To be upset and annoyed at how this very large man ruined our trip to the theatre?

[QueenBean]

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and my boyfriend bought me really good tickets to a show I've been wanting to see. The show is interactive and so he picked seats at the end of the row, about 3 rows from the stage. He booked these about 4 months ago to ensure they were good seats and paid £80 per ticket (I know this because it was printed on the ticket).

When we arrived, there was a morbidly obese man sitting in the seat next to mine. Except he was also taking up part of my seat, arm right over the armrest etc. I was then wedged in my seat, squeezed up to my boyfriend for the whole show. I asked the box office if they had any spare seats but they only had them in row T, far back from our seats and the next price bracket down. They also had some in a box but we wouldn't have been able to join in with the show. They said they wouldn't be able to refund and offer tickets for another day.

I felt really sorry for this man, he was clearly uncomfortable in his chair and kept moving to sort of move away from my seat. I didn't make it in any way obvious that I was uncomfortable or anything.

But I am pretty annoyed about it, and was upset last night about having our lovely trip to the theatre impacted so much by someone else. We booked our seats so far in advance to get suitable ones - why couldn't this man have booked a more suitable seat for himself? The boxes were the same price seats and had free seating (ie, they aren't fixed to the floor so can be moved), I am not sure why he couldn't have booked one of those when one was still free last night.

I am going to get flamed for not being more understanding, but what was meant to be an expensive birthday treat was greatly impacted by this man and I think he could have considered his size more when booking his own seat.

Aibu to feel annoyed at this?

You don't need to talk about flab, disgust or being forced to press against someone's flesh

But a lot of people do feel disgust at being forced to press against someone else s flesh for long periods of time.

That's not fat shaming. That's fact.

People are stating how it makes them feel.

Would it be more correct if they were to say - ''it makes me extremely uncomfortable when a person's body is encroaching on my space and I end up being squashed against their body''.

Is that better?

"That's not fat shaming. That's fact.
People are stating how it makes them feel."

Feelings are by their very nature subjective. If sitting next to an overweight person I'd be quite guarded about my space. Sitting next to someone who looked like Bradley Cooper, if I'm absolutely honest I'd have to concentrate quite hard not to end up accidentally leaning on him. But you do not have to tell someone these things. You don't have to say you're disgusted. What does it add and what good does it do? What are you trying to achieve?

Why not just say that you want the space you paid for, and do not want to share it with someone you don't know, or with anyone else without prior consent? That's (relatively) neutral. It might be true that you feel disgust, but offering that truthful information does not make it neutral.

Do you think it helps anyone to know that you feel disgusted by them? I have very occasionally heard of people being inspired to lose weight because they cannot fit into seating. But I don't think that counteracts the damage done by making people feel bad about themselves. Given the links between over-eating and low self esteem, being aware of people's disgust is unhelpful and unkind.

Actually myeyes that would be better than graphically describing disgust and flab etc

I saw a programme on TV a while ago about tooth decay in children. The dentist was saying that almost all of it was completely preventable but because of the society we now live in this was never anybody's fault (with exasperation) nobody can ever be blamed or seen as responsible for it. Threads about obesity often remind me of that.

incidentally an American plane did crash as they underestimated weight of the passengers on a day when there were more people over the average weight they used to calculate Fuel - they ran out of fuel and crashed and there were no survivors - but how you deal with it is not weighing people with luggage and publically humiliating - you could ask passengers to include their weight when booking and allow for people underestimating and potential weight gain between booking and the flight, or you could have a plate on each boarding walkway that discreetly weighs as people walk over it, or you could regularly review the average weight used in the calculation taking in to account global variances in average weight - and I'm sure that. There are many other clever ways of managing the problem without adding indignity to the air travel experience.

I asked this question up thread, nobody answered.

All the posters insisting obesity is not just down to overeating and is due to disability/trauma/MH does this also apply to all the overweight/obese children and how do you explain the dramatic rise in obesity in both adults and children, and pets for that matter? Is it just an increase disability/trauma/MH problems in the population?

So many people invested in "how" you talk about obesity and larger people. Who's going to decide or dictate how that is done then? No wonder obesity is becoming endemic here and at a younger age. Not necessarily the obese person, but the people around them will over-sympathise almost to a point of killing with kindness

I think you've explained yourself enough times OP & in your place Id have felt the same. Some huge guy next to me spilling over into my seat would be a lack of personal space nightmare for me, I hate being wedged up against people I don't know. if it were possible Id have moved. My feelings first, sorry.

What are people supposed to do, sit there in discomfort for fear that an obese person will be offended?

There's so much denial about obesity being the killer it is, in the west. So many excuses too, speaking as if its mainly due to medical issues (no it isn't) or something that can't be changed (yes it can). Its an addiction to food mostly but mainly a certain type of food ie greasy junk...its a choice to eat that food. I can't say I feel any major sympathy

I have been overweight in the past, I still struggle as I like my food but I didn't faff around blaming it on medical issues. Id love to wallow in starch and carbs but I know I can't so I aim to be sensible when I can. When you're huge, sweaty at the slightest exertion, skin chafing...sympathy won't save you but a dose of reality and a plan might

The interesting thing about all those solutions maddening is that they all subtly reinforce this idea that a person's (and especially a large person's) weight is a shameful thing. Which is pretty bizarre as its clearly pretty obvious when a person is overweight. I may not want my weight shouted out to the waiting crowd but it's not a secret either - anyone with vision could make a pretty accurate guess. I think we have a very fucked up relationship with food and weight in the UK. I don't feel that fat shaming or denial are going to solve it at an individual or societal level.

Well surely it is down to vast numbers of problems and surely that is why pasting all people with obesity or weight problems is a bit rich on a site where most other issues get replies suggesting that you consider that the person might have difficulties due to x,y,z and so you should not be so judgemental is much lower on weight threads.

Weight problems could be due to

Medication side affects (inc hormone contraception)
Symptoms of illness or conditions (eg pcos)
Eating disorders
Physical difficulties making exercise impossible
Pregnancy
Mh problems not due to eating disorders
Lifestyle but with no contributing factor above

I do think that when it comes to being morbidly obese that there must be other contributing factors and that those people should be afforded more empathy - sure there will be people who are simply lifestyle issues in there but. By that point major support is needed to address the weight problem that resulted.

I had this on a 14 hour flight!

I'm sorry, but it is the problem of the person with the weight issue, however sad and difficult the reasons behind it may be. It's not acceptable for them to quite literally and physically make it someone else's problem. If there is no solution that they find acceptable - sitting in a box etc- then no, maybe they shouldn't be doing that activity at all.

fakenamefornow The reason that there is an epidemic now is that the availability of cheap food is so much higher. This doesn't negate the fact that there are very many people who find it substantially harder to maintain a healthy weight than others, or that there are genetic and mental health problems that underpin that truth.

If, for example, you feel extremely hungry all the time regardless of how many calories you have eaten then you will gain weight much much more readily than someone who doesn't feel hungry once they have met their calorie requirement.

Such a person would still be slim in a time at which obtaining food is very hard. That doesn't mean that their medical problem isn't the root cause of their obesity in the current situation of over supply of food.

So in other words people are now obese because of the combination of underlying physical and mental issues with food and the availability of excessive amounts of very cheap food.

The present of the latter doesn't negate the existence of the former.

maddening Thu 25-Jun-15 19:25:32

incidentally an American plane did crash as they underestimated weight of the passengers on a day when there were more people over the average weight they used to calculate Fuel - they ran out of fuel and crashed and there were no survivors

May I ask you to link please? I'd be very interested to see this. The difference a couple of overweight people would make would be highly unlikely to cause a fuel deficit as there is normally allowance made for potential diversion etc.

And you would normally have a bit of notice if you were low on fuel, so it is likely if this incident occurred, it was due to a combination of factors and the overweight was just one small factor.

Agree, IceBeing. The constant eating whatever the time and venue is a relatively recent thing as well. There was a time when eating outdoors was considered a hugely uncouth thing to do.
People ate at mealtimes, sitting indoors at the table. Munching takeaway sandwiches / burgers / mars bars walking along the street for no other reason that the fact that it's easily available / acceptable to do so would have been severely frowned upon only a generation ago.

Oh found it, the Beech 1900D at Charlotte? 2003

NTSB report cites incorrect rigging of ECS compounded by centre of gravity issues (too much aft)

Not overweight as such being the cause but there was a recommendation to address assumptions of average weight.

I think I would have been annoyed too. Mind you, I have a guide dog, who takes up quite a lot of foot-space, and he encroaches on other people sometimes - trains, buses etc. (haven't been to the theatre with him yet). I do my best to tuck him in, but sometimes there just isn't enough room. It does make me feel awkward, and I do apologise.

I suppose you never know if the person next to you has a fear of dogs or similar. I am sometimes rather conscious that I'm imposing a large, hairy, pink-tongued animal on people! He is gorgeous and very well-behaved, and dog-minded people always love him, but I do feel conscious.

I have to make quite an effort of willpower not to talk to assistance dogs and distract them from working. People who don't like dogs presumably won't like them in their space but their are quite a lot of dog fans who would see sharing space with them as a positive thing.

There, not their

Yes, you're right of course Gabilan. Thanks.

A number of years ago when checking in for a flight, I was actually asked if I was ok sitting next to a service dog. They had left an extra seat in the row for him (he was on the floor). It didn't bother me at all, I was travelling with two of my own dogs in the hold that day. I'm not sure if the saw the dogs on my booking and thought 'I bet she'll be fine with the dog' or whether it was just a coincidence that I was assigned that seat. I did think it was quite clever of the airline to actually check that a passenger would be comfortable that close to a dog and avoid any potential problems on board.

I agree with Gabilan, I have to restrain myself. I love sharing space with service dogs.

Stupidbloodykindle 23/6/15 post....I like the description of your DH. I'd feel extrememy safe with him. Also, he sounds an ideal size to play Jack Reacher from the Lee Child books. IMO. Nothing valid to offer in way of response to OP, Mostly been covered really