Bored of hearing women belly aching about 'emotional abuse' on here and in RL when most of the time the relationship has just run its course and clearly needs to end! Anyone else?

[confusedoflondon]

Just that really. 'Emotional abuse' is becoming a much over used term IMHO. People act badly particularly in relationships they may perceive themselves to be stuck in, that's life. Thoughts?

I'm surprised this thread hasn't been pulled. If you are reading this and wondering if you are in an abusive relationship, I would hide this thread now because you don't need to read it.

OP why didn't you start this on AIBU?

probably to scared too

schlong can you not see the irony in your last post.

My very abusive XP used to call me abusive too - classic case.

Perhaps those that are crying 'cliche, overuse' etc are a little upset because it is a bit close for comfort in their personal lives. Protesting too much and all that...

Did you know there are many different websites on the Internet?

If you are bored OP, I suggest you look elsewhere. Maybe you and this website are just not compatible.

And I agree with the posters saying this should be moved to AIBU as it is a debate rather than supportive post

Or maybe I am the abuser and XP Was being abused by me all the time?
How would I know? I'm a woman after all and not professionally qualified in identifying emotional abuse?

Clue all of the above is wrong!

So your abuse was much more abusive than someone else's? Is it really necessary to stealth boast and shout down others. 'No, your partner is not abusive enough for you to warrant any support. Call me when it ramps up'.

Pathetic.

Bored
belly-aching
most of the time
Probably not wise for me to have skimmed this thread in my current situation, let alone wade in... but really?
The OP title is so insulting and and shows so little emotional intelligence, I have no words.
Exactly the sort of minimising throwaway statement my mother would make to justify her right to continue to emotionally abuse me. Despicable. Needlessly upsetting.
If you want to have a debate and think you are so knowledgeable on the subject, at least be articulate enough to do it properly. And if it's
too boring don't even bother posting ...

Usually people who complain of being bored haven't got a life.

And if her desire is to make anyone silent about abuse, she has in fact done the opposite - ironic really.
In real life she has the option to tell the person that they are boring and discuss that with them, maybe see life from someone elses perspective. Learn some empathy skills. Life may not be so "boring" then, lol.

A propos of nothing in particular, I am indebted to my DB for the information that "schlong" is one of many synonyms for "dick".

I am also indebted to my DB for sending me a link to a list of indicators of emotional abuse, shortly after I had informed him that I was seeking a divorce. It was the most amazing lightbulb moment. I had thought XH was a bit over sensitive, he had issues, of course I am an annoying person to live with etc, and then I saw a list, in black and white, describing his exact behaviours in a spectrum known as "emotional abuse" - a term I'm not sure I'd heard before. The bugger had been doing it on purpose. It explained so much.

Around the same time a brilliant friend sent me a link to the MN relationships board and blow me again... there was a lot of it about. Although I'd already made the decision to LTB it was immensely comforting to have validation that it's not me, it's him and even more importantly I have a right to leave a relationship that's not working for me. Oh, and comforting to see I wasn't the only idiot who'd been putting up with very bad behaviour from their partners for many years. Of course I'm no angel. I'm a human being - aren't we all? I make mistakes and can be ratty and the diplomatic answer doesn't always trip off my tongue. But I do try to treat people with respect and empathy and am first to apologise when I fail. That is not abuse. What XH did to me, that was fucking abusive and I will respectfully and empathetically rip the head off anyone who denies it.

To add to the points about abuse not always being apparent biting at tge goad hook, more sucker me my abusive ex never shouted, hit or obviously bullied me.
His form of control was to spot the leftie religious bird (he isn't either fwiw), and cry/be "disappointed" to distress levels/tell me he was so sad everyone would hate me because of "crimes" such as dressing slutty, going out anywhere with men, eating the wrong things, wanting a career, watching TV, having a friend who smoked, going to uni... He convinced me he was protecting my slutty/selfish self from ruin. When I tried to suggest anything he would cry and ask what would people say if he killed himself?
For 3 years I thought I was the nasty one as I would feel so angry inside.
Probably to the outside world I looked like an ungrateful cow with a prince charming too.

That was getting too long so I've broken it into two posts

Lundy Bancroft, who was castigated on another thread here recently for being over-quoted but I make absolutely no apologies for doing it again, said that the reason abusers do what they do is because they get what they want by doing it, whether consciously or otherwise. I think that would probably be where I'd draw the line between emotional abuse and dysfunctionality: when one person is getting something out of it which the other is not. As I think someone said a few pages ago, two mutually incompatible people whose relationship has come to a natural end but they won't admit it to themselves for whatever reason may behave, temporarily, abusively to each other. It takes one of them to cut through the crap and point out they don't need to live like that. But an abuser is not about to let their victim off that easily. It's not about not being unhappy with the wrong person any more. As far as they're concerned they're with the right person - the one whose weaknesses they know inside out (and I'm indebted to Galrick for that one).

In the end though, does it actually matter if you use the term "emotional abuse" or something else, when the important fact is that a relationship is very unhealthy and one person is suffering more than the other? You're playing sophistry with people's lives. "I'm sorry, you can't call it emotional abuse when it is/isn't like..." well, we'd all draw the line in different places I'm sure. I doubt many here are qualified to define what it isn't, any more than what it is. The point is it is bad and that either party has the right to leave without the other's permission. It's not an easy decision - basically only the very rich or the very poor will get away without a hefty impact on finances, for example - but there is no moral imperative to stay and be... whatever you prefer to call it.

Oh dear, I have just had a lightbulb moment! I talk about my past emotionally abusive relationship to other people, therefore that makes me a bore.

Sorry, one more, then I'll wander off and do something completely unproductive.

Can I just add about the NPD/narc thing, someone said earlier that's another thing which is over- or inappropriately used and maybe it is, but I don't see that as a huge problem except when it's clearly inaccurate. OK, only a trained psychiatrist can reliably diagnose a personality disorder, but I see nothing wrong with using the word "narcissistic" to describe certain traits. (Narcissus, if you will cast your mind back to Greek legend, was the young man who fell in love with his own reflection and gazed at it every day until he died, whilst the nymph Echo pined away in the background longing for him to notice and love her. Ironically, as her curse was only to be able to repeat what was said to her, they should have made a perfect couple.) What about threads where someone says the partner sounds depressed? They're not a doctor, how dare they bandy the word depression around? Er no, it's an unqualified opinion, like everyone else's on here. Even if they are a doctor they haven't met the person. It's not a diagnosis, it can't be. It would be a bit clumsy to have to preface every such comment with a disclaimer, so MN have kindly put one at the top of the Relationships topic to save us the trouble.

We are now into the 3/4 generations of divorce and family breakdown, a lot of people have no clear boundaries, they have poor communication skills, they have had very poor relationship role models..

Trying to balance the work loads/societal expectations including careers, child centred parenting and general unrealistic/ unwanted media advice means that relationship breakdown especially for the unmarried is 90% assured..
MN is the bastion of the word abuse which covers everything from bullying to general disagreements or even tone of voice or looking at a partner the wrong way..
In my experience men and women communicate differently, Mrs Bough often complains of the tone of voice her male colleagues have used, rather than focusing on what they were actually saying.... So oft the point is missed and clouded out by her emotional response to the task she is being asked to carry out...

Its another tool for feminists to attack the family unit, which is sad, because men and women need to coexist in relative harmony..
Forgiveness goes along way..

As far as I'm concerned marriage is a promise and it angers me greatly that people renege on this promise so easily, people also need to take a little time to pick a compatible partner, rather than rushing into bed and forming a relationship on the early chemical induced infatuation..

That's the problem with EA frank, as with other types of abuse it creeps up on you. I think its called something like 'creeping normalcy'.

The only person who was hell bent on arguing the abuse I'd suffered wasn't abuse, came out with 'well if that makes him abusive, so am I! I punched DH in the face the other day ha ha ha!' She's the most abusive person I know. Funny that.

Anniegetyourgun have a virtual bottle of wine on me. Fab posts

Frankbough interesting that you take your username from someone who visited brothels and took cocaine. So was the real life Mrs Bough right to accept whatever behavior he showed and that be more important than Frank's broken promise?

Sorry, I lied, shouldn't have refreshed the thread...

As far as I'm concerned marriage is a promise and it angers me greatly that people renege on this promise so easily

Frank: just fuck the fuck off with that shit. 25 years trying to make it work. Twenty five fucking years. My sanity has taken a massive hit but I'm still more rational than the strange creature I tried to make a life with. Some people hide what they are until they've got you, others have this attitude to "essence of wifeness" that means you promptly stop being a human being as soon as you're hitched... basically however carefully you think you've picked the right life partner, it's possible to be suckered.

ps Do try to be a bit more supportive to Mrs Bough with her work issues. If her colleagues are using an offensive tone of voice when a polite one would do then it is they who are being unprofessional, not her. A little sympathy would not go amiss.

Joysmum

Gosh yes, much better that children see abusive couples as role models, than learn that a relationship is not a necessity and that you are responsible for your own happiness.

My dh doesn't communicate any differently to me, and I am capable of listening to content as well as tone of voice. Both are intrinsic parts of communication.

Good post Frankbough. I would only add that sometimes those who throw the word EA and the sort around could benefit from self-reflection and awareness of the part they play in the situation.

Overuse of these words really dilute their effect and undermine the cases of people who are truly experiencing abuse.

Annie, I'm with you. I worked so hard at my marriage to xh. So long, so many wasted years. Turned out I was the only one working. Now I have a lovely dh and understand that a marriage is a partnership. No one can carry it alone.

Bough I've had to sanction women at work for being rude in tone to men. A rude tone is rude. That's not a modern 'feminist' woo scary feminists spoiling everything thing, it's been apparent since the Ancient Greeks at least. Heck, even animals do it!
Men and women training in communication are taught about tone and expression. Sales, psychology, teaching, medicine, law ... All require this skill.
Being able to "read" it isn't a weakness but a positive advantage.
Being manipulative with it is rude and if done all the time, abusive.

It's not a gender thing either. Most men I know can recognise a nasty tone and comment on it as such.