To be annoyed and rather pissed that they didn't turn up?

[CatherineU]

Hi, well today was our dd's holy communion. We arranged for our immediate family ie my parents, sisters, nieces and nephews, Dh's parents, brother, sister, nieces and nephews to come to come to the service and then to come back to ours to celebrate, food, drinks etc.

As our youngest ds is autistic/asd and doesn't cope well with lots of people in the house we arranged (in advance) that we'd have a staggered day with visitors to keep his and our stress levels to a minimum. We arranged for my side of the family to come straight after church for an early lunch and then for Dh's side of the family to come later on around 3/4pm for a few drinks and then a buffet.

So we go to church, we have a lovely morning and my family come for lunch as planned. Come 3pm Dh's family are not here so he phones his mum and texts his brother and sister to see where they are. His mum says that her and his dad aren't coming and that they are going food shopping then are going out with friends for some dinner and then are out for the night. Dh's sister texts back saying that we didn't get back to her or text her what time to come so now she has arranged for friends to come over for drinks, and Dh's brother texts saying that he didn't think he was invited as my family was here!

BUT, my dh spoke to his mum weeks ago and then again on Wednesday to arrange things and I spoke to his sister and brother on Thursday to sort things and they both said yes and they'd be here. Basically they just couldn't be arsed turning up! Me and dh have spent quite a bit on preparing a lovely buffet that would probably feed a small army, we've gone out and bought wine, beer, cider (after asking all HIS family what their preferences were) and it's all gone to waste. AIBU to be really really annoyed and let down that they've cancelled on us like this? Not to mention my dd was so excited to have them over and was looking forward to playin with all her cousins!

I totally understand what you're saying I really do. To be honest I centre my life around everyone else and always try to keep everyone happy trying to make sure I don't leave anyone out and I genuinely thought that yesterday this is what I'd done, I try and please everyone but I've failed.

Its ok, it really is, its very much a case of not being able to do right for doing wrong.

But maybe learn from this and try to work things out in future that both sets of grandparents are put on an even footing even if they don't have much in common. Its not up to you to keep them apart because of it, its up to them to be able to spend time together as the grandparents of their beautiful grandchildren. Jeez, what more do they need in common than talking about how wonderful the bairns are?

I think it's a case of what you want to happen from now on.

hey're really going to have to increase their understanding of autism or

but nothing has been said about them not understanding autism and I don't understand why you keep on pushing this point.

Its obvious there was more than autism at play here and the IL's not having much in common was very important in the decisions that were made.

No that was a typo, meant to say dd was disappointed with them not coming.

Sorry I should have explained. Dh's family are good with our Ds but FiL has very little patience and you can see after half an hour of youngest being a bit boisterous that he's had enough and wants to leave and he's not subtle in any way.

Catherine, I don't think you were rude. Of course I am not Catholic and don't understand the etiquette of First Communions. I still think that you would have to have a fairly big ego to privilege your own sense of being trumped in the relative stakes over being with an excited little girl on a special day.

Of course they should have said something at the time or plastered on a smile and done it with a good grace. As it turns out they could easily have gone home and back, but even so; is it really so difficult for grown adults to entertain themselves for a few hours? I wouldn't have minded in the least provided I was told beforehand, and if it was a problem (I might have skipped the afternoon do depending on circumstances if I were with my kids because they are autistic) I'd have said so at the time.

Still I guess you know for future events and invite your family last (who might be more understanding) and your inlaws first. Never mind. It's hurtful, but nothing can take away the spiritual significance of the day and I'm sure your little girl will look back with fondness anyway.

It was simply about me my dh and our dc having an easy time of it, and a house full of people is an absolute nightmare for our ds. He has meltdown after meltdown, throws things at people etc. For example at Christmas on Boxing Day we had both families over for the day and it was horrendous! Ds hit, smacked, and pinched everyone, head butted the wall, and even pulled our brand new TV over an smashed it! By the end of the day I was a total mess and in tears, and I didn't want another day like that and nor did my DD want her special day to be once again centred around her little brother and I felt my staggering visitors it would be so much better.

I think for special occasions ye should have grandparents together.
It's up to them to suck it up & behave.

They were rude not to come in the end. They probably got the hump on the day & decided to act on it.
I think dh should call & say ' what happened to ye yesterday' if they kick off about being b list then dh needs to explain its not about them & they let their grandchild down .

Catherine I am a Catholic and understand how important the day was for you and your family.

I think there is a hierarchy in families and if you're going to go down the road of family gatherings again then may have something for the grandparents first and everyone else afterwards. That way if its all too much for your son (and you and DH and your other children) then at least the day has involved both granny and grandads equally.

Its a minefield eh?

Catherine

I think your IL's were rude to agree to come but not turn up. Yes, might have been better to do GPs earlier, aunts/uncles/cousins later but you thought you were doing things to suit everybody (as the family's don't get on).

One thing you haven't clarified is that you also said that your SIL said she was waiting for DH/you to get back to her re time to come over but nobody had and that your BIL thought he wasn't invited. Are you sure there weren't some crossed wires here?

Of course, they could just be using this as an excuse for their rudeness, and if they weren't sure of timings they could have contacted you to ask- but i wonder if they didn't come because of a mix up. Or perhaps were upset by thinking you hadn't got back to them/didn't want them there (and perhaps this upset your MIL/FIL).

Obviously not the case with your PIL, who agreed to come and didn't turn up. No excuse for that, they should have declined the invitation if it didn't suit or let you know they weren't coming once they had decided not to.

I feel for you op.
If they were miffed they should have talked to you. They should understand your reasonings. They were rude.

Maybe it was because they feel it is always them, that get the thin end of the wedge. Could there be any truth in this? Even if there is, they were still unbelievably rude to just not turn up. They should have talked to you.

Where do you go from here? Will you talk to them about it? Will dp say anything?
I'd have to say how I feel. In a calm, non confrontational way. Will they take offence.?
How they react to this is very indicative of your relationship. Reasonable people would not behave like this in the first place be very apologetic and would be able to sort out any grudges etc through that old fashioned concept of communicating - talking.

Catherine, I don't think you've been rude or unreasonable. Your DH's family have. I do think that they think you have been rude and unreasonable though as it's just too suspicious that they ALL didn't come. It sounds planned to me.

I think your DH needs to step up here and speak to them and make it clear how disappointed he is and how much trouble you had went to.

YANBU. There was a very valid reason for staggering the visitors. The IL are adults and could have verbalised that they felt 'second best' (if indeed they did) as the letter visitors rather than just not turn up.

For anyone who's not understanding why they split the visits I'm assuming you don't live with an autistic child?

Hi. I'd spoken to Dh's sister and brother at the beginning of the week and then again on Thursday to double check all the plans and I said if it's ok with them that they can come anytime from 3pm onwards as by then I knew my family would most likely have left and I'd have the buffet almost ready, so if there were some crossed wires I don't know how.

My BiL was on face booked about an hour after we'd Spoken to him last night and he'd been tagged at a pub with his mates "getting smashed" and my SiL from the sounds of things had already planned to have friends round. i genuinely just think they didn't want to come in the first place and are just using my family as scapegoats to hide this.

Well that's the thing, me, dh and the kids probably spend more time with them than we do with my side f the family. My parents still work full time so we only tend to see them of a weekend for an hour or so, whereas Dh's parents are retired do we are always popping round to see them. And I'm always helping our SiL and BiL minding my necked and nephews, taking them on days our and on holiday so if anyone were to feel pushed out I'd expect it to be my not the other way around.

I keep pushing the autism point because -if they didn't turn up because they had the hump about the arrangements then it's obvious they have no understanding of autism at all or they wouldn't have the hump.

If they just couldn't be arsed to turn up then it may not be anything to to with autism.

I had years of certain people assuming every arrangement I made was designed to be as awkward as possible for them, when in fact we were just trying to make something possible. It used to upset me terribly that people would seemingly go out of their way to not understand (even when explained in words of one syllable). In the end I let it wash over me - and if they have the hump I'd suggest you do the same OP. They'll either get it in the end, or they won't & there's bugger all you can do about it.

If they just couldn't be arsed that's a different matter.

OP, it does sound like they simply couldn't be bothered and you are right to feel upset and annoyed. All you can do is learn from this and make sure you dont get caught out again by their rude behaviour. You need to lower your expectations. You won't be able to change who they are. Carry on doing favours for them if you want to but don't do them With the hope that they will appreciate them or do the same for you.

It doesn't nessecerily mean they don't care about your family, they may well do but they are just selfish and thoughtless too.

I hope you can put it too one side and have a fun day with the kids today.

Oh yeah definitely we'll have fun. We had a lovely day yesterday, my dd did us so proud and like i said our family came round and we had a nice lunch outside on the decking as the rain thankfully stayed away. Then we unexpectedly had friends round for the evening and carried on the celebrations with a bit of buffet in front of the log burner so it was nice.

I think a communication from you is in order of how hurt you are and all the wasted food etc. and how did everyone suddenly have other plans? I couldn't let it go without saying something because this might happen again in the future.
At the church, didn't everyone say see you later? I hope for the sake of family feeling that it was genuinely a case of miscommunication and not them taking umbrage at a perceived slight, which obviously should have been thrashed out beforehand.

I'm with saintlyjimjams. The op is nbu to organise the day in a way that best works for her family, especially given that the reason is to accommodate her disabled son. If the in laws had an issue with this they should have declined when invited rather than just not turning up.

I can understand that they might have felt b list, but frankly, as adults, they should have been able to put this disappointment to one side for the sake of their grandchildren and not spoilt the day.

Well like i said my SiL said well you didn't tell me what time to come which is rubbish as I told her at least twice, and anyway if she was confused why didn't she ask me at the church, or text me once she got home? My BiL new he was invited and what time etc but by the looks of things he'd already arranged to go to the pub, and my PiL's we said to them see you later this afternoon as they were walking to thei car on the car park and they said yes we'll see you later on!

Well if there was no possibility of a mix up, they are all BU and very rude. If they didn't want to come for whatever reason then they should have said so.

If they were upset by being "second best" (although I can see this wasn't their intention) or felt it was too inconvenient to come later, they should have discussed it with you.

I would ask your DH to let his parents know how upset you and your DD were that they didn't come.

They were rude.

What are you going to do/say now?

Dh has spoken with his mum this morning. She never mentioned anything about feeling like she was pushed out, nothing of the sort. Instead she said oh well we desperately needed to go food shopping and you no me and your dad we always go out on Saturday nights. So when dh asked why she didn't mention this before and that he was upset they hadn't turned up she sort of dodged the question and just said, oh well Catherine's family were there.

I've text SiL this morning as well and asked her why that had happened and told her that she knew what time to come and that of course she was invited. And she just replied Catherine!!! In a stern way, YOU didn't tell me what time to come (I obviously did!) and you no that my mum and dad go out on Saturday night so I thought I'd just leave it. I mean come on what kid of bullshit reasoning and excuse is that?