Bored of hearing women belly aching about 'emotional abuse' on here and in RL when most of the time the relationship has just run its course and clearly needs to end! Anyone else?

[confusedoflondon]

Just that really. 'Emotional abuse' is becoming a much over used term IMHO. People act badly particularly in relationships they may perceive themselves to be stuck in, that's life. Thoughts?

I love that Anyone else? on the end of your thread title. It's enticing...

so it can only be "emotional abuse" if a "qualified" person says so?

BTW I have seen threads here where someone has gone is this emotional abuse? and the reply has been a resounding no it's not. But usually someone is unsure if they are being abused and then provide a list of horrors they are being subjected to.

I've had relationships that have run their course and in that case, I think both parties weren't as respectful to each other as they could have been.

But I think that's a world away from how I've seen some friends be treated by partners and how women on so many threads on here are treated.

There's a huge difference between two people who no longer like each other being ratty and a consistent, ongoing, long term campaign of behaviour designed to beat one partner down.

I'm a bit ratty and tetchy with my wife and we keep arguing over stupid shit vs my husband locks me in the house every time he goes out - massive difference.

I think there is an element of truth to this but I don't agree entirely. I have known couples where one partner has acted in an emotionally abusive way but then when they've split up and got together with someone else they no longer behave abusively at all. Whether that is because second partner won't countenance it or because some people just bring out the worst in each other or something else entirely I wouldn't like to say.

But as for on here, I agree it's very rare for emotional abuse to be used incorrectly.

I could post my thoughts, OP, but they'd be construed as a personal attack an deleted.

Is this going to be a post and run, or do we have the slightest chance of enlightening you as to the nature of the misery that so many people feel they have to endure until that lightbulb moment when they realise there is a way out? Either you're incredibly goady or your own relationships are pretty dysfunctional.

@ merry and her problem with World of Concrete!!

of course we don't know your RL friends OP, and it's highly possibly your mates are overusing the term "emotional abuse"?

But it doesn't sound like you are empathetic or understanding enough to possibly know. And you'd probably get bored before anyone could confide in you what is really going on with them behind closed doors.

Out of interest OP, have you written the authoritative guide to emotional abuse? Perhaps you could post the link here so we could all cross reference before we declare any sort of behaviour to be emotionally abusive?

OP's disappeared.
How surprising.

If I was faced with a situation online and in RL where I thought people (with no connection) were all using a term incorrectly, I'd question my understanding of the term. Just a thought . . .

But to answer your question:

1. I'm not bored of hearing women talking about EA
2. I don't consider it belly-aching when they share some of their most difficult personal experiences
3. ime the term is used correctly in the majority of cases and if there are a few where it's mis-used but somehow the advice helps someone then that's a worthwhile mistake

Oh, and
4) there are lots of cases especially in RL where it should be used and isn't - so I guess they balance out any mis-use cases too

This thread was maybe started to goad and tease but reveals how monotonous MN can be. EA is bandied around at the drop of a hat. What about plain, unsullied RUDENESS making a comeback? Or lack of emotional intelligence that can be interpreted as abuse? Just a thought.

Not long after I joined MN I posted to ask the MN jury to deliberate on an argument i'd had with my H. The argument revolved around a sweet wrapper that had been left on the floor and he insisted I picked it up. He basically dictated what I typed including terms such as 'the house is a shit hole' (not true) but I made it clear he was forcing me to write these things. The fact that the incident had caused such a monumental row was indicative of a much bigger picture - namely that he viewed me as beneath him and it was my job to clean up after him and our DC and do all the 'womens work' whilst he enjoyed himself shagging many women behind my back.

I can't recall all the replies I got but I don't think emotional abuse was mentioned once. I did however, have several replies along the lines of trying harder to keep the house tidy. What posters had failed to identify was that it wasnt really about the sweet wrapper on the floor of an otherwise tidy house, he was being controlling and continually raising the bar for his 'standards' so that I could never meet them no matter how hard I tried. I was miserable but desperate to make it work. I didn't see it as EA at the time either.

The more posts I read, the more I could identify my own situation with others and started to recognise his treatment of me as EA. It was actually another affair that prompted me to leave in the end but because I understood that it was not my fault and his behaviour was wrong, it meant I didn't go back like I had after the other 8 affairs. He's still EA but I'm able to detatched much better now. I have been surprised at how common EA is.

But however it is labelled if you are unhappy why stay and for want of a better word complain about it. That's the bottom line

Well I can see you are dismissive of the label, but in fact there's a big difference between behaving badly in reaction to individual isolated situations and setting out on a campaign of sustained actions designed to belittle, hurt and destroy somebody else.

I suspect you have been too bored to read the threads as to why people don't leave. Often then don't reslise it's not normal. For years I minimised my rape and made excuses and then when I faced up to it I still question it.

On paper it's obvious to others but to me it's foggy and so confused.

People often think staying us best or have been conditioned to think they aren't good enough to stand alone or will damage family by leaving do they put others first.

Grrrrr.
Goady thread.

So the OP wasn't in an emotionally abusive relationship so no-one else either?

Grrrr

But schlong
EA is not a protected term. It constitutes many types of behaviours including rudeness and lack of emotional intelligence.
My experience of EA might not be your experience but that doesn't negate either of our experiences.

I honestly don't think the term is used enough. Many people will make all sorts of excuses before accepting that what they are experiencing is in fact EA.
Ime many people write off negative occasions as their partner just being 'rude' or 'inconsiderate' or whatever other term. I think the boiling frog metaphor is very apt in these circumstances.

Hello Confused. .can you make your views more clear? Maybe there are several definitions of emotional abuse. Can you give some examples of emotional abuse?
Also if people are just not ending a relationship that needs ending, why do you think the reason for that is?
And do you think that some people are more blessed/or naturally have high levels of emotional intelligence?

Maybe you're right Been. However I still reckon some examples given on here of EA are not. This over eagerness on the part of (predominantly) women to assume the mantle of victims of abuse is worrying I find and could end up trivializing the very real issue of EA.

However I still reckon some examples given on here of EA are not. This over eagerness on the part of (predominantly) women to assume the mantle of victims of abuse is worrying I find and could end up trivializing the very real issue of EA.

And who made you the judge of what constitutes EA?

I've come across this faux-concern many a time about 'trivialising a very real issue' many a time. It's a commonly used trick to minimise an issue - in this case abuse - and imply those who have experienced it either playing the victim or lying.

I think OP is in the extremely lucky position of having never been EA and so might not understand why it is often impossible to get out, or why someone might go back even if they do get out. Same as people who've never experienced depression might not understand why depressed people won't 'just snap out of it'.

I think I probably have a bit of a looser definition than a lot of posters, I do believe it should be at least a semi regular occurrence for a sustained period of time to be categorised as EA. I think a one of instance is just being a twat, not necessarily EA. I probably have read one or two cries of EA I've disagreed with based on the information given by OP but absolutely not the majority. And I would never vocalise that somebody's suffering was less than somebody else's and therefore not as valid. It all matters.

I don't give one tiny shit what you think, OP

You raise an interesting question OP, albeit in a rather agressive way.

Some terms are over used. EA is one of them. Some relationships are dysfunctional, including my own at times but neither of us is EA.

That doesn't mean our posters aren't experiencing EA relationships, indeed some things posters feel are quite innocuous seem frighteningly abusive to me.
It is useful to have a term to easily describe a damaging relationship.

If someone's in a relatively healthy relationship even if it's coming to the end of its natural life, they're probably not going to bother posting for advice on a Relationships board such as this. So of course you're going to see a higher proportion of more extreme relationship issues which have driven the poster to seek advice, so it therefore follows that the label of Emotional Abuse is more likely to be applicable to their situation.

I expect you'd come back from a honeymoon resort and moan about how unreasonably loved-up everybody seemed to be compared with other people you know.

I'm bored of those men who come on here belly aching about how wrong the women on here have got everything...Haven't they got BBQs to light?

I found mumsnet and the relationship board because my relationship had become intolerable. He wasn't EA just a twat. But the ones before that...
Let's face it how many of us end up on here in the first instance to share the joy of our wonderful relationships?
As said up thread by the time you post things have become intolerable. This board represents a very very tiny percentage of the population. Its not unlikely that women/men posting here are suffering from EA.
I see an equal number of posts where the partner/husband/wife is simply a twat and the recipient of the twattish behaviour is a mug/doormat and no reference whatsoever to EA is made.

I haven't read the whole thread, just OPs posts.

There are plenty of people that I come across in my life who I am not compatible with. It is not acceptable for me to abuse them. The bottom line is, abuse is abuse, no matter what the underlying causes are, and not being compatible with someone, or feeling like the relationship has run its course, are not reasons for treating another person badly.

I would rather that ten posters were told incorrectly that their partner is abusive, if it means that even just one woman gets the help, advice and support she needs to leave an abusive situation.

There is a scary acceptance of abusive behaviour in our country. It is all around me in my RL. Two close family members being repeatedly abused and continuing to accept it because "he is a good man really". It is being passed down, and I am watching it now develop in my 14 year old cousin.

It makes me very angry and very fearful for the world my daughters are growing up into. I don't give a shiny shite what you are bored of OP. This NEEDS discussed, it needs shouted from the rooftops. If it "bores" you then don't click!