To expect SAHP to make more of a financial contribution?

[6hearts4humphrey]

Just want to check this out before I broach with DH. He is a SAHD, has been for 7 years, DC’s now at primary school, youngest is 8. Had a really bad month money wise and had to clear out what savings we had, think emergency house repairs, white good needed replacing, birthdays to name a few.
I’m fed up of always watching the pennies due to only having one wage coming in. He does earn a little bit of money (maybe 100-130 a month) making things but the hourly rate is probably half minimum wage. He has always wanted to take us on a big family holiday so that money is being saved for that, usually we go camping.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable now to expect him to work 10-15 hours a week to bring in around £400. This amount would just be the difference in making things a bit less tight. He doesn’t really want to, I think he quite likes his life as it is. AIBU?

How many DC do you have?

Do you work set hours?

What are your expectations as a family? What did you discuss at the outset? What will childcare costs be and , consequently will you qualify for funding and will you qualify for extra financial credits? Are you just fed up of being the main breadwinner? More information needed here .... And you need to talk.

Thanks everyone, it's great to see some other perspectives. If he wanted to work FT that is something we'd have to make work. He did give up work to look after the dc and I stayed in mine. I don't have a high flying career by any means just earned more than him so it made sense for him to give up work. He did have a good job years ago before he met me but didn't like the stress so was happier to take a lower paid role with less stress.

If you're youngest is 8 then childcare will get easier in the next few years if your other children are either at or are approaching an age where they can take on a bit more responsibility eg after school for an hour. That's the good bit
Just talk to him about it maybe with a loose plan in mind and possibly a target - that 'big' holiday perhaps. He might actually want to go back to work but wonders what you think about what could be a major change?

I agree with the posters above, if your DP goes out to work the dynamics of the family have to change. I had 3 years as a SAHP but I have found a term time only job but it still requires some juggling with DH and family with some early / late hours and some inset days not matching up. There is a balance between what you can earn and the costs in child care. However it's nicer having more income and DH isn't shouldering bringing in the whole income. I enjoy working and getting out. Has he tried to look for work? Has he lost his confidence a bit?

"We have some family close that could help out a bit if asked."

There's a big difference between helping out a bit and regular and reliable childcare. At the very least I think you both need to look more closely at what the actual cost of childcare will be.

He did have a good job years ago before he met me but didn't like the stress so was happier to take a lower paid role with less stress.

Then I would look to the above as an indication of whether he would ever wont to be employed 'properly' and if being a SAHD is the ultimate cop out for him.

I would love to be a SAHM. However, we can't afford that luxury so I work. My DS1 has ASD & DD is just 3. DH works 9-5.30 Monday to Friday, so my only real option for now is to work evenings & weekends when DH is at home to cope with the DCs.

TBH, comments such as "I can't work weekends as that is our valuable family time" really piss me off. Everyone wants their family time. Working weekends doesn't mean you don't want to spend time with your family .

You probably need to be thinking longer term. You are getting by now, but what do you want you both to be doing in 2-5 years. New job your Dh, or you, or both of you? His hobby as a real business? The kids are of an age to be specifically taught jobs and expectations in line with being caring for themselves/younger sibs afterschool in 2-5 years time, so that DH can return to work in whatever capacity. Better use of his daytime hours might be retraining or building the hobby up.

A pin money job now could cost the family in all sorts of little ways because it disrupts 'the system' of childcare, chores and meals. It could actually interfere with creating a stronger framework for DH earning decent money in future.

Oh, and to answer the OP (sorry) - YANBU to raise the need for extra income with your DH.

We are not on our uppers, no, just would like a bit more money coming in just to make things a bit easier, have a bit of a buffer for the unexpected.

The big holiday is his dream and it will take years to save for as it stands. We have 3 DC. The plan was that we both carried on working when DC2 came along (him 4 days, me 5 days) but then DC2 turned into DT's and so he gave up work to look after them once my maternity leave ran out.

Before that the plan was that we would both work and I was studying to be a teacher so would change career to be able to have holidays off with them once they started school. I do work set hours and can work one day at home.

TBH, comments such as "I can't work weekends as that is our valuable family time" really piss me off. Everyone wants their family time. Working weekends doesn't mean you don't want to spend time with your family angry.

Nobody is saying that. What they are saying is, it's a big thing to give up. You know it is, because if you guys didnt HAVE to do it that way, you wouldnt. If a weekday job with hours and income enough to solve childcare issues came along, you would jump on it, wouldnt you?

Unless the need for a second income is dire, any couple of parents would try to avoid creating the situation of simply alternating who is parenting and who is earning during each shift and never having time when both are home. Of course everyone who already has a schedule which allows for time to do things as a family, whether chores or outings, wants to maintain it as much as possible.

I think mostly you are being reasonable. But, as a SAHP, I would prefer to go back to work full time and have a "career" then have to provide all the flexibility of a SAHP for my high flying partner and juggle my own "lesser" job. If he goes back to work will your career still be prioritised over his (I expect it has to be to some extent because you will be the main breadwinner) with him doing a more menial, perhaps dead end job and covering all illnesses, pickups and drop offs etc.

Yadnbu!!
He needs to pull his weight more; of course he likes life as it is at the moment.
But it's not fair.
As an example - I consider myself a sahm, but I actually work about 8 hours per week, bringing in £500 per month. I do all the hw/gardening/admin/everything. My youngest is only in preschool 15 hours pw. I still think I have the better end of the deal.

Momagain, I do worry about the future, it's of course great to have a sahp and we are lucky we have managed it for this long, but I wonder if DH will ever want to get a FT job again. His hobby could be a real business with some effort but again I'm a bit disappointed that he doesn't want to push that more as that is something that can easily fit around the DC.

I would be happy to have a bit less family time, if it meant a bit less financial juggling, however maybe I am being hasty and should just wait until the DC are a bit older.

YANBU. No doubt he does quite like his life as it is, especially if the children are now at school so he can largely do as he pleases for several hours a day. There's nothing wrong with a parent continuing to SAH after the children have started school as long as both parents are equally happy with their lot in life. If one partner enjoys all the benefits of the situation whilst the other shoulders all the stress that isn't fair and equal and it needs to change. The same applies whichever parent is at home.

If he can get a 9-5 job near home then the most that you will have to pay is after school club which isn't a hardship at the dc's ages and not for long once they are at high school.

I would imagine a pt 24 hour a week job with extra studies for a couple of years would give flexibility while building his cv and furthering his skill set then he has something more. When the dc are at high school.

It must be hard to get motivated to do something as big as going back to work when you have had dc at school for 3 years and time to yourself and while it is hard to juggle all the childcare, household tasks, life in general when you are both working having the financial safety of two people working is a godsend. If one person is career orientated and is making a good salary that comfortably supports the family and the other wants to stay at home and all parties are good with the arrangement then fine but it is unreasonable to expect your oh to support you financially when things are tight and dc are in school.

Yes the breadwinners job tends to take priority and pragmatically some jobs take priority over others eg any job that depends on being present at set times - teachers, dental assistant, working on oil rigs.

I don't understand why he can't get a full time job. Plenty of people do. Yes, school holidays are a pain in the arse, child care is a pain in the arse, but it isn't impossible. It just isn't.

Because as a family they chose for one person to sah and take themselves put of the job market. It would be different if he wanted to do it but it's a bit cheeky for he earner to feel they can dictate when the other parent stays at home and then the moment they start getting a ft job. Op not saying that's what you're doing, you asked for opinions and have taken them on board.

A little job, 10-2 term time only, with all inset days and snow days and sick days off......

Not many of those.

On the face of it, YANBU (and I am a SAHP to school age children).

However, you do need to consider before and after school care, holiday care, sick children, INSET days etc. also, as others have said, jobs to fit around school hours are not exactly plentiful!

Encouraging your DH to expand his "making things" business might be the best option to try first.

YANBU to have a conversation. You need to accept taking on proportionally more childcare including time off unexpectedly for sick children and time off even if awkward though. Self employed jobs and part time ones can be less flexible in some ways, in that if you have to go to a trade show/ client as a self employed person it can wreck yourbbusiness if you keep cancelling because you do all the sick child days off care, and employers of part timers expect them to be in all their days as they only work part time anyway - part timers doing school hours are easily replaced as so many people want those jobs...

As you both agreed to the arrangements you currently have, and his time as a SAHP will have impacted what he can immediately get employment wise, you do need to be on the same page about how him going back into employment might work and understanding about it not being that easy to find a job quickly esp without potentially investing money in retraining.

That said YANBU to feel the current arrangements are no longer for the best and to want to change the sole earner / sahp dynamic, and to make that clear.

When totting up his financial contribution, don't forget to add the cost of holiday childcare and before/after school childcare. That is money you are not paying out because he is at home.