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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was my dd being unreasonable?

203 replies

TheBFGisme1234 · 22/06/2015 16:37

My dd, in year 8, was in a lesson at school today when a boy asked to refill his water bottle, to which the teacher replied- "No, that is a lunch time activity". However, five minutes later the same teacher, while teaching, was booking his holiday and ordering furniture. My dd realized this and questioned him as to why it was fair that he is allowed to book holidays but they are not allowed to fill up their water, both of which are lunchtime activities. The teacher then shouted at her and told her she embarrassed him and asked to see her after class.
My dd promptly burst into tears as she is normally impeccably behaved and in her entire school career has only been in trouble once, the whole class went silent. After class the teacher told her what she had said was wrong and cheeky, but that he would let it go this time as it is completely abnormal behaviour for her. On the one hand I agree with her teacher that she was being cheeky in pointing this out, but then again I see her point. So was my dd being unreasonable? Is there any way she could have pointed this out without being "cheeky"?

OP posts:
Fromparistoberlin73 · 22/06/2015 21:54

Haha your dd will go far ! Cheeky sof

namechangefortoday543 · 22/06/2015 22:01

That's quite a balanced post Lovely

OP reading the thread your DDs and your reactions seem worrying.
You describe her as "impeccably behaved" "gets top marks""highly ambitious" and "bottling up her emotions"

I have one of those, she puts huge pressure on herself to be perfect and its not healthy .
I mean this in the kindest way- allow her get things wrong sometimes and tell her its ok, discuss that its not the greatest idea to be cheeky to her teacher but we all make mistakes and so do teachers !

TheReluctantCountess · 22/06/2015 22:06

Coughing to get the teacher's attention is rude. Could she not have used his name?

elderflowerlemonade · 22/06/2015 22:07

I think excuse me is politer but don't see an issue with a discreet cough as long as it isn't a delores umbridge 'hem hem'!

Gdydgkyk · 22/06/2015 23:01

I agree with hackmum too.

Some people have made your DD into some kind of villain. She sounds just like my DS. Hard working, able, often placed next to the naughty kids as a calming influence.

Yarp · 23/06/2015 06:25

I am amazed you 'know' all this OP.

CamelHump · 23/06/2015 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JessieMcJessie · 23/06/2015 06:44

However, she is also highly ambitious so anything that she perceives may effect her schooling upsets her immensely,though generally she is emotionally resilient

The teacher looking at the internet during the lesson when she was not tryoing to get him to clarify anything and was getting on with her work was NOT going to "effect [sic] her schooling".

However pissing off a teacher by calling him out in class in front of all the other pupils is not likely to endear her to him and may well damage their teacher/pupil relationship.

It sounds to me as if your daughter is entitled and precious and you are encouraging her in this, when you might do better to help her develop better judgment about when, where and how to voice her concerns. She is certainly not displaying any talent for diplomacy. "Stand up for the voiceless" -in a secondary school classroom!? What a load of sanctimonious bollocks.

CamelHump · 23/06/2015 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 23/06/2015 06:53

The teacher called her 'cheeky' because he was caught out doing something he shouldnt have been doing.

'Cheeky' doesnt mean anything. It is a nasty, weak little word used by adults against children to tell them off when they havent actually done anything wrong.

What it means is 'I dont like what you did but you didnt do anything wrong'

saintlyjimjams · 23/06/2015 07:00

The teacher should have said 'fair cop giv' if he didn't want the outrage of a bunch of 12 & 13 year olds aimed at him. Ds2 also year 8 would be outraged, in the way only a young teen can be by this sort or unjustness. He'd possibly have done the same. I would have explained that a) he was right, the teacher was in the wrong but b) at school you have to play the game - which unfortunately means learning when to keep your mouth shut.

SoupDragon · 23/06/2015 07:02

The teacher called her cheeky because she was rude.

It is a nasty, weak little word used by adults against children to tell them off when they havent actually done anything wrong.

How ridiculous.

nooka · 23/06/2015 07:03

I can totally imagine my dd getting into this sort of situation. She is 14 so a little older, but also very driven, has a strong sense of justice and can be a bit righteous at times. I think she is fantastic.

However if she was recounting an incident like this to me I would be telling her that the teachers reaction was somewhat predictable and that she went about things in totally the wrong way. It is not her job to police her teachers and will cause her all sorts of problems in future.

She was rude and she embarrassed her teacher, and she almost certainly meant to do so because she thought he was in the wrong. No one likes being publicly called out for being in the wrong, and if she is in a class of trouble makers then she needs to know that she has effectively given them a gift by undermining her teacher's authority, and that that is way more likely to affect her learning than his browsing online for five minutes.

If there is a problem then talking to her teacher after class - 'sir, did you know that my table can see your screen?' is fine, she could probably even get away with 'did you book a nice holiday sir?' if there are bigger issues then absolutely raising them with your support to the right authority is the way to go.

grapejuicerocks · 23/06/2015 07:04

No she isn't a villain. She made an error of judgement and now realises it herself, which is why she's been upset all night.

Sympathise op, but help her learn that if you want to challenge authority, you do it appropriately.

In other words she ballsed up but help her learn from her mistake.

Yarp · 23/06/2015 07:04

Good post nooka

And CamelHump

SoupDragon · 23/06/2015 07:05

If there is a problem then talking to her teacher after class - 'sir, did you know that my table can see your screen?' is fine, she could probably even get away with 'did you book a nice holiday sir?' if there are bigger issues then absolutely raising them with your support to the right authority is the way to go.

Absolutely!

grapejuicerocks · 23/06/2015 07:08

I don't think the op will explain it to her camel as the op still believes her dd to be in the right.

CamelHump · 23/06/2015 07:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ijustlovecake · 23/06/2015 07:40

I admire your DD's courage and boldness Grin. Was she cheeky? yes but with good reason. However, use this opportunity to teach her how to challenge authority in a more appropriate way.

Iggi999 · 23/06/2015 07:54

The student did not raise this with the teacher because her work was suffering from his mental absence: she raised it because she thought it was a direct counterpart to a denied request for a child to leave the room to fill a water bottle, which it isn't.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 23/06/2015 08:36

What's crazy about some of these posts is that the PPs seem to think that an 8 year should should be capable of better judgement and discretion than a teacher.
The teacher should not be booking holidays in class time, ignoring kids who are asking questions and generally not doing his job.
Yet PPs are expecting an 8 year old to understand the implications of a teacher doing personal tasks during lesson time and taking that into account with her comments.
OP - your DD was brave to do this. As far as I am concerned it is OK to challenge authority when they are so clearly out of of order.
I would also be speaking to the school about this teacher. It's nearly the end of the school years so the potential repercussions for your daughter are minimal but you could help the next year's class get some of his attention and some actual teaching.

elderflowerlemonade · 23/06/2015 08:38

She's year 8, not age 8.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 23/06/2015 08:44

Ahhh - slighty different then, but not much. I still think everybody has the right to stand up to something that is wrong and unfair.

MrsCaptainReynolds · 23/06/2015 08:57

I think there is a rite of passage here...as children grow they realise that their teachers and other authority figures are flawed. The mature ones notice this first. Your daughter questioned his hypocrisy. I actually don't think it was unreasonable to point this out. An emotionally aware teacher might have taken a mea culpa stance and perhaps suggested a more diplomatic way to approach for future reference.

Teenagers go through a stage of righteous indignation at perceived wrongs, pragmatism and diplomacy develope later and with experience. A good teacher would realise this and have some understanding.

When I was about 13 I was in a maths class where any talking was absolutely frowned on. A kid behind me wanted my rubber and kept "pssst!"ing and whispering. To maintain the peace I passed it over my shoulder. Not exactly crime of the century, but my teacher came over (percieving that I'd somehow disturbed the peace) picked up my desk and made me work in the corridor for the rest of the lesson. At the end she told me to carry it back in. I had been seething with humilation and the injustice and said, "no, you carried it out, and for no good reason". She gave me a fair enough look and I walked off. It wasn't brought up again. If she'd reacted badly it would have just given me even less faith in her...

19lottie82 · 23/06/2015 09:01

I think it was cheeky. The teacher is an adult, and she is a child.

Will she speak to her boss like that once she is in a job? If so she's likely to get sacked, quickly.