Is this MIL's finest hour?

[namechangeorimfucked]

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

I think we all know a few entitled twats, but this one surely takes the biscuit.

I actually think NPD is very common. It's just not very often diagnosed.

I think if your dh wants to go no contact you should support him. I don't think I've ever seen anyone on here say they have regretted it. It's easier, not harder. They react and you ignore.

god BreadmakerFan I'm so sorry about your 'mother'. wishing you peace and healing for that awful fracturing pain (sorry to sound so hippy but can't think how else to put it)

It's so sad you have to lie about your due date and consider changing hospitals to one less convenient just because of this one toxic person. I wish you all the best to enjoy the pregnancy. I don't have any better advice than what pps have posted from experience. I would set my stall out with clear boundaries and the absolutely clear message that if anything to the contrary happens I would go NC and she'd never see her GC again.

Hi. I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this has already been discussed, but could you (silently!) switch hospitals/midwife units and have your baby elsewhere?

OP she sounds horrendous!

I wonder though if your MIL holds as much sway at the hospital as you think she does? I think you mentioned upthread that she's admin but wears a uniform (sorry if I've got that wrong). I can't think of any senior positions in my hospital that require a uniform, it would just be business dress.

I'm just wondering if she has an over inflated idea of how important she is at work and has passed that idea on to you? In which case you may have less to worry about in terms of her gaining access or (further) information about your pregnancy and birth.

I would definitely speak to your midwife and be very clear that she is not to be allowed access or any information of any kind, and I'd also consider going to PALs regarding the previous data protection incident. It's gross misconduct and they should both be taken to disciplinary.

I disagree with Gerti only in terms of timing. I think that the sooner you start a complaint about MIL and her Data Protection co-violator, the sooner you're starting a paper trail.

Major hugs and snaps to both you and DH - DH because he's had to deal with this his whole life and you because you're on a major learning curve. I'm sorry that it has to be. It sucks, but you know you have to be smart now.

Family should be comforting, supportive. Nobody's saying it all has to be easy, but they should at least be on your side. Once you realise somebody is toxic you have to stop thinking of them as family, and start thinking of them in business terms. Think of any discomfort you face for standing up to her as an investment in saving yourself a world of grief down the line.

Do what you need to protect your family.

Congratulations, by the way!)

Thanks Meerka. Unfortunately I've been through worse than my mother and father not wanting me but obviously it has an affect.

oops yes, congrats namechanged! (if you're still around).

Actually you've put a lot of identifying detail in the thread. It might be an idea to copy the entire thread, save it then ask for it to be deleted.

Hi op, another one here with pil who behaved in abusive, bullying ways towards Dh (pil never forgave him fur not divorcing me when I turned out to be 'not as advertised'!!). You need to really know and hear that trying to appease your mil will not work. People like this raise the roof if they encounter any boundaries at all so it's generally impossible to please/appease them unless you do just what they want. You have a very special time coming up and it's likely that your mil is going to spoil it to a certain extent if you allow it. You need to man up now and be prepared to say no, go away, I'm his mother so I decide, I don't want visitors now, I don't need a break etc. Don't get into a habit of giving up your baby at a regular time each week or preferably at all. Don't go along with assumptions that you'll be giving the baby to your mil for regular baby sitting or any over nights. He's not a tourist attraction and he needs you, no one else really at the beginning. Come to terms with managing without the help your mil might have offered. If you allow her to have a place in your baby's life and then decide you can't cope, you won't be able to remove her (and yes she would legally be able to prove a strong relationship with your child then). We decided that we had seen enough of pil to take their threats of court action seriously when our dd was born and didn't allow a relationship to begin. They could only have gone to court to continue the relationship you see, not to start it.

My MIL is just awful, for her it's all about control & domination, not love.
Her relationship with my DCs was all about her being the Grandmother & not my DCs. We've been NC for 8 years, saw her once by mistake 5 years ago and she left the place screaming, in front of everybody. No concern for her GCn at all!
Her flying monkey creepy golden child younger son wrote, "My DM doesn't need your ch for her GCn anymore, she has others now!" Oh lucky them
BIL still lives with MIL & is her total puppet.
OP, your baby will come second to your MIL's narcissistic needs. You could give her a plastic doll to boss & dominate & she'd be happy as long as things looked, "right," to her.
Book yourself into another hospital & take steps now to protect yourself and your baby from her.

Frances - that's a great idea actually. Why not give MIL a plastic doll, with a note saying "here ya go, that's all you want anyway".

But then I am a meany in that respect. My favourite bit of Gone with the Wind is when Scarlett hurls that clump of dirt in Wilkerson's face saying "that's all of Tara you're ever going to get". I hate bullies.

Yes warn them. She sounds delughtful.

So did you get any flak for not going yesterday, op? I hope not for your sakes, although it would make excellent reading

OP - as others have said if your dh wants to go nc you really must support him in this. Also report the breach of confidentiality it needs to be stopped. If your mil can get colleagues to divulge info then others can too. It will also give backing to your need to exclude her from your stay in hospital. If you have raised the breach the hospital's legal department will be very wary of the consequences if she is given admittance to the ward against your wishes.

Good luck

The legal team would be thinking of the prospect of you and dh and adorable dc photographed by the press outside maternity with sad faces telling the story. Not saying for a minute that you would but that is something they would have to contemplate and how they would deal with the shitstorm that would create.

OP, I hope all went well for you yesterday. If you have decided not to update, I just want to wish you the best of luck and all happiness for your family.

I know this is an old thread but does anyone know how things went for the OP?

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Oh FFS!!!! ZOMBIE THREAD