Bored of hearing women belly aching about 'emotional abuse' on here and in RL when most of the time the relationship has just run its course and clearly needs to end! Anyone else?

[confusedoflondon]

Just that really. 'Emotional abuse' is becoming a much over used term IMHO. People act badly particularly in relationships they may perceive themselves to be stuck in, that's life. Thoughts?

You say you know of one abusive relationship. This is astonishing. In fact the correct figure about the amount of abuse in relationships is one in four.

It's not really astonishing.

I know of zero abusive relationships.

Abuse doesn't happen in the open. People in normal life don't talk about it, admit to it, accept it.

I don't doubt they are happening. But I can't think of a single, ongoing relationship I know to be abusive.

Hang on!

I was promised dandelions.

imjustahead

WTAF?

Bath time - emotional abuse and other forms of abuse are becoming more talked about. This is why in schools there is much more openness about bullying for example. It is thankfully normal now to talk about it, although there is still some denial of it, by many people.
You and confused are very lucky people to not know of any/very few relationships affected by abuse.

I didn't say I didn't know relationships affected by abuse.

I might know many. I presume I know some.

But I don't know which ones, I don't know for sure that any of them are.

It's not remotely astonishing that a person might only know of one person who has been in an abusive relationship.

What is disappointing is that they imagine that says anything at all about the prevalence of abuse.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse

Anyway, we have, as is often the case in these sorts of threads descended into nonsense. It usually happens when the OP pops in once in a while to launch a grenade, leave, then come back later with thinly veiled attacks dressed up as opinions. I was more than happy to listen to the premise of the argument but OP's points come across very 70s America: 'yo mamma is so fat....'

Haven't you ever noticed that some people are much easier to bully than others, Confused? When someone has vulnerabilities or is very sensitive, people who love them try not to distress them. People who say they love them - but are abusive - pick on those sensitivities. It might not look or sound like abuse to you because you don't share their particular weak points. But the bully knows exactly what they're doing.

People can tell me I'm fat these days; I'll cheerfully agree. XH2 tried finding weak spots in my body image, but I hadn't any. (He found other things instead.) The reason I'm impervious on this front is XH1, who made my anorexia a whole lot worse with his 'good-humoured ribbing'.

Horses for courses. What wouldn't bother you might be crucifying the recipient, quite deliberately.

NO, DON'T TAKE THE GUINEA PIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So could somebody offer a definition of what emotional abuse IS? I'm not saying I don't believe in it, although I do have some sympathy with the OP. I often find myself wondering what exactly is the difference between EA and people just not being very nice to each other.

And to those tell me to fuck off and I know nothing etc etc well

Well - the reason that people tell you to fuck off is that a thread like this can in fact make people who ARE being emotionally abused or who suspect they are, resist posting in case they bore you a little too much and get it in the neck for posting. Thus possibly falling into the trap of keeping their own trap shut just like the person who is emotionally abusing them wants.

So for that - you need to understand that only boring people get bored so bore off if it bores you so much.

I partly agree Confused, there is a difference between relationships where both partners display equally abusive behaviour when it goes bad, and relationships where one partner is emotionally abusive.
I have friends in both situations but those in emotionally abusive relationships are scared of upsetting their partner, and there is often an imbalance of power.

Wacka, I think a lot of the difference is fear. Or as we said in a recent campaign at work "If 'love' causes fear, it's probably an abusive relationship".

Spreadsheet updated!

There are many Charities who can provide details of abuse. Also they can provide statistics too.

I think the term is sometimes used lightly. But constant put downs by partners are not acceptable. And there are people who delight in this.

Agree. Completely overused which makes it difficult for those truly suffering emotional abuse.

It has become a cliché.

Twinkle your arrogance and twisting of words seems typical of an emotional abuser to me. Kindly back off now and avoid another tedious risposte. It's so undemocratic to so knee jerkingly challenge a voice that diverges from this group think. Op is right to voice this as I've noticed this prolific use of EA tag by the usual suspects and everyone unthinkingly falls in line.

One factor common to emotionally abusive people is that they always have to 'win' and will use any and every strategy to do so. If you are in a relationship with an abusive partner, you will find yourself giving in more and more and more, because standing your ground will mean your life becomes hellish - the partner will punish you in a variety of ways. You learn, steadily and surely, to obey, submit, shut up, 'try harder' - only the goal posts move, again and again, so you are never entirely comfortable and no matter what strategies you try, you are never, ever, ever allowed to win.

Schlong What was it you were saying about the "over eagerness... to assume the mantle of victims of abuse is worrying I find and could end up trivializing the very real issue of EA"

Turns out you were talking about yourself.

SolidGoldBrass your post reminded me of a song by the Smiths, that I hum to myself when I think of my ex

"Good times for a change
see, the luck I've had
can make a good (wo)man
turn bad

So please please please
let me, let me, let me
let me get what I want
this time

Haven't had a dream in a long time
see, the life I've had
can make a good (wo)man bad

So for once in my life
let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time
Lord knows it would be the first time"

Yeah don't read the threads if they bore you .....and don' t generalize about people and their relationship experiences.

Confused. I agree with you totally. While the term should be used for very real cases of horrible, intentional, abusive behaviour, and I don't doubt there are often very real cases of this discussed on here, it is increasingly used by some to describe their wife deciding the wrong film for a couple to watch or the husband "dictating" which take away the family should get.

It was inevitable that you would be shot down for such a statement. Just as it was inevitable that certain posters would appear , like flies on shit to rudely shoot you down. You did get some decent replies though, and not just those in agreement.

If someone is regularly doing things to make someone uncomfortable, either deliberately or unthinkingly, then that relationship dynamic is abusive because someone is being harmed

To describe a situation where somebody unthinkingly makes someone feel uncomfortable as abusive is ludicrous.

I agree that the term 'abuse' is thrown around too often here.

But I also agree that if it prevents one women from falling through the cracks, then that's the only thing that matters.

As others have said, better that 20 relationships are wrongly described as abusive, than one abusive relationship is missed.

You sound very compassionate. Someone turns to anonymity for help and support and it's time for you to start a thread exercising your freedom of speech, to which you are entitled of course. These poor women coming to terms with the end of their marriages/relationships. That's what most people think.

Twinkle read Solidgold's post immediately before your last one and it describes you to a tee. T for Twinkle. Classic trait of abusers is they just gotta have the last word and won't ever let you win. Cue.....