Is this MIL's finest hour?

[namechangeorimfucked]

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

That's a great suggestion Dougal!

Would you be interested in a doula OP?

OP I echo pps who've said you really have to take some action over the breach of confidentiality involving MIL and friend. I'm not going to tell you whether you should or shouldn't go NC, that's for you to decide, but what those two have done is pretty serious. They need to be stopped from doing it again. They could be handling mine or my family's confidential medical information, and I'd have no idea. Serious harm can come from breaches of confidentiality, there are people who need to be hidden for a million and one reasons. You shopping them could prevent something awful happening.

A doula is an excellent idea! At the very least do you have a close friend or relative that would be willing to 'stand guard' outside the room yet respect your privacy during your labour/delivery?

The fact that you've fudged your delivery date is a good start. But unless you lower the boom about the prior release of your medical information she may very well find out the real date via that same person.

I agree with Aspie that just saying you don't want your MIL visiting might not be enough to stop her getting in if she's as determined as she seems to be.

Yes, 'normal' visitors who ring the bell, speak to staff, even if they sit in the waiting room, they usually abide by the rules. They won't have a staff badge/uniform/presence about them that indicates they should be there for work. They're relatively easy to identify as they look a bit lost, which usually means they get picked up by staff or have to ask at the nurses station.

Your MIL, she'll use her badge/friend/blagging to get in and then (as you've said yourself) be very convincing to get into your room. She clearly won't stop at anything and just having a note on your file (which is usually at the end of your bed!) added to a busy nurses station, will probably mean she will simply waltz in. In lots of wards, the patients are listed on a board on the wall, so she could just walk in, look at that and stroll right in to your room/bay.

Unless you move hospitals and don't tell her, I'm not so sure how you'll stop her really. She doesn't seem to have any problem pretending she should be there, or indeed convincing staff to give her information she shouldn't have (which cleverly is recorded under their login, not hers). She's beyond your regular over excited MIL, she's clearly happy to lie, deceive and do whatever it takes to get the information she wants or to be where she wants.

I think having OP's mum and doula "manning the gate" would stop her.

I feel for you OP you have to make it clear from the beginning what your wishes are.

When I had DC5 my own mother was really nasty - disgusting to be having more DC etc. Anyway, I needed a section and she refused to help look after other 4 DC whilst my DH came to the hospital with me claiming she wasn't up to it. The day after I had DC5 I am lying bed bound with catheter and mother breezes in with 2 of her friends and just picks DC5 up. I was furious with her as she had made out she was too ill and couldn't help me out but had managed to go out shopping/lunching with friends. Unfortunately I have been NC ever since.

Hope things go better for you

OP similar happened with my mother who didnt even want kids of her own. Then she found out I couldnt have kids and pretty much told me she didnt know why it bothered me cause if it was her she would just get on with it. fast forward to ivf working and she had a nursery set up in her house before I had even given birth. We didnt even have two rooms in ours to give DD her own room. she spent every minute she could with us and kept snatching DD up at every opportunity and making snide comments about how DD she didnt want us but her. This went on for almost 3 years before cutting contact. Im now in therapy.

Lessen contact now OP to make it easier on youself. If she takes the huff too bad. She will likely make life difficult for you if she has contact anyway. and good luck. I didnt tell anyone when I was in labour either.

OP what does this woman bring to your life other than trouble?
How Is she going to benefit your baby.
Cut her out! Your OH doesn't even seem to care.

OP, I would suggest that your DH reads this thread, and some of the stories on stately homes, and then you have a long heart to heart. Stories like that told by lurkinghusband, might be real eye openers. I think at the moment he is still torn between doing the right thing, becasue she is his mum, and may not have grasped that this is only ever going to get worse.

People like this get WORSE, they never change for the better. They are VERY good at convincing others how lovely they are. They are cunning and can lay on the charm. They are very good at acting the injured party to gain sympathy from outsiders and try to guilt people into relenting.

You have to think about this in the context of the rest of your lives. BE STRONG now, because you will find you are in deeper than you are comfortable with later on if you do not set very rigid boundaries. If you give her an inch she will take a mile and still bitch about everything!

OP
You've had some excellent advice in this thread, and I hope some of it is useful. But my two penneth... Do not ride roughshod over your DHs suggestions to go NC or very minimal contact, or minimise the damage his mother and her behaviour has caused him.
My exDH did this while I was NC with my narc mother. Lots of 'but you only have one mother' and 'you'll regret this when she has gone' and 'we can find a way around this that isn't so extreme'.

It damaged me nearly as much as her behaviour had. At the point I realised she had been emotionally abusive, and was coming to terms with it, he undermined me and indirectly victim blamed me.

If he wants to go NC to protect your DC, and protect himself, and protect you, I cannot stress enough that it is NOT your place to suggest compromises or halfway houses. He is suggesting a hugely brave step. Respect and support him. It is the best decision he can make for your child(ren) and you both.

Just caught up with the thread and I'm honestly so grateful for the responses.

I've had a better day today but some serious things have been going through my head and I haven't been able to focus at all. In the beginning I was wary of posting about MILs antics but I'm really glad I did now after coming home to all the advice, especially after yesterday transpired like it did.

Some of the stories on the Stately Home thread are resonating with me and especially DH (he knows about this thread). I had a nice childhood but he had a very tough one because of her problems, he has one other sibling.

MIL called DH at work today to check that we were still going on Sunday, DH has told me that he said we are not going at all now, I think hes going to see his dad another time. So I don't have to worry about that anymore.

I am still very worried about how to keep her away from the maternity ward, she has a lot of influence at the hospital and so many people think nothing of telling her things/ letting her in. I also think that the picture of her home life she has painted to work colleagues has been totally from her own head- she has likely told them that everyone loves her and she doesn't have any problems at home. So I think a few people will be shocked on the ward if we tell them to please keep her away as she is a nightmare.

I love the doula idea a few people have suggested. If a third party was with us (not a family member) then it could be their job to keep her at bay and they could handle the staff as well.

DH has been considering no contact with her for quite a while and he's pushing for it even more after their argument yesterday. As I say- the only reason I feel NC would be a problem is because she is very manipulative and I suspect she would try to involve the courts in some way over access to our DC as a few people have suggested. At the moment we are having a cooling off period from her.

Its so unbelievably hard now because everything we do we have to consider what her response will be- when we are supposed to be enjoying getting ready for our DC. And I feel like she will be hanging over us in some way for the rest of our children's lives, whether we go no contact or not, we will be constantly looking over our shoulders. Its so tiring to think of a future like that.
Its of some comfort that she doesn't seem to have any rights at all to the GC (thank you to the posters who pointed this out), but then again- she didn't have any right to try and barge in on her niece but she still did it. Shes unpredictable- I think the only way to keep her away for good would be some kind of restraining order or court order to that effect, but then we have to worry about what FIL and the rest of the family will think (and what she might do to herself).

Its a situation we have been trapped in since we first got together really.

been lurking since the start but want to say - op I also have a psychopath mil which we've gone nc with and it's been far less stress/arguments ever since and this time round with my 2nd ds we've actually been able to enjoy him together!

The last memory i have of my mil is being trapped in her house with my son hearing her screaming at my dp, her entering the room and shouting at me/blaming me and then when i got up and made to leave immediately i ended up on the floor in a struggle with her and dp and she screamed and spat in my face that she was going to call police and ss... i had to literally run out of there through the garden gate and have never been there since!

Sort it out befoe the baby arrives so you can enjoy your newborn and recover.

Also sparechange thank you for your post as it made me think about comments to dp as i do get guilty and have made comments sometimes. You've made me realise this is unfair on him and i won't do it again.

Do not worry about what she might do, just be united. That is the biggest plus in your situation, so many of us have had to bang our heads against walls to get people to see how manipulative and horrid some people are. I would put in a complaint about the phone call. If the other member of staff gets in trouble tough its their own fault they shouldn't have breached confidentiality. Then bring it up at your next appointment.
Life is so much easier when you go NC, and as for PIL - its entirely up to him, he can choose to back her up, enable her or whatever he wants, but you and DH need to put yourselves and your baby first.

Data protection laws could be key to birth you want. There are severe consequences for breach of confidentiality so complain formerly now and all midwives will be super vigilant

Agreed with everything gerti said.

If you do want to go completely NC then quietly distance yourself. Don't pick up the phone to her. Ignore the flying monkeys (relatives/friends/contacts who try to intercede on her behalf). Ignore mails, set them up to go into a separate folder and never answer them.

If she turns up in person it's harder, but the basic principle is: don't let her in and tell her to go away.

If she keeps on harassing you, then there is a final resort. Inform her by recorded delivery that you want no further contact with her and that further contact will be considered Harassment. There's an excellent poster who can talk you through it, DisgracetotheYChromosome (Chromasome?)

It might be an idea to coordinate this with the niece so you both go NC together. it will -really- make it easier and strengthen your case should it come to court.

Record -everything- from now on. Absolutely every contact, every flying monkey. Should it go to court it will make your position far easier.

I'm going to be very blunt: if she is as difficult as she seems, you have absolutely no idea of how bad she is. You had a nice childhood. It's simply not possible to understand the reality of living with a highly manipulative mother who can charm everyone but be a total shit. (I'm in the odd position of having been in both positions in childhood). Your husband and your own mother both have her number. It's very hard to break the chains of expectation of a nice granny, but from all you've said, in your case it's necessary.

good luck OP, having to deal with her is one of those hard patches in life that come now and then. Take a step back and gear up for the fight. It's not what you want during your first preg, god knows, but as long as you and your husband come through as a strong unit and your baby is protected from any poisonous people, you'll be okay.

As I say- the only reason I feel NC would be a problem is because she is very manipulative and I suspect she would try to involve the courts in some way over access to our DC as a few people have suggested.

I think you need to re-read those posts, OP. No-one is saying she will be able to get access to your child via the courts. They're saying the opposite. Please follow your husband's wishes, it's his bloody mother!

I'd be tempted to distribute a letter throughout her workplace stating that you wish your medical records to remain private AND THAT THIS EMPHATICALLY INCLUDES YOUR MIL (insert her full name here). Add a warning that any unauthorised release of your data to her or anyone other than you and DH will be viewed as illegal and will be pursued to the fullest extent of the law.

That'll get them talking!

Lady

OP this makes for interesting reading:

www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/grandparents/what-are-grandparents-rights/

From my understanding while the ability to request to apply to court for contact was originally intended for grandparents where they had had a strong relationship with grandchildren that ended when a child was adopted or parents divorced to be able to stay in touch with grandchildren, it has become a way for grandparents to try to circumvent their children's decision to go NC. As the article says, courts very rarely decide against access and have a strong bias towards children's rights to have family relationships despite any disagreement/hostility between the adults, which can make it difficult to prove that a grandparent's involvement will be actively detrimental and the parents' concerns are valid! I know of one case where the decision went in favour of the grandparents despite the parents having gone NC for very good reason. Letting it get to court can sometimes be the last resort, as once the decision is made you then have to comply whether or not you agree.

If there is ever a cause or need at any time to think about logging an incident with the police it might be wise to decide in favour of doing so, and being proactive about keeping a paper trail in case you come to need evidence that this IS one of the rare cases where contact is going to be harmful.

Also interesting reading:

www.grandparents-association.org.uk/applying-and-going-to-court/is-going-to-court-the-right-step-for-all-the-family.html

Click on the DIY child arrangements order link near the foot of the page. This not only explains how grandparents can apply and self represent but also gives a dummy filled out form representing the case of a grandmother denied contact by both parents following 'family arguments' (ie parents went NC).

I went NC with my family at the start of this year. My DH's support has been invaluable. I couldn't have been so strong if he was not 100% behind me. I will always be grateful to him. Going NC has given me the breathing space I desperately need.

Can you ask cousins DH (with the new baby) to stand guard? He`d be ace!!

Me too knackard liberating isn't it!