To expect SAHP to make more of a financial contribution?

[6hearts4humphrey]

Just want to check this out before I broach with DH. He is a SAHD, has been for 7 years, DC’s now at primary school, youngest is 8. Had a really bad month money wise and had to clear out what savings we had, think emergency house repairs, white good needed replacing, birthdays to name a few.
I’m fed up of always watching the pennies due to only having one wage coming in. He does earn a little bit of money (maybe 100-130 a month) making things but the hourly rate is probably half minimum wage. He has always wanted to take us on a big family holiday so that money is being saved for that, usually we go camping.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable now to expect him to work 10-15 hours a week to bring in around £400. This amount would just be the difference in making things a bit less tight. He doesn’t really want to, I think he quite likes his life as it is. AIBU?

Would you have child care in the school holidays? Or would you like your DH to work at night or weekends?

I don't think YABU at all.

I think the pressure on a sole worker in a household (male or female) is unrelenting and exhausting.

Yanbu, why can't he work while the kids are in school?

On the face of it YANBU. Have you raised it with him? What does he say?

Yanbu. If things are tight and your youngest child is 8, I think it's time for him to start looking for something a bit more substantial. Whether that's more of what he does now, or trying to find something else that fits around the childcare. What does he suggest? And is he doing all the housework at the moment? (I would hope so with kids at school). If so, are you willing and ready to do a bit more in order to free up some time for him to work?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, and I would say the same if you were a man.

It's great for one parent to stay at home and one to work as long as it works for everyone.

It clearly doesn't if you're penny pinching, and can't see an end to it.

If your family needs more money coming in to keep comfortably afloat, then it's both of your problems to sort out. In your current situation, it woul seem that the onus is on him to increase the overall income.

Holiday/after school childcare is pretty easy to come by for school aged children - it's certainly not a barrier to working in itself.

I was thinking he could work maybe a couple of evenings, or a few hours during the day, or some hours at the weekend, anything really. We have some family close that could help out a bit if asked.
When we spoke he says there's not much about and that we should maybe cut back, but I don't really want to cut back as I don't feel we live extravagantly anyway. He does have a very small business now like I say but it can be a lot of hours for not much money.

Yadnbu and I am a sahm

It really depends on whether there is anything he could do that would fit the bill and not interfere with his ability to take care of the children. Is he qualified at something that he could do as a freelancer? Is there casual work available in your area that would still allow him the flexibility to take time off if one of the kids were ill? Would you mind him working evenings and weekends and reducing the amount of quality time you can spend together and as a family, and how would he feel about that? If he is unwilling to even countenance the idea, then YANBU to wish he would, but if his options are limited then there's not much either of you can do about it.

I would think that it is reasonable to have an adult conversation to work out how you both as a couple feel about the finances, how you both view the changing needs of the family and how you both envisage contributing to make finances, home life and work life balance.

No where on the marriage certificate does it say that only one person gets to worry, sort or be responsible for home/finance (man or woman).

Whether your DH will approach this in a mature, reasonable, family spirited way or not only you could predict.

From experience with finances try at all costs to avoid the "you need to help me with" conversation and the "you don;t contribute to the family" conversation. Try to keep to the "we have a problem (finances) what shall we plan to do about it?" conversation and steer away from blame and put downs. All to easy for one person to feel unappreciated and the other to feel put upon.

good luck

I think we do share the housework (he may beg to differ). I do the washing + sorting, gardening, money side, change beds, bathrooms, help with homework and muck in where I can.

I think the main issue is that he is ok with money being tight and I'm at the stage where I am fed up with it.

YANBU

I don't think you're unreasonable to think he should go back to work. I think you might have unrealistic expectations of what he will earn though. You're talking £40 an hour. Even if he is a qualified person who could have got that amount before his career break it's been so long he would need to update his skills before he could expect that sort of money again. I think more realistically you'd be looking at £100-150 a week.

I think the OP meant working 10-15 hours a week to earn £400 a month, which would be more like £8 - £10 an hour. Correct me if I'm wrong OP...

Sorry I meant work 10-15 hours a week to bring in £400 a month.

I'm another SAHP who agrees with you. If money is tight, it's unfair that your DH won't look for work.

I don't think it's unreasonable for a sole earner to have a conversation with their partner about sharing the burden of earning. Not at any point.

However, it does seem noticeable that you expect him to go out and get a 'little job' to bring in some pocket money. How would you feel if, instead of getting a job 10 hours per week at convenient times, he wanted to start or resurrect a career with far more demanding time requirements? Maybe he is resisting because, frankly, interesting jobs you can get at 10 hours a week fitting around kids and from a standing start are rarer than hen's teeth.

I am in much the same position as him. The thing is, 10-15 hours a week, that happen entirely within school hours so as not to require childcare, nor eliminate family time at the weekend, are thin on the ground. even if he found one, it is probably on a zero hours contract, meaning that even if he starts out with an expectation of those hours, soon enough you will find yourselves scrambling to sort out him being scheduled afternoon, evening and weekend hours without resorting to takeaway meals and other conveniences to replace the lack of him at home, just this once, just this week.

Realistic options would be to take on a child minding job that can be fit into his current habits, increase his hobby earnings by doing that work more often and more efficiently. Or possibly improving his DIY skills to reduce unexpected outgoings of the sort that knocked you back this month. all of those will generate expenses before increasing any income or savings though.

Basically, until you both are ready for him to be able to committ to full-time daytime, or longer part time hours because the kids are more independent and no childcare is needed when you both are working, he is kind of stuck.

'Interesting' is less of a consideration when you're on the bones of your arse Penguins.

Presumably any career or prospects he had have taken a hit for you to pursue your career?

I am a SAHM and it is so difficult to find a small job just around school hours. I have no family for childcare. But saying that if my partner did not works shifts I would probably put in for an evening job.

There is one I want, but as my partner works shifts, it is impossible.

I wish there was an easier solution.

I think you're either a SAHD or you're not because real life doesn't really take SAHD and their part time efforts into account.

Are you hoping maybe he can step up the hours in the job he does from home op?

I work from home (will continue to do so when our first dc arrives) and I can be fully in charge of how much work I take on, some weeks I work 70 works, others I work barely ten. Depends how much of an expensive month we have had/ how well I am feeling etc.

Is it possible for him to earn more money from home?

A little job is all well and good but are you willing to take on board the possibility that his new job will involve unsociable hours, school holidays, after school hours etc? In my personal experience these are issues that a parent who has previously not had to deal with tends to take for granted when they have someone at home full time. If he pulls his weight in a financial way will you pull yours in a practical way?

Oddfodd - yes, but the OP isn't giving the impression of being on the bones of her arse. She's talking about wanting to saved for a 'big family holiday' and him working "a couple of evenings". If someone was totally broke I'd be expecting them to be talking more bluntly about how many hours they could, between them, fit around childcare. Not a little 10 hour job.

It still sounds a bit to me like the OP would like some extra money for discretionary spending, but still thinks she can have the advantages of a SAHP.