Bored of hearing women belly aching about 'emotional abuse' on here and in RL when most of the time the relationship has just run its course and clearly needs to end! Anyone else?

[confusedoflondon]

Just that really. 'Emotional abuse' is becoming a much over used term IMHO. People act badly particularly in relationships they may perceive themselves to be stuck in, that's life. Thoughts?

Frankbough. Tone of voice is the overriding factor, it conveys the emotions they are transferring to her. It is then understandable that she has an emotional response. I think if I was in her shoes the next task would be to go for the divorce, and find a new job.
Yes marriage is on the way out, good news I would say then people wouldn't have to go through all that hassle of divorce.

confused, I haven't yet gotten through the full thread but can you explain please why if a partner is behaving in an emotionally abusive way, it can't be labelled as such because it's caused by incompatibility? That's just another excuse for treating someone badly.

And your comments that a person should just leave the person rather that stay and 'complain about it' are disgusting.

Mrs Bough often complains of the tone of voice her male colleagues have used, rather than focusing on what they were actually saying.... So oft the point is missed and clouded out by her emotional response to the task she is being asked to carry out...

Surely the point of the tone is to belittle Mrs Bough - and thus the clear main message? If a man wants a woman to do some work at work, then just tell then. No need to use tones of voices that will cause an emotional response in the first place.

As far as I'm concerned marriage is a promise and it angers me greatly that people renege on this promise so easily

A - promises can be broken.
B - you would really rather see people in abusive relationships because one day they thought they were compatible. Thank goodness for divorce I say - it means one party can get out of bad situations if needs be.
C - why so angry about other people's lives? Does it matter to you - really?

Newrule sometimes those who throw the word EA and the sort around could benefit from self-reflection and awareness of the part they play in the situation. And what does 'EA and the sort' even mean? Is the implication of this, if only the person on the receiving end tried a little bit harder, reflected a bit more none of the so-called abuse would take place? I tried and reflected to death in my marriage, it did no good at all. Without a specific situation being discussed some broad-sweeping statements like these read very much like blaming the victim. As if the victim doesn't already do enough of that.

You're playing sophistry with people's lives.
Absolutely agree with Annie some people on this thread are doing just that - what good does it do? Cheap provocation? Boredom?

What Bough is really saying is that Mrs B's male colleagues can talk to her in tone they like and if she complains she's being 'emotional'.

Schlong I'm loving the irony of someone complaining of the overuse of 'abuse' while accusing a random poster of being an abuser for questioning your views. If you can't cope with debate then don't get involved.

Wow. YOu do not understand the difference between the end of a relationship and emotional abuse. YOU are the one who has lumped them in together.

Adorably simple: EA and the sort means EA and the other words mentioned here like narcissistic, manipulative, etc.

If you feel these words correctly describe what you were facing, then fine. This is not about you per set. It is about the overuse of these words not that they are never applicable. Surely that goes without saying.

Self-reflection is always a good thing to under how and why a person finds themselves in a particular situation. This is not about attributing blame but about understanding oneself, including the part we play in the outcomes that we are faced with.

You don't seem to know what you are talking about OP. Just that really.

Granted it's not about me. It wasn't my point anyway.
Who's to decide the words are being overused though? It's easy to decide someone is being a drama queen and shouting EA without being in their situation or having the slightest insight into their everyday life. Which is what the OP seems to be doing.

schlong "Or lack of emotional intelligence that can be interpreted as abuse?" This is a useful distinction. I think that the behaviour of my XH, which was labelled as EA on here, was most likely lack of emotional intelligence.

I did question whether he really intended to make me feel like shit, but the upshot was, I did feel like shit, nothing I did was ever good enough, I had to question every move I made and what the consequences might be - I described it to him a game of chess and he said "god, that must be exhausting!"

FWIW, he's still a selfish arsehole sometimes but I have forgiven him and given up on trying to make him behave any better towards the DCs as he just doesn't have it in him.

I am so glad MN called him out on his behaviour because whatever it was called, I hadn't realised how completely unacceptable it was or that it wasn't normal or 'just how men are'. Giving it a label allowed me to walk away knowing that I couldn't fix it.

There's some wonderful victim blaming going on on this thread.

Quite a few posters have said that people who feel they are victims of EA need to take a look at themselves and their own behaviour.

To those people I say, you clearly have no idea what goes on in other people's relationships.

Also, fuck off. This board, and indeed the whole site, is meant to be for support. People belittling others experiences with EA are not being supportive, they are being twats.

It is not compulsory to post here. If you want to behave like a nasty piece of work other websites are available.

You're quite right, Frankbough, tone of voice means nothing

^^ See? And that's just a tone of voice in writing!

Great posts here, Annie.

Can I just also add, to anyone reading this thread and wondering whether or not to ask for support on this board, this thread is NOT indicative of this board.

The support on this board is fantastic. Please, please don't be put off by some of the arseholes posting on this thread. You will be listened to, you will be believed and you will be supported.

#WeBelieveYou

Adorably no one is 'deciding' these words are overused. Some of us have expressed a perfectly reasonable view that it is. Some disagree.

What I find disturbing about MN is the incredibly hysterical responses towards those who have a view that goes against the 'preferred' one.

It's an opinion board, for goodness sake.

Newrule if you dislike the place so much you could always leave.

I doubt that anyone would miss you.

Whisk it's idiocy like yours that I find disturbing.

I never said I did not like MN. There is some value in it but people like you, with rabid hysterical opinions, refusing to acknowledge that it is perfectly okay for others to have deferring views, is what undermines the value of MN.

Knock yourself out going crazy over my opinion. I will freely express it whether you like it or not.

By the way, I do not know you or anyone on here nor do I wish to. I certainly do not come on here looking to be liked or missed. This is a care that I simply don't have.

This thread actually reminds me of a thread we had not too long ago about whether the answer is always to LTB. It had a similar sort of dynamic and response from both camps.

Rabid and hysterical? To call people out for belittling and dismissing people's experiences of abuse within their relationships?

It's not about having different opinions. It's about going on a support board and telling people 'you were abused because you asked for it', which is essentially what you said.

If calling people out for victim blaming makes me rabid and hysterical, so be it.

I'd rather be standing up for people who've been abused than dismissing them.

Mrs Bough often complains of the tone of voice her male colleagues have used, rather than focusing on what they were actually saying

But words are only such a small part of communication, Frank. Tone and looks are also part of communication

Afternoon folks. We've had quite a few reports on this thread, and we think that given that lots of posters come to Relationships for support, often in a bad way and somtimes in an abusive relationship, this thread might be best moved. We're going to shift it over to AIBU in a moment. While we're here could we also politely remind everyone of our Talk Guidelines? Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, but please try to express it thoughtfully and civilly. Thanking you all kindly.

Can't remember the exact name of poster who mentioned upthread but as this is the Relationships board it is to be expected that the term EA and various other terms are used more than they would otherwise be - in RL or even on other boards.

--
This board represents a tiny minority in the big scheme of things but by the time someone decides to post on here things have reached a critical mass. Posters are often unsure or have been so worn down they have no real perspective of the situation they're in. As a collective we all draw on our experiences to advise the OP. For a lot of us that will include EA as we recognise the signs having been their ourselves. Take for example 'The Script', not every cheater follows it verbatim but it is also a commonly used term on this board.

I wonder if confused also takes issue with the terms financial abuse or sexual abuse or physical abuse being overused? Or if the OP is just hellbent on protecting EA as a sacred term?

how can she be the judge of when they're over used?

it's more typical that women who are being financially abused don't label it as financial abuse, but make excuses such as 'he's always been frugal' . We need permission to be allowed acknowledge that abuse happens, it happens often, there is an almost relentless torrent of women who are being manipulated and controlled and financially and verbally abused who post on mn to said ''am i being unreasonable?' and they genuinely do not know.

We need to be quicker to label abuse abuse. We do not need to hesitate to label it abuse.

I have witnessed 2 EA relationships, my parents and my sibling.

Outwardly it was very clear my parents were in one. My sibling's one is the complete opposite, I wouldn't know anything if they didn't give me snippets of info every few months, nobody on the outside would ever guess.

I learned the term EA on here and have pointed them in the direction of some pertinent threads. Unfortunately their confidence has been quietly but systematically eroded for so long now there is little to no chance of them getting out, they just can't/won't. They constantly oscillate between agreeing they are in one and wondering if they imagining it all

It is devastating to witness my hilarious, sociable, clever, witty sibling reduced to an anxious wreck, keeping up appearances, just waiting for the next episode.

I hope to fuck they don't come across this thread.