To expect SAHP to make more of a financial contribution?

[6hearts4humphrey]

Just want to check this out before I broach with DH. He is a SAHD, has been for 7 years, DC’s now at primary school, youngest is 8. Had a really bad month money wise and had to clear out what savings we had, think emergency house repairs, white good needed replacing, birthdays to name a few.
I’m fed up of always watching the pennies due to only having one wage coming in. He does earn a little bit of money (maybe 100-130 a month) making things but the hourly rate is probably half minimum wage. He has always wanted to take us on a big family holiday so that money is being saved for that, usually we go camping.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable now to expect him to work 10-15 hours a week to bring in around £400. This amount would just be the difference in making things a bit less tight. He doesn’t really want to, I think he quite likes his life as it is. AIBU?

Wouldn't!

It sounds like he's got it quite easy and will probably resist change.

School age children and it sounds like you do loads of housework OP! He needs a very gentle rocket up his backside really.

Gaslight, that's my fear.
Arethere, I don't mean to make a joke of it. I'm actually getting very resentful. I got upset in work the other day and poured it all out to my boss. She said the situation wasn't fair. That's when I posted a thread on here to get some honest opinions.

Phew. It's a great idea to post here; get your head all sorted and calm and ready for battle!

And it will be a battle.

Working and looking after children is not easy but of needs must. I didn't want to have to work after a day at home looking after a child (other one at school by that time). Even tough both mine have left school I still do not work full time (work 4 days) as when they were still at school it was easier to make appointments such as orthodontist etc on my day off. If they offered me a full time role now I would take it. He doesn't need to find a full time job.

The situation isn't fair and if if the boot was on the other foot your DH would be calling you a lazy bitch and I doubt you could have delayed it as much as he has.

I think he is being unreasonable having no involvement in finances but spending on credit and assuming you'll find a way to make it work. That does need addressing.

However I don't agree that he should make a financial contribution just because your children are older - absolutely he should if you cannot afford the lifestyle you have / want, but not if it's just that you're resentful of earning all the money and don't see his contribution to family life as equal.

I'm the full time wohp, I also do all the cooking and help out with homework at weekends (if I'm not at work). Gardening we share, laundry is DH and boys together and cleaning is done by a cleaner. He does all the finances although I have access to the accounts, he juggles all the day to day money.

On paper it looks like DH has a cushy setup but he works just as hard as I do. He doesn't get paid for it but that doesn't mean it isn't as valid a contribution.

With his attitude to finances, is there a danger that things could actually get worse if/when he gets a job?

In his eyes more money coming in would just mean more money for him to spend. The fact that he was working could mean that he would feel even more justified in buying that new radio/car/gadget.

I suspect that even if he were earning £100k, he'd still be wanting to spend more than you could afford.

OMG he really is in cloud cuckoo land. What is going to happen if your car needs expensive repairs that you can't afford?

I think you need to brutally tell him that you don't have enough money each month and his hobby "profit" needs to go into the general pot and that his dream holiday will not be happening because it's beyond your household means.

I would also delegate the food & household shopping budget to him in it's entirety - even if that means giving him cash for the month. Take the credit cards back.

He's taking the mick now. Dh has hobby money when we have spare. He works hard for it. We don't have a joint account. I pay what bills I can,dh covers everything else because he knows we work as a team.
Dh knows I don't earn a lot but he knows I do my best. Bit of effort goes a long way and I'm not seeing the effort from your dh. 3 yrs?!! You're going to have to support him for three years while he watches you struggle.
Nip it in the bud now!

I'm also a SAHM, DH is expecting me to get a job whenever Ds2 is in school (in 3y time then). But I'll be 50 by then, so even less employable than most!
However, I do have a self-employment trade that I will go back to, although it won't bring in much, I don't think, especially as we're not in a very affluent area and it's a bit of a "luxury" trade.

However, recently he's been getting the arse when doing his share of the household stuff (cooking dinner 3x a week and washing up once or twice a week) and saying I should do all of it or get a job now and he'll be the SAHD for a change. So, since we don't want to put DS2 into childcare just yet, I thought about it and suggested that I get a job stacking shelves 6pm - midnight at the supermarket (a few of those available) but then he'd have to do dinner every night, and do the boys' bath and bedtimes, something he never has done except when I've been in hospital. Guess what - his reaction was pretty much what the PP's DH's was when told he'd have to do school pick ups every day - "what, every night? No way!"
Luckily we are in a relatively comfortable financial position at the moment so I don't need to work, it's just his resentment that I don't sometimes.

I think some dads do think that SAHP is just "time to themselves" with a little bit of childcare thrown in, rather than a full time caring role for their children, and they get the arse when they realise it isn't.

OP, your DH needs to sort himself out. If he doesn't want to get a job, then he needs to find some other way to support you in the moneymaking - what would happen if you fell ill or had an accident or something?
I do understand that he might not want to increase his "making" thing, because putting time pressure on something often takes the fun out of it and ruins that "thing" for you; but he needs to find something if you're struggling financially.

Why can't he get a job, and your DCs go to after school club? Its what a lot of couples do, even single mothers manage it. There is always a way. you may have to really push the boat out re. getting a job but it will happen if your DH really wants it to. Once the DCs are in primary school there really is no excuse. You are definetely not BU OP, and I dont understand some posters who are speaking as if wraparound childcare is your only option. Of course it isnt.

Its almost as if the thought process is, unless your DH is going out to get on the rung of or continue a high flying career then why should he work? That is so wrong...there are men and women who work as school dinner ladies...when family income is needed they do what is necessary. Where has that ethos gone...? Since when is it OK for a man not to work just because he has to do the school pick up and drop off? I think women are encouraged to cater to men too much, at times.

Financial burden is horrible OP, I hope you can tell him how you are feeling and why, and you can get this sorted out between you.

I think some dads do think that SAHP is just "time to themselves" with a little bit of childcare thrown in, rather than a full time caring role for their children, and they get the arse when they realise it isn't.

I think that's true of babies and pre-school children, but surely not by the time the kids are at school? At that point, it's fair to say that SAHPs do have quite a lot of time to themselves. Of course, it depends on how the housework is split as well, but even if they do everything, it still wouldn't take the whole day.

There is nothing wrong with SAHPs having time to themselves btw, but I think it's hard to see it as a full time job when the kids are in school.

I think it makes sense to deal with this issue now as your youngest will not need you more as time goes on (although I have friends who swear they are needed more in teenage years than toddler.....Im a bit hmm about that to be honest)

Your DH and you need to sit down and talk about finances in general. Include likely future costs (house/life and kids/uni/bigger school trips etc) and likely future earnings. I would hope that DH would realise that although he may only be able to go back to work PT at first and it would be limited, the best thing to do is to get back into working life now as he'll then have some improved prospects once your youngest is older and more able to be flexible with his care after or before school (clubs etc) I found this really kicked in after age 11. I had an 8 year career break and worried through it as to how on earth I'd get back into work, as I felt I needed to to support the family. I did voluntary work on and off through that time and it really counted towards getting back into the paid stuff, in fact, I even managed to ratify a membership of my professional body with purely the last year of voluntary work as it counted towards years of experience. I have been back at work now for 5 years and don't regret it for a second. It turned out that my DH was delighted too, from both the money side and from the conversational side.....I'll be flamed for this but I do think you get mildly inwardly focussed and (whispers) boring when you're a SAHP for too long.

shush some people are boring, others are not. Don't think employment status has any bearing on it tbh. It's more about showing interest in the world and the experience of other people. For as many sahp who only talk about their kids sleeping/feeding habits, there are as many full time workers who drone on about their dull as ditchwater jobs.

As for the 'teenagers need you more' viewpoint, it's more that they need you differently. When your dc are tiny you think they will be capable of doing more for themselves as they get older. I think we don't always anticipate exam stress or issues with bullying or the hormonal stuff that some kids really suffer with.

As a sahp of school age kids I do have time by myself during the day. I think my 'working' day just takes place over different hours to someone who does a 9-5. I do all the pack lunches/school run in the morning and after school all the cooking/bathtime/homework. My days are peaceful but my mornings and evenings are full on. Dh gets to come home and not deal with any of that.

Of course lots of working parents have to do both, so share earning money and the house/child stuff. And they get the benefit of two incomes and not having all their eggs in one basket. It's swings and roundabouts though. Point is you both have to want the same thing for it to work.

I do think OP that he needs to work because you are doing too much at home and he is doing too little and the bottom line is that you can't afford for him to not be working.

Kampeki, yes, I think you're right about that, I was projecting from my own situation where I still have a pre-schooler, sorry