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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

256 replies

CatherineU · 13/06/2015 18:02

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

OP posts:
londonrach · 14/06/2015 08:49

See it from both sides here. What do you do for 3 hours while you wait for the first group to eat. Did dh side come to church.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 14/06/2015 08:50

OP YANBU.

Even if they were miffed about being asked to attend later, to take that out on a small child, by not attending HER event, is outrageous. They should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.

whiteiris · 14/06/2015 08:57

I can't see how you could have planned it any better tbh. Maybe next time invite your in-laws first and your own family second?

mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 08:57

Everybody attended the communion at the church.

I can see why the SIL was waiting for confirmation cause even the OP wasn't firm on the time, 3 or 4, she said and this was after none of the ILs showed up.

Original poster
CatherineU · 14/06/2015 09:12

Hi everyone, sorry for posting and then not replying, my youngest ds hid my phone in his wardrobe lol and I've only just found it this morning! But yes Dh's family came to church but only his parents, sister and brother. None of our nieces and nephews turned up despite SiL and BiL saying that they were all coming.

And yeah I felt awful really thinking that they may have felt like they were bing pushed out but this genuinely was not my intention. I was really looking forward to them coming. I only did a little chicken salad and a few nibbles for my family but once they'd gone I put out a huge buffet for Dh's family and the majority now is wasted so I can't help feel annoyed, plus my dad felt disappointed in them not coming x

OP posts:
saintlyjimjams · 14/06/2015 09:16

They sound like they weren't seeing it as an 'event'. Are they religious? Did they understand it was a big deal to your dd? They may just have not bothered rather thsn been offended - which I sort of think is preferable maybe Confused

mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 09:20

Did they know prior to coming to the church that there would be a lunch and a buffet for the two separate families?

Weebirdie · 14/06/2015 09:20

Catherine - I think people will be wondering why you didn't have the grandparents back after church and everyone else at home later on.

crje · 14/06/2015 09:20

It definitely would have been better to do grandparents for church & lunch.Then aunts, uncles & cousins after.

It was a big ask for dh' family to go and come back. Definitely looks like an A & B list .

I think your dh should go and have a chat with them & make peace.
I'm sure his family are quite hurt.

Original poster
CatherineU · 14/06/2015 09:21

I'm sorry but being rude was not my intention. My in laws said the arrangements were totally fine, why would they say this and then not turn up? If they'd of said no this isn't convienient then of course we would of re thinked things. My priority at the end of the day is my children especially my autistic son and he has to come first. Plus I knew my parents would only stop for an hour or two and I thought if my in laws came round later then I'd have time to clear up get the buffet sorted and they could stop all evening and we could celebrate properly, can't please anyone can I really.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 09:22

Did they know that there was a luncheon immediately after church prior to yesterday?

Original poster
CatherineU · 14/06/2015 09:24

Can I also just say that although both sides of our family are civil to each other, they don't particularly like each other and to be honest I didn't want there to be an atmosphere. And yes Dh's family knew that we'd be doing two lots of food and drinks for everyone and they said this was fine, that's why I feel annoyed that after sayid this they just didn't come.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatherineU · 14/06/2015 09:26

And it wasn't a big effort for them to go home and come back. The church were dd did her communion is literally a 2-3 minute walk from their houses (they all live on the same estate) and were we live is a 3-4 minute walk away, so it wouldn't of taken much effort to turn up.

OP posts:
Weebirdie · 14/06/2015 09:26

Catherine, I get you, honestly, but I think out of politeness most people would have said the arrangements were fine even if they didn't think they were. And its highly likely once one of your IL's had said they were unhappy with the arrangements that feet and legs were added to it all, one person wound up the others, and you're event was boycotted.

I would have staggered the guests arriving with grandparents coming first, and perhaps not even invited others in the family so it was all over and done with a few hours after Church.

Gemauve · 14/06/2015 09:28

plus my dad felt disappointed in them not coming

So there were two events. Your father would be there for both, but your father in law was only invited for the second?

mynewpassion · 14/06/2015 09:29

If they knew that there would be a luncheon immediately afterwards and then an afternoon buffet for them, then they should have brought up any issues prior to yesterday. So they were rude.

Weebirdie · 14/06/2015 09:30

No, Catherine's parents were leaving after lunch and her IL's were coming for a Buffet a bit later.

Original poster
CatherineU · 14/06/2015 09:30

And referring to the religious aspect of the day whoever commented up thread. The day IS about celebrating her communion and all that comes with it! We go to church every single week as a committed to our faith, but this is irrelevant as my thread is about the celebration afterwards or are we not entitled to celebrate such a special day and have friends and family round?

OP posts:
Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 14/06/2015 09:31

It isn't politeness to say 'Yes, that's fine' and then not turn up. Politeness is:

  1. Saying 'Yes, I'll come' and then turning up.

Or:

  1. Saying 'Sorry, I can't come' and explaining why in advance.

If they alll live a short walk from both church and Catherine's house it is not a major inconvenience to go home and find something else to do for a few hours. They had notice that this is how the day was going to go and they said they would be there.

I stick to my view that your husband's family behaved badly.

saintlyjimjams · 14/06/2015 09:33

How are they generally about changes you have to make to accommodate your son's autism. Do they make a fuss & roll their eyes or get on board & help out?

Original poster
CatherineU · 14/06/2015 09:33

I totally understand what you're saying I really do. To be honest I centre my life around everyone else and always try to keep everyone happy trying to make sure I don't leave anyone out and I genuinely thought that yesterday this is what I'd done, I try and please everyone but I've failed.

OP posts:
Gemauve · 14/06/2015 09:34

Catherine's parents were leaving after lunch

So why would her father be disappointed by the following events?

CamelHump · 14/06/2015 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weebirdie · 14/06/2015 09:35

*It isn't politeness to say 'Yes, that's fine' and then not turn up. Politeness is:

  1. Saying 'Yes, I'll come' and then turning up.

Or:

  1. Saying 'Sorry, I can't come' and explaining why in advance. *

Yes, we do know that but not everyone would be able to explain the latter in case it ended up in a rammy as in Im pissed off that your parents are going to your house straight from the church and we're being asked to come later.

saintlyjimjams · 14/06/2015 09:37

If they are offended (& I'm not sure they were tbh - from your update it sounds as if they couldn't be arsed) they're really going to have to increase their understanding of autism or spend the next twenty years with their noses out of joint (because believe me if they're that easily offended they're going to carry on being offended at every event). You can't do that for them - so I would just carry on arranging things that suit your son, explain to them why - and then they can choose to get it or not.