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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To get really pissed off with old ladies telling me my DS 'isn't very happy' when he is crying?

259 replies

feezap · 18/06/2015 19:19

My 9 month old DS has 'a good pair of lungs', he is also a bit of a drama queen and likes everyone to know how he's feeling, good or bad. I'm not worried by this, or being paranoid, a friend has described him as like an air raid siren going off!

I'm used to this and he rarely has a meltdown when we are out and about but today he was teething badly and I was in town about half an hour before he could have any medication. An old dear looked at him and then me and told me that he wasn't very happy. Really? Do you think I haven't noticed? Just bugger off. Angry

OP posts:
spillyobeans · 20/06/2015 00:12

Mrsd - i was responding to something another poster had said.

It wouldnt bother me that much personally but it might some people so there you go!

spillyobeans · 20/06/2015 00:14

By the way, banging an arm was an example of a slight uncomfort - if someone had actually hurt themselves people would obviously say something

morage · 20/06/2015 00:20

If someone banged their arm hard enough for me to notice, I would ask if they are okay. It is natural to care about others who are hurt.

Jengnr · 20/06/2015 03:09

This reply has been deleted

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Out2pasture · 20/06/2015 04:00

Wow....it's really disheartening to read this thread. To those upset by casual nonsensical conversation, please stay indoors as it appears there are a lot of baby boomers who enjoy chatting. If you are offended by the comments of strangers and are easily angered by them I think you have other bigger issues. as a person of experience I have a lot to offer and maybe just maybe I have the answer your looking for, or pair of hands to pick up a dropped item or room in my life for a new friend. I prefer "old dear" to "mam" :).

Floisme · 20/06/2015 07:02

The correct term for unheplful, judgemental bastards is .... unhelpful, judgemental bastards. Although twats is snappier.

Age has no more relevance here than skin colour or sexual preferences.

BravingSpring · 20/06/2015 07:26

My MIL (70 for context) is the queen of these sorts of comments, to the point of telling babies they're too old for a dummy etc.

But she hates other people passing comment when she's out with her younger dgc, any perceived suggestion that she's not looking after them, and she's straight at them, and she complains for days afterwards. DD has always been tall, which leads to comments from people who think she's older than she is, who think she should be behaving differently or who from the age of barely 4 onwards wondered out loud who she wasn't at school, drove MIL nuts.

SaucyJack · 20/06/2015 07:31

Was that a joke Out2pasture? Never heard of the concept of victim blaming?

We all have a basic,human right to go about our own business in public in peace.

happylittlevegemites · 20/06/2015 07:33

Hang on .... we're all allowed to bitch and moan about daft comments when we're pregnant, but all of a sudden the baby arrives and we have to suck it up?

I live in a village and have "old dears" come up and chat all the time. Mostly they either comment on how cute my children are, or empathise on how hard it is. Which I find lovely. And, in the grips of PND, I find the contact helpful. I'd be pissed off about "she isn't very happy, is she?!?" comments too.

Mehitabel6 · 20/06/2015 07:34

You get a skewed view because the majority of people, those happy to converse with strangers, wouldn't be reading this thread or commenting. They would think it too silly to bother with.

hazeyjane · 20/06/2015 07:41

Bloody hell, what a thread!

I get a lot of comments when out with ds, I don't know why, but everyone talks to us!

Ds is disabled, and in a buggy, he can be very wary of strangers, but I always try and be friendly and explain that ds is shy of people. There is a lady who talks to us every morning on the way to the bus stop, she often remarks that ds must be cold without his coat on - and I explain that he has a tendency to overheat, so doesn't wear a coat. If he is crying she might say, 'oh he isn't very happy, whats the matter with you darling?' and I say that he is having a bad morning.

Honestly it is human interaction, its a nice thing. I have had people stop and say incredibly rude things like, 'whats wrong with him' - now that is a fair reason to be pissed off.

Floisme · 20/06/2015 07:50

The English language is rich and varied and has many words for people who do daft or annoying things. Personally I like 'arse' or sometimes 'fuckwit'. Bringing their age or shoe size into it is lazy and unnecessary; it might even make someone wonder if you're a bit of a knob.

SummerHouse · 20/06/2015 08:05

Spot on op. I used to get this a lot with my reflux baby. Ahhh he's hungry..... Yes I always keep him waiting for milk so I can carry around a screaming baby. (Internal response). Smile and nod and agree (external response). Flowers

VenusVanDamme · 20/06/2015 08:08

I quite enjoy a chit chat when with DS as mainly I just think of my DGM (passed away before any great- grandchildren) who would talk to anyone and everyone. I couldn't turn my back for a second at the shops without her having met someone else. She'd definitely have been all over DS or any other baby and I know she only meant well and it was just her way Smile

However, nephew (5 years old) is definitely in training for unhelpful comments. DS starts screaming whilst I'm sorting DN lunch (and a million other things he needs right now) and get a chorus of:

DN: Auntie X, Auntie X, AUNTIE X
Me: what?
DN: Baby's crying
Me: ConfusedConfusedConfused

MrsDumbledore · 20/06/2015 08:20

I wish I could see this thread in a parallel universe where the op hadn't mentioned the age or gender of the person who commented or called the baby a drama queen (what a shame we can't have a sense of humour about our own children without essentially being called a terrible mum!). As it is I can't work out whether people's responses to the main issue are coloured by being offended by that - would be interested to see if the same thread written differently would have inspired:
a TAAT (because dogs and babies are just the same so that really helps your point Hmm);
people saying you are inattentive to your baby because they cry;
someone suggesting a poster who who has said they had pnd tries to assume everyone is being nice for a week (why hadn't someone told the nhs it's that easy? );
And most of all countless posters being determined to read people not really liking one particular type of comment from strangers as "no stranger must speak to me ever about anything or I will be mortally offended".

Iammad · 20/06/2015 08:32

Once when husband and I was shopping an elderly lady came over and asked us "where did you get him from" regarding our young baby.
My husband said "from eBay" Grin
The lady didn't look impressed, but really!
I get comments all the time ranging from "he's a bonny baby" to "aww hasn't mummy fed you today" .
I do have to bite my tounge sometimes, and mostly its just people wanting to have a conversation with me to play with the baby.
Now your a parent it comes with the territory unfortunately sometimes.

Yarp · 20/06/2015 08:32

MrsDumbledore

I think that some of us feel that mentioning the age and gender of the person who made the comment is really really relevant, because ageism is so in-grained that it alters some people's perception and tolerance of how some old people behave and what they say. If it's not relevant, why mention it?

Deep down, these people think that elderly ladies really are old biddies who speak crap and are out to criticise all the time.

I don't see how you can't see that

It's one of the last bastions of prejudice

It would be absolutely jumped on if the OP had said the woman was black (why mention that?) or fat (why is that a relevant feature to mention?).

It's fine to be annoyed by remarks. But to assume the motivation of the person on the basis of their age is - prejudice

I am glad MNHQ commented on this

Buglife · 20/06/2015 08:44

I think the main thing that is upsetting from this thread is that a PP was explaining that in her PND and anxiety comments such as this made her actually reclusive and unable to want to leave the house with her baby, and the replies are basically 'fucking cheer up love'. The point of this thread has been lost in a haze of outrage unfortunately and a 'I don't think you should be upset, so YOU shouldn't be upset' attitude.

MrsDumbledore · 20/06/2015 08:46

Yarp - don't get me wrong, I understand entirely why people are offended by the implied ageism. My point was just that because I have recently been irritated by similar crying baby remarks myself (and my reaction was the same whatever age or gender they came from), I would have been genuinely interested in a discussion about this in which the ageism and sexism were not a factor. I wondered if the people who have been quite hard on those of us who prefer not to discuss our crying babies with strangers may have been a bit more empathetic if they hadn't been offended by the age issue from the start. I am certainly not saying they shouldn't be offended by that (although I give Op the benefit of the doubt that she just phrased her op badly).

MrsDumbledore · 20/06/2015 08:55

Buglife - I absolutely agree. You phrased what I was saying far better! I was horrified by the post who specifically directed such a comment at the poster with pnd by name.

I've been thinking about why it is so unnerving to be commented on by so many strangers, and I think it is partly because as much as people are saying they are just making conversation, it is pretty rare for a stranger to make conversation with you in the same way when you are not with a child or pregnant, so it takes a bit of getting used to and can make you feel you have suddenly become public property, and are being watched (and therefore potentially judged) much more so than you ever have before.

Yarp · 20/06/2015 08:55

MrsD

I understand

Buglife

You are right. I used to feel very exposed when mine were little. Every look and comment could be a potential threat because I was finding it so hard.
Most people do understand.

gotthemoononastick · 20/06/2015 11:05

UPDATE!! flew longhaul last night in my very comfy business class seat.Offered to hold a little baby for Mum passing by to economy until they could get settled.Also during flight when she needed to eat and use lavatory.

Lovely little child,lovely Mum.., going to meet distant grandparents for the first time.

I will continue to be who I am (albeit silver of head now) and offer help and smiles,hoping not to get too many snippy,saucy,'zipits'!.

purdiepie · 20/06/2015 12:34

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purdiepie · 20/06/2015 12:36

Moon, was it really necessary to mention what class you flew?

Mehitabel6 · 20/06/2015 12:51

I didn't report ageism in OP but I don't think it should be allowed. There would be outrage if it was 'fat ladies' etc etc but it seems old ladies is perfectly OK. Hmm