Is this MIL's finest hour?

[namechangeorimfucked]

I've had to name change because my family members know my name on here and if they knew what she was doing all hell would break loose..

MIL is currently on her way to the hospital to visit a relative (her niece). Niece has just this morning welcomed her first baby after a very traumatic labour that has lasted days. A failed induction and many hours later, she has had an EMCS and both are apparently doing well. MIL knows about all this because her SIL has been giving her updates as she receives them from her DD and her partner. She has relayed said details to me and DH.

MIL gets on ok with her SIL but does not like her niece, she has been very judgmental all through her pg, both behind her back and to her face. As a result of this, niece and MIL fell out at a family gathering about 3 months ago.

MIL received a message from her SIL saying that the baby is here but they do not want visitors til visiting time tonight. Despite being told this, MIL is going to the hospital to see the baby... Her SIL is not even attempting to go yet and its her GC.

Niece lives in another county, MIL is on her way there now, NHS staff badge around her neck, to pop in and see the baby. She accused the niece and of being 'silly' and once she gets there she will be happy to have a visitor. She also said that she has to go now because she is busy later in the week and 'can't be expected to wait for them'

The Niece's DP is on facebook now letting everyone know things are ok. Do me and DH tell him she is coming?

We explained to her that she will not be let in if they don't want to see her and she said she 'knows her way around' and is 'practically staff'. She is expecting to see the baby before her own SIL...this is going to cause a shitstorm so big it will consume us all.

sprackenzyboiled blimey, how did you twig to what was going on? Thank god you did. I hope your children are alright and weren't affected.

Some people don't want to believe that malicious people exist, but they do

though this MIL just sounds uber controlling rather than actively malicious. Still damaging!

"There are other issues that worry me, her desire to have the baby on her own right away for example. We brought this up with her and that's where her comments about 'if I'm ever allowed to see it' come from. But she seemed to agree with our wishes"

She won't agree with your wishes though. She is only telling you that now so you won't immediately tell her she isn't seeing her DGC. She has clearly shown what she is like and capable of. Only what she wants matters, not you, not your DH, not your child. Her wants only. Don't ignore the behaviour she is showing you. You will regret it and your DC is the one that will suffer have got poison spouted in their ears for years. She won't get GPs access. Just because she works in an office for the NHS it doesn't mean she is some sort of high fucking being like she seems to think she is.

She will ruin your time with your lovely newborn if you give her an inch. Go with what your DH is telling you on this. He clearly can see her for what she is.

I disagree Lurking it was likely she was always going to be like that with DIL and very likely she'd be bad mouthing to rest of the family anyway.

Every decision my IL disliked was blamed on me regardless as to if I actually had any input into it at all.

I found it hard that my DH would get upset by his parents behaviour then forget it or dimiss it, minimised it - a united front would suddenly crumbed in face of his parents displeasure. It hard to deal with your DH reaching for compromises that don't do what we want but won't satisfy the IL or for him to minimise how hurt I was by their behaviour or how damaging to the DC.

Honestly I'm in best place I could be with mine - but it is a constant on guard bit - you think everything is ticking along nicely then suddenly out of blue game playing starts up again.

It can be exhausting it gone on for nearly two decades and have to be on the ball regarding the DC - who unlike DH now - don't see the manipulations and have to be aware of not being undermined with them and that MIL isn't bad mouthing us especially me to them. Also have to be carefully as she is very good at engineering situations where she pushes me out - while leaving me with all the work making what ever activity happen.

In contrast OP has his eye open and seems willing and able to say no to his mother and willing to minimise contact or go NC with his own mother.

When someone wont be pleased with anything you do, there isnt any point trying. Do exactly as you wish, if they are going to be horrible no matter what.

Agreed. If you are damned if you do and damned if you dont then do as you damn well please.

I also agree that you should be led by your DH in this. Its his mother and ultimately his decision on whether there is to be contact or not. As I said above, by cutting her out you only have to deal with this shit once, if you dont then you will be dealing with it over and over and over.

OP, your post at 9am resonated with me. My mother gave me away yet when she heard I had kids she got a friend to pretend to be a solicitor to demand access to my children. She knew she had rights to see them. Didn't want to see me, just the kids. DH spent £100s for us to see a solicitor and get letters sent. If she comes near me or my family she will be arrested. I'm pretty sure grandparents have no rights. Just as parents don't in divorce cases iirc. It should all be about what is best for the child. Is it in their best interests to spend time with granny.

I hope with my child, I never become the dreaded MIL for some poor man or woman. can there not be a law against the MIL? only a thought.

A law against manipulative people who don't add to your life, only detract, would be a great idea. Sadly unenforceable.

Talking of people who love the MIL, where's nananina?

Sherea82 not all MIL are like the horrors described here. I hope my SIL and DIL would agree

I adore my GC and love every minute spent with them and with their parents but I absolutely realise that they are not my children and the decisions about them are not mine to make.

Whilst I am sorry for your situation I am much more worried that this winan works in a hospital and has acess to records and patients. You seriously need to report her.

It says a lot about my relationship with my MIL that I don't actually find this thread all that shocking. If you doubt it, then you've clearly not come across anyone like this.

We have had huge huge issues over the years, one period of NC. Lately, things have been easier and I've been able to go along with all the minor crazy for the sake of an easy life. Sadly, we've just reached the point where we yet again have to have words about her behaviour because she has crossed so many lines. It is a nightmare. DH is so stressed and unhappy at having to talk to her again. She never realises how unhappy she makes everyone around her (or she does and doesn't care).

OP, well done for dealing with it. I know how hard it is, and going NC is not that easy.

I have checked with a solicitor (told you it went nuclear). GP have not rights of custody over grandchildren. They can request access if they had played a major role in the childs life before the breakdown in communication, for example childminding for the parents three days a week.

If it is not regular or sustained, no rights at all. Quite shocking, so when/if I am lucky enough to become a GP I will take Meercats advice, and know my boundaries.

I do think it's very sad when someone has to go NC with the grandparents. I also think it's very sad when decent grandparents are cut out by toxic DILs or Soninlaws.

sadly as someone put it a while ago, not everyone is nice. When those people have children, they grow up with not-nice parents.

Its the way that she makes it all about her shows that she either cannot or will not see anyone elses POV.

She went to visit her niece, even though she was not wanted.

That in itself is bad enough.

But to say that if she had not gone then they would have had to wait too long to see her, as if she cannot grasp why they were not begging her to go.

As if the most important thing is that they get to see her.

All the while letting it be known that she thinks that her niece is pathetic and silly.

That is how not in the real world she is.

She dashes off to see someone she dislikes and who does not want to see her at that point, if at all.

Yep, anyone in the family and in-law relationship can be the toxic/abusive one and GC can end up as the pawns in power plays.

Hope you had a better day today.

I think the phrase that fits this is 'begin as you mean to go along'. It's very hard to pull back when you've allowed too much. It will be much easier to start with LC with baby for your MiL. You can always 'loosen up' later if she acts appropriately. And I agree to let your DH lead. It's his mother and he knows what she's like.

Just for another viewpoint, not all MiLs are like this. My own was a dream. Never intrusive, never manipulative. Always ready to help. She jokingly told my DH early in our marriage that she would never take his side in an argument since she 'knew what side her bread was buttered on'. The 'worst' thing she ever did was to 'sneak' DS2 a bottle when we were trying to wean to a cup. Hardly a capital offense. Unfortunately, we lost her all too soon.

Above all, please don't let her spoil this precious time for you. Don't give her that power.

yes, I'm very lucky in that my MIL is a steamroller, but a gorgeous one that I'd like to wind flowers around.

She can come out with some absolute corkers ( "now your with DH you shouldn't have any male friends", "It's time for you to sell your hobby stuff, you're a wife and mother now and that should be your focus" etc).

She also babysits endlessly, genuinely loves the children and wants the best for them, is honest and kind and generous and even loves me, not the easiest of tasks sometimes :P We coudln't have gotten through the second pregnancy without her and I wanted her there at the babys' births.

Thing is, I let a lot of stuff roll off my back. But when you say Enough, that's not going to happen, she backs off. THAT's the big difference and that's why, along with her big heart, I love her.

You said saying 'No' just makes her turn the whole thing back onto you.

How would she take the opposite approach - a very vague and distracted yes to everything - and then just do the opposite? For example:

'Can I be at the hospital for the birth?' - 'huh? oh, yeah.' (then have baby without telling her until you're ready).

'Can I name the baby?' - 'hmm, yup' (then go to registry office with your own name).

'Can I keep baby at my house?' - 'course you can dear' (then barricade yourself in and call the police).

How would that go down?

Meerka - I was wondering where nananina was too. Although I think she would struggle to justify this woman's behaviour.

OP, just stopping by with two suggestions:

1 birth of your child. You need a doula, wherever you choose to do it. They quite often spend the labour keeping inappropriate people / relatives out, to give you the space to do what you need to do. It will be easier for her as she isn't emotionally invested with your MIL. Plus your MIL can crack on with hating her: it doesn't matter. I could recommend a few in London if that is any good, if not try doula.org.uk

1. Wherever you do it, don't tell her your in labour. Tell her a few weeks before you need space, and switch your phone off

3 get some counselling and assertiveness training for yourself. You sound lovely, but also non-confrontational / a people pleaser. We all need to find our big girl pants to become assertive for our own and our children's needs when we become Mums. This is urgent and important for you, to protect yourself and your child.

Good luck, we're all on your side here and it sounds like you and your DH are starting a new trend in your wider family to work together to neutralise her. Keep going!

Ok three. Do I get a month Python badge?

meercat23 I was referring to the thread of stories that are coming through. I hope I do not become like the ladies being described here. I have friends that have great relationships with their MILS and am happy they have that and not what is being discussed here. But like myself - and some others that use this discussion board as a way of offloading and looking for advice, some people are not that lucky. :)

Dougal will this do

doula

I go to sleep today having learned something I didn't know this morning. Truly life is bountiful .

DH said that it doesn't matter if she tries it because people will recognise her and if we say not to let anyone near us, even if they appear to be staff, they wont. So that stops her using the badge to get in, or to try and get in un noticed.

Please don't be convinced by this!! I work in a hospital, in an area that is only accessible by a swipe mechanism and others STILL get in and because they are inside with an ID casually swinging around their neck, no-one questions them. Of course this is wrong on so many levels but everyone is busy so everyone else assumes that they should be there and whoever let them in should have done the checking of ID,but what if that one person who lets them in doesn't know about your wishes?? It can and DOES happen.

Please please please put steps in place to ensure it does not happen otherwise you will be back here with possible PND saying how your first days were ruined by her.

Also I can not understand why you wont go with what your husband wants. If you are hoping deep down that she will suddenly become reasonable then you are mistaken. The fact that you have posted on her shows that that is NOT going to happen and again you need to take steps to protect yourself.

You are becoming a mother and your child is your responsibility 100% - if you let him/her get harmed by your MIL (physically or emotionally) after you have seen all the warning signs then I think that is pretty shocking. You really need to be thinking of your child in this and whether they could have a normal relationship with your MIL......... I suspect not.

OP - you only need to read this thread to see how the rules are not enforced on maternity units

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2404488-Hospitals-letting-families-stay-overnight-in-antenatal-wards-unreasonable