... to think this is really tacky? Grief, funerals and Facebook.

[Minniemouserocks]

Sadly a couple of my friends have recently suffered bereavements, which I'm obviously sympathetic about. However, I can't help but be astonished by the amount of their grief that appears to have been shared on Facebook (I know - Facebook is the work of the devil and all that...). But seriously? Is it necessary to post pictures of your family outside the crematorium? To write post after cryptic post, inviting all manner of comments? Whatever happened to dignity in death? Maybe it's been playing on my mind more than it should have as I also have a relative who is terminally ill, very close to the end, and we have been planning her funeral recently. But I cannot ever imagine sharing anything about her dying, her funeral arrangements, or anything else on FB. So - AIBU?

what a weird thread. Apart from the massive insensitivity in telling people they're 'doing grief wrong' (because clearly the most important thing when you're struggling with loss is to do it elegantly ) I don't really understand the broader assertion that death shouldn't be mentioned on social media. Death is, sadly, part of life. A funeral is a community event in the same way that a wedding or a christening is. To act like sharing grief in a public forum like fb is somehow a sign of the decline and fall of morals gets it completely the wrong way round. It's modern times that treat death as a taboo subject, never to be mentioned - our grandparents generation would go around to a neighbour's house to offer their condolences and see the body and a funeral was a huge community spectacle. Grief is a part of people's lives, and since social media is one of the places where people live their lives these days, it's ridiculous to suggest that it shouldn't be alluded to there.

There's no need to be so rude though And you don't think that calling what people do during grief 'tacky' or 'crass' is rude? People aren't often functioning well after a loss, they do what they need to do to deal with it.

and those complaining about the thread will still post rather than hide the thread So you see the irony in that? You are telling those who don't like the thread to hide it, yet all we are saying to op is to hide the posts...op is complaining about the thread (on fb), instead of hiding it!

OP, grief has deeply affected your friend..it's a shame that you don't carte enough to help her with that & would rather hide her away than help her. I hope, in your time of grief, she doesn't criticize what you choose to do, or turn her back on you.

I am thankful that my friends helped me through & continue to do so whenever I need them.

I think it is obtuse not to recognise that whatever way YOU grieve, some people, on Facebook, are attention seeking drama llamas Then you scroll past it!

The5DayChicken Did you ask the person to remove them? I can understand if you don't want to be tagged or have photos posted of you, but that doesn't mean that the others have to stop posting what they like. They should be respectful if you ask them to remove your image though.

There are loads and loads of countries where funerals are routinely photographed and always have been. YY! I have seen photos from years ago where the deceased was bought home & laid in the "parlour" of the home, the room that was only used for best or funerals. Pictures that contain the grieving sitting by an open casket.

It's another to share everything with your hundreds of Facebook friends who you may not know very well and who may have met you under many different circumstances. Well, I don't have "hundreds of friends that I don't know very well" on fb. I am pretty sure most of the supported me in my grief, as I do in their times of need, whether that is grief or just pissed off at the world because they got a flat tyre.

bostonbaby That is so very different to grieving for a loved one! And in no way comparable.

I wish it had been OK to take photos after my Grandad's funeral. This was, AFAIK, the only time almost all his grandchildren were in one place, plus all his children, some of his surviving siblings and one of his great-grandchildren. It would have been nice to have a photo of it and I think it would have helped us all bond in the future.

If this had happened in the Facebook age then I think sharing a photo or two would have been fine. It would even have been in his honour because he was the reason we were there - the reason many of us existed.

He was a very old man and his funeral was more about a celebration of his life than oh, no, he's dead; I was said that he died - we were very close - but hell, everyone dies. And we missed the one chance of a photo of the dead man's kin as a group because of protocol.

Sharing photos of the casket, no. But otherwise? It's really quite sad that there's a taboo on photos which do actually, kind, matter.

It's not being nasty to say that you should filter the information you share on social media. no but to be fair that isn't what OP said - she called people who don't grieve in the appropriate nice Middle class/middle England kind of way "tacky"

And anyway, what you think people should do isn't relevant. They aren;t obliged to behave in a way that you think is "naice".

If you think people are being attention-seeky then you move right on and don't give them attention, you aren't obliged to join in with it but you equally aren't able to dictate what people should do.

How people grieve is a function of their personality and their culture. Best not to decide that your way is the right way because one day that might come around and bite you on the arse.

I don't think any particular way is the right or wrong way. However, I think that as in real life you would communicate differently to your oldest school friend, your great aunt, your 14 year old niece, somebody you met 5 years ago on holiday, and a work colleague in another office, so on Facebook.

Sharing everything with everyone (as some people do) is unwise and leads to some of the comments on threads like this.

differentname, you missed the bit where I posted:

It's one thing sharing something with a group, or if you are selective about who you 'friend'.

The only photo of a funeral I have ever ever seen on FB was of the multi- coloured camper van used as a hearse by a colleague for his (relatively young) wife.I think they took pics of the funeral so their children would remember it (she had been ill for years and planned the funeral herself). I found it a bit bizzare but in the circumstances...I've never attended a funeral (and I'm of a generation where you go to a lot) where anyone took photographs . I'd find it unbearably intrusive if I were one of the chief mourners . I've never been one for parading my grief ..But to each their own.

Though I take your point scifisam . A family group at the wake would be OK though you might all look a bit sombre?

Post Script
I dont see anything wrong in 'announcing' a death on FB though-as I did when my 93 year old MIL died last year, to my wider circle . Family and close friends had already been contacted . And I did reflect on how odd it was to lose the last member of that generation in our family.

Awful thread, as others have said.
Leaving aside the nature of what has been posted, can I point out, yet again, that people can post whatever the fuck they like on their own Facebook page, if you don't like it, tough.

Would never dream of taking photos at a funeral. I do though post memories/tirbutes on FB on DF birthday/anniversary. I do not do this to get aaah poor you comments but it does help others to know that I may be on a downer that day and to tread carefully!

Before you judge anyone you need to know the context, my dad died a few years ago, I was 24 he was 50. His funeral was a wonderful celebration of his life, we had karaoke, dancing and I bet there were photos taken. We wanted to remember my dad as he was when he was alive. It was an incredible day and we were all very respectful of him. I'm sure some people would say it was tacky to have kareoke at the wake, but in this instance they would be wrong. When he died I also put an announcement on fb. This was done after all family and close friends were told. This also suited us. My dad was a very popular man and this was the most efficient way to inform old friends.
I'm not sure how i would have felt if loads of photos cropped up from the day...I think knowing my dads character he wouldn't of minded, but everyone is different and you have to accept that without judgment. If you don't like it, you can hide posts!

A friend of mine and her 2 year old daughter were killed in a car crash leaving her husband to look after their 6 month old breastfed son.

She was from Ireland and lived in Norway and has friends all over the glove. I actually met her online. Most of our friendship was spent on facebook, so it's only fitting that we would post a tribute to her online. Her husband has been regularly posting about he is feeling as a form of therapy and to keep the connection with us, her friends alive. Through facebook milk donations have been organised, other projects and we have a memorial page where we can post stories for a book he wants to put together for her son.

If any of my facebook friends think that this is tacky, I don't care. They can unfollow me. It's a way for dealing with my grief and helping a grieving father and husband through his.

It's bullshit to say that grief is a private thing, really. Sharing grief is in fact a long standing tradition in the UK at least. Not just in Victorian times, but prior to this, grief was a public display that went on for a long time.

Would you say a Victorian widow wearing mourning jewellery and a black crinoline was 'over sharing'? Was a Tudor nobleman who commissioned a crypt with his dead daughters' image in marble 'attention seeking'? Are the Eleanor crosses 'tacky'? When your great grandparents closed e curtains in there homes after a death, were they 'showing off'? Of course not. Sharing grief on Facebook is actually a throwback to older ways of mourning, just using new media, rather than a new thing entirely.

*the curtains in their homes

I think you've been piled on unnecessarily here OP and I for one think YANBU. I don't see anything wrong with acknowledging a loved one's death on FB, however people do overshare massively. It's a tough one, everyone grieves in their own way... Perhaps I'm unnecessarily reserved and old-school but I wouldn't tag other grieving people at a funeral if I didn't know if they were or weren't cool with it first - I think that's pretty disrespectful tbh.

My Dad died a month ago.

I changed my profile pic to one of him looking healthy and fit.

I have a 'family' facebook page where I announced his death and the fact that we were not phoning around at that time but would be in touch. I later posted details of the service on the same page.

Some non-family people guessed what had happened and pm'd me with their thoughts.

After the service we took a few snaps of rarely seen cousins. No coffins, hearses or sobbing masses. I know people that were there took photos at the crem as he had a very unique, amusing, coffin.

Had they posted these of FB I would've been horrified. Possibly even unfriended them.

minniemouserocks I'm sorry that so many people have escalated this post to criticise you! I totally understand where you were coming from with your post.
If I'm right I hope I am! you weren't trying to deny anyone the right to grieve however they see fit. I didn't get that from your post at all. I did post earlier, i was photographed in church crying with my heartbroken DH, and the image was posted on FB for 600+ strangers to see, the day we laid his DM to rest. We felt violated in our grief to have that made public.

OP, I don't think you even said mentioned in your post that you have an issue with an announcement, a commemoration, or a photograph to honour the memory of the deceased. However you have been vilified on this post by certain people who seem to have jumped on the bandwagon and taken direct offence at your thoughts, even though you haven't targeted anyone personally. Because, The Internet.

MrsV I suggest you go and re read the op's posts again.

Thanks MrsV - I've actually only just caught up with the thread. Wow. It's certainly provoked a lot of interest. for you - I'm sorry for your loss.

To reiterate, I didn't set out to offend anyone. As I said way upthread, I was genuinely shocked by the pics a friend posted. Shocked because she's not normally one for oversharing and shocked because I've never come across funeral pictures shared in this way before. Given the family funeral we are currently planning, it just got me thinking that this is something we would never do. Rightly or wrongly, it would be thought of unfavorably by various members of the family. And yes - some of them would see it as being disrespectful. I asked a couple of unrelated friends what they thought of it and their first reactions weren't positive. Hence I was interested to see what the general consensus was.

I agree that many people have jumped on the bandwagon and the thread has spun out of control, as seems to happen often on AIBU. Much of what is now being written isn't actually in response to my posts. Anyone was has read the whole thread can see that I am not referring specifically to people who post to mark anniversaries and so on and that I have not been rude - it's not my style to name call and tell others to f*ck off because they have a different opinion from mine. My thread title was also deliberately explicit enough that no one could have started to read inadvertently.

Ok so one of my best friends from university died this week so this is a pretty current subject for me. I have shared some memories but not posted anything that is really oversharing but as my fb friends who knew my friend are spread around the country/ world then fb is a place to "talk" about the person we have lost. I cannot imagine I would post a picture of the funeral I wont lose my shit if someone else does.

Death is inevitable often undignified and universal. Everyone has a right to share their thoughts and feelings in a way that feels right to them. I have a right to think it is tacky or crass but I have no right to censure I am not the arbiter of taste and decorum on fb.and unless I am very mistaken neither is the op. I have found the block function very handy for facebook irritants.

I have been known to post a picture of my dad on the anniversary of his death ... He died when I was 18, my dh and my children never got to meet him, if I share a picture it helps me when his memory sometimes feels fuzzy and unreal after 20 plus years...

Reminders that people suffer loss as well as what they had for tea or an amusing picture of a kitten are not vulgar but normal because death is normal and mundane and horribly painful.

Could not agree with you more, Hedgehog. And as a matter of fact, grieving on social media is becoming accepted in the present age - some good articles can be found on it. I dread to think what I would have done without the kindness of FB friends from around the world when my husband died. Don't like it, don't read it - it's that simple. Disgusting to judge people for doing what helps them get through - it isn't personally hurting YOU, and you have the choice to look away, whereas the grieving person doesn't. I love seeing the funeral/graveside pics of friends - it gives me a chance to reach out to them, and I wouldn't dream of sniffily proclaiming that they're "oversharing." If sharing about a death openly isn't for you, fine, but don't shitcan others for doing it. Not everybody has to be like you.,

I am in agreement with people who use a death purely as an attention seeking hook, but is this actually what all of the people are doing, or are they just reaching out - only to be judged as "tacky?"

My cousin posted a photo of our grandmother on her deathbed (with cousin with her whitened teeth, fake boobs half showing and orange fake tan leaning over and cuddling her) with gushing message about her loss. It was vulgar and grandma would have hated it. Literally taken 2 hours before her death. Even worse was that my cousins in America found out from that post as due to the time difference the family was waiting for daytime.