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Picky guest. Rude and ill-mannered or within his rights?

896 replies

AddToBasket · 29/06/2015 17:34

Gah. I am throwing a themed dinner party for friends from a particular interest. (A bit like a medieval feast for people from a 12th Century interest group.) The menu is complicated and of the 'Take one plucked flamingo' school of recipes. It's a massive deal and will require military-like organisation to pull off but I'm looking forward to it.

It's at my house but I have a co-host. The partner of the co-host will not eat anything on the menu. There are four options for starter, five for main course, four for pudding. My co-host tells me he eat won't eat any of them.

He's not vegetarian or allergic, he just doesn't like vegetables or anything 'complicated'. I've been asked to serve a plain chicken breast. The menu includes a roast chicken salad (offensive because of watercress) and a plain couscous.

I think it's rude. AIBU?

OP posts:
LashesandLipstick · 02/07/2015 23:01


Your example made me giggle. Using that example though, if your partner was crap, would you want to fake it so you didn't hurt their feelings? How would they get any better? And how would they feel when they found out?

"I appreciate you being concerned about my enjoyment. X was good however I didn't enjoy y, next time shall we try z?" Is a better response than either.

To me that just seems really false. I've iften thought other people seem false and this is helping me realise why. I'm also wondering if gender norms come into it - I've found men more willing to be direct than women, and stereotypically women are "meant" (not my opinion!) to please everyone. Hmmm

Tuskerfull · 03/07/2015 08:39

Well, it depends how it's said doesn't it?

Host: "How's the food?"
Guest: [pregnant pause] "Er, well, I can see you've put a lot of effort in."

As opposed to:

Host: "How's the food?"
Guest: [enthusiastically] "You've put so much effort into it, I'm so pleased you invited me!"

I would not be at all upset by the latter and I wouldn't read into it that the guest didn't like the food.

But there's a perfect example of "NT people" not being on the same wavelength or recognising the same rules!

Crocodopolis · 03/07/2015 08:45

Lashes, I am on the spectrum and don't appreciate your sweeping generalisations about those of us on the spectrum or NTs. Your experiences are yours alone. You do not represent or speak for all of us.

Crocodopolis · 03/07/2015 08:46

whole flock of Mr Chicken Breasts

I wonder what their mating call is? Grin

Tuskerfull · 03/07/2015 09:14


ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/07/2015 09:28


But I still don't really understand why your co-host doesn't just deal with it and bring a fecking chicken breast with him! OR tell his partner to bring one when he comes, if your co-host will have come earlier under his own steam.

I completely understand why the guy is coming, partners are invited, he doesn't want to be excluded; I can even hack the whole "not wanting to get into the theme" (my DH is one of those); but I cannot for the life of me fathom why he doesn't just say "is it ok if I bring something along that I can eat" - and THAT's where the rudeness comes in, because he's expecting YOU to deal with HIS problem with absolutely no input from his side. And that's shit. And your co-host is complicit in that for not just dealing with it.

I would seriously tell your co-host to sort it - a cold chicken breast from M&S (or anywhere in fact!) won't look completely out of place at your feast, far from it! - or his partner will be going hungry at the feast, because you have absolutely no time to produce yet another dish for him alone.

Crocodopolis · 03/07/2015 09:35

Hah, Tusk!

frumpet · 03/07/2015 09:42

Tell them to bring their own packed lunch , no access to the kitchen as you will be busy using it so it will have to be cold . That way they get to eat something acceptable to them without causing hassle to anyone else .

Pepperpot99 · 03/07/2015 09:47

I would give him a tenner and the address of the nearest branch of Sainsbury's.

AlisonBlunderland · 03/07/2015 13:18

It's a shame that the OP will be busy this evening with cooking and serving 13 courses (+ / - .... a plain chicken breast)

A live tweetathon would be awesome!

SolidGoldBrass · 03/07/2015 16:39

Lashes, you have been complaining a lot that you get repeatedly excluded from social events. This is not because you have 'a condition', it's because you take a positive delight in making other people feel guilty and uncomfortable for enjoying themselves. People who make a big deal of how 'honest' and 'direct' they are seem to feel it's a better way to be than, you know, to have some fucking manners. And the 'truth' they like to tell is never, ever, anything pleasant, it's always insults with a big dose of self-righteousness about how 'superficial' and 'insincere' politer people are.

That's why other people don't like the 'honest' types. It's because they're assclowns.

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 16:43

Solid no I haven't, where have I said I get excluded? I've said several times my friends and I often go out for meals and no one minds me either not eating or eating something different.

So much as you'd like to believe assclowns like me are excluded, unfortunately there are enough of us around to enjoy each other's assclownery :)

Crocodopolis · 03/07/2015 16:44

Thank you, solidbrass.

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 16:45

Croc you're thanking someone for insulting me and making baseless accusations? Confused

Floggingmolly · 03/07/2015 16:54

Applauds SGB

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 16:56

Hahaha you're all really going to join in insumting me, in fact not even join in just back do done else up like a bunch of playground bullies? Grow up.

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 16:56



Sorry my phone likes to change my words

eddielizzard · 03/07/2015 16:57

yes, i agree with sgb. reading her post i realise that under the guise of 'honesty' my mil and sil have slung quite a few insults my way over the years. it doesn't make it pleasant to be around them that much.

limitedperiodonly · 03/07/2015 17:18

SGB is often described on MN as blunt. (To say the least).

I sometimes agree with her and sometimes I don't.

Whatever - she's always honest. That's what you prize lashes, isn't it?

This time she has me in her corner. That's also because I've met her a few times and she manages to combine robust views with charm and didn't hunt me down for my view when it didn't concur with hers.

Do you want to give me that tenner now sgb? Wink

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 17:20

Limited being honest is fine - it's lying about me I object to. Her dislike of me doesn't bother me, and like I said your playground tactics are pathetic.

CardinalRed · 03/07/2015 17:22

Lashes, while I gave an example of what not to say post coitally, it's a bit of a leap to move from discussion about conversational in everyday social inter course to conversation about intercourse!
And not one I'm comfortable making on a public forum.

Crocodopolis · 03/07/2015 17:24

Lashes, if you feel that SGB's or my post was against MN guidelines, please report it to MNHQ.

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 17:24

Cardinal fair enough, obviously not everyone's comfortable with that. :)

LashesandLipstick · 03/07/2015 17:25

Fine croc, although your view of "take it up with them if you don't like my behaviour" still comes over as playground bullying.

limitedperiodonly · 03/07/2015 17:29

There's a lot you can learn in the playground lashes.

You probably learn more if you are a victim of it.

Especially manipulative behaviour when things don't work out your way.

Do come back to me if you want tips, but I suspect there's nothing I can teach you.

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