.

As she gets older and understands more you can hug her quickly and say, "you might not need a cuddle , but I do" but this must be accompanied by a laugh and no indication that you are upset. No pressure. It worked for me. My non cuddly child and I have a very close relationship, but I think she would have continued to reject me if I'd forced myself on her. She will never hug you voluntarily whilst she is already getting too many, in her eyes.

I won't repeat what most people have already said but please get some help for you before your overwhelming need to make your DD into someone she is not drives her away.

Children shouldn't exist to fill an emotional need in their parents, they are their own people and you don't get to dictate what kind of emotional person they are or their temperament. Not without causing them damage as they grow up.

I have a cuddly, clingy child and I am not a cuddly, clingy person. I find it incredibly hard going sometimes and am desperate for some personal space most days. He is also grumpy and a glass half empty person which again I find very hard going as I am pretty positive in my outlook to life. But he is who he is and I try hard to let him know I love him for who he is, even when he is driving me up the wall.

Hi OP

I have five children, my oldest daughter is very much like yours it seems. She was the only baby who never wanted to co-sleep with me and she is very un-cuddly and quite emotionally distant, compared to my others. I admit that I found it harder to bond with her at the start. She is also very bright, fiercely independent, very grown up for her age and she is very serious. I did find it harder to bond with her because it felt like she didn't even like me at times. I soon got to grips with the fact that she is her own person and she does love me , she just shows it differently than I do.

I wonder OP, if she can sense your intense need to have this physical affection and that stifles her. Without trying to be offensive, if I was married to a man who was very needy with cuddles I think it would put me off a bit. Dh does like physical affection but if he was always trying to cuddle me and I felt like I was disappointing him when I didn't want to do it I think I would end up not wanting to do it at all. I wonder if the same thing is going on with your daughter? If you are crying because she won't cuddle you she must feel a lot of pressure and like she is doing something wrong. She is young, but they pick up on more than we think.

You need to back right off and you might find she starts to come to you.

As Dr Phil would say, 'no child should be born with a job' and it looks like one of the reason you had a child was to fill a hole and having a child thinking it will fill your needs is a worrying concept and will always lead to disappointment and perhaps fractured relationships.

You need to get more professional help and adjust your expectations.

Oh dear OP. I really feel for you - you do sound in a pickle. First of all having a baby by yourself is a really hard thing to do. I have a supportive husband but I still found the toddler years really hard and nothing like I imagined. It sounds like you chose the baby to fill an emotional need to be loved and that is not what being a parent about . A child is their own person with their own personality. They are all different and some just like their own space.
Not meaning to be unkind but you sound very intense and clingy and are probably scaring her off a bit. It sounds like it has almost become a game of kiss chase.
Do you work? Or have hobbies or other activities or see friends. My morning is typically busy with getting us washed dressed grabbing a quick breakfast - there is no time to think about the relationship between me and my small son. It might help if you had other things and people or as someone else said a pet to transfer some of your emotional needs onto.

You need some therapy and good support to help work through this. Back off a little bit with the need for hugs and enjoy the funny interesting helpful little girl you have. Stop crying in front of her - it is a guilt trip and not fair.
And a glimmer of hope for you. DS is now 3.8. He was not a cuddly toddler and used to slide off my lap. Now he loves giving cuddles and kisses to a select few, says frequently that he loves me 'really really much' all the way to Mars and back and asks for just one more at bed time. So things do change as they get older. Hug from me to you. (x)

Think about this...

You are very young and your mind isn't fully formed or able to process the needs or wants of anyone else.

Now think about this...

The one person you rely on and dearly love tries to touch you and kiss you and cuddle you all the time. It starts when you first wake, as you as coming to, and continues ALL day. And it is a dreadful thing because it makes that person so very sad and unpleasant to be around. She cries and sits miserably for an hour.

What a hugely negative connotation. Contact = mother in tears, frustrated and sad mother.

I think you need to respect her boundaries and back off. I know it feels like rejection but she is not there to meet your needs.

I agree that you need to get physical affirmation elsewhere. Recognise that her smiling, talking to you, bringing you a toy, sharing anything with you is her way of showing love. She might grow into cuddles but don't smother her, it will push her away.

"Psychiatric referell"?? "Damaged"??? Oh do lay off people. This is a lonely, struggling mum asking for help.

OP I do recommend counselling - probably CBT. You need to start challenging some bottom lines here: (if you dont know, bottom line is a term for the worldview you leap to when you experience a trigger, in your case lack of affection):

"If people do not show me physical affection I must be worthless and unloved".

"People who do not show affection in the same ways as me are rejecting me."

"I must recieve cuddles and physical affection or live is cold and bleak".

"My daughter must be the person i want her to be"

Look at some of the cognitive distortions here:

• absolutes.
• mind reading - in particular your daughter
• all or nothing thinking
• self blame
• future predictions

When you start to think these things, try challenging yourself
"It is nice to receive physical affection but it isnt the only way I can experience love"
"I am worthwhile because of who I am and the things I do. Getting a cuddle doesnt affect that."
"My daughter doesnt have to be anyone except herself. I dont know who she is going to become. It isnt possible to judge based on a cuddle".

If you force yourself to challenge your thinking regularly it will change. Use some books if you cant go for counselling - I recommend Overcoming Low Self Esteem bu Melanie Fennell and Feeling Good.

As a single mum of an only child you are maybe putting too much pressure on this one relationship for all your needs. How close are you to parents and siblings? Could you maybe call one up and say "im finding the toddler stage really hard, please can i come over for a cuppa and a cuddle?"
Could you call up one of those youve pushed away, apologise and suggest they come over for lunch? What about a support group for single parents? One of life's most important lessons is that we cannot rely on one other person for everything - play to people's strengths in what you seek.

You do love her. It is shining through in your post as you describe her, however you are disappointed in her, which isn't fair on her. She can probably sense your disappointment in her already. It is a huge burden on such young shoulders.
This negative spiral needs to be stopped. It's great that you recognise this now and can get the help you need to do so. Good luck op

OP- I was exactly like this as a girl growing up. I’m completely un-tactile too. I have the best mum in the world and I know it broke her heart a bit earlier too, then she just got on with it and accepted that was me. I my own time, as I grew up I learnt cuddles are pretty awesome, especially a big warm mum cuddle after a bad day, she will learn this too, promise. I can’t explain why we are like this, but I squirmed/wriggled out of hugs/affection as a little girl too. But I’ve always adored and loved my mum massively, just can’t express it physically. Please try to just shrug this off without dwelling on it.

Cuddles do not equal love. Anyone can give you a cuddle. Your dd playing with you, being with you, talking to you, being a settled child...those are all signs of love.

Ime babies and toddlers don't like cuddles...they want space, squirm away, do the thing where they headbutt your collar bone, want to be busy busy. Only the adults want the cuddles! They might be still when they are feeding, but that's about it.

What is really lovely for bonding is bed time. Sitting together and reading a book. Now this might be frustrating too as children will often want to turn the page when you have only read a sentence, but that's not disinterest - it's eagerness to see what happens next. You can just talk about the pictures. When she lies down, you might try stroking her face with your finger or draw a picture on her back. She might be a bit young for this too, but she might like it.

You do sound very anxious about this, so I would recommend you visit a counsellor to sot out why this has become such a big issue for you. Or you might try reasoning with yourself from this post and others like it that you have not got the right expectations from your child. Also, if you are going to cry, take yourself out of the room and do it as this will become disturbing for your girl. We all cry and this is what I do. I might pretend there is something in my eye if she asks. At 2.3 months she's not likely to console you, as she is more likely to think its uncomfortable. She might as she gets older but then your are in the territory of forcing her to parent you. Which is sort of what you are doing with the cuddling thing.

Basically, your expectations are not right and you need to adjust them. Once you do this and relax, you will grow and grow. And remember, you are mum - not the other way around. She isn't 'cold', she's behaving the way any other 2 year old does.

This situation has the potential to become a power play between you. I would suggest some playful parenting techniques. DS was very uncuddly as a baby and toddler but he LOVED play wrestling and gentle tickling from a young age. I managed to get my "closeness/cuddling" needs filled with that sort of physical play.

With the tickling you have to be careful as it can end up upsetting children. DS was ticklish so I would just gently touch him on the side or arm and stop as soon as he stared laughing. If he seemed at all uncomfortable I would stop and only start again if he asked me to (which he did quite a lot). The key thing was that he was in control of when I tickled and when I didn't and over time we developed trust around that game . He always seemed more up for a quick cuddle after one of those games. The wrestling was more straightforward as he just loved that full stop. It was more me who had to make some rules of behaviour (i.e no kicking or tickling while wrestling etc) and who needed to have the energy ! but it usually went fine. You can get a lot of "hidden" cuddles in while ostensibly (gently) wrestling.

The game mentioned by "steppedonlego" is similar to something else I did with DS sometimes (when I had the energy and remembered).

If he was doing something I didn't like, usually pointing a play gun at me and firing, but it worked with anything that was bugging me. I would grab my chest and in a really exaggerated voice say "agh when you do xxx, it is like a love gun/love poke, love noise (whatever he was doing) and it makes me need to kiss you!. DS would inevitably start laughing and I would chase him around saying " Aghh I can't help it the love is coming out of me and I need to kiss you/cuddle you" DS loved these games, so I needed to be prepared to do them for a while before I started them (about 30-40 minutes) but they always ended with DS happy, relaxed and quite cuddly

DS is 10 now and regularly come and cuddles me. He "sometimes" even responds to a cuddle initiated by me but I usually stop if he isn't too keen.
I think that children have so little power in the world that as soon as they are old enough to express a preference, it should be them who has he power to say yes or no to a cuddle.

This book is very good for this Playful Parenting

I haven't read the whole thread, but my experience with DD (2.2) is that she is much more affectionate with me than DH. That could be for a multitude of reasons, but one thing I've observed is that DH 'demands' kisses and cuddles from her much more than I do. It's just his way (he can be like that with me too) and it tends to make her push him away - I think she senses the 'demand' or 'need' behind it.

So, as hard as it may be, maybe sit back and let her come to you. Tell her you love her a lot, but maybe give her more physical space?

I'm also sending a hug.

OP, you say that in other relationships you'd have walked away from a lack of physical affection. So perhaps that's been your coping strategy thus far in life. Now you're in a situation that your previous coping strategies can't apply to, so it sounds like you don't really know how to deal with it. It might help to explore why physically unaffectionate relationships are so very hard for you. Also, as others have suggested, in the meantime you need shorter term strategies to try to minimise the impact of this on you and your DD. So, perhaps getting your need for physical affection met in other ways, etc.
I think you're great for having posted for advice, by the way. It must be hard.

I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively

I mean this in the nicest possible way op but you really should not do this. It is not fair on her at all. We do not have children so that we can feel loved...that's just a bonus. Hope things feel better for you soon.

Just want to echo what everyone else has said really OP, but for goodness sake! To the posters suggesting ASD because a toddler is not tactile is a HUGE assumption to make, and I'm talking as a parent with experience, believe me.

The OP herself has already said her child met all milestones, has no issues with development, speech or communication, no indications of regressions, stims or repetitive behaviours. These are red flags and would warrant further investigation, not merely a dislike of cuddles and shying away from a constant need from a parent for physical affection.

OP I truly hope you continue with therapy and working through these issues, as I'm sure you're aware it isn't a healthy environment for you both

You need help. See your GP. Or else you will need to access help for your dds issues in 10 years from now.

You are the adult here, or supposed to be, you choose to be a parent so be one. We all need help now and again and that's fine. What isn't fine is abdicating your responsibility and blaming your child.

This is your problem. you need to change not your dd

AllThatGlistens, of course you're right that ASD is not suggested by this alone. But it's wrong to say (as some others have) that there is no relationship between indifference to physical affection and ASD. Not all kids with ASD will dislike physical affection (plenty love it). But disliking physical affection does increase the chances that a child will have ASD.

("Indifference/aversion to physical contact and affection" is an indicative sign quoted from DSM-V).

I'm not going to be mean because I don't believe in kicking someone when they're down but really, you need to get help. Your child is not put on this earth to fulfil your emotional needs. You have got to stop crying in front of her. She might seem impassive but can you imagine what that is doing to her? She is her own person, she is not en extension of you.

My DS also dislikes physical affection and pushes me away. He is 5. But he shows his love in other ways....... every now and then he will comment vaguely 'I love you mummy'. Occasionally he will come up to me and pat my shoulder. But that is the extent of it, and it is fairly rare too. But I LOVE it when it happens! And usually laugh and say thanks. He has never ever ever not even once kissed me. I will say 'I'm going to give you a kiss now' and he sort of tilts his head so I can kiss it with a sigh of annoyance.

For full disclosure, he does have ASD, but I do not and I hated cuddles when I was a kid as well. I have had to learn that he is giving what he is capable of giving me, and that he does love me really. It has not been easy, true, but it gets better, I promise.

"If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly..."

OP, you sound very very sad and I feel for you. This will sound harsh but maybe your expectations of all relationships are too high? I am an only child of a mother who I think was often depressed when I was small and I remember vividly her crying next to me and lying on the floor kicking her heels, and the frozen feeling of powerlessness it evoked. You're not being fair to your daughter (or doing anything to cultivate her easy expressiveness) by behaving like that. It sounds to me as if you love your daughter. But the idea that relationships with other people should provide physical and emotional affection/ reassurance on tap to make you feel valued? I think this needs reevaluating!