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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think less of my friend? (And to ask what puts you off a person)

449 replies

MonkeyPJs · 19/06/2015 10:46

I have been friends with a woman for a while now, but recently, while in a cafe, she was awful to the wait staff after the service was a little slow (it was busy) talking to them like they were sub-human, and being rude and demanding. It was embarrassing! Ever since then I've thought less of her, and now not so sure I want to be close friends with someone who can be so unkind to others. She's always been nice to me, though.

AIBU to think less of her because of this one event? She wasn't having a bad day to my knowledge, and was perfectly pleasant to me both before and after talking to the waitress - as if nothing were wrong.

If IANBU, is there anything else that makes you think less of someone like this?

OP posts:
purdiepie · 20/06/2015 18:57

Now, now, Sunny, you wouldn't be admitting to goading me, would you? Wink

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/06/2015 19:02

Grin perish the thought

PooSweats84 · 20/06/2015 19:15

I have a very flaky friend who always cries off at the exact moment we're due to meet up if I'm lucky, or half an hour to an hour later. When we do on the rare occasion actually manage to meet, she slags off her flaky friend who is always arranging to meet up with her and the cancels at the last minute! She also always turns a conversation back to how her life is so much harder than mine like it's some sort of competition.

CheesyDibbles · 20/06/2015 19:25

My judgement of anyone spouting half the ridiculous, petty nonsense on this thread would plummet.

I know someone who told me that she would be 'disappointed' in any of her friends who had tattoos. She also 'despises' people who read Harry Potter.

Tolerance is a Good Thing.

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/06/2015 19:30

I know tolerance is a good thing, but if someone holds their knife and fork as you would a pen, it does grate, I cannot help it i was brought up by the daughter of Hyacinth Bucket.

Goshthatsspicy · 20/06/2015 19:37

I would imagine 'Hyacinth' would hold hers as a pen too. Poor love tried very hard to appear refined Grin

SunnyBaudelaire · 20/06/2015 19:41

Grin probably

Marylou2 · 20/06/2015 19:55

Antisemitism
Homophobia
Violence towards children or animals
Fussy Eaters
Poor personal hygiene
People who can keep a secret...very irritating.

CheesyDibbles · 20/06/2015 19:59

Well, if someone is kind, tolerant and has a good sense of humour I couldn't care less what type of phone they have, what books they read, what name their kid has ... or how they hold their knife and fork.

purdiepie · 20/06/2015 20:38

Tolerance: the most overrated virtue since political correctness was invented.

LashesandLipstick · 20/06/2015 20:42

Purdie, that sounds like the defensive words of a reactionary right wing bigot!

LashesandLipstick · 20/06/2015 20:42

Those sound*

Signlake · 20/06/2015 20:48

Being rude to service staff always makes me lower my opinion of a person. I can't stand it

prorsum · 20/06/2015 21:06

People who whinge about PC stopping them from expressing themselves.

People, particularly those who call themselves, left wing or socialist, who live in multicultural areas for the 'wonderful diversity' but move to a less diverse part of the borough, or rent their houses out for 2 years to live in the catchment area of boroughs less diverse schools.

Forced birthing brigade

People who love animals more than humans

Tories.

JassyRadlett · 20/06/2015 21:24

People who whinge about PC stopping them from expressing themselves.

Yes, my heart always breaks for people when they can't be as rude about other human beings as they please without someone pointing out their rudeness/racism/sexism/other nonsense.

PC-gone-mad (n): the arse's term for 'not being an arse'.

LashesandLipstick · 20/06/2015 21:39

Jassy yes! Whenever someone says that I automatically think they're an arse

ThisFenceIsComfy · 20/06/2015 21:50

People who claim to have OCD or similar when actually they don't. Like it's fashionable or cool to have a mental illness.

LikePirateEyeJavierDog · 21/06/2015 00:09

"Tolerance: the most overrated virtue since political correctness was invented."

Not really, since it mostly used to describe its exact opposite.

I would say "tolerance the most hilariously misused word since PC people started using to mean "compulsory opinion"

bloodyteenagers · 21/06/2015 01:44

i think less of people who have such vitriol against Apple products.

Say what you want but at least Apple support developers to produce apps that give non verbal users a voice. At least they support developers to people who want to help hearing impaired users use their devices... Shame android etc
Don't want to work with companies like crick, sensory software and assistiveware..

I also delete /go no contact
With people who are racist, disablist, who treat people like shit, and who don't believe in people having a choice over what happens to their bodies... I am consistent in these views and have also stopped contact with family.

Grapeeatingweirdo · 21/06/2015 09:43

Purdie, you're not Katie Hopkins are you?

Some of the things on here that people say would put them off a person make me a little sad to be honest.

Harry Potter: I am very partial to Harry Potter, being that I was very Young when the first book came out. I also read a lot of classics, sci fi and fantasy. Don't automatically disregard a person for reading a children's book. In my opinion, that is completely insane.

People who won't be friends with religious people...I have no words for you except to say that this shows the very intolerance and one level thinking that you are accusing the religious community of.

Religion is a massive part of one person but the next might see it as something to keep to themselves unless asked. Not all religious people are out there to make you feel bad or convert you. I have a faith but my friends are of all faiths and most have no faith at all. It's fine by me, I love them too much as people to let that get in the way. My family is comprised of some Muslims, Christians and atheists. Do you think we judge each other? No, we do not.

Things that put me off a person (but not hate them, just keep my distance:

Being discriminatory towards others based on gender, class, race, disability, intelligence etc. it blows my mind that people actually hate others based on something that is totally based on genes. It's like hating a horse for having a tail.

People who judge others for what they read or watch.

Anti feminists, the "women have all the rights now" brigade. These are usually men but I have come across some women with this view.

Men and women who cheat incessantly, why get married in the first place if you can't keep it in your trousers?

People who share memes on Facebook like "If you don't share an interest in my child then don't expect me to show an interest in your life". Bit unfair really when you've been friends for years and then they have a child they expect you to love as much as they do. Of course I love the child but it's the friend I go and see (after child's bedtime).

ShadowFire · 21/06/2015 10:38

I suppose there's two parts to this.

There's the sort of thing that would really put you off wanting any kind of friendship with a person (for me, this would include things like deliberate cruelty to others, and a disregard for the feelings and rights of others).

And then there's the sort of thing that is minor, isn't a deal breaker, but might flag up a lack of common ground that could potentially make it harder (but definitely not impossible) to establish and maintain a friendship. For instance, the Harry Potter book thing. Or even buying an iPhone. I find the notion that someone would write someone else off because of something trivial like that completely OTT and bizarre.

Mintyy · 21/06/2015 10:57

Most intelligent comment on the thread ShadowofFire.

How many people, seriously, are going to be friends with cruel, intolerant bigots? Hopefully none of us.

CornChips · 21/06/2015 11:05

Really good point Shadow.

Anyway.... musing aloud.....

A friend of mine has just started to cut me dead. The reason is that we are putting DS into a fee paying school. She is avowedly anti fee paying schools and has had a right go at me for betraying the state sector etc. She thought it wasdisgusting and used the words 'betrayal'.

So, she would say she thinks less of me for this, I guess.

Truth is, and she does not actually know this because it is not information I have revealed as yet - DS has just been diagnosed as autistic (although to be honest, it is really pretty obvious) and he is unable to cope with large classes. The local school has 35 in the class. The school we are going to has 12, and a SN-trained TA. So, different perspectives.

I am content to let the friendship go, because I thought if anyone can be so savage about a decision when they do not know or have asked the reason behind it is not someone I think could be my friend.

Two perspectives.

CamelHump · 21/06/2015 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pandarific · 21/06/2015 11:15

Anyone who uses the word 'weird' as a pejorative - not enough brains to fill a teaspoon.

Anyone who uses the phrase 'arty farty'. Ugh. Sign of a true thick person.

Those two people outside an ex pat pub talking about FITBAL AND EVERTON BEING SHIT at the top of their lungs.

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