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Original poster

Is this MIL's finest hour?

622 replies

namechangeorimfucked · 18/06/2015 11:54

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 19/06/2015 19:49

Its of some comfort that she doesn't seem to have any rights at all to the GC, but then again- she didn't have any right to try and barge in on her niece but she still did it.

Not quite - she TRIED to do it, and failed. She might well try to get access to her GC, but again she will fail.

glitteryflange · 19/06/2015 20:07

OP you don't owe her anything.

Keep your heads together and enjoy getting ready for your little baby's arrival. Bollocks to her. Let her kick, stamp, throw her tantrums.

Change hospitals. Change your number or block hers.

She is not your problem she is your DH's problem. By the sounds of it he has no issues telling her no. He sounds brilliant!

glitteryflange · 19/06/2015 20:08

All this access to the GC shit.

She's bluffing to get you to back down. Imagine her explaining the back story of that to her friends.

Exactly.

Bogeyface · 19/06/2015 20:12

Look at it this way, how is it going to look when, after you requesting she stay away at the birth and complain that she was getting your medical info via friends, that she is taking you to court for access?

Someone like her will be very keen on appearances, I very much doubt that she would want to have her image tarnished with that on top of everything else.

Its all bluster.

Noodledoodledoo · 19/06/2015 20:13

I agree with previous posters - make a formal complaint about the previous information being sought and gained without your permission. If you stay at that hospital it will raise awareness of issues and your requests should be taken very seriously.

If you want to switch hospitals it gives you a solid reason.

Trooperslane · 19/06/2015 20:16

I agree with Gerti.

And do NOT force something like a home birth/radical change of plans.

FWIW it was very difficult for anyone to get into the post natal ward I was in. Dd was born early hours of the am and it was heartbreaking for DH to walk us down and then be turned away at the front door!

Good luck op.

Less contact the better

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/06/2015 20:45

Chromosome it is, Meerka Smile.

LadyPlumpington: NOT a good idea to circulate a request for privacy wih MIL's name on it, UNLESS the OP makes a formal complaint about the confidentiality breach, AND it makes a finding of guilt AND the names of both MIL and her friend are published.

Trust me, a woman insane enough to do the things she's already done would have no hesitation in suing you for defamation. Defamation is the disgrace of English law; it spreads misery, is tilted toward bullies and only enriches the lawyers. The OP would be bankrupted defending such a case, as would the ILs in bringing it.

OP: get a harassment injunction. DIY they cost about £200. Once you have it, she will never get access.

LadyPlumpington · 19/06/2015 20:48

Much as I dislike the actual words used, Disgrace's advice sounds..... well, sound. Do that, op!

TwerkingSpinster · 19/06/2015 21:03

Here's an extreme idea. Don't put dh on the birth certificate. Claim dc is from a one night stand and therefore not mils dgc. Its extreme, but could be your ticket to freedom from her????

TattyDevine · 19/06/2015 21:38

No don't do that (Twerking's idea). Please, its a bit too far! Grin

Child might grow up and have doubts, or something, it's simply not true, and a legal doc etc.

Don't let her bring you down to that.

durhamgirl · 19/06/2015 21:41

I would follow your husband's lead on this, my dh put up with an awful lot from mil but the decision to go nc was all his, I never forced him into it so no resentment towards me. You are in a better position than I was as it's your dh who is pushing for the nc. I realise that post is a bit convoluted but hope you get my point :)

Miggsie · 19/06/2015 21:47

If your H wants to go no contact then you should respect that.
He can never heal without getting rid of her.

She'll make your lives hell forever otherwise.

Your DH has right to peace of mind.
You'll find he is a happier person - just think of all the time you'll free up - no longer talking about her, worrying about her, starting threads on mumsnet about her, ringing her, trying to keep the peace, placating her....it's all about her.

I tshould be all about your DH and being a husband and father, as long as she is in your lives he will only be her son.

I have a NPD grandmother, God, how my brother an I wish our parents had gone non-contact. That grand-mother blighted our childhoods.

Stratter5 · 19/06/2015 21:55

but then we have to worry about what FIL and the rest of the family will think (and what she might do to herself).

Take it from me, she absolutely won't do anything to herself. She might threaten it, or she might pull the 'I'm so ill/dying' card, but she won't ever do anything that will cause actual physical harm to herself. Why would she, she's the only one that matters.

maddening · 19/06/2015 22:10

would make a complaint at the hospital about both the woman who gave the info and mil for using her influence to obtain sensitive information, wrap it up with a reques to. Move hospitals but also for this to be done secretly with a request to ensure that mil cannot obtain the information or be told that it has happened. Also mention that she used her job to get transferred to this hospital when she was told you don't want her at. The birth so that she can get access anyway.

Keep all records of her harassment which will happen so you can go for the order. That pp advised.

ssd · 19/06/2015 22:24

op, I bet her work colleagues know shes a nutter, too

ResponsibleAdult · 19/06/2015 23:34

Seriously, don't underestimate the damage. We spent 15yrs believing we were doing our best.

We weren't. We failed. It was epically awful. Post nuclear. Missed weddings, christenings, stag/ hen , hospital visits, cancer tests, abdominal operation.

Kids achievements: playing county level sport, winning competitions, just hanging out, shared holidays. Shopping outings, glass of wine in the garden. All gone.

Step away. Do it low key, gently, avoid the conflict, you are gestating, but also gestate your plans to manage your mil. She is clearly entirely toxic.

Smell the coffee

ResponsibleAdult · 19/06/2015 23:52

Cross post Stratter, both mothers had a "cancer scare" about four weeks before Christmas. "You must see us only. This is my last Christmas" Every year. For 15 years.

Neither has had, or developed cancer. My OH has, but that doesn't count apparently Hmm

Our entire annual leave was dictated by their diktats. My mother drove past my door to visit a local site "interesting for research purposes", but day 2 post emcs demanded champagne and asked why I wasn't dressed at 11am (breatfeeding, toddler, f&&cking knackered would cover all that). In 16 years my kids have stayed over at my mums for 10 nights.

Don't do it, it will escalate. I can pm if you don't believe me. Preserve your family, your husband is on board, believe him xx

redshoeblueshoe · 20/06/2015 09:46

Responsible Flowers I hope you are NC now with both of them. OP I hope you DH is reading this, things will only get worse.

FunnyHowThingsWorkOut · 20/06/2015 10:42

Someone I know did not allow her MIL to video the birth of the first grandchild. The MIL did not speak to them for a year. Result.

BreadmakerFan · 20/06/2015 11:01

My mother gave me up. Didn't want me unless someone else did causing an adoption to break down. I haven't seen her for more than half my life yet she still affects me. I can't allow my child to be photographed doing anything in school and it hurts so much that this has been allowed to happen. I went mad when a pupil posted a photo of my child on line when I had been so protective.

Please do what is best for you and your baby, don't worry about her reaction. Ime it is all hot air My mother made loads of threats, broke the law but didn't want to spend a penny trying to legally get access to my kids.

Gottagetmoving · 20/06/2015 14:22

This MIL is not superhuman. If I didn't want a mil, or any one else, anywhere near me, then they wouldn't be.
It doesn't matter what she says or does, it only matters what you say and do.
Don't tell her anything. Don't tell anyone who may speak to her, anything.
You can't reason with someone like her so don't explain or warn her of anything or have any 'talks'
Be honest and blunt without long explanations if she enquires about anything. If she imposes herself on you, turn her away.
As for excuses like she was passing or going to a meeting, just respond with 'no you were not, you are trying to get your own way again so you will have to leave.'
Only see her on your terms, by invite or when she has asked you if it's ok.

Stratter5 · 20/06/2015 14:23

Yep Responsible, mines always pulled the 'bad heart' card when she doesn't get her own way. I'm immune to it now, and completely NC with both of my narc parents. Life is SO much better.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/06/2015 15:24

but then we have to worry about what FIL and the rest of the family will think (and what she might do to herself).

Remember that, in the end, we are each responsible for our own actions. How someone reacts to them is their own problem. If you decide to go NC and she kicks off, that's her problem. If the rest of the family allows her shenanigans to affect their relationship with your little family, that's their problem.

And it appears to me that FiL is very well aware of how his wife behaves and is choosing to just live with it. Yes, I accept that this isn't the 1950s and he can't 'lay down the law' to his wife. But he will always (I assume) have the ability to see his grandchild on his own. If he chooses not to do so, that's on him. Same goes for the rest of the family.

FryOneFatManic · 20/06/2015 17:17

If MIL does have NPD, then FIL highly likely to be her enabler. So, lovely as he might be, if it came down to a choice between MIL and OP/OP's DH, then he's most likely to choose MIL if OP and her DH choose to go NC.

If he were going to reign her behaviour in, he'd have done it a long time ago.

quietbatperson · 20/06/2015 17:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.