...to wonder if I actually love my child?

[FlossyMcTrumpetson]

I'm desperately seeking opinions as I'm utterly confused by my experience of motherhood and I'm not sure what to do. If anything.

I have a 2.3 year old daughter who I chose to have alone via sperm donor. The conception was easy, pregnancy awful and the birth very quick and easy. All the way through my awful pregnancy I just thought "All this suffering will be worth it to get my daughter". I envisaged having a really difficult baby but assumed we would have this incredible bond and that she'd be a clingy, cuddly mummies girl. Worth mentioning I'm very tactile and LOVE cuddles and affection.
Anyhoo - what a deluded fool I was. I ended up with the easiest baby I have ever heard of. She slept brilliantly, still does, never had any colic or teething problems, never ill with anything, happy, easy and gorgeous. As a toddler she hits all of her milestones on time and is happy, chatty and easy to parent. She's well behaved and learns things quickly, really likes social interaction with kids and adults and people adore her.
However, she had always been extremely uncuddly and still is. As a baby she squirmed and wriggled away from me when I tried to hold her. Never settled in my arms and preferred her bouncer or cot. The ONE time she was slightly ill with a temperature and I tried to cuddle and console her all night she screamed and pushed me off her.
She's sort of slightly improved a bit now. Now that she is starting to understand things a bit better she will be affectionate in order to get things or because she's done something wrong and is apologising or similar.
She has never, to date, cuddled me for no reason or for the sake of it, or because she 'wants a cuddle'.
I can't overstate the effect this has had on me and its left me really confused as to what is right, my feelings, my experience of motherhood, who I am and even my purpose on this planet. I have cried nearly every single day for the last two years, I've had counselling, group therapy, and have pushed away many many friends.
I'm a shadow of the person I was before I became a mother, I often feel that my existence is pointless if my one shot at motherhood has resulted in a child that doesn't seem to love me. Is disgusted at me almost. I tried to kiss her today and recoiled away from me and pushed my face off her with her hands. I cried for about an hour as she sat next to me impassively watching peppa pig on YouTube.
There is nothing I can compare to this feeling of daily- if not hourly - worthlessness and rejection. If she was my partner I would have dumped her by now as I simply cannot bear being with someone who is cold and unaffectionate. I end relationships with people like that very quickly as its so so fundamental to me not to feel relentlessly worthless and unloved. I can't bear it and yet I have to get through every day feeling like this All. The. Time. And more depressingly, this is it now, for my life, a daughter who makes me feel like this all the time and for the rest of my life.
I am so consumed by it all I have come to the point where I don't even know if I love her or not and I'd like someone to tell me what they think.
So the positives are: I think she's awesome. I find her fascinating, hilarious, helpful, happy and beautiful. If someone asked me to swap her in for someone else, I wouldn't. The thought of her not being in my life fills me with the deepest fear imaginable and I am absurdly grateful that she's mine. All mine. I adore dressing her up, brushing her hair and taking her to places and teaching her new things.
Occasionally when she smiles at me my heart melts and my stomach goes to mush. I (rather pathetically) wake up each morning with a sense of hope and excitement at seeing her and spending the day with her.... She wakes up.... And it goes downhill from there.
I pick her out of bed, she pushes my hands off her, my heart sinks, I sit her next to me in bed, she shuffles away a good few inches, my heart sinks further still, I lean in to kiss her... She cringes.... My heart finally breaks and I start to cry. The day has barely begun and I'm sobbing next to an impassive child.
It makes me resent her. It makes me feel a sort of hatred towards her. I HATE SAYING THAT. It makes me not want to play with her. I often don't play with her for fear of being rejected further. Often when I look at her I feel nothing in my heart, I'm so defeated by her and this experience. I am getting to the point where I have this slow creeping suspicion that I don't love her and it's so so scary and depressing I don't know what to do or think anymore.
Worth mentioning I've been assessed for actual depression and I don't have it - as in chemically - I sleep well, eat well, enjoy pleasures in life and am a positive person in many ways. I get sad but I don't have depression.
Please help. Please be kind I could not feel more low or crap about myself right now. Feel free to be honest but don't bash me about too much.
Thank you in advance xxxx

My dd changed in her third year. At 2, if she fell down, she would push me away even if she was crying. She's 4 now and lovely and cuddly.

What Mrs Tiggy said - I wouldn't force cuddles on a child who doesn't want them, either, in part because I think that it's imporant to teach children early about bodily autonomy and having the right to determine who touches them and how.

OP, I think you know that you need to continue to work on yourself, your self-esteem and your own neediness, not hope your daughter will change, or pressure her into interactions she's uncomfortable with. Part of what was disturbing about your first post - and was clarified by your update - was that you were project adult emotions and rejections onto her, calling her 'cold' etc, which makes total sense in relation to your experience of being mothered. But that pattern of unhappy mother-daughter relationships needs to stop with you - you simply can't pass it on to your DS, and it's not fair to expect her to make up for the coldness you experienced from your mother, or to deal on a daily basis with your obvious distress.

I say this with sympathy, as I've also cried around my son more than I should have, and I can see how it affected him and made him anxious. I also has pretty crap mothering, but mine was from an anxious, needy woman who genuinely couldn't understand that her children weren't her, and therefore expected them to fail, to be misfits, and unconsciously wanted them to.

I am much angrier about my childhood since having my son, and am trying to channel it into be confident and stable around him, not to suggest the world is a scary place in which he won't be able to manage - to be the reverse of my mother.

It also occurs to me that your dd understands at some level that cuddles are overdetermined and a huge deal for you, and is afraid of the big emotions involved, so can't relax into touch until it feels safer and more casual? She could be following you around because she's worried about your sadness. She may become more demonstrative once you work on not being so upset about it.

And of course you love her - it's obvious from everything you write.

I think HugeManatee makes a good point about therapies that might help access very early experiences. When I was pregnant with my son, I did a yoga class where at one point the teacher dimmed the lights, had us lie down, and them came around and covered us with blankets. One week, she paused, came back to me and pulled the blanket gently down over my toes, and I surprised myself by starting to cry hysterically. I think it called up something about my very early childhood, about a lack of being looked after. I had something similar during a natal hypnotherapy class a bit later, when we were asked to imagine ourselves in a safe place from our childhoods and I realised I didn't have one.

My DD was really non-cuddly til she was 3 yrs old. As a baby she wouldn't even snuggle in when crying she always wanted to be facing out would push me away. Now she is a very affectionate 4 year old, loves cuddles but only when she wants them. I think she just likes to choose when to be touched.

I had a non-cuddly child.

He just was not interested, never put his head on my shoulder when I carried him as a baby, he started literally pushing me away from about 5 months old.

Some humans are just like that, you have to accept how they are and show and share love in different ways.

My boy became a lot more cuddly once he was more independent (he was desperate for independence as a baby, desperate tow all and climb, to learn the cycle, to dress himself) at about 5.

Now he is a big soppy teen who at 5 ft6 likes to come and sit on my lap. You could say we are making up for lost time. He still likes his personal space (literally and emotionally) but he checks in for a cuddle at slats once a day now.

people are different, and one of the challenges of parenting is to embrace them for exactly who and what they are.

Some people (including babies and kids) are not big on hugging, or on showing emotion. It does not mean they do not feel love or emotion.

OP, I'm really pleased you came back. FWIW I think it's brilliant you're exploring this. Just the very fact that you're aware, open and honest about your interpersonal patterns as a parent (and we've all got our idiosyncracies) is way more than many of us are.

Have you tried "acting as if"? Sit down and think about how you would like to respond to your daughter under different circumstances. e.g., you might decide it's a good idea to sit nearby but not really close, so that she can offer/accept physical affection if she wants, but not initiate too often. You might also try repeating in your head "what does she want/need from me right now?" (you could even have these things on a flashcard to look at when you feel your emotions rising) and just try acting in exactly that way. Try it in short bursts to start with as it will be effortful. Learn to recognise when your emotions start ramping up towards crying, and perhaps try just watching them as impassively as you can. Sometimes the key to these things can be learning to tolerate the feelings rather than thinking you have to change them.
I don't think in-depth talking therapies are necessarily always the thing, especially if you've had lots in the past.

Allthatglistens, please read my post again. I don't think we're disagreeing really.

Have you considered that your DD takes after your mother in this respect? Sorry if that's distressing for you to think about. But they do share genes after all!

I don't think you can blame your mother for how she is, just as you can't blame your dd. As an adult, your mother could tackle this. But by accepting the house and not telling her what you really want, you aren't helpimg that either. She possibly thinks that you are happy with the status quo.

Your dd is clearly fine and. The one thing she doesn't like is cuddles. You need to drop this. But you need further counselling imo.

You seem to think that people only love you if they show affection in a way you find acceptable. But we all show it differently. Dh isn't touchy-feely. He shows love by doing quite odd things. Like ordering me some me some supplements he sees and thinks I might like. I am a power lifter and have quite bad food allergies so he knows I struggle with my eating plan. He sees something that's fits, that I can actually have and he will get it. Some people probably think that's bizarre. But I like that he has seen/heard about it, researched it and sourced it for me.

I know it's an odd comparison, but when you feel comfortable in yourself and confident that a person loves you, it's eaiser to see the little things they do that show they love you.

I think exploring this further may help in relationships as well. You may not want one and that's fine. But if you do want one it may help.

Halemary you've really struck a cord with your story! I have no 'safe place' in my childhood at all either. I used to try to cuddle my teachers and my mums friends when I was a kid I was so starved! The part about you crying when the yoga teacher put a blanket over your feet, yep, I do the same if anyone is even slightly kind to me it makes me want to bawl my eyes out. The people on this post who have been particularly kind and gentle have brought me close to tears I found them so so absurdly comforting. Such a rare occurance in this world to have perfect strangers be deeply kind to you!
Penfolds I will try that out later that is excellent advice. I will literally try anything and believe me when I say I'm hanging on every word people are saying on here.
Tumble - not a day goes by when I don't think- "You're your grandmothers grandchild!". Although not to get to deep but my mother had an even worse mother than me, my grandmother (God rest her soul) was truly horrible to my mother, told her she would leave her all the time and she regretted her etc etc. I think that explains my mother a lot and it makes me feel sorry for her and makes me reluctant to want to bring it up with her too much. It's not her fault she is like that she was so damaged by her mum. God we could just keep creeping up the generations finding someone to blame but it's pointless as they are all long gone!
Oh did I mention my mum loves hugging her son. My brother (obviously). That hurts too but I think it's because he's tall and male and makes her feel safe. Her needy smaller daughter just makes her feel irritated!!

Nromanoff- my mother is very, very aware at how much I need her to cuddle me. I've told her loads and she in the end just said "I'm not going to be that sort of mother to you". So I've dropped the subject. It was since then she's buying me a house and said about the wire monkey mothering. I didn't respond as I'd said it so so many times it's like flogging a dead horse and just makes me feel worse so put myself out there to get rejected AGAIN.
Sorry it's tricky this whole starting a thread business as I didn't know what to include and what not to include as I didn't think anyone would be that interested so hence putting it down now when people respond with questions or comments. x

Instead of focussing on your relationship with your daughter, do you think your happiness might improve if you could be understanding and forgiving of your mother, rather than continuing to want what she seems unable or uncomfortable to give? it sounds like she loves you very much - is buying you a house and talking openly about how she wants you to feel loved even if she is a 'wire monkey' mother...

she may have some of the same pangs in her own relationship with you - wanting to show love in a way that isn't meeting her daughter's needs

No it's fine, it's hard to know what's relevant and what's not.

So your mother isn't willing to change, nothing you can do there. What you can do is work on you. Because at the moment your dd is in the same position that you were. She has a mother that's wants to parent in a certain way and keeps parenting in that way, even though it makes her distressed.

Also please understand that the playing, sitting reading, tickles is all contact and she obviously does love you. You are doing a great job, none of us are perfect. But you need to take the pressure off you both to have things exactly how you imagined them. You sound much more self aware and concerned for your dd than you mum does. You are heading in the right direction.

You sound very calm, sensible and self aware OP, entirely different to the tone of your OP!

Now this may sound stupid..... but DD has a teddy she cuddles every night. She loves that teddy and lavishes affection on it. I've often wondered about getting myself a lovely squishy teddy to sleep with at night, but I can't quite do it! Would something like that help you to feel comforted?

Try to concentrate on being the one to be strong enough to break the run of damaging mother daughters in your family. It sounds as if you are the one who could be strong enough to do it.

Doggyface I have spent most of my adult life trying to focus and come to terms with the relationship with my mother. All of the counselling I've had has focussed on this. I said just then that I understand why she's like that and I even feel sorry for her so I do forgive her in many ways. You're right that that is important which is why I've done it. To death.
The reason I asked for help on here is that this is a new problem to me with the dynamic of me being a caring mum to an uncuddly child and being unsure what to do about it. Of course it stems back to my mother but I'm asking for help for a problem I've not tried to deal with in the past that's hit a brick wall. I've sort of shelved and accepted my mum won't cuddle me but my daughter is only two and I'm just seeing what I can do so I don't mess her up even more whilst keeping sane!
Normanoff yes you're right the playing is lovely and I should appreciate it more and stop questioning it constantly. And get a cat!!!

She's only two. Two year olds are the epitome of selfishness. I know because I have one :)

concentrate on being her mum and her friend, and when she is older and can empathise with you, she'll have the sort of relationship with you where she'll give you a hug just because she knows you like it :)

Oh love. You know that this isn't healthy and you know that you're projecting your issues onto your daughter, but at least you can recognise it, which is brilliant and a damn sight more than a lot of people can do. You're a cuddly, touchy person, and your mum didn't give you the cuddles you need, and so you hoped your daughter would, but you lucked out and got a non-cuddler. Now, in the nicest possible way, you are going to damage your daughter with this. She's a two year old person, not a possession of yours there to serve your needs. Can you perhaps look at rebuilding the bond between you in totally different ways? Look at what makes her tick and build something from there, rather than hoping she'll give you what you need to make you tick?

OP this is totally off-topic but if you want a friendly cat, get a birman. They are expensive (think about £400 each) but if you want an affectionate pet and you can't get a dog then they are the best. I have two and they are always, always by my side. You can cuddle them like babies. I actually find them more affectionate than the dogs I've had, which is saying something as all my dogs have been very cuddly.

Therapies that might help:
Functional analytic psychotherapy
Filial play therapy (with your daughter)
Therapist
My father is 64 and has been having therapy in one form or another since he was 23. If you still have such significant issues, you still need it.

Or maybe look into Schema therapy?

You havent accepted it though. You have shelved it, but its still there.

My mum is very different with me that she is with dbro. Its bloody hard. But when you have accepted it and moved on, it doesn't encroach on life anywhere near as much.

Yes I do feel calmer today. Mostly thanks to you lot talking me off a ledge I might add so thank you for that. Night times can really bring out the ol' emotions and I was really feeling it last night, I had a tricky day and that was a massive cry for help. And help I got so it worked.
I will look into those therapies, it does appear that whatever therapy I've had till now (20 years of it since I was 17) has not worked. Again it just means that I assumed I am too deeply damaged to be repaired. A human write off if you will.
I wish I could have been more lucid last night to point out that I am aware that the problem lies with me, not my daughter. I just felt so worn down by it and confused at my own feelings. I have such little armoury to battle through life with resulting in me getting very easily defeated and hurt by a lot of things. I need to work on that and equip myself better, so I will look into more treatment that you lot have suggested on here. And get a Birman cat when I move house!
God you lot have been so kind and amazing I can't thank you enough xxx

Is there any chance that having a daughter like this will help you to see why your mother is like she is? Up until now, you may have assumed that your mother's behaviour was mainly a choice she was making, but seeing it repeated in your 2 year old shows that she really can't help it, she was born that way.

Glad you are feeling calmer today.

I was a very un cuddly child. As an adult I only like being touched my my dh.

My mum just accepted that's how I was. I was a very easy baby and she could just leave me with a book at that age. It didn't mean I didn't love her at all and we have a great relationship.

My best friend also has a kid who doesn't want cuddles. Again, she just accepts it. We are all different.

You're confusing your child's lack of limpet like affection with lack of love. The two are NOT synonymous. It's you that needs to change, not her. Your child shouldn't be burdened with filling any kind of void in your life. I suggest you seek some counselling to explore your own issues before you damage your child with neediness (I just read this back and it sounds very harsh - I don't mean to be nasty at all, I just think you need to love your child as she us and seek fulfilment in other areas of your life.)