Bored of hearing women belly aching about 'emotional abuse' on here and in RL when most of the time the relationship has just run its course and clearly needs to end! Anyone else?

[confusedoflondon]

Just that really. 'Emotional abuse' is becoming a much over used term IMHO. People act badly particularly in relationships they may perceive themselves to be stuck in, that's life. Thoughts?

Come on people, OP isn't interested in an actual debate...

Hmm. I can only go by my own experience really. I posted, many people responded that xh was EA.

It amazed me that people thought he was abusing me. With hindsight, it wasn't just EA, I couldn't bring myself to mention the DV and the SA that was going on. It was all so "normal" to me. The fact that other people wouldn't even tolerate the EA made me question everything.

The difference between EA and someone snapping is the sustained nature of it all, I think.

But either way, think it's EA or a bad relationship (and I think where the relationship is bad, both parties are capable of being EA), it's quite nice to have a thread that isn't only not bashing the LTBs, it's encouraging them :o

Alluding that a sincere opinion is a trick is abusive Twinkle. So are you an emotional abuser? In fact those tripping over themselves to shriek abuse are oftentimes guilty of just that. Who smelt it dealt it so to speak.

Schlong, now that's just stupid and goady.

Should've RTF before posting.

*I should've

My ex was abusive but looking back I think he was acting out because he was so deeply unhappy. He is very happy with his girlfriend now, will that last? who knows, maybe she be better for him than me.

There's a massive difference between calling behaviour abusive, calling a relationship dynamic abusive and calling a person an abuser. Most people have behaved abusively at one time or the other but people who regularly engage in/rely entirely on abusive behaviour are abusers. I would flip your silly argument on it's head therefore and say emotionally abusive behaviour towards a partner is common at the end of a relationship, abusers are less common but there are still far too many.

You need to understand abuse dynamics to understand this really; abusive behaviour stems from a belief that the person is entitled and/or justified in behaving that way - the end of a relationship could easily cause someone who has not yet indulged in abusive behaviour to start. It doesn't mean it is not abusive behaviour or that it is wrong to call it abusive behaviour.

But apart from anything else I think it is shitty to post this thread with this title on this board. Really shitty. If you want to offer an opinion on someone's thread you are free to and people are free to argue with you. To do this with vague allusions to other threads is nasty.

What's the agenda behind it? Why not post in chat? Why post in here?

Just to clarify of course I don't agree with people (men or women) being emotionally abused and never stated I did. Also, I don't believe raising a point is goading. We are (I'm assuming) all adult women/men here, capable of looking at all angles of posts and disagreeing or agreeing completely or somewhat. There is no goading and I haven't disappeared. Like the rest of you I have stuff to do as well as popping on and off here.

So to further clarify. I have one friend who has been truly and horrifically subjected to serious emotional and psychological sustained abuse, which has continued after splitting with her ex. I see a marked difference between her situation and couples who are clearly in crisis no doubt, clearly being treated disrespectfully (one way or both) but in most cases these couple eventually dissolve and the person goes on to either repeat with the next partner or live very happily in complete compatibility. That, in my experience and opinion (so yes I can speak from experience, no I'm not an expert on everyone else's experience but hey, neither are any of you) is not emotional abuse it is "a very dysfunctional relationship". I do think it is overused. And to those tell me to fuck off and I know nothing etc etc well… I don't even need to answer that really do I. That's your response and you're welcome to it.

for everyone on here who has experienced an EA relationship.

This remains a worthwhile debate no matter how it was presented.
We should be careful about labelling relationships on the little information and one sided view we get on here.

Most times it's absolutely obvious when it is an EA relationship but occasionally it's not so clear and then I would like to see us taking more time to find out before leaping to an EA label.

Also can I add - the MN gang mentality is a bit lost on me. This is my post and my opinion and one that I'm happy to explain in the time I have available to chat. You may not agree and that's ok, that's the beauty of discussion boards I guess.

Also to further clarify - my OP is 100% not aimed at any specific MN'r or specific situation on here however these are my opinions and beliefs of this on here and in RL and so those beliefs will naturally be evident in my posts.

OP then why come on this board and post your OP?

I'm not sure if you understand that this is an OPEN FORUM and You are under no obligation to post or read, you could simply log off!

Alluding that a sincere opinion is a trick is abusive Twinkle. So are you an emotional abuser?

You mean 'implying' not alluding. Who's to say it's not a sincere trick?

If I'm abusive: are you playing the victim or are you just lying?

This is my post and my opinion and one that I'm happy to explain in the time I have available to chat.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm not personally interested in your opinion nor can I be arsed to listen to you explain it.

I have never seen a 'bellyaching' thread on here. That doesn't mean it hasn't happened; maybe it has. But in my experience, what is far, FAR more common is threads titled something like "Is this abuse? Confused" in which the OP goes on to describe some utterly dire situation which she cannot see as 'wrong' because she's been used to it for years.

Hmm. Just as you can post, we can comment. If lots of people disagree with you that doesn't make it a "gang mentality". We're not 12.

I got drunk the other day (oh yes) and I confided in a friend a lot more about my relationship with xh than I had previously.

She confessed that she'd had me in your category of "making a big deal about a dysfunctional relationship", and she now understood that xh was an abuser. Most people will never know the full story. Very few do. Even my closest friends have a sanitised version.

Who are you, op, to judge those who "deserve" the term? Who are you to say, "that wasn't bad enough"? How do you know that you know the full story?

We can all agree these relationships should end regardless.

And just because you're not compatible, does not make abuse palatable or justified.

You still cannot extrapolate the experiences of your own friends to the circumstances of people who post here for help and advice, confused.

If someone is regularly doing things to make someone uncomfortable, either deliberately or unthinkingly, then that relationship dynamic is abusive because someone is being harmed. Yes, some women are horrifically abused, while the abuse that others receive is more insidious. In the former case, the abused person is battered, in the latter, they are gradually emotionally eroded. In both cases, harm is being done.

The experience of the former does not make the experience of the latter any less real or valid, though. The experience of people who experience a constant flood of verbal poison does not mean that those who are wondering when they will next be on the receiving end of a noxious blast should STFU because their experience is one that falls short of some imaginary cut off line and therefore isn't really abusive because hey, they went a whole week between lectures about how disappointing they are.

There is no Top Trumps where abusive relationships are involved.

Emotional abuse happens in many, many different forms; some of it can be subtle and insidious. Not everyone is able to 'get' subtlety.

Your OP is harsh on a forum where people are posting about problems in their relationships. It seems you want to start a fight. The place for that is AIBU.

You say you know of one abusive relationship. This is astonishing. In fact the correct figure about the amount of abuse in relationships is one in four.

Ouryve, completely agree.

I'm with whoever called GF initially, I think it was you Atenco. I think this could have proven to be a useful debate and a lot of it has been. But something about the OP's framing just seems to have had an agenda from the start.
You've sussed me out confusedoflondon this whole "gang mentality" that you refer to is actually just me and my pet guinea pig controlling of all the accounts that venture into Relationships. Please don't tell anyone. I've been getting away with it for years.