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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect SAHP to make more of a financial contribution?

140 replies

6hearts4humphrey · 11/06/2015 20:50

Just want to check this out before I broach with DH. He is a SAHD, has been for 7 years, DC’s now at primary school, youngest is 8. Had a really bad month money wise and had to clear out what savings we had, think emergency house repairs, white good needed replacing, birthdays to name a few.
I’m fed up of always watching the pennies due to only having one wage coming in. He does earn a little bit of money (maybe 100-130 a month) making things but the hourly rate is probably half minimum wage. He has always wanted to take us on a big family holiday so that money is being saved for that, usually we go camping.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable now to expect him to work 10-15 hours a week to bring in around £400. This amount would just be the difference in making things a bit less tight. He doesn’t really want to, I think he quite likes his life as it is. AIBU?

OP posts:
cailindana · 12/06/2015 07:27

I think you're both BU. Going back to work after being a SAHP is hard and as others have said, the prospect of going from being your own boss with total flexibility to doing a low-level low-paying job and having to juggle everything is not attractive. So if you're expecting that from him then you need to state clearly the ways in which you're going to play your part in making that work. I went from working very pt from home to working 20 hours a week and the agreement was that on the two days I'm in the office DH is responsible for illness and pickups. I'm happy to work, I love it, and it makes our lives far easier financially but there's no way I'd do it if DH didn't step up. Equally your DH is U for not considering it.

Chuckitinthefuckitbucket · 12/06/2015 07:40

If I'm honest, if you're stuggling a little bit for money I think suggesting he looks for work now your youngest is 8, is absolutely reasonable.
My dd is 2.5 and I had to go back to work, low paid, unsociable hours and pay for childcare when she was 1.5 because we needed the money. Yes it sucks but it is just part of adult life I think?

Mutley77 · 12/06/2015 07:45

It is only really something you can decide between you in terms of your shared priorities.

It wouldn't work for me to have one person at home all day when money is so tight. My husband would probably be less bothered....!

Original poster
6hearts4humphrey · 12/06/2015 08:05

Thanks again everyone for sharing your own experiences.

I wouldn't expect it to be easy to get a job either PT or FT but DH won't find one unless he looks which he isn't yet as he doesn't want to.

If he did get a job, once we knew the hours we could ask GPs to help out depending hours and I could work more flexibly sometimes.

I mentioned working a few hours as realistically I think that's all he would want to do, but appreciate that would be a low paid role. He never liked school and shows no interest in studying or training for anything which is fair enough.

We did agree to have a SAHP 7 years ago as the cost of childcare and commuting was more than he earned so we would have been worse off with two working. I would have liked it to have been a SAHP for a few years (I would like to be one now!) but the reality was that my wages could cover the bills and DH's didn't. It was agreed at the time that when the youngest went to school he would look for something, but the youngest has been at school 4 years ago.

Everyone's right that a conversation is overdue.

OP posts:
whois · 12/06/2015 08:27

A very sensible and measured post op, hope you can work something out.

DorisLessingsCat · 12/06/2015 08:28

I think that there have been some good points on this thread. Yes, sit down together to look at family finances and how they can be made more resilient but seven years out of the job market is a long time.

He is likely to be lacking in confidence and his cv won't be that impressive so you might have to be patient about when he does get a job.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/06/2015 08:35

YANBU

But I've been looking for a job like this (although I'm a little more limited because my DH frequently works away overnight so I can't do evening work) for the last 2.5years without success. So make sure that your expectations are reasonable re: your own local job market.

PerspicaciaTick · 12/06/2015 08:37

You might want to point him in the direction of vision2learn.com which offers free courses leading to level 2 qualifications in various work-related areas. Might give his CV a bit of a boost. A volunteering role (have a look on do-it) might also help his CV.

AlpacaMyBags · 12/06/2015 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 12/06/2015 08:49

Based on your most recent, yanbu. A talk is definitely long overdue. You had an agreement that he'd look for work ages ago, and if he wants to vary that it should've been discussed. You're jointly responsible for the fact that it hasn't been. He needs to at least be aware of what's out there and what the options are rather than just dismissing it out of hand. Armed with this information, you can then start to work out which, if any employment would be the most lucrative. And if it turns out that his contributions in the home save the family more than he could bring in, at least you'll know that.

I would also want to discuss pensions with him, which I don't think anyone's mentioned yet. You don't mention age, but with a youngest aged 8 and several years work experience before that, I'm going to guess well into the 30s, min. I'm also going to guess that he's not been making any voluntary contributions. Now would be a good time to start discussing it.

IvyWall · 12/06/2015 08:51

I took five years out as a SAHM, but starred working part time when they were both in primary school. I got an office job for two days a week and put the dc into after school club. I found this better than working unsocial hours as my Dh is often away and unable to cover childcare.

From a long term point of view, I think it is better for the OP's Dh to get a foot back in the working world now and then he can ramp up to full time again in a few years when the dc are older. I moved up to full time work when the dc both went to secondary school.

notsogoldenoldie · 12/06/2015 09:02

I'm a bit like this. I always had some casual work around dd but found it pretty much impossible to get "interesting" well-paid work after having been out of the career loop for so long. Your dh will probably find the same, although he doesn't sound particularly motivated, tbh.

Unless he's lucky I wouldn't underestimate how difficult getting back to well-paid work is.

sebsmummy1 · 12/06/2015 09:06

I am a SAHP to a 2 year old and am always prepared to go back to work if money ever becomes tight. The day DP gets worried about income I will immediately look for weekend work without a moments hesitation.

I think it's really bad form to allow you to use all the savings and be in a state if constant worry about money. I would say that regardless of the gender of the SAHP.

BrendaBlackhead · 12/06/2015 09:17

I'm with Tapasfairy and SoupDragon.

Also I have noticed that every time a dh suggests his long-term SAHM wife gets a job, he has already embarked on an affair. I wonder if this works the other way round?!

notsogoldenoldie · 12/06/2015 09:28

Brenda that's exactly what happened to me! What do you think the connection is?

BrendaBlackhead · 12/06/2015 09:32

I don't know, but the minute dh suggests I work on the till in Waitrose, I'll know he's got a floozy!

HermioneWeasley · 12/06/2015 09:40

Having a SAHP is a luxury which it sounds like you can't afford.

And with 2 kids in primary school there should be almost no housework for you to do - he's got at least 4 hours every day to garden cook, clean, shop and do washing.

BarbarianMum · 12/06/2015 09:43

I agree with you except for the 'evenings and weekends' thing. Its doable but it is a really shit way to live (esp as the SAH parent when you get to do a whole day of unpaid work then go to work) and it really kills off family time.
Instead I think you should include regular hours part time work in the mix, and suck up paying some childcare, or school hours working and redistribute the housework as necessary.

unlucky83 · 12/06/2015 09:49

I'm a SAHP with DC at school (do have a tiny little part time, work for home job).

I had a career - a full time job I loved - but gave up when DD1 started school and I was pregnant with DD2 because at the time DP worked very long hours at his business and I couldn't juggle any more.
Anyway DP sold his business and now has an 'easy' job, that in general he likes and we aren't short of money.
A couple of years ago DP suggested I went back to work so he could cut down his hours or maybe even he could become the SAHP. (There is actually a degree of unfairness about this -one does the really hard SAH bit with babies/toddlers then when it gets easier the other parent does it Hmm).
I don't think I should just get 'any job' to earn money as most that fit in with school hours etc aren't things I want to do. I looked at getting back into my career - almost impossible - but thought about trying to get a lower ranked job to get my foot back in the door. But it would have to be full time.
Which would mean that DP would have to take equal time off for sickness, to help cover school holidays and the big thing he works early shift -finishes at 1.30. I said I could drop off at school before work and he could do after school. His attitude - what every day? I wouldn't get any time to myself. Can't DC go into after school and then you could pick them up on your way home from work at 6? (Yeah right - that's fair!) He even changed his mind about being a SAH - he wasn't keen on the idea of picking up/dropping off EVERY day, or going into school for events, or taking to activities etc.
Finally those saying childcare etc gets easier - ime it doesn't!
For preschool it is the most expensive but easiest as nurseries are open 50 weeks a year, 7.30am -6pm...once they start school you have the before and after school and all the school holidays or childminder holidays to juggle. I think worse is ages 9-13 ish. Too old for CM, no after school club at high school, few suitable holiday clubs - or at least ones that run for a full working day (mainly seem to be 10-3 - and you need to get them there until they are 11-12) and too young to be left at home all day every day on their own during holidays. (I don't have family around though - and you can arrange things with other parents/friends but it does need to be reciprocated!)

Your younger ones are 8 - you have another 5-6 years before you can leave them during the holidays...

WyrdByrd · 12/06/2015 10:02

It was agreed at the time that when the youngest went to school he would look for something, but the youngest has been at school 4 years ago.

In that case, he does need to get his finger out!

I'd suggest looking at your local council/s websites to begin with for term time only jobs - it sounds like he's quite handy and lots of schools need premises assistants/managers, gardeners, maybe a design technology technician type role would suit him.

Yes, school jobs are highly sought after but they are out there and presumably you could manage for a while if you knew he was at least making some effort to find work.

Perhaps couch in terms of 'kids are growing fast, wouldn't it be nice to have a bit more cash on a day to day basis and also be able to put a bit extra away so we could do holiday of a lifetime sooner?'

Undeuxtwatcinq · 12/06/2015 10:02

It might be unusual, but couldn't he be a childminder to school age children? Male CM do exist.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 12/06/2015 10:06

There seems to be massive variation in the availability of wraparound and holiday care. Possibly more so than childcare for under 5s.

Cockbollocks · 12/06/2015 10:17

Yanbu, however you need to have a long talk about it.

I went back to work in a lesser job than before children, it meant school hours and weekends.
In reality dp wasn't keen on working all week then having children on his own at weekends. So I moved all my hours into the week - cue complete nightmare in holidays and if children were sick. I can't rely on him at all with the nature of his job and I was always the one expected to go off sick from my job if necessary (last minute emergency). My low paid job had zero flexibility and I found it really hard juggling the kids with it.
We were also in the position of not 'needing' the extra and I'm not sure it was always worth it.

christinarossetti · 12/06/2015 10:23

The SAHP in this scenario could surely do bits of his making things work during school holidays when the children are around? It's not like trying to work with toddlers around.

I don't think anyone is saying that interesting, well-paid work that fits in with schools hours is easy to come by, just that the worries about money and the future and finding solutions need to be shouldered by both parties in a partnership, not just one.

dustarr73 · 12/06/2015 10:49

As someone who worked evenings and weekends its really hard.You have the kids all day and then go to work.Them unsociable hours are a killer,you cant plan anything.
Only upside is you dont pay childcare and you are guarenteed someone always being home.But it does come as a price.

I think wiht an 8 year old and i dont know the ages of your other child is they are not babies so its only an adult keeping an eye on them.I think ft would be your best option,9-5 Monday to Friday and just pay for a childminder.And keep the grandparents for when kids are sick and you cant get days off.