... to think this is really tacky? Grief, funerals and Facebook.

[Minniemouserocks]

Sadly a couple of my friends have recently suffered bereavements, which I'm obviously sympathetic about. However, I can't help but be astonished by the amount of their grief that appears to have been shared on Facebook (I know - Facebook is the work of the devil and all that...). But seriously? Is it necessary to post pictures of your family outside the crematorium? To write post after cryptic post, inviting all manner of comments? Whatever happened to dignity in death? Maybe it's been playing on my mind more than it should have as I also have a relative who is terminally ill, very close to the end, and we have been planning her funeral recently. But I cannot ever imagine sharing anything about her dying, her funeral arrangements, or anything else on FB. So - AIBU?

Shall I make a comment about thread police or is someone else going to do it?

Thing is, I limit my mentions to maybe four times a year? Their birthdays and the anniversaries of their deaths.

I want to mention them every day, though. I miss them every day. I feel cheated every day. I feel devastated a year on from losing my dad, although I smile brightly and laugh merrily and I go through the motions and mostly I am happy as he would have wanted this for me, and I know he'd be proud I have a lovely BF and did well in my degree.

But I still feel so hollow, and now I feel like I embarrassed him somehow, even though he was dead.

Of course...Shame on me for not wanting to be tagged into public photos of me grieving. Shame on me for resenting that my uncle who loathed Facebook had his funeral broadcast with an album full of pictures. And shame on anyone else who wants to grieve privately but can't because another mourner's grief is more important than theirs.

its a tough one, whether we judge others or not in any time of their lives, but sadly we do that, and mumsnet is here so we can talk about how we feel about it

I personally dont get why people plaster every little thing over facebook, but.... i dont know - i'm sure no offense was meant by the OP - just confusion about over sharing or something

Fairy gardens, it is obvious from your passionate posts that you have not or could not have embarrassed your dad. I reckon he would be dead proud of you, hope that doesn't sound patronising, it's just that your posts spoke to me.

People grieve in different ways and the best thing to do is to let them get on with it. A relative of mine lost a parent recently and her FB is full of angels/heaven/candles etc, it's not my thing at all, but it's not my loss either - whatever gives her comfort is absolutely fine by me.

With respect to photos, When I was sorting out family photos, I came across a very old one (1920s) of my great grandmother sat next to her husbands gravestone. So it's not a new social media thing.

We had a million bereavements in a few years but only one figured on fb, and that was a memorial page for my bro, set up by one of his friends where many people from all over the world posted memories of him. That was nice actually. No photos of funerals appeared though some bint in the States kept putting pics of her bloody lingerie business on there. She and her other half had been v close friends of bro so I couldn't do much about it, but thought that it would ensure everybody else could see what utter cunts they were (they really were).

Thank you half, that really does mean a lot. I just know there is probably loads I didn't handle brilliantly, I know the funeral barely scratched the surface of what a lovely, lovely man he was - but I didn't know how long everything would take and I misjudged it and the funeral ended up being too short and I feel so bad about that because he was worth so much more.

I read a poem. I feel now that was inappropriate, it was just what felt right at the time, but now I bet some people were smirking at that. And I only chose one hymn I know he'd have liked - wasn't sure about the others.

It's just so, so sad. It was such a shock, and I just had no idea. The funeral directors were lovely and everyone was very nice but ultimately the responsibility all fell on me as I only have one sibling and he has learning difficulties so I had to care for him as well.

I really needed, relied on really, the support of my friends and they rallied round me and were so kind. I don't understand why the fact it's Facebook is an issue. It never occurred to me. My dad didn't have it and I doubt he'd even heard of Instagram or Twitter, and he'd roll his eyes at me using it and used to make sarky comments every time I was on my phone 'on Facebook again I see!' but I just don't think he'd have minded, I think he'd just want me to get support any way I could.

I am so upset.

some people, on Facebook, are attention seeking drama llamas.

And if you're friends with that kind of person on Facebook, then you are complicit in their nonsense by providing them with the arena in which they are able to pull such stunts. You can't then complain when they behave utterly in character about something like the death of a loved one.

In the OP's case, however, she said she was surprised that these friends had posted them, suggesting that any attention seeking on their part is an attempt to come to terms with the situation, to surround themselves with people who want to support them and to find some peace in a situation that is clearly difficult. Should they not remind their friends of what they are going through, perhaps in an attempt to gain some support? Should they feel guilty for needing an outlet for their emotions? Should they really feel as though they should be prioritising the possible upset of someone else over their own need to deal with their feelings? Different people cope in different ways - I think it's far more crass and disrespectful to criticise someone who is in that position.

My mum died five years ago, and my brother two years ago. Both of them were young (mum in her fifties, brother in his thirties), both died from sudden unexpected illnesses that should have been curable. Very occasionally I post something about it on Facebook, or on their walls. But the pain I rarely show on social media is a tiny tiny fraction of the pain I feel everyday, and if I posted about it every time I missed them or felt like shit because I couldn't talk to them, my wall would be covered in my grief. Fuck all of you if you resent the very rare times I can't keep it to myself, or think I'm attention-seeking. Until you've suffered a horrible bereavement, you have literally no idea how you will want to grieve, and if some of you posting "YANBU" have suffered such a grief, you're lacking in compassion and imagination to think that people might grief in a different way than you did.

Fairygardens: have you had any help or counselling? (This is NOT a case of 'you're disagreeing with people online therefore you must be mad) You sound very upset and also as though you don't have much support IRL. As well as that, a sudden and completely unexpected death can be harder to cope with than one people are sort of expecting.

And I'm sure what you did for your dad's funeral was fine - funerals are to comfort the bereaved so whatever seems right to you is right.

I do think mostly (as PP have said) that the Facebook thing can be a bit of an issue when there are people among the bereaved who don't want their distress publicized, yet others post photographs of them.

I don't think it's anybody's business to say how others should or shouldn't grieve. If it helps them deal with their grief, they should be left to it.

And I appreciate I'm being a hypocrit after sayingi think it weird for people to take pictures at a funeral. If it makes those people feel a little better about their loss, they should be able to carry on.

And if it makes others who are grieving feel worse?

Block them. Unfriend them. Neither if you have the right to dictate how the other grieves.

No, I know Solid and I did fly off the deep end there. Normally, I'm ok - it's just that word 'undignified' that really got to me. As my dad was so dignified at all times. Lovely, approachable, jovial, but certainly not the sort of man who would wear his heart on his sleeve. Even he cried at my mums funeral though. I was only seven and I remember being really unnerved by it.

Ultimately, there was nothing dignified about my dads death - his body was in an awful state, I feel I made a hash of the funeral and presumably for mentioning it on Facebook, but it is done now and I know above all else my dad wouldn't want me to mope and would have told me to throw his body out with the rubbish if I felt that was best! I don't go to the grave much either as it upsets me, and makes me feel sad.

It's the thought others might be judging me for it when to be honest it's hard enough some days as it is!

Blocking and unfriending happens after they've caused the upset. And it didn't stop there being pictures of me grieving on the internet. Or erase the knowledge that something was happening that my uncle would have despised.

Im totally with you there Coconutty. Im not a facebook user, I don't sneer at people that are though.

It's up to others to grieve any way they choose and you are coming across as a very nasty individual OP, so are the one's that are jumping on your bandwagon.

Really, it's like Anyang else you don't want to see on social media. My cousin posts endless "inspirational" pictures of wolves howling at the moon with trite verse attached. Presumably she finds them helpful when dealing with difficulties in her life. I don't want to see them, so I don't follow her. Another cousin posts complaints that her friends' statuses are passive-aggressive, or that they post too many pictures of their children etc - I post pictures of my son quite a lot, so when she says things like this, I just roll my eyes and ignore her. If she doesn't want to see my DS, she can unfollow me.

Wow, just wow! People expressing their grief are sharing for the oh Hun are they? Really? My mum is sharing as it is her outlet in the dark times having lost her partner of 45 years. If people do not want to see it, hide it simple.

Another example, my sister-in-law arranged my brother's funeral, and it was in a church with a vicar who blathered on about heaven etc. My brother was a staunch atheist who hated all forms of organised religion, and I'm pretty sure he would have been horrified. But guess what? He's dead. He doesn't know or care now, and grieving is for the living.

I have photos of my young children holding up their flowers that spelled out 'Dad' (my ex husband)

If people don't like it they can fuck off.

I also posted a pic of my ex husband cuddling one of our children two days before he died because it is a lovely picture. Some might think that is morbid but I don't really care.

I will grieve in anyway I want to thank you. Keep your stupid judgments to yourself.

There are loads and loads of countries where funerals are routinely photographed and always have been. DH has an album of his brother's funeral who died at just 5 years old. It's not macabre in the slightest.

Facebook photos are just an extension of that and, as others have said, you can't judge someone else's grief.

I find the "one year ago today I lost my dad/mum/brother/etc, missing you every day" statuses fairly odd.

Because it helped me. It also meant that people gave me a bit of support on a day where I needed it. People who wouldn't have known it was the anniversary of his death.

And you know what? I only have people on fb who cares for me (for the most part) so I assumed they were more than happy to read that it was the anniversary of his death.