... to think this is really tacky? Grief, funerals and Facebook.

[Minniemouserocks]

Sadly a couple of my friends have recently suffered bereavements, which I'm obviously sympathetic about. However, I can't help but be astonished by the amount of their grief that appears to have been shared on Facebook (I know - Facebook is the work of the devil and all that...). But seriously? Is it necessary to post pictures of your family outside the crematorium? To write post after cryptic post, inviting all manner of comments? Whatever happened to dignity in death? Maybe it's been playing on my mind more than it should have as I also have a relative who is terminally ill, very close to the end, and we have been planning her funeral recently. But I cannot ever imagine sharing anything about her dying, her funeral arrangements, or anything else on FB. So - AIBU?

I take and post photos of my 9-year-old daughter's grave. If people don't like it, they can fuck off. But to call me tacky and crass on a huge net forum just to big up themselves says more about them than me.

'hide the thread if you dislike it,like op said the title is pretty clear'

Why should I? Or anyone else?

Reading back, my post sounds really harsh. My cousin posts about every death she's aware of - no matter how removed she is from it - and endlessly too.

I was very upset reading about my uncles death from a post on Facebook and seeing photos of another relative's hearse, coffin and grave.

I don't think everyone who posts about death is attention seeking but she is and she doesn't think about who she's upsetting (I'm not following her anymore so I don't know if she's still doing this)

and those complaining about the thread will still post rather than hide the thread

your telling the op to block on Fb.take some of your own advice

Yeah, I agree with you expat.

Sorry about your daughter.

I'm complaining about the thread because it's one of the nastiest I've ever seen. It has really upset me, and I daresay I am not the only one.

Grieving is one of the worst things as it is. Losing someone you loved to pieces and knowing you'll never see them again - knowing that - it's just rubbish. I am afraid I don't know anyone else my age who has lost both parents; many of my friends still have grandparents alive. So I don't know if my behaviour is 'tacky' - but I do know I think judging it as such is.

Dads been dead a year now. If I'd seen this thread then I'd have been beside myself.

'and those complaining about the thread will still post rather than hide the thread'

Why should they? It's an open forum. She asked a question. People answered, that they think the OP is rude to start such a thread about a so-called friend, that they disagree, all sorts. It's the nature of MN.

Fairygardens, no one is being evil on this thread.
I'm very sorry for your loss.

Expat - I see your logic. But I wouldn't have thought she would post pics like that in the first place. She's surprised me. Like I said, I'll block her in future.

Yes, I do have the time to think about my relative's funeral Fairy. But it's a sudden onset condition, they've been given less than six months and they are also young. And to be honest, whether a death was quick or not, known about or not, I still wouldn't disrespect someone's memory by making it into a Facebook attention fest. I recognise that's not how everyone sees FB, and indeed, not how everyone perceives its use.

Oh, it's not evil to describe someone grieving as not dignifying their loved one? It's not? What would YOU call it?

'your telling the op to block on Fb.take some of your own advice'

And you're appointing yourself thread police. This is a thread on MN. I disagree with the OP, I think she's crass, tacky and rude. Why should I hide that? If I disliked a friend's post on FB I'd hide them. The OP is not my friend, and this is MN, not FB.

But hey, carry on trying to police it. You won't be the first nor the last.

Less than six months? You don't have a clue, do you? You can gauge their wishes in that time. You have the opportunity to put money aside. You can plan.

When you get a phone call one morning from your neighbour haltingly telling you your fit, healthy parent was killed in a RTA, you don't get that. Any of that. My dad, God love him, obviously didn't expect to die and so things were hugely complicated regarding his bank accounts, will and his money. I couldn't even afford the funeral initially - had to sell his car (had no money!)

It was without a doubt the worst time of my life. Worse than losing my mum as I was too young to fully process what I'd lost.

Anyway, I digress. I think people grieve differently and that's fine. I think people have the right to grieve differently and that's also fine.

But I will never see my parents again so please forgive me if I occasionally mention them on Facebook, won't you?

I think it is obtuse not to recognise that whatever way YOU grieve, some people, on Facebook, are attention seeking drama llamas.

Sometimes it manifests itself via public arguments, cryptic statuses, endless declarations of love, and sometimes it is manifested by over sharing of a sensitive subject like a death. Possibly not even of a nearest and dearest but of anyone and everyone who may be perceived as "like" fodder.

OP is not generalising, and it is not offensive to say that people like this exist.

' I still wouldn't disrespect someone's memory by making it into a Facebook attention fest.'

Good for you then. People do what they want on their own pages.

It depends. Some people find it helpful to reach out via social media and some people are so used to sharing pretty much every aspect of their lives (the ones who take a daily picture of their dinner, however uninteresting it is...) that it doesn't really occur to them that not everyone is comfortable with having their pictures displayed online.

A mate of mine recently lost her mum and posted an announcement on FB - it was clear that she uses FB to keep in touch with relatives and family friends as they are all over the country and this was an efficient way to let them know.

However, it's also true that some people are just attention-seeking, over-sharing twats. Posting photos of cousins you barely know or something like the family of a work colleague who died young all over your FB feed without asking the deceased's family if they mind is very tacky and selfish.

then why make it an issue about grief? Yes, some people on Facebook are idiots. That's one thing. But to bring grief into it and claim posts about dead loved ones are not giving the deceased 'dignity' tore right into me; I am not exaggerating. I feel like absolute shit.

thread police,if only

The OP made it an issue about grief as the incident in question was an issue about grief.

It's understandable that some who are grieving have come onto the thread and found it upsetting, but that's your particular situation giving you that particular connection.

The issue is about oversharers as I read it, not grief per se.

It's quite common in American to take photographs at funerals, even to have an official photographer.
It's not what I would do but I have seen some tasteful ones.

Fairygarden, I'm truly sorry if I upset you with my post. I personally think it's slightly different taking a photo of you and your friends all together for the first time in ages, and taking random shots of the crem like a wedding photographer would do the church etc.

Evening all
We'd remind that you that Mumsnet's raison d'être is to make lives easier.
Thanks

Well then why not say 'AIBU to think some people over hate' with this specific example?

I am sorry, because whilst I agree - how could I not - that some people are idiots with FB, that's because they are idiots.

But here there is a claim, a blanket statement, that to mention the deceased is denying them dignity. That's just such a nasty thing to say and it isn't even true.

You just don't always have time to get your head round absolutely everything and life goes on very quickly and sometimes I do want to say 'remember this really lovely man? Who played with us when we were little?' to my school friends. I don't say it as bluntly as that but it's my way of keeping them alive. I don't go on and on but every now and again, on anniversaries and so on, I mention it.

Trust me, no one wishes more than me I had photos I could share with you all where we are all alive. Every Father's Day and Mother's Day and as my friends get married and have new babies I see doting grandparents, proud dads and tearful mums. I'm happy for my friends. But at the same time my heart hurts when I see them. I can't believe someone could begrudge me raising a glass to two lovely people who just happened to die too young.

Over share, not hate

God OP, you must have extremely few firing synapses and the empathy of a rock to start a thread in AIBU about the rights and wrongs of grieving.

Whatever happened to dignity in death you ask? Well as you are obviously so very hard of thinking I'll tell you. Some people choose to grieve privately, if that is what you mean by dignified, and others choose social media to share their feelings as a means of gaining support. And you feel that you are somehow in a position to judge which is the right way of doing it?

Do engage brain before fingers before starting such insensitive threads in the future. There are ways and means of discussing grief on a public forum without doing it in such a fashion as to hurt people who are, by nature of the grief they are already dealing with, hurting already.

And shame on you all on this thread have pressed post to agree with the OP. Did that make you feel better? Or did you not consider your trite little YANBU does actually cause hurt to real people reading this thread, just a little bit more hurt than they are already feeling. How unkind.