To think less of my friend? (And to ask what puts you off a person)

[MonkeyPJs]

I have been friends with a woman for a while now, but recently, while in a cafe, she was awful to the wait staff after the service was a little slow (it was busy) talking to them like they were sub-human, and being rude and demanding. It was embarrassing! Ever since then I've thought less of her, and now not so sure I want to be close friends with someone who can be so unkind to others. She's always been nice to me, though.

AIBU to think less of her because of this one event? She wasn't having a bad day to my knowledge, and was perfectly pleasant to me both before and after talking to the waitress - as if nothing were wrong.

If IANBU, is there anything else that makes you think less of someone like this?

good point shadow - and the HP thing was a bit tongue in cheek, as were many other posts I suspect.

I used to know a man through work with many wonderful qualities who was unbelievably demanding, judgemental and picky when it came to restaurants and hotels. I had the opportunity to go and work for him but I refused on the grounds that he was clearly the world's scariest boss. He has gone on to huge success but a mutual friend confirmed that he would sack people without a second thought for the most minor of offences, especially when not restrained by uk law.

A more obvious red flag was the boss who was a flagrant racist and homophobe. He left and invited me to go with him to his new company - total no brainer. Apart from anything else I knew full well that when I was out of the room he was being just as sexist as he was racist and homophobic when I was there (no time to go through the details of "why didn't you challenge." I did, a bit, but should have done more).

On a personal level, whilst I have had very nice friends/acquaintances who are unrepentant adult smokers, it signals such a huge gulf in our attitude to life that it's always going to be a bit of a barrier between us.

DH thinks it is envy at the root of it. She has a tendency to want to be the 'Queen bee', the one with the nicest house, the best car etc. (She has both those things) We were not invited to her Ds's birthday last week, when it is something we would have been. Texts are going ignored etc.

I do feel a bit hurt, even though I am shrugging it off. I keep telling myself my first responsibility is to DS. My former friend's DS is a fabulous little kid, bright, popular, sporty. He will thrive anywhere. DS will not... he finds general life hard enough.

Sorry, that was in response to CamelHump. :)

just intolerance - though looking at this thread, this would suggest I think less of a number of posters

(Though I suspect some comments are humorous]

just intolerance - though looking at this thread, this would suggest I think less of a number of posters

(Though I suspect some comments are humorous]

just intolerance - though looking at this thread, this would suggest I think less of a number of posters

(Though I suspect some comments are humorous]

just intolerance - though looking at this thread, this would suggest I think less of a number of posters

(Though I suspect some comments are humorous]

just intolerance - though looking at this thread, this would suggest I think less of a number of posters

(Though I suspect some comments are humorous]

Oops - sorry about that - I blame my Apple product

Lack of basic manners puts me off people, I have a friend I will no longer meet for lunch because I find her constant complaining to waiting staff excruiciating.
People who go on and on about their latest phone/gadget, my eyes glaze over.
Neglect and cruelty to pets, I hate it when people moan about the dog/cat having fleas/puppies/kittens/worms like it's the animal's fault. Try being responsible and looking after it properly.
Finding people strange because they are different to you. I've got a friend who always bangs on about intolerance, but calls people weird because they don't like coffee/watching films/red wine/etc. We are still good friends, but it does put me off a bit.
Bitchy comments. A work colleague always has a little snipey comment to make about everyone, I avoid her like the plague.

People who keep repeating themselves. Aridane

my heart always breaks for people when they can't be as rude about other human beings as they please without someone pointing out their rudeness/racism/sexism/other nonsense.

Brilliant. In future (my parents have some agonisingly non-PC friends) I'm going to adopt this tone in response

My boundaries are a lot harder these days. I refused to make friends with a friend-of-a-friend because, the first and only time we met, she turned every comment into a mini-drama about how tough her life is. I don't care if she was only trying to empathise - she failed! She's all grown up now, it's not my job to nurture her people skills.

Lots of the things on the first page of posts go for me, too. But I don't really give a shit if people's domestic standards, dietary foibles or entertainment choices don't gel with mine.
Each to their own.

Grape, asked what puts us off a person/makes us think less of someone - religious belief is up there for a fair few of us, not at all because we think you will just try and convert us (most of us were raised religious, and managed to escape), but because we think you are lacking in sense if you can believe there is a dude in the sky, when all evidence says it is pretty unlikely. He/she/it is certainly not worthy of worship at any rate, considering the state of things. So if you are so lacking in sense about this, I'd wonder what else you were ridiculous about. Just think I would have much more in common with atheists than believers.

Well, that 'dude in the sky' has been worshipped by billions for over 2000 years and has transformed the lives of some in ways which science could never explain. Bit odd that you couldn't see the wonder in that.

The one trait I most despise in me is being judgemental and I have an internal struggle with myself most days. I know it comes from childhood, always hearing adults make sweeping statements about all sorts and me growing up to believe that if you didn't have a strong opinion on stuff, you simply weren't an intelligent enough person. Now in my mid 40s, I see most things as being 'relative' and 'changeable', (apart of course from what I consider to be what makes a basic good human being - not deliberately hurting others, particularly those who are vulnerable and animals, racism, etc) and wish i had been freer from my prejudices at a younger age. It's a waste of time and feel I have missed out being so bloody self righteous and judgemental about others.

Anyone who freaks out & looks uncomfortable when ds1 (severely disabled) looks at them. I just find people who are uncomfortable around disability pretty pathetic. Lost maybe 2 close, long term friends for that reason.

HaveIGotViewsForYou a friend pissed me off after reading a Dawkins book and becoming very very irritating and hardline on atheism for a while (we were on a trip together, it was shit - I couldn't escape and she wouldn't shut up).

I'd lean more toward agnostic than atheist, because I think Dawkins style atheism boils down to assuring yourself that you can know the unknowable. I tend to like people I can debate this kind of stuff with. I think there's a difference between religious people who believe in dogma because it's what they've grown up with/been taught/just 'feel' and people who are interested in religions as philosophies - rules for being a good human. I fecking love philosophy as much as I love science.

So, I suppose I'm saying unthinking religiosity sometimes makes me slightly side-eye people, but debating theology and philosophy and the search for meaning makes people in general awesome IMO.

I'm atheist but people who are obsessed at putting down religion make my teeth itch. I'm sure they do it because they think spouting Dawkins makes them terribly clever. It just makes them sound arrogant (funny that). I don't think I could spend much time around someone who was a militant atheist (luckily none of my friends are, although I have to skim over some facebook shares with a tingle in my teeth).

Very true, ThisWeeHouse, very true, very true

Thank you, Pandarific and Saintly, for your good will toward religious people. I am Christian and it is disturbing to think some would strike me off as a friend simply for my faith. I understand that works the other way as well.

There are many scientists, founders of modern science as well as in the present day, who were/are people of faith, including the major famed scientists of the past. People of faith are not stupid or deluded or ignorant of science or evolution. The quotes that bounce around on the internet implying that Kepler, Copernicus, and Galileo became atheists because of their discoveries and because of opposition from church leaders are misleading. They all remained devout Christians, knowing that the few biblical references to the sun standing still were not literal expressions, but utilizing the language of appearances that we still use today, i.e. the sun rose, the sun set. The heliocentric theory and other discoveries were not a blow to their faith at all. Their works and books are full of Christian professions of faith throughout and they did not see a discord between faith and science. There have been many advancements in science through scientists and mathematicians from other faith traditions as well (and atheists and agnostics.)

I can also see your side and why you are agnostic or atheist. I can understand it and appreciate and respect that.

You both sound thoughtful, intelligent, and kind. Great "friend" material!!

Want to add that there are many obnoxious religious people around, and they are very vocal and know-it-all judgmental jerks. I can't blame people for wanting to steer clear of them!

I love churches tbh & religious ceremonies and I'd like to belong to a church - I just have this sticking point of being unable to believe in God I'm happy to be wrong though, so maybe that makes me agnostic rather than atheist.

But gawd people droning on about how clever they are because they don't believe in God? :shudder:

This was timely - one of my longest-standing friends has started posting Britain First anti-Muslim stuff on their Facebook. I'm a lefty liberal. I have checked with them and, yes, they support Britain First.

What to do? I'm ferociously opposed to right-wing, fear/hate based politics. I know this friend and I share a lot of core values but, it's now clear, couldn't be further apart in our views on how to support those values. Just for now, I've demoted the friend to 'acquaintances' and unfollowed them. But, argh!