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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/06/2015 12:25

In your niece's DP's shoes I'd inform security that someone of her description is going to use her staff ID from another hospital to gain entry outside visiting hours to the maternity ward. Then I'd sit back and hopefully wait for her to be arrested Grin

Wishful80smontage · 18/06/2015 12:27

It's awful isn't it koala I know someone who was put through something similar.
When you're feeling so vulnerable anyway and someone is going out if their way to cause drama how anyone is capable I don't know :(

wickedlazy · 18/06/2015 12:27

Can dn or dp give her a ring?

Something like "hi, have you heard? Baby is a healthy boy/girl, weight is x, birth traumatic though, dn is done in, we're going to ask everyone to wait a few days, but we don't need to ask YOU not to call yet, you would have more sense! Would next monday evening suit for you to call so he/she can meet her favourite great aunt?" Great, bye!"

Wishful80smontage · 18/06/2015 12:27

Out of*

wickedlazy · 18/06/2015 12:33

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams

Shock That would be epic. But would cause an even worse shit storm lol. Op if you wanted to go nc with her, getting her arrested would be the most fantastic starting point. Grin

Koalafications · 18/06/2015 12:36

Wishful80smontage It just makes me so cross, it's unbelievably selfish.

RudeBarbandCustard · 18/06/2015 12:36

if he stands there all guns blazing to confront her (like he said he was going to). She will know that me and DH told him when she asked us not too and that will open up a world of hurt for us.

He won't need to. He just needs to make it really, really clear to the staff that no visitors will be accepted. They can do the battleaxe nurse routine on his behalf. I'm sure they're used to it and have had to do it before.

But he really needs to communicate that with the staff to make sure they're on board and fully understand the situation. Then nasty MIL can get as shitty as she likes with them, they'll handle her, and the DP doesn't need to be involved.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/06/2015 12:38

Wow - just wow I'm shocked. At our hospital you'd need a swipe card to get on the ward, but some one usually lets you though anyway. I'd report her to the Trust, and for what she did to you OP. Flowers - they are for the new mum,

Gemauve · 18/06/2015 12:39

She rang the antenatal ward and spoke to an old friend, who told her what I called for. I was livid..

Ah, the NHS and confidentiality. It's a joke, isn't it? When you hear medical researchers whining on about how hard it is to deal with the quarter million people who have objected to the NHS's latest data grab (Caredata, aka "selling all your GP records to insurance companies to make a few quid, ha ha, we can do it and you can't stop us") they should deal with their colleagues first.

marshmallowpies · 18/06/2015 12:50

MaxPepsi I was thinking of the MIL planning to attend the christening she wasn't invited to, as well. What an awful way to behave.

My SIL used an NHS pass to get in to see me outside of visiting hours but in that case she was fully welcome and it was a lovely surprise. Also, it was on Day 2 so I was a bit more 'with it' than I would have been the day before...

RudeBarbandCustard · 18/06/2015 12:54

My cousin had her FIL walk in to see her within an hour of her giving birth, while she was trying to breastfeed for the first time. This was before her own parents or anyone else had been.

Fair enough, he was happy and excited. But have a little common sense man! I think the staff should have been more strict in her case.

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 12:58

marshmallowpies

She thinks her visit will be welcome, even though her niece doesn't like her, the DP can't stand her and they have just had a long, tough night.

Update- Niece's DP said that they have told the ward sister, who has assured them that no one will get through to them without their permission. Niece has also called the SIL (her mum) and told her she is upset because MIL thinks she can come in, and her mum is on the way to see her (with SIL's permission of course). She only lives 2 mins from hospital, MIL will still be on the road. Niece has told her DP to tell the MIL in advance not to come, but he won't, he said he wants her to get all the way there and be turned away. MIL's SIL also wants to tell her not to come but DP is adamant he doesn't want her to know. He thanked us for warning him.

If they do ring ahead to tell her not to come, she will make up some crap about needing to visit that hospital for a meeting or something, and will turn up anyway.

At least when she gets there she will have to deal with the ward sister, SIL and her niece's DP.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 18/06/2015 12:58

MIL's attitude is so awful that if I were you I wouldn't care if she knew I had called them to warn them.
She needs to know that her thoughtless and arrogant attitude won't be tolerated. It doesn't matter if it upsets her, she needs to be faced with the truth.
She is probably like this because she gets away with it, so why not?

TheBookofRuth · 18/06/2015 13:02

Poor DN. Shame her DH can't just do as she asks, rather than insisting on a confrontation she clearly doesn't want.

momtothree · 18/06/2015 13:06

You did the right thing. How awful fir them to have this extra stress.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 18/06/2015 13:07

Jesus, what an absolute cow. I think that the idea of turning her away at the door is the best one. People like this need to be publicly crushed, preferably by third parties.

Meanwhile, would anyone like popcorn?

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 13:10

My Dh too thinks she should be turned away once she gets there, because it will give him ammunition when she confronts us about telling them in advance.

Why does she want to see the baby so much! She is awful to the niece and has in the past been awful to her SIL as well!

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 18/06/2015 13:12

TheBookOfRuth, it does sound like the MIL needs a healthy dose of being forced to deal with the ramifications of her behaviour. That means letting her travel all the way there and being turned away by the DN's DP and the staff nurse. If she tries to bypass the staff nurse using her NHS ID then she deserves to lose her job over this.

Not only is she abusing her position, she is also acutely dismissive of other's reasonable requests. The OP mentioned something along the lines of MIL saying "I can't be expected to wait".

For that comment alone she deserves a bit of humiliation.

acatcalledjohn · 18/06/2015 13:13

*others'

SunnyBaudelaire · 18/06/2015 13:13

oh its like that in some families isnt it? Babies being considered public property and the mothers some kind of annoying vessel?

Original poster
namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 13:17

Babies being considered public property and the mothers some kind of annoying vessel? This sums her up perfectly Sunny :(

She says she is busy this weekend and said Niece and her DP will only get annoyed with her when they ask her to visit and she can't. She thinks she is doing them a favour. I actually think they would not want her to visit at all tbh...

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 18/06/2015 13:17

but he won't, he said he wants her to get all the way there and be turned away.

Well done that man. Sounds like she needs to be put firmly in her place and this will start the ball rolling.

McKayz · 18/06/2015 13:24

I think the Niece's DP has the right idea. How dare she just think she can turn up? Even before the baby's own grandmother.

I hope you don't get much hassle but you did the right thing.

Penfold007 · 18/06/2015 13:26

Well done for giving DN and her DP the warning before your MIL swans in.

I know a woman just like your MIL, she's a volunteer at a large hospital, sits at an information desk giving directions but it means she has an NHS identity pass. She describes her self a staff, demands and sadly get special concessions.

Mitzimaybe · 18/06/2015 13:27

Well done, OP, and I hope it doesn't bring too much of a shit storm down on your head. You have absolutely done the right thing. Poor DN!

Please let us know what happens!

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