To get really pissed off with old ladies telling me my DS 'isn't very happy' when he is crying?

[feezap]

My 9 month old DS has 'a good pair of lungs', he is also a bit of a drama queen and likes everyone to know how he's feeling, good or bad. I'm not worried by this, or being paranoid, a friend has described him as like an air raid siren going off!

I'm used to this and he rarely has a meltdown when we are out and about but today he was teething badly and I was in town about half an hour before he could have any medication. An old dear looked at him and then me and told me that he wasn't very happy. Really? Do you think I haven't noticed? Just bugger off.

PostChildren - I have already learned from MN that some mothers get very upset if someone "old" offers to hold their baby.

I think she was probably trying to empathise with you. It's better than getting tuts and eyerolls.

If it's any consolation to some of you, I'm 37 with a 7 month old baby (my first), and I LOVE people talking to him or talking to me about him. He's my favourite topic of conversation! Of course, he is usually an angel when we're out and saves his tantrums for when he's at home, so most conversations go "Oh, he's gorgeous! Isn't he good ?!" and I reply, "You should see him when we're at home!"

Also I love to chat to people in queues and to checkout operators etc, so maybe I'm an "old dear" in training.

They are trying to be kind. Difficult to find the right words for a crying child.

Starling - You are my kind of person. Talking to strangers just makes the world seem a friendlier place.
Although I would never say a baby is good, as I would be worried about getting snapped at.

It's such a shame people feel unable to talk to mothers with children for fear of giving offence. I suffered terribly from PND when DS was tiny, partly because of the lack of adult interaction during most days. When I managed to get us both out of the house, I valued every chance to talk to other adults!

I talk to strangers all the time. I do everything I can to help people with young babies too. I just hope the mean spiritedness so common on Mumsnet is not reflected in real life.

So someone (me) posts: "I used to get really upset when DD1 was very little and when she cried people would tell me she was unhappy. I had PND and found everything very hard to cope with, I took it very personally and wanted to burst into tears myself a lot of the time. I do think it can be upsetting for strangers to tell you that, if oyu are at a low ebb, as you take it to mean that you are a bad parent / you are making your child unhappy / they are criticising you etc and so on."

And the response is that I am an "antsy young darling with a snippy insular attitude".

You'll be pleased to hear my attitude got even more insular with my anxiety as I stopped leaving the house unless it was absolutely unavoidable. So bully for everyone on here who thinks I was a miserable bitch and all the rest of it.

Ignore them whirlpool
I and many others know how you feel !
Having people comment things like 'he's not happy' just isn't helpful it's irritating
Bet you wish you never posted now

Spot on morage with your post of 11.16.
You missed my point entirely SaucyJack . My point was that I don't over analyse what people say. I didn't point out the ridiculousness of describing a baby DS as a drama queen because I knew exactly what she meant- why be unfriendly and split hairs? Yet older women can make some friendly, innocuous remark and it is over analysed. No one would open their mouth if they had to think everything through first- and the world would be a poorer place.
You don't have to do more than smile and nod.

Whirlpool and maxytoe -try spending a week assuming that people are being nice and sympathetic rather than nasty and critical. It's much more likely, you know. Because people of all ages are generally kind and nice. Why would people deliberately say something unkind?

The use of 'old dear' is horrible OP.

People are just trying to-make conversation, try smiling and replying light heartedly.

and remember one day, you too will be an old dear and will take offence at being referred to one as such

My world would not be a poorer place if people did not feel the need to comment on me or mine in the supermarket.........

I'd rather be ignored. One of the nicest things about my ds getting older is that he is no longer of interest to the amateur expert passers by, he tantrumed in public for over a year longer than he ever bothered in my house because without fail there is always some nosy cunt helpful and sympathetic bystander around to indulge him.

Jesus - I am in or near that demographic (at 47). Making mental note never to make eye contact / speak or do anything to interact with parents of babies or small children.

What a sad thread. Maybe we should all go round in silence. Why do people analyse such comments in so much detail. They are just comments. I have always talked to people but now I am heading for my mid fifties I will stop. I don't want to cause offence.

The whippersnappers are a sensitive bunch these days.

A terribly sad thread teatowel. On reflection I shall just carry on, I meet lots of lovely people, of all ages, who are quite happy to pass the time of day.The miserable ones will just have to ignore me and moan on MN.

Genuinely tho, I feel the same about people analysing anything to do with babies, toddlers and parenting in such detail. I cant recall a time in my life when anyone has ever stopped me to make small talk when I haven't had an under 3 with me or been pregnant. It's like a fetish, I find it weird and intrusive maybe if walking down the street was as social before baby bumps and babies then we would all be used to it and not feel it as critism, but honestly the only time anyone would have spoken to me pre dc would be to put something right ie 'you dropped this' or 'excuse me' if I'm in the way, so when someone comments on a baby cry to me this says 'it's bothering me' and I can honestly say other peoples dc don't bother me, my heart doesn't bleed for strangers babies when they cry because I don't know them so I don't need to know the probably very simple reason they are crying (which the parent is probably aware of) or give their toddlers masses of attention for showing off in public, I would assume they would think me annoying and weird if I did. It's not an age thing.

OP, your thread title is offensive as are the other ageist and sexist remarks on this thread.

FFS -MN is supposed to be about parents supporting other parents, yet people seem determined not to empathise with mums! I have had several conversations with RL mum friends about how uncomfortable / self conscious / irritated we feel when people we don't know comment on our baby crying, even
though rationally we know they are not being nasty.
Nowhere has the OP said she doesn't think people should talk to her about her baby EVER, or that there is some sort of age limit on it, yet that is what many replies seem to have assumed she means.

I was shopping for shoes and a fathers day card last week in asda with 5yo dd and 2 1/2 week old ds last week. Many people (and actually the majority were ladies over retirement age come to think of it, but not relevant to my reaction) stopped to chat. Even though I was trying to concentrate on what we were buying and get out of there quickly before ds decided he was hungry AGAIN, I was happy to talk to them and enjoying the nice things they were saying about how cute he was, and the general small talk about his age, if dd liked being a big sister etc. HOWEVER, once he decided he was hungry and started crying, my feelings about the people who talked to us changed because suddenly they were pointing out a negative, not a positive, eg - 'someone's not very happy' or 'someone's hungry'. I have no doubt they were just making conversation or trying to sympathise.

But this is what is going through my head at the time: 'oh I can't believe he is hungry again. This feeding on demand and cluster feeding is exhausting. I've nearly finished shopping and dd is waiting, so I won't look for somewhere to bf now, I'll quickly pay for what we have and get home to feed him calmly and comfortably. Oh god though, his cry is so loud everyone in the shop must be bothered by it. They must think I am a crap mum who isn't looking after him properly. They don't know he only fed 30 min ago. Oh no, now people are commenting - I was right, the whole shop must have noticed him crying. do they think I haven't noticed? I am handling this so badly people think I haven't realised he is hungry! Perhaps other people's babies don't cry this much. That's why it is worth commenting on? How embarrassing! I am practically running to the checkout now, with dd running behind, but I need to respond politely to all these people talking to me. Aaaaaargh!"

And I am a second time mum without pnd, so imagine what is going through the head of some other mums! No one is saying don't talk to people, but surely when you don't know someone well it is best to only comment on positives, and pretend not to notice things they are likely to be self conscious about?

Oh, and there is nothing wrong with empathising that you have been there yourself with a crying baby, but most of the comments mentioned on this thread don't really say that - how does 'he's not very happy' help With that?

Evening all,

We've had a few reports about this thread and just wanted to remind everyone that we do take ageism seriously - it's listed in our Talk Guidelines, here - and we'll be deleting any posts which we feel cross the line.

We're glad to see that the OP has taken on board everyone's comments, and indeed apologised for causing any offence. We'd be even more glad if we could all steer clear of ageist remarks from here onwards.

Many thanks

"Someone saying 'ooops someone isn't very happy' is fine and shouldn't annoy anyone. Its obviously just chit chat."

It annoys me. Not the comment itself- it's inconsequential waffle by anyone's standards- but the necessary timing of it.

Surely it doesn't take a genius to figure out that out of a supermarket full of 100-odd people, the one trying to buy the first meal they've eaten in two days whilst jiggling a ten-month-old who's screaming until they're sick is the absolute last person who's going to want to stop for two minutes and pass the time with banal chit-chat?

Just really..... no. We heard it from someone on the cheese counter, we heard it from someone in the freezer section, we heard it from someone by the washing-powder aisle, and it most certainly hasn't got any funnier by the tenth time we hear it from you.

No one has ever enriched anyone's life by commenting on their baby crying in Tesco, so unless you're offering to commiserate by buying me gin..... then shut it.