To expect SAHP to make more of a financial contribution?

[6hearts4humphrey]

Just want to check this out before I broach with DH. He is a SAHD, has been for 7 years, DC’s now at primary school, youngest is 8. Had a really bad month money wise and had to clear out what savings we had, think emergency house repairs, white good needed replacing, birthdays to name a few.
I’m fed up of always watching the pennies due to only having one wage coming in. He does earn a little bit of money (maybe 100-130 a month) making things but the hourly rate is probably half minimum wage. He has always wanted to take us on a big family holiday so that money is being saved for that, usually we go camping.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable now to expect him to work 10-15 hours a week to bring in around £400. This amount would just be the difference in making things a bit less tight. He doesn’t really want to, I think he quite likes his life as it is. AIBU?

dust what about when the DCs are too old for CM and too young to be left all day during the holidays?
And our local childminders all have 6+ weeks holiday a year (1 week Oct, 2 weeks Christmas, 1 week Easter and 2 weeks summer) plus bank holidays.
If you are expected to work bank holidays and get 5.6 weeks holiday a year you have to take some alternate holidays to your DP. (I know one couple who can't take a family holiday together)
Due to the nature of my DPs job he can't take holiday during school holidays (gets 2 weeks in summer if he is lucky -he has one this year) so one of you at least has to have holiday flexibility....

I know it isn't impossible but I think it is harder than a lot of people realise/think ahead too.
(I know when DD1 started school all I thought was I'm going to save a fortune ... then the reality hit me. I did save a fortune but the juggling got 100x harder)

It can be difficult being a SAHP. Last year it was suggested that I look for work as DH had been made redundant and started his own business. Fine, was happy to do that. Started putting feelers out and sending off CVs. In the meantime, DH now has full time work again and I'm getting job opportunities that I really like the sound of. But, as we have a 3yo, I now can't go for them. I feel a bit like shouting "make your mind up! what do you want me to do??"

Why can't you go for them Shelagh?

Dh works alternate shifts 10-6 and 2- 10. One Mon a month is 6-2, two Fridays are 6pm-6am sat. Two saturday s are 6-2. DD is eight. I'm on a zero hours contract,6-2pm. This doesn't work during the hols so i do every other week. We have no family to help with childcare, she's too old for a childminders and the hours we would need one are too few and all over the place. There is a breakfast club at school from 8am. No regular after school club.
I've had one day a week work for the last few weeks meaning I'm only bringing in £200 a month.
I feel crap knowing dh is working his bollocks off and I'm not but there are no jobs round here.
If your dh can get regular work that fits round your shifts and doesn't impede on childcare, great, take it. But I wanted to put the other side, its not always that easy to do.

Dust - that would be hard work. It wasn't an option when the DC's were younger but now DH has about 6 hours DC free each day except for school holidays. All my annual leave is taken in the holidays too.

Hermione, in theory that's true but I don't think as much housework gets done as could be possible. I do the washing and sorting, change beds, bathrooms, weeding/planting & watering in the garden, finance stuff and muck in at the weekends with tidying and homework. Big sorts out (i.e. DC toys and clothes are done by me. No ironing has been done apart from school uniforms by DH for about 4 weeks, we just pull bits out as we run out.

I think this thread would have taken a totally different direction if the stay at home parent was female.

Given what you say you do in the house, what does he do? There doesn't seem to be much less other than shopping and cooking.

YADNBU.

DH works, I don't but I do 90% of what I can in the day and try and take the pressure of DH as much as possible.

Row, I do appreciate its not going to be easy, my concern in that DH doesn't want to do anything much. Last year an opportunity to work 7 hrs on Wednesday and Saturday mornings came up but he was not interested. GPs were able to help out with the Wednesday during school holidays.

He does want to focus on his own small business but that is not bringing in much money for a lot of hours worked really. So it takes up a lot of hours and even less stuff gets done so I pick up more housework, with not much benefit to the overall finances for us. My hours are regular at least, I am out of the house 4 days a week for 12 hours.

Breadmaker, he does all the cooking yes, and weekly shop and picks up bits and pieces needed in the week. Also mostly in charge of the dishwasher and keeping the living room/kitchen tidy, mows lawn, sorts out any activities for the DC, bins.

Rainy, would it be unreasonable to expect a SAHM to find some part time work in our situation, or reasonable to wait until the DC were older?

If you can work the hours between you then yes, he should have taken the hours. I went back to work when DD was six months so we shared work and care. We worked opposite shifts and didnt need to psy for childcare. We did it more for my sanity to be honest!
It may be an unpopular opinion but when I'm not working I don't expect my dh to lift a finger as its my job. As a sahm I did everything. It worked out to the same hours as dh did at work. I thought that fair.

I think you need to have a serious talk about the business - where does he see it going and when does he see it making a decent return. Otherwise he could potter along with it for years.

I also think you should let go of this 'stay at home parent working' thing. What is reasonible is for him to go back to work, on at least a part-time basis (but possibly full time if he wants to). So if his business is not going to be his 'job' what does he want to do? Not wanting to do anything paid ever again is not reasonable, but neither is expecting him to fit his entire working life round the kids if that limits his options to crappy jobs.

YANBU to feel the situation has to change

I think this thread would have taken a totally different direction if the stay at home parent was female. Yes if you read the thread, all stay homes mums on here, me included would get some type of job if money was needed.

Clutterbugsmum is spot on. I suspect if your DH working full time he would have expected you to find a part time.

I have 2 DC and started back to work when my oldest was 5. It was 2 evenings and all day Saturday (16 hours in total). When the youngest started school I worked for the same company during school hours but during the holidays I was allowed to do 2 days and 3 evenings (I know I was lucky)

Boss changed and it wasn't an option anymore so I had childcare to pay in the holidays but even if all your wages go in childcare in the holidays you are still earning in term time.

Can he sell more of the things he makes?

I'm honestly torn on this. I think that you have to acknowledge that in sah he has saved you lots of money in childcare and there is a lotbto be said for going to work and never having to worry about ehat happens when the kids are sick/school holidays.

I also think it's unfair if a sahp is expected to do a boring min wage job, so they can still be available for the dc, while the wohp gets to maintain a mentally stimulating career. Especially if they've done all the tough baby years at home.

That said, it sounds to me like you are doing a lot of the work that normally falls into sahp territory, so are getting the worst of both worlds, especially if you don't have a fab career that you love.

On balance I think yanbu. You didn't agree to him being a sahp indefinitely. If you are willing to accept that your working life will have to change in order to accommodate his working life and to juggle that new responsibility, then yes, I think he should be looking for work now.

I think something people are forgetting is that the cost of basic day to day living has gone up and awful lots in the last 7 years and older dc are more expensive in food alone let alone clothes, travelling, school costs etc.

It sounds like the SAHP is perhaps no longer affordable. The other bonus is that the level income suggested would all be tax free so even more worthwhile doing.

One of the other reasons I returned to work and continue to work is so my dc realise/accept/expect that the normal is working as an adult regardless of gender.

The title of the post is completely inappropriate however from the circumstances described the SAHP needs to start working/earning more from their business. The dc are all of age when they are more than capable with helping out with the household chores. Internet food shopping saves time etc.

IF the SAHP wants to cut back on expenditure then perhaps they need to write a list of what can be cut back on and how much that will save.

The other question to ask is when does he intend to start working full time? When the youngest is 16,18, 21, never?????

Bearing in mind state pension are going to be different to now does he expect you to support him forever without him ever earning? Again that's ok if you agree it and earn enough for that to be realistic.

The longer someone doesn't work the harder it is to get back into a role that is relevant, not minimum wage etc.

I'm in my early 40s and I expect DH and I will be working until 70. I really don't think we'll ever get to "retire" unless we live long beyond that.

of course he should be looking for some work to bring in a bit of money

I've always worked around the kids school times and holidays and its been a stream of dead end, boring, frankly crap jobs I've taken. BUT its brought in the £400 a month that has kept us afloat. I've worked weekends/evenings etc, washed dishes in restaurants/ironed/dog walked/ cleaned, you name it, I'll do it, if it fits in with the kids. And I have no family at all to help us out, no childcare at all.

your dh is being extremely selfish and needs a kick up the jacksy.

YANBU I am a sahm and I intend to go back to work once the kids are in school. I love being with my kids and spending time with them and for them not to have to go to a childminder or private nurseries etc but once they are at school it's completely different. As much as I love my kids, I also want some time where I can be an adult again iyswim, not just mummy. Plus bringing in extra money would not only benefit us as a family but give me a sense of pride in providing for the kids. Surely he would want this too? Maybe he's just got so used to the routine of not working that the thought of going back is daunting. Definitely have a long serious talk to him about it. Good luck

Faux, I do get the benefit of a SAHP with regard to work - no doubt there, however feel I don't with regard to the household stuff. That's why I think if he goes part time there wouldn't be much less stuff done and in the house and I could reasonably pick some more stuff up.

Random, no it's not an option for me to support him forever, really there would be no reason for him not to work FT once the DC are teens.

I think he has got into quite a nice routine, here was this week from what I can gather, Monday morning at DC school to watch some awards followed by tea/cakes, tues spent trying to fix something in house (didn't work but would have saved us some money if it was fixed), weds and thurs working on his small business, this week's profit is £25, Friday preparing an activity for cubs sleepover which he also helped out with until 10. He did do the usual stuff, cooking, bins, general tidying downstairs and dishes.

Random, just with regard to cutting back, he doesn't spend much at all, he never goes out, buys only new clothes when the others have holes in. He is ok with that. However, I also haven't bought any clothes this year, we've been out maybe twice to the pictures. Also there's things the house that need doing which are getting embarrassingly overdue.

He keeps mentioning a new car - ours is 10 years old and going fine. Also remarked yesterday he'd love to take the DC to Spain - we can't even get to the Isle of Wight this year!

Whenever I mention the lack of cash he suggests we should cut back on stuff but I don't think there is much to cut back on, neither of us have hobbies, the DC so some basic stuff like cubs, nothing really costly.

I thInk you are too nice OP, i wouldn'be so nice in your shoes tbh.
You seem to do a lot housework too.

People on mn always talj about 'interesting' jobs. In real life many people work to pay the bills and their job is not a hobby. We would all love to earn from a hobby but we have bills to pay so we do the dull jobs.

If he had a good career before then he must have some goid skills which means it is possible to do something flexible or something from home.
It also depends on where you live. Big city or village?

What roughly was his section, what are his skills?

Laquitar, he didn't have a good career before he gave up work, it was general office stuff. We live in the south east, a well populated area, I commute to London but that would be too expensive for a low paid role.

it's hard to get a job that fits in around the children's day. obviously more money is always better than less money but in my case, i knew i couldn't earn enough to pay for the childcare. different situation, I was a sp.

it is also very hard to get back in to the job market, employers lack imagination ime.

So ask him to think about trying but don't blame him if it takes a while to find a job that will work.

OP has said they have grandparents who are happy to help!!