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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:

flumperoo · 14/06/2015 10:59

"Well, Cathrine's family were there." ...sounds like she thought she was intruding or wasn't as welcome as the first family.

grapejuicerocks · 14/06/2015 11:01

I would just respond that dd was very disappointed as she was expecting them to come, and that you are very disappointed on her behalf and that you are upset at all the wasted food and effort that you put in.

Original poster

CatherineU · 14/06/2015 11:06

Well if that truly was the case then she should of been grown up enough to say something. I am a very approachable and friendly person, me and dh have been together for 16 years so they know me well and usually feel comfortable to say it how it is.

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/06/2015 11:14

To be honest I centre my life around everyone else and always try to keep everyone happy

I'd think this is the time to throw a strop and make them apologise to you and your DH. What they did and are doing now is utter crap.

flumperoo · 14/06/2015 11:15

Do you think it might be worth telling them that you/your daughter are upset they didn't turn up whilst also acknowledging their feelings, so maybe saying sorry if they thought they weren't as important as your family but clarifying that it was completely unintentional and not meant like that at all?

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 11:17

So just a "little chicken salad and nibbles" for your parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, but a "huge buffet" for your Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews ... about the same number of people.

In fact that makes me even more confused. I understand from the updates that your DH's family all live close by, so just maybe (as you think) "it wasn't a big effort for them to go home and come back" but did you expect that your PIL should just wait at home for those three hours, without lunch, in order to have appetite for this huge buffet? I don't think I'd have been keen on that plan.

Having read the updates, I still think it is very likely that this has arisen because your in-laws felt offended, upset or relegated by the arrangements ... and, in the case of the grandparents ... I do understand that.

These are your husband's parents, CatherineU, and presumably he agreed with you over the arrangements you were making. Has he contacted his parents since this happened?

Lweji · 14/06/2015 11:20

did you expect that your PIL should just wait at home for those three hours, without lunch, in order to have appetite for this huge buffet?

Only if they were idiots who didn't have any food for having their own lunch at home, or didn't want to make their own lunch. Are they 5yos?

Surely the OP's parents went home and made their own dinner.

YouTheCat · 14/06/2015 11:24

In those few hours they could have gone and done that weekly shop they were so desperate for.

They just couldn't be bothered.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 11:25

Cross posted, so see your DH has spoken to his mother.

The fact that she "sort of dodged the question and just said, oh well Catherine's family were there" does indeed sound as if she was hurt by the arrangements and felt like the less important guests.

I don't think your DH should be ringing up to see what she says or to tell her that he was upset. I think he should ring her up and apologise.

YouTheCat · 14/06/2015 11:28

What sort of person makes this all about them? This was all about a young girl celebrating with her family. Anyone who thinks they are being snubbed and are somehow 'B' list in order to accommodate a child on the spectrum is very very selfish.

Most people wouldn't even think in terms of 'lists' over this kind of thing and would just be pleased to be included in the celebrations.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 11:29

"Only if they were idiots who didn't have any food for having their own lunch at home, or didn't want to make their own lunch."

Do you usually eat a meal at your own home a short while before you go for a meal as a guest at someone else's home,Lweji?

Lweji · 14/06/2015 11:30

If I leave something just before lunch and I am expected there only mid afternoon, OF COURSE!

YouTheCat · 14/06/2015 11:30

They could easily have had a sandwich to tide them over.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 11:36

"OF COURSE!"

Really? Well perhaps the PIL could too.

If I did that, then I would end up just picking at the meal, at which I was a guest.

Original poster

CatherineU · 14/06/2015 11:38

Me or my dh will not be apologising to his family for trying to make ours and chidlren's day a little easier. My family are so accommodating and will do their best and will work around us as they know the issues we have with our ds so they said oh well we'll just have a light lunch to save you spending ages in the kitchen which i thought was very considerate of them. However for Dh's family as they were coming later on I had time to prepare something bigger and though they'd really appreciate it, clearly not.

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/06/2015 11:38

Well, if I have lunch, I somehow manage to be hungry, although not ravenous, by tea time and then dinner, which was what they were expected to be there for.

Even if you were less hungry, it was still better than not showing up, don't you think?

Lindy2 · 14/06/2015 11:40

I think you need to let them know that you are disappointed they didn't come when they had said they would. Maybe explain that although you would love for everyone to be there at the same time last Christmas has clearly shown that too many people at once is too much for your DS to cope with. As grandparents and Aunts and Uncles hopefully they will be able to understand and accommodate their grandson's/nephew's needs as staggered visits on special days is the best way forward for your children.

Frenchmustard7 · 14/06/2015 11:45

ADish - her parents obviously came for lunch while IL's were obviously due to eat tea.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 11:56

"Me or my dh will not be apologising to his family for trying to make ours and chidlren's day a little easier"

I didn't suggest you do that. I said I thought your DH should apologise to his mother. I still think that.

Not, of course, for trying to make his or your's or your children's day a little easier, but for hurting her feelings in this way, albeit that it was not intentional.

(To my mind) to cause hurt, even when unintentional, is not so good, but building bridges can be (and often isn't so very hard to do).

saintlyjimjams · 14/06/2015 11:56

It sounds like they couldn't be arsed rather than offended at some imaginary snubbing (which is a positive tbh, in my book - better news for future events).

As for ringing them to apologise?? For what?? For inviting them to a big spread when they preferred to go food shopping? Or for accommodating her child's disability?

HairyMcMary · 14/06/2015 11:56

Catherine , I think you have had a really hard time on this thread. People love to ride through AIBU on a high horse . I am dismayed by the number of competitive drama queens who claim they would be offended and refuse invitations within their own families if asked to a lovely afternoon event.

From what you say it seems like the only possible mitigation for the behaviour of DH 's family is the seemingly informal nature of the invite . For an important occasion like this it might have been better to send paper invited or s formal e mail 'we would love you to join us to celebrate FHC with buffet supper and drinks at 3pm RSVP' and then explained 'oh we'll see my parents for lunch and they can start their journey home and then we can celebrate with you and avoid s Christmas type meltdown' in the phone calls and texts . They may have seen it as a drop in thing and not realized your family were leaving?

But you have enough on your plate

Really pleased other friends came and your dd had a happy day .

You can't please everyone all the time, it sounds as if you do a lot for DH's family, maybe time to focus on what you want first and foremost.

Frenchmustard7 · 14/06/2015 12:01

Does it really matter which family were invited for lunch or tea? They'd have to be incredibly pedantic to be offended at OP staggering the celebration.

Original poster

CatherineU · 14/06/2015 12:07

Yes that's just it really I've had a lot to deal with these last few weeks including paediatrician appitments, meetings at ds's new school with the senco, I've had both eldest children off school with sickness bugs and my dh has been on two weeks of night shifts meaning I've not had him here of an evening to help and he's obviously slept most of the day.

I've had to organise the whole of dd's communion by myself and just didn't think that I'd annoyed anyone when making these plans. My head has been up my backside these last few weeks but I made sure everyone was ok with the plans ie knew when, where and what time etc I really don't think there was much more I could of done. Except maybe send out formal invites like suggested but to be fair it was only a casual day at our house as opposed to a formal event at a hall, function room so I just assumed it wouldn't be necessary.

OP posts:

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/06/2015 12:17

"ADish - her parents obviously came for lunch while IL's were obviously due to eat tea."

Maybe, Frenchmustard7. An early lunch, so 12-ish? Three hours later, so 3pm? A huge buffet.

Is that tea? I really have no idea ... maybe it's a regional thing ... but, if I ate lunch, I really wouldn't eat another meal until evening. If I was going to be eating a meal at 3pm, I wouldn't have lunch.

So if I was planning a meal for guests, I probably wouldn't plan on feeding them at 3pm, but ... as I say ... it's maybe a regional thing.

It was really just an example of why there may have been confusion to the day ... maybe a bit irrelevant now, because it does seem (to me) that the husbands parents were hurt in not being included in the lunch with Op's parents (although I realise I may be in a minority in thinking they were hurt by it ).

Original poster

CatherineU · 14/06/2015 12:22

No I said that they could come at 3 so they could spend as much of the day with our dc as possible. I wanted to have the cold stuff sorted early but wasn't planning on serving up til about 5pm.

OP posts:

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