To be upset and annoyed at how this very large man ruined our trip to the theatre?

[QueenBean]

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and my boyfriend bought me really good tickets to a show I've been wanting to see. The show is interactive and so he picked seats at the end of the row, about 3 rows from the stage. He booked these about 4 months ago to ensure they were good seats and paid £80 per ticket (I know this because it was printed on the ticket).

When we arrived, there was a morbidly obese man sitting in the seat next to mine. Except he was also taking up part of my seat, arm right over the armrest etc. I was then wedged in my seat, squeezed up to my boyfriend for the whole show. I asked the box office if they had any spare seats but they only had them in row T, far back from our seats and the next price bracket down. They also had some in a box but we wouldn't have been able to join in with the show. They said they wouldn't be able to refund and offer tickets for another day.

I felt really sorry for this man, he was clearly uncomfortable in his chair and kept moving to sort of move away from my seat. I didn't make it in any way obvious that I was uncomfortable or anything.

But I am pretty annoyed about it, and was upset last night about having our lovely trip to the theatre impacted so much by someone else. We booked our seats so far in advance to get suitable ones - why couldn't this man have booked a more suitable seat for himself? The boxes were the same price seats and had free seating (ie, they aren't fixed to the floor so can be moved), I am not sure why he couldn't have booked one of those when one was still free last night.

I am going to get flamed for not being more understanding, but what was meant to be an expensive birthday treat was greatly impacted by this man and I think he could have considered his size more when booking his own seat.

Aibu to feel annoyed at this?

Exasperation then grumple? If the bloke was an alcoholic who was leaning onto her while drunk do we have to just grin and bear that too because its not his fault?

No need to grin and bear it, unless you want to. Try to fix the situation at the time, remove yourself from it, or suck it up. Why choose to let someone else's behaviour 'ruin' your day? Life is too short.

So the theatre could have moved you and DP to the empty box and so allowed the man more space but without actually embarrassing him but requesting he move. I think the theatre box office staff were unhelpful.

I'd have been fucked off at being squashed by someone and wedged in my seat.

People are going on about compassion and tolerance but this man knows he is fat he knows his frame might spill over onto somebody else why does the squashee have to betolerant and compassionate if you have somebodies backside practically on your lap being overweight is a personal issue and of course it isnt as simple eating less but taking up somebody elses space is bloody annoying

I just know that if the person next to you had been disabled and stimming or shouting through the performance, you'd have also complained. What an ugly personality trait.

I would have complained, for what it's worth, formidable . The issue for me is not the person behaving in such a way through no fault of their own. It is them avoidably putting themselves in a situation whereby they would disrupt a necessarily quiet environment for possibly hundreds of other people. That to me is selfish.

Ummm plantsitter actually no, being obese isn't a symptom of some physical or mental health issue. I was obese because I ate too much through habit, boredom & lack of willpower.
Since I've lost weight, I look back on my former self and cringe at the excuses I used to make for my weight and reasons why I couldn't lose it and based on my slimming group, friends & family, I'd agree that 90% of obese people could do something about it.

So op, I too would be really pissed off to have had an expensive evening ruined in that way. I'm afraid if you are big enough to potentially overspill into someone else's seat, you make enquiries before booking to see if you can get a double seat, end of row etc and if you can't, well then you don't go.

I'd have been upset and peeved as well, OP. Sadly, that's the risk you take when you go to any venue. Sometimes you're unlucky.

I do think the man should have shown some consideration and chosen a different seat, though.

This thread has made me cry. My son, due to medication is currently morbidly obese. He was offered a holiday in Floriday by his father, but refused, he won't go to the theatre, restauarants or many places, socially because of people like those on here. He is currently losing weight because a better medication has been found for him, but people are so cruel and judgemental.

Dawn I'm very sorry that it made you cry,that wasnt the intention. I am glad that your son is on the mend.

60sName so someone who makes a bit of noise shouldn't ever go to the theatre? Or the cinema? Or a spa? Or a library?

How unfair.

I'm obese 'cos I suddenly got an illness which has left me in a wheelchair. I can hobble a few feet to sit in a theatre seat which gives me a break from sitting in the wheelchair.

I have no idea how I'm going to lose weight, eating healthily but unable to be mobile and medication means I have grown and remain at a set size.

Ironically I was running marathons and always slim, busy, active, not lazy etc until,within a week, I became very very ill.

Not to mention the mental aspect of my life changing so rapidly, lost my sense of sense, lost fairweather friends, lost financially and sadly lost the ability to spend much time with my young children - this is the most upsetting.

I miss my running and feel alien in this new body. I feel so down but occasionally with wheelchair and a carer I get to go outside.

I am ashamed at my weight (in my heart) but know I shouldn't be (rationally thinking) but this thread has confirmed to me what I fear most -

Majority of you prejudge and assume I'm lazy, selfish and it's my fault I'm like this.

My solidarity and care to those in a similar position.

Flaneuteringaround

I don't think that's fair. I am not judging the reason why someone is that size. I have said that I don't think overweight people should be locked away or stop them living a normal life.

I am however saying that they should consider what else that could do to ensure that their size doesn't impact other people's experiences. I don't really care if people are fat or not - it's none of my business - so long as I don't have to sit next to them, squished in.

Annoyance and empathy don't have to be mutually exclusive

In the OP's position I'd be annoyed and uncomfortable. I'd feel aggrieved that my evening hadn't been what I was hoping. I also wouldn't consider making a fuss because I wouldn't want to cause upset and embarrassment to the other person.

It can be possible to hold both view points.

I was ill last week & couldn't get to the gym for 3 days. I lost 3 lbs.

Yeah, that's the same as a chronic health condition. Maybe you should stick to commenting on issues you actually know something about?

Clearly, many people are unwilling to educate themselves about the causes of obesity, so I suppose fat-shaming of the chronically ill is likely to continue for the foreseeable future. If only it were as simple as eating fewer calories!

Just one example: some patients on TNF-inhibitors for arthritis find that they gain substantial amounts of weight inexplicably. Doctors don't know why. Many very compliant patients have modified their diet and exercise patterns under medical supervision and yet continue to gain weight. This weight gain is acknowledged to be a direct side-effect of the medication, but attempts to counteract the effect are unsuccessful for those patients. The specialists have no idea why they can't lose the weight, but the medication keeps their arthritis from progressing, and so they are advised to keep taking it.

The endocrine system is extremely complex and not well understood. Eating fewer calories and getting more exercise will not solve the problem of obesity in many cases, because the interactions of hormones in many populations is poorly understood - and this includes well-studied conditions such as diabetes.

If people would get their information from reputable sources instead of the Daily Fail, maybe we'd hear less nonsense about obesity.

The number of people who are morbidly obese due to a medical condition is tiny sorcha stop trying to pretend otherwise.

Nobody mentioned lazy or selfish the op just didnt need this man on half her seat which is a fair point tbh

The number of people who are morbidly obese due to a medical condition is tiny sorcha stop trying to pretend otherwise.

There are already numerous examples up-thread of medical conditions causing obesity. Did you read the whole thread?

Weather or not the obese person is 'at fault' for being obese, it is not ok for them to cause a problem for the people around them in the situation being discussed here.

The seating arrangements at an outing to the theater can be managed and problems preempted and avoided. ie: ask for an isle seat or ask if there is any 'free' seating which can moved to accommodate a person who is larger than average.

I don't think it's on to say that 'people like the OP' are stopping obese people going out. If i'd paid a lot of money for a seat at a venue i'd be pissed off to find myself sharing it with someone else. Would we be fine about a tall person sat in the seat behind us hanging their legs over our shoulders because there's no leg room for them? No! So why should we be fine with someone else's arms, hips or belly squashing us in our seat?

YANBU it is unfair on you and himself!

I am twenty odd stones and I know I cannot go to the theatre because of the discomfort of the seating and I know my size would impact on the people sitting next to me!

I go to the cinema during the day as I know I can find a seat away from everybody else.

I'm losing weight now. Lost 9lb so far to enable me to live again.

I had this problem at a concert recently, the guy sitting in front of me was at least 6'8" and I watched whole concert through a gap made by his arm. He was so embarrassed and kept apologising offering to move seats etc (ie blocking someone else's view) but at the end of the day we're all human beings with feelings and I bet the guy at the theatre was mortified and spent the whole time stopping himself from running out with embarrassment.

OP you sound like a spoiled princess who needs life to be just perfect all the time.

Shut up you absolute twit, of course she doesn't!

Op, I think YADNBU, you were looking forward to this treat for ages and had to spend the whole night in discomfort.

The thread is not about whether being obese is a character flaw or a medical condition (or at least it shouldn't be). It's about whether the OP is being unreasonable to be upset that someone else sat in her seat with her.