To be upset and annoyed at how this very large man ruined our trip to the theatre?

[QueenBean]

It was my birthday a few weeks ago and my boyfriend bought me really good tickets to a show I've been wanting to see. The show is interactive and so he picked seats at the end of the row, about 3 rows from the stage. He booked these about 4 months ago to ensure they were good seats and paid £80 per ticket (I know this because it was printed on the ticket).

When we arrived, there was a morbidly obese man sitting in the seat next to mine. Except he was also taking up part of my seat, arm right over the armrest etc. I was then wedged in my seat, squeezed up to my boyfriend for the whole show. I asked the box office if they had any spare seats but they only had them in row T, far back from our seats and the next price bracket down. They also had some in a box but we wouldn't have been able to join in with the show. They said they wouldn't be able to refund and offer tickets for another day.

I felt really sorry for this man, he was clearly uncomfortable in his chair and kept moving to sort of move away from my seat. I didn't make it in any way obvious that I was uncomfortable or anything.

But I am pretty annoyed about it, and was upset last night about having our lovely trip to the theatre impacted so much by someone else. We booked our seats so far in advance to get suitable ones - why couldn't this man have booked a more suitable seat for himself? The boxes were the same price seats and had free seating (ie, they aren't fixed to the floor so can be moved), I am not sure why he couldn't have booked one of those when one was still free last night.

I am going to get flamed for not being more understanding, but what was meant to be an expensive birthday treat was greatly impacted by this man and I think he could have considered his size more when booking his own seat.

Aibu to feel annoyed at this?

The theatre should definitely have been a bit more understanding / accommodation. If they couldn't offer you an alternative seat with an equal r better view, then they should have offered you tickets for another visit.

I'd write to them and se what they say, you may get a better response.

*sorcha with the exception of certain medication most overweight and obese people simply eat too much.

That was certainly the case for me, despite me wishing I had an underactive thyroid that just wasn't the case.*

I understand why you draw on your own experience. However, your own experience isn't necessarily representative of all obesity, and of course it's easy to find counter-examples - there are counter-examples all over this thread.

You have oversimplified the problem by saying that most overweight and obese people simply eat too much, and your only evidence is your own experience. Meanwhile, others on the thread have engaged with the complexities of the causes of obesity, which is more persuasive than generalisations based on insufficient evidence.

The exception of certain medications which you refer to is actually a bigger problem than many people are willing to acknowledge, perhaps because if you don't have a chronic health problem you don't see how commonplace the problem is. However, many thousands of people with common disabilities are taking these medications, so it is not a minor issue.

I do understand that it's not comfortable for anyone to be squashed at the theatre.

However, I don't understand why being a bit squashed ruined your evening or impinged on the "£80's worth of seat".

You pay for the view at the theatre surely? You probably had a better view than the person who also paid £80 & sat immediately behind your tall DH.

Unless you are talking about someone so large that every standard seat they sit in would be too small, I can't see how you would expect him to know the width of seats at that particular venue. I rarely go to the theatre. I would have no idea.

Personally, I would have assumed that he was more uncomfortable than I & not really considered it an issue. What can you do? He also paid £80 for his seat I assume - why should he leave without seeing the show because the seats are too small?

But then again, an "interactive show" sounds like my idea of hell. I'd pay £80 to sit somewhere I wasn't likely to be pulled up on stage!

You can be as fat as you like and it's none of my business, but you don't get to sit on half my £80 seat that I've paid for and expect me to suck it up.
I would have been very annoyed. OP yanbu.

You are not being unreasonable

*60sName so someone who makes a bit of noise shouldn't ever go to the theatre? Or the cinema? Or a spa? Or a library?

How unfair.*

Or they could consider participating in one of the many, many activities for which silence is not a prerequisite - and judging by my experience of the above activities, this is indeed what they do.

I wouldn't call shouting repeatedly throughout a theatre performance 'a bit of noise'.

There are already numerous examples up-thread of medical conditions causing obesity. Did you read the whole thread?
Yep, 1 thread on MN is a fair representation of the whole population.
Most people who are fat are so because they eat more than they need to, there isn't always are freaking medical excuse for it. Its called greed!

YANBU at all OP - consideration works both ways, and you were certainly considerate by not saying anything to him in order not to embarrass him. You should be applauded for your tolerance, not vilified by the Obese Mafia on here.

Since no-one can guess at the cause of the gentleman's weight, let's assume it was 100% not his fault. As other posters with weight problems have stated, it would have been considerate and kinder for him to book two seats. In this instance, he was the selfish one. OP paid for her seat, and he was taking up the space that she had paid for. How is this remotely ok?!

On airplanes if someone is too large to fit into one seat and is encroaching on your personal space you have the right to refuse to share your seat. After all, everyone is entitled to the space they have paid for. If someone else wishes to share that space it is entirely down to your goodwill. In OP's case, she clearly demonstrated that goodwill, but she is definitely NBU to be so cheesed off that her birthday treat was ruined by this man's selfishness.

And I say that as someone who is currently overweight and have in the past been medically obese!

There are already numerous examples up-thread of medical conditions causing obesity. Did you read the whole thread?

The whole idea that there is some metabolic 'cause' behind obesity has been largely debunked. It really is as simple as calories in/calories out.

This is really interesting

"obesity is ALWAYS a symptom of something else - whether that's diabetes medicine or mental illness of some sort."

No, it isn't. I do understand that sometimes weight gain is due to illness or infirmity. I do sympathise with that. I also recognise that in many cases appetite control is very difficult because someone can have a very complex relationship with food. That said, I also know plenty of people who have gradually put on weight over the years through eating a little bit too much and not quite exercising enough. It only takes a slight imbalance with calories in/ calories out for quite substantial weight gain over time.

We live in an obesogenic environment. We build our towns and cities around cars and leave very little space for pedestrians and even less for cyclists and then come up with a lot of numpty half-arsed threads on MN complaining about cyclists . And then we load ourselves up with sugary foods. What we haven't done is then adapt that environment to accommodate larger people, so that airline, cinema and theatre seats are only really comfortable if you're under 5'10" and less than a size 12.

OP YANBU. You pay for a seat, you should have that seat, not share it with someone else for whatever reason. Unfortunately though we've designed public spaces so that these problems will increase rather than decrease.

As a morbidly obese person myself I always make the effort to get an aisle seat so I only ever spill over onto someone that knows and loves me.

I take seat belt extenders on planes or dip into savings to fly Business

However, sometimes it is just not possible, whether I'm unable to choose seats when booking or if someone else has booked something.

In these instances I worry worry worry worry worry worry until I feel sick. Sometimes it's ok because the seat it big enough. Sometimes my enjoyment is ruined. Sometimes the person I'm sitting next to acknowledges my discomfort too and is kind to me (thank you, that man on a plane last year)

Sure, I could just stop eating. I've been anorexic before. I suppose that would make your evening more enjoyable but it wasn't great for me.

So, no, YANBU for wanting to be more comfortable op. But I bet this man's life every day is a hell of a lot worse than yours, what with his clear mental as well as physical problems

YANBU OP

I tend to fly quite alot due to my job and hate it when I am sitting beside a larger person that encroaches on my space.
Ryanair seats are small enough as is and it's unreasonable to think it's ok to take up half of the person's seat next to you.

I was once on a flight at the window seat beside a very large man both in height and weight. He took up at least half my seat and had one leg and foot in my footwell. I had a panic attack because I felt so claustrophobic.

I never ever say anything, just squeeze in and get on with it. I would never want anybody to feel upset on my behalf. But I feel that I should be able to say something. It's PC gone mad when I feel I can't speak up for fear of hurting someone's feelings.

Like many posters above, I don't care that the person is overweight or their lifestyle choices or anything that comes with that. But I do care about my comfort and common curtsey.

Also I really don't agree with these keyboard warriors on here of course the OP was rightfully put out. You would be too if somebody made an experience unpleasant for whatever reason. Get off your high horse!

If I find someone encroaching on my space whilst flying I wait until the seatbelt signs go off and then ask to move. It's not always possible but if it is, I just move. I don't want to offend anyone, but then again I like my back the way it is.

I don't see it as the fault of the person sitting next to me - I view it as a design fault on the part of the airlines. I'm comparatively small and find the seats just about do me so they must be blinking uncomfortable for anyone a bit larger. Perhaps we all just need to accept that actually flying shouldn't really be cheap, we shouldn't be cramming into planes and we might need to pay more, or travel less, or catch a train.

There is a middle ground between morbidly obese and anorexic, condom

You can keep your Flogging.

I am aware. Making a point it's not that easy for all of us.

liquoricetwirl - you clearly don't understand even the most basic info about eating disorders

I was just making the point that the next stop on from morbid obesity is not anorexia...

I'm just interested on what you actually say to someone who's sitting next to you who is slightly encroaching on your space? Do you cause a scene by refusing to sit down, scream blue murder until they move? Make yourself look a complete twat with no sense of shame, with no empathy. Yes, they might be spilling over a bit, yes, their thigh may touch yours...drama, drama, drama! I've been big and smaller. I've sat in seats on planes and the theatre where the tall man/smelly smoker/drinker/sweet wrapper crinkler/crisp eater/small child fidget has sat next to/in front of me and never have I shamed them and never have shamed them back.

And I do have a condition where I have a fat disorder called lipoedema. It's cannot be cured by diet and exercise. It's a real disorder where the fat cells do not respond to diet and exercise and it is genetic. No cure, nada. It's not rare, up to 11% of the female population has it, some disabled by it, some just look like larger ladies.

I have seen and heard real life experiences of ladies who are large by no fault of their own shamed by lots of similar experiences like on here. Ladies who have truly tried every diet and CAN NOT lose the weight, it's genetically impossible.

You never know how much you're hurting someone when you fat shame them. Some laugh it off but it's cutting them inside. Have a little empathy for god sake.

Ok, you were a bit squeezed, whatever

Gablian, whilst I agree that there should be more provisions made for people's comfort, I don't really agree that I should pay more for it since I fit into my allocated space perfectly fine. its a tough one

I have a friend who is overweight her reasoning which she fully admits is cake some folk just like to eat to much food and that makes them overweight not all overeaters are unhappy or have illness they just like lots of food and tbf thats their business

60sname you aren't the lady twat who sat next to me on the Athens flight are you?

butternutsquish I did in no way fat shame this person. I said absolutely nothing and didn't make it clear in any way that I was uncomfortable

Sorry that you aren't able to lose weight but it's not fair to say that just because of your issue, others should just take the consequences.