Bored of hearing women belly aching about 'emotional abuse' on here and in RL when most of the time the relationship has just run its course and clearly needs to end! Anyone else?

[confusedoflondon]

Just that really. 'Emotional abuse' is becoming a much over used term IMHO. People act badly particularly in relationships they may perceive themselves to be stuck in, that's life. Thoughts?

Very pleased to see this is being moved. A support section isn't the appropriate place for this type of thread.

I think you have a genuine question so you deserve a straight answer. I've had a few incompatible relationships but they were very different from the abusive one where I had a lovely combo of financial, physical and emotional abuse.

I'll try and explain the difference:

Incompatibility is when two people row and fall out on equal terms - they disagree about stuff, how life should be led, what they like/don't like. They might argue and call eachother names, but they don't fundamentally think that person should bend to their will - it's just they don't agree with eachother.

Abuse is when one partner looks to have their needs met at all costs, discounting what the other person wants/needs. It's not disagreement. It's basically one person saying 'you don't have an opinion. You will bend to my will'. Of course, they don't come out and actually say that because they realise ti would be too obvious. Instead they use different tactics to get their way. it could be physical, financial, sexual, emotional. One or two or all of these types of tactics. It's difficult to describe, but basically in an abusive relationship you gradually become lost at sea not knowing what you are doing is 'right' or 'wrong' because the other person is simply out to control you rather than having a relationship/partnership with you. It's not about disagreeing with eachother or having different likes/dislikes. It's about one person wanting to have their needs met at any cost whilst not considering the needs of the other.

This is the difference. I don't think I've seen EA used as a term inappropriately. Often those who spot it have experienced it and can recognise the control aspect rather than it being about simple disagreements. Quite often women/men aren't ready to hear that they are in an abusive relationship and posters who know they are will be quite gentle and point them to resources that will help them work this out. I can understand that if you haven't experienced abuse like EA you might not spot the signs that others see. It's not something that people tend to call out lightly and you are right, it should not be used for any relationship rows. But I can't think of one instance where I've seen it used inappropriately or lightly.

Popalot - Great post!

yes popalot

Thankyou popalot ...I'm guessing lots of people on here have past 'stuff' they are trying to.'work out'....its a fantastic place to verbalise what it may not be easy to state in RL ......a compassionate and caring environment is what is needed .

Mrs Bough works in a high pressure environment, and if a something starts to go wrong and the team doesn't function as one cooperative unit when the situation becomes stressful, then someone dies, so obviously everyone needs to be on board and from time to time when under pressure the tone and the atmosphere can change..
If team members are not pulling their weight then in my opinion they deserve a bollocking...

I myself work in construction, where the tone of voice can be harsh, criticism is normal, standards are high, mistakes are ordered to be rectified and punitive punishments are handed out inc sackings on the spot or deductions from earnings..
Atmosphere between employees can the be jovial one minute or verbally abusive and sometimes physical attacks can occur the next...

In my experience men are very controlling by nature they are also very critical of each other and against this back drop some communicate in a similar way with their partners...
My parents have been married for 45 yrs and it's not always been a bed of roses for the family due to external pressures but against this back drop they are still together despite not minding P or Q's from time to time...

I get the feeling that some posters feel they should be micro managing every single response during times of conflict or even in day to day living and some people have some really odd boundaries and expectations whilst with their partners..

frankbough When you post, I often get an image of someone repeatedly banging their head against a brick wall expecting the force of their skull to make the wall collapse.

what's your point frankbough? that men are just controlling and that's the way it is?

you can't compare a team that needs to pull together with a couple where the problem is that the couple is not equal, where the needs of one half are met and accommodated and the needs of the other half of the couple are considered selfish.

My x did try to manage my reactions. He could manipulate me, remind me of all my 'flaws', criticise me, doubt me..............and I was not allowed to react. I couldn't be hurt or angry or frustrated. I just had to accommodate him and what suited him all the time and I had to do it with a smile.

Dear, oh dear!

Thoughts! Well seeing as you've asked for my thoughts. Here goes
You sound like a right nasty piece of work. Suppose you're smug in your happy relationship/marriage are you.
This was a very very unwise thread to start, op.
You have undoubtedly upset a lot of people. Do you have nothing better to do, other than kick people when they're down.
You Damn well aught to be highly ashamed of yourself.
But to start a dispicable thread like this you can't have any shame, but don't worry. We have enough shame for you.!!!

Oh for you it's bellyaching but for some it's their reality.
There but for the grace of God, Mrs I'm alright, Jack, it could have just as easily been your reality. Never forget that

Where is the OP, bow?

Or is this a classic 'chuck a grenade then run'?

But yeah, HQ, let's let it stand because it's helpful how?

Frank. Does Mrs Bough know that you consider respectful communication under pressure impossible, believe men are controlling and critical by nature, and deem it reasonable to perpetuate controlling, critical behaviour at home?

I'm happy to say my experience of teamwork under pressure, and of men in general, puts the lie to your observations.

As far as I'm concerned marriage is a promise and it angers me greatly that people renege on this promise so easily, people also need to take a little time to pick a compatible partner, rather than rushing into bed and forming a relationship on the early chemical induced infatuation

Even the Catholic's will allow you to religiously annul a marrige where abuse exists and let you remarry someone else in their church

Just to be clear. Women are as bad, or as good, as men.

Not meeting one another's expectations is unfortunate, but part of real life.

Labelling one or the other an abuser because those needs were, perhaps, not met, is out of order, and in itself , abuse.

I think popalot summed it up pretty much perfectly. The sad thing is that "the script" for abuse could also be inserted into "the script" for incompatibility , if someone wanted to do it, particularly at the break up stage.

All you can hope is that all involved , have the sense to see though some of the knee jerk (and possibly from one side's point of view, quite entitled) labelling that goes on and are able to rebuild their lives, whichever side they were on.

But however it is labelled if you are unhappy why stay and for want of a better word complain about it. That's the bottom line.

If you are unhappy why read threads and for want of a better word complain about them.

Millytent The problem with taking you seriously is two-fold:

1. You've just joined MN to post on this particular thread OR either
2. You've NC

Both are fine..

Those points are not issues within themselves but when this thread was still in Relationships you came out in full support of the OP, so I'd just like to go through a few of your misguided attempts at contributing to this debate... Of course I'd never call you a troll.

I don't appreciate you hijacking popalot's post for your own gains. You are doing the classic case of manipulating your opponents argument to boost your own.

It's not a competition between men and women. So when you say ""Just to be clear. Women are as bad, or as good, as men."" No-one had even suggested that we were in some sort of Game of Thrones set-up.

What you refer to as ""labelling"" and then go forth to urge others to take caution before they ""label"" does not make grammatical or even practical sense. Even leaving outside the labelling, who are you to declare what can and cannot be considered EA.

And my personal favourite from you:

All you can hope is that all involved , have the sense to see though some of the knee jerk (and possibly from one side's point of view, quite entitled) labelling that goes on and are able to rebuild their lives, whichever side they were on

I doubt that anyone who has ever been emotionally abused had a knee jerk reaction to their abuse, I doubt they ever, ever felt entitled. I'd even say that for so long they were living in someone else's shadow and could only rebuild their lives once they were free. And even that was a task.

Call it what you want. Defend it all you like but I hope that you never face any sort of abuse because you liken it to the frustration one would face over missing their train.

Your words are dangerous and I really hope that someone who needs support doesn't come across you. Thank heavens this was moved to AIBU.

Thanks, Beenwondering.

Your opinion is clearly more valid and experience based than mine . I will not dare voice my stance on things again as clearly, if it doesn't comply 100% with your train of thought,you will not only dismiss it, but dissect every detail in order to prove that it must be nonsense.

I bow to your higher knowledge.

Glad to hear it Millytent! I'm happy I made you see sense in the end! One by one.

The script for Abuse and the script for incompatibility aren't even remotely similar.

To assert they are illustrates you know nothing at all about abuse. Many people don't. But you should really stop thinking you know what you are talking about.

An opinion based on stereotypes and ignorance really isn't an "opinion" worth arguing and I'm perplexed why you would do so on a thread like this.

I think that's for the best. Nobody is going to force you to call your relationship abusive if it's not. But let others be the judge of what their own experiences were.

I wish that people when they post would put far more detail in their point/view so that any discussion/view following would respond to what they are saying. I did have some questions but Confused did not answer, nor did she (think it was a she) did not return to the topic later.
I also pointed out that Abuse is very common, and there are many types. The statistics prove this.
One of the characteristics of an abusive relationship is that when the victim tries to leave the abuser does not allow them to, or "allows" them to but then harasses them later on in time. It is very different than a normal relationship, and all types of abuse can cause serious damage.
Confused seemed to be complaining that there was talk of abuse when it was not in fact happening. Well who are we to be the judge of whether people are saying the truth or not. Abuse often starts out as something "small" and seemingly innocuous and then grow into a monster. The person could well be sensing the monster creeping into their life.
So in fact Confused should be encouraging people to talk about abuse instead of trying to silence them.
Unfortunately there is still an ignorance about abuse that still has to be addressed.

It's hard to discuss this whole thing when it is vague and general I agree. There is nothing to stop any poster offering an opinion on whether something is or isn't abusive on an actual thread where they are able to actually articulate why they believe what they do. I still don't understand why this thread was started, still no-one has explained what kinds of situations have been called abusive when they arent. Surely if you want to have this discussion chat or AIBU are the places and you would have to back up your opinion with some explanation/justification further than 'Most things I've seen called abusive aren't' to be taken seriously? Still waiting for an explanation, otherwise it seems it is an agenda post designed to undermine support for other people for some personal reason of the op's.

I had one relationship where my ex called me a moron daily. I was not allowed to express opinion, any opinion at all, because I was screamed at, shouted at, told I was stupid for thinking that the sky was blue. I was not allowed to watch what I wanted on television. He threatened to pour boiling water over my head in front of our children. He locked me in my house to prevent me from leaving. He bullied me relentlessly for a long, long time. I couldn't leave because my DSD lived with me and I knew I couldn't take her with me. I didn't see it as abusive for a long time because whilst I could see he was an arsehole, he never hit me. Your post is dangerous because it backs up that opinion, which is the misunderstanding of many victims of abuse, because that is what gas lighting is and that is why it is so hard to see your situation for what it is.

I have also had relationships where we no longer liked each other anymore so we argued a lot before splitting. That is very different, but I don't think anyone would argue that was emotional abuse?

Fundamentally, I think it is better to have a lower threshold for what we describe as abusive. Because if you as a victim feel it is abusive, who am I to invalidate your experience?
And if having a lower threshold means more victims will realise earlier that it is abuse so they leave quicker, frankly I don't give a fuck if you get bored of hearing it. Because they are more important than you.

The title of this thread

My abusive ex could've written it.