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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To put dd 7m into nursery so I can go to the gym?

785 replies

Vijac · 22/06/2015 11:00

I've just started putting her in for an hour two times a week. The first sessions were ok but today at her 4th session her face just crumpled when I said goodbye which wrenched my heart :(. She obviously realised I was leaving her. Am I mean putting her in just so I can go the gym. I just want to get fit and lose some weight finally. Will I damage her according to attachment parenting? Thanks.

OP posts:
Bambambini · 26/06/2015 00:30

I joined a gentle parenting FB group. Very judgemental and follow the mantra no matter what or you are a failing and bad parent damaging/ abusing your kids. They seem to spend a lot of their time worrying and crying ( and I mean this literally) over the children of lesser parents (probably most of us). I really need to leave but find it strangely if frustratingly fascinating.

CrystalMcPistol · 26/06/2015 00:35

Isn't it ironic that so called gentle parenting advocates can be the source of such judgement and disapproval. Doesn't quite chime with the ethos!

Singsongsung · 26/06/2015 03:36

Writer- our parenting is shared. If I am out dh is in vice versa. I'm not sure what's difficult to understand about that and why you are desperately trying to find a flaw in my approach.
Re resilient kids, we're talking about a 7 month old baby. Nurture is what matters at that age, not independence. My dd1 didn't go to nursery at all yet skipped into school and has never once had a wobble about going to school. I have watched at the school gate plenty of children who went to nursery/regularly have babysitters etc sobbing their eyes out in a morning.

TheHumourlessHarpy · 26/06/2015 06:32

This reply has been deleted

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Whathaveilost · 26/06/2015 10:32

Maybe this is what the OP needs?
Where are you OP anyway?

theshuttle.org.uk/buggy-buddies-get-fit-councils-help/

OnlyLovers · 26/06/2015 16:25

As a parent I do admit to striving to do what's best for my children, over and above what's always best for me.

I do think that those who are at home full time are getting it right.

I genuinely don't understand why anyone would choose to spend more time than necessary away from their young children.

Sing, your comments are just about the most passive-aggressive, nastiest things I've read in a long time.

Thank fuck most people seem to be ignoring them.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 26/06/2015 18:23

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keeptothewhiteline · 26/06/2015 19:13

She's just a nob.

Lovely.

PiperChapstick · 26/06/2015 19:23

Good for you OP. My DD is in nursery 3 days a week and now and again I take one of those days of work to gym/swim and then generally do fuck all. It does wonders for my mental health to have a "me day" every now and again!

NinkyNonkers · 26/06/2015 19:31

To be fair, don't join a gentle parenting group if it isn't your bag. If you parent anything other than mainstream it can feel hard at times, so people seek out like minded others to vent at in a 'safe space'. Easier on the blood pressure to leave others to it. :wink:

NinkyNonkers · 26/06/2015 19:32

Fail
Wink

ScrumpyBetty · 26/06/2015 19:39

Sorry but I agree with Sharon

I don't think Sing is taking a blind bit of notice of what anyone else says, or taking time to reflect on all of the posts and the fact that although she chooses to stay at home and forgo all leisure pursuits and social pursuits it doesn't make it wrong for others mothers to choose not to do this

Sing why are you absolutely unable to realise that although you parented one way and it was the right way for you, it may not be right for others? Why are you so dogmatic that yours is the One True Way? For me, it reeks of insecurity.

Seriously, take time to read some of the posts here, some are very eloquent. Take time to realise that there are many ways to parent and many ways to raise happy kids.

momieplum · 26/06/2015 20:41

I thought that all the studies now show that it is better for children not to go to nursery until at least 3. The reason for that is that at around 3 children have started to understand time so they understand their mother (or father) saying they'll see them in x hours. Before 3 they don't and so therefore feel anxiety and that anxiety begins to show up late in life. (I have written this so many times .. I am sorry - but the same convos come up time and time over!). I have never ever found a study or finding which said that nursery is better. The studies in Europe I thought focused on a particular group - children with family problems. Anyway - women have fought for a right to choose and at the moment we do and long may that last. All of SAH, "attachment", nursery are valid child care choices. OP, I would say follow your heart! If you don't want to see your baby cry, then don't, and find another way to get fit when your baby is asleep or playing (like an exercise bike?) or whatever. Many women do the attachment thing just because it feels natural and they find it lovely, lovely, lovely. Lots of people have to work but enjoy their time with their children. Lots of people want to work/have time away to go to the gym and enjoy that too.

TalkinPeace · 26/06/2015 20:50

define "nursery"
as against "creche"
or "childminder"
or extended family with a dozen cousins
or granny with a stack of kids whose mums are at work

define "better"

"attachment" - such a distorted thing nowadays.

My mother is utterly non maternal - but I am still programmed to watch out for her now she is old
My sister is non maternal but her kids are devoted to her and she them, but in a rather random manner

the most famous "attachment parent" recently rather bollocksed the whole thing up after all

PS I do not have to work. I choose to work.
I had a life before my kids.
I'll have a life when they leave home.
I am an accountant and a mother, not just either

5madthings · 26/06/2015 20:59

Who is the attachment parent that bollocks things up?

Op go, your dd will learn that you cone back, I haven't out them in nursery when little, our gym doesn't have one. Bit I leave them with dh, and yes they may cry but they are safe and looked after and you cone back and the break means you can be better parent.

I think it's really important to prioritise your own mental and physical health, I have always been an attachment type parent, slings, Co sleeping etc bit after Ds4 I got post natal psychosis and was hospitalised, I beat myself up for a long time about his first year as it's all a blur, it was a shit time. Bit what I learnt and my cpn said to me was you don't have to be a perfect parent, no one is. You have to be good enough. And to do that you need to look after yourself as well. My eldest is almost 16, my youngest is 4, I hve spent ten years of my life bfeeding, and16 looking after my kids but as they have got older I have realised how I need to put me first sometimes, I am sure part if the reason I got ill after Ds4 was through burn out. So now I go running, I go swimming, I go to book club, I make time for things I enjoy. It's good for me and it's good for my children, you are not just mummy, you are a person.

StarsInTheNightSky · 26/06/2015 21:01

I fall into the camp of not being able to fathom why anyone would want to spend a single moment away from their child, let alone a moment longer than they have to, but I 100% accept that everyone parents differently and I don't thing there is a right or a wrong, outside of abuse/neglect obviously.
I left my successful and relatively high profile (in my field) globetrotting career to be a sahm, and despite the fact that I loved my job, I've never been happier and I have zero desire to return to work. Well, actually I do sort of work, we emigrated and own a ranch now. I am probably quite a stereotypical attachment parent, but that is what works and feels right for our family, YANBU, the way you parent is your business, do want works for you and your family. Horses for courses and all that. Smile

TalkinPeace · 26/06/2015 21:03

5mad
La Geldof

Stars
Are your kids teenagers yet?

FWIW I always assumed I'd return to work full time but could not face it.
But I have worked - at least a bit - every month of their lives (17 years)

Singsongsung · 26/06/2015 21:04

I am in no way insecure. I am in no way aggressive (passive or otherwise). I have however been subjected to a huge amount of aggression from others without any justification whatsoever.
I am expressing my opinion, based on my experience. I am answering the questions put to me honestly and truthfully.
I think the truth is that the insecurity lies very much with those who feel the need to call me a "nob" because I choose to invest as much of my time as I possibly can with my children. It hardly makes me the devil incarnate does it.

StarsInTheNightSky · 26/06/2015 21:10

Talkin two of them would be, if they were alive, but no, my only living child isn't a teenager yet. Not sure why you ask that? Fully prepared to admit that when he's a teenage I'll probably be wanting to spend a lot of time award from him, if he is even a tenth as much of a nightmare as I was as a teen! Grin

LadyPlumpington · 26/06/2015 21:11

I was thinking of this thread this evening as I battled to put my DC (4yo and 2.11) to bed on my own.

They sleep in separate rooms because we've tried it the other way and it was chaos. The evening starts in DS2's room, where I read 'his' stories. DS1 is also there because, well, try keeping him away. This stage does not last long because DS1 winds up DS2 and vice versa. DS1 is also sometimes often aggressive towards DS2 and DS2 gets scared, so it's best to separate them if we can.

So DS1 and I go to his room, leaving DS2 wailing on his own (sometimes). I read to DS1 for 5 minutes bfore breaking and going in to soothe DS2. DS1 often cries when I leave him. DS2 cries when I leave him again. If I kept them in the same room they would both be happy for a brief spell until DS1 got overexcited and hit DS2 but they wouldn't go to sleep until gone 10 and that is just too late.

In summary, I can't physically manage a system in my house where one child or the other is NOT left crying when one adult has to do bedtime. Can't do it. If any of the 'never-criers' have any suggestions for me I'd be interested to hear their thoughts.

TalkinPeace · 26/06/2015 21:14

Nightsky
You've obviously had a bucket load of stress in the past
BUT
the reason I ask is that the kids who turn into the best teens among my friends and DCs friends are definitely those who knew they were loved but also knew they were not the centre of the world

when the little toerags want cars you know where the limits of "being there for them" lie Grin

StarsInTheNightSky · 26/06/2015 21:24

Talkin completely agree on that front (the centre of the world that is!) The reason I started doing sling wearing as that it is easier to put DS on my back and the crack on with stuff, whilst keeping him close, knowing he's OK. Where we live is so extremely remote that there aren't any childminders/nurseries/towns or anything like that anyway. He is the centre of my world, but he does appreciate that he doesn't always get my attention, sometimes there are other things which need doing.
Ahh the joys which lay ahead! He can have a horse instead, we have plenty of those Grin. Or perhaps I can roll out the "in my day.." line and get away with a mule instead Grin.

ScrumpyBetty · 26/06/2015 21:34

Singsong the reason people are saying you are insecure is because you have fallen into the trap of believing that the choices a woman makes tells us about her worth as a mother and person and therefore you are fighting fiercely to justify your personal choices and belittling anyone who parents differently to you, e.g saying things like 'young children belong at home with their mother'

But motherhood is not a zero sum game with a limited amount of child happiness, parental success, and personal self-worth to be doled out among the mothers of the world. It’s not an “I win; she loses” world. Two women making opposite choices can BOTH raise happy children … or not. Two women making opposite choices can both point to the same parenting success … or not. Two women making opposite choices can both be proud of what they have done … so long as they aren’t always judging themselves by what others are doing.

BoffinMum · 26/06/2015 21:37

Momie, 'all the studies' disagree on when it is 'best' to send a child to childcare, because it depends on:

Parenting
Quality of childcare
Length of day
Child's disposition
Adult/child ratios

and many other things besides.

The majority of studies into this are Scandinavian (children who have been in full-time childcare have enhanced abilities to make good friends amongst their peer group, even years later); US (children from low income homes do better educationally and socially if they attend high quality daycare), and the UK (same findings as US with some findings about children from low income families who attend poor quality childcare settings being nervous about when they will be next fed, being left to cry too much etc). Research focuses on different things depending on the political priority of any particular country at any given time. In World War II, for example, their were suspiciously few studies on the suitability of creches for ammunition factory workers, but by the 1950/1960s, when they did not need women in the workplace so much, and state nurseries had all but closed, suddenly we started getting studies on attachment theory and so on.

In other words, suitability of childcare depends on a number of complex factors that vary greatly from family to family and child to child, and are located in history/politics.

However there is a general and pretty enduring view in the many and various studies that if kids aren't out of the house at a group a few times a week by the age of about three, getting to know how the world works and how to interact with other people, then this is not a great idea, and parents ought to look out some provision so their kids can expand their horizons a bit. However, it is a rare parent that plonks their toddler in a bouncer or on the sofa in front of the TV all day at the age of three, never going out or interacting much. The children of such parents do feature in reports are they are behind in speech when they start school, etc. They tend to crop up particularly noticeably in deprived areas, for example coastal towns (I am thinking of a recent study that looked at kids in Norfolk, for example).

In terms of what is important for the average MNetter, it's really quite straightforward. Parents should do what's best for their family without fretting endlessly about the minor details. No child is going to be damaged by being in a perfectly normal play facility with trained people and colourful posters on the walls and fluffy toys all over the place for two hours a week with other kids, waiting for mum to come back.

Seriously.

Singsongsung · 26/06/2015 21:37

Scrumpy- who are you quoting there because you aren't quoting me. I've already stated that my dh was the main childcare provider for dd1 before she started school.

I do think that it is better to keep nursery to a minimum yes. That doesn't make me a "nob". There is a huge amount of research which makes the same assertion- perhaps the researchers are all "nobs" too?