... to think this is really tacky? Grief, funerals and Facebook.

[Minniemouserocks]

Sadly a couple of my friends have recently suffered bereavements, which I'm obviously sympathetic about. However, I can't help but be astonished by the amount of their grief that appears to have been shared on Facebook (I know - Facebook is the work of the devil and all that...). But seriously? Is it necessary to post pictures of your family outside the crematorium? To write post after cryptic post, inviting all manner of comments? Whatever happened to dignity in death? Maybe it's been playing on my mind more than it should have as I also have a relative who is terminally ill, very close to the end, and we have been planning her funeral recently. But I cannot ever imagine sharing anything about her dying, her funeral arrangements, or anything else on FB. So - AIBU?

I have been on the receiving end of this and actually, I don't think it was okay at all. My father died suddenly and after I knew all family were informed, I published it on facebook so that friends would know. I think that was fair enough.

What I wasn't happy about was after the funeral when I had gone back home a week later and was back at work, I logged on to fb and there was a large photo of my father staring straight at me. It was an album about my father made by my cousin, including photos taken at the funeral on her phone, none of which I knew about. It wasn't what I needed to see right there and then. Also, the album was all about how sad she was about losing her uncle, my brother and I were never mentioned. It was her loss, her grief, poor her. Her right to grieve my father apparently was much greater than mine to not be put in a situation where I broke down in tears in front of my colleagues.

She did the same thing ob the anniversary a year later. I have never quite forgiven her for it.

I find the sharing your whole life on fb strange

we have pictures of my great great grandfathers funeral. My granddad and his family at the grave, posing by the car they look like 1930's gangsters and do not look particularly sad in the pictures, then of the wake where they are obviously drunk. I think it was the norm to have photos taken at a funeral then

I have found this thread thought provoking to say the least. I probably identify most with hedgehogs. I don't enjoy fb and came off it 3 years ago.

However I remember when my DH died suddenly, my life imploded and I did some very very out of character things. One of which was that I shared my loss on a blog I ran at the time. I got a lot of comfort from the lovely comments and support. It was like a big eHug.

Yes it was massive "attention seeking" I admit. But I was so alone, in shock and hurting and didn't know how to handle things.

Also as a society in UK we tend to sanitise death. Other cultures are used to external shows of emotion like wailing, for days on end. In the Jewish culture a man will rip the lapel off his jacket to show grief.

So posting on Facebook as a reaction to grief doesn't surprise or offend me. Maybe my experience has helped me understand a bit more

I still hate bloody FB though

I lost my younger brother 3 years ago this Sunday. He was 28. I was just looking at his facebook page from the last few years and counting all the posts that other people have made.

I post to his page as my own way of communicating with him and it is very comforting to see our cousins, his friends, all posting messages to him at various points throughout the year, keeping him alive. And yes, on Sunday I will post on facebook about him. Because if me posting on my facebook page keeps his memory alive then that's what I'll do.

Having been through the grief and almost insurmountable pain that is losing someone you love that much, you stop giving a shit if people think you undignified, or tacky.

All that being said, if you are "facebook grieving" for someone you barely knew (i.e. grieving for great aunt maud twice removed who you only met once as a baby) for the sole purpose of garnering attention for yourself then it makes you a cunt.

But for those who are truly grieving, there should never be judgement as to how they do that. It is completely individual. When I see people posting to facebook about their loss, it makes me feel nothing but empathy and pain for them.

There are no rules to grief. I can't understand anyone who gets annoyed by a grieving person mentionning that they are grieving. But tjen I only have friends on fb, people I care about. Of course I want to know when they are bored, happy or sad.
I do agree that posting photos of others in a personal moment is wrong. But you bury someone you are in shock - I think photos are nice a visual memory that yes you did give them a good send off.
I was at a funeral recently where the deceased was a member of the St John's ambulance. The send off the other volunteers gave was jaw dropping. It was done with honour and love and a priviledge to watch. And the main mourners might have missed it - I'm glad there are photos for them. My dad took photos of grandparents funeral which I was too young to be at. He cherishes those.

the day my dad died I posted on a thread on here(a support one) I cam back to a thread that someone had started, full of posts .\my fb was the same,\it helped to know people were thinking of me, even for a second.
people deal with grief in their own ways and no way is right or wrong.

Tis but the modern way of doing things alas... I find it sad that people need to put every single emotion of their life onto social media... It's kind of vain but also therapeutic I suppose... Each to their own but funerals? Really? Particularly if the nearest and dearest aren't happy with it.. Think a social media code book is needed here ... If closest to the deceased don't want it then others should leave alone... Think we all ought to start asking the closest bereaved if it's ok to post an image... But that's not an easy question to ask is it... So if you haven't got permission then don't do it.

I put my mum's death on Facebook when she passed. After the funeral. I wrote that I had said goodbye to my mum and my best friend my inspiration. And that she was loved by so many. And every year on her birthday and anniversary I acknowledge her.

Pics. I didn't even take any. It didn't cross my mind. I was too much in a mess to even consider it.

My dad died 7 weeks ago, he had a stroke 12 weeks ago that ultimately led to his death. A week after his stroke I posted something on Facebook about the horrid time we were having, after his death I changed my profile picture to him, as it still is now. His funeral was 2 weeks ago. In the last 7 weeks I have posted the odd picture post about a loved one dying and a couple of sorry for me posts. I couldn't care less if no one responds, it is me expressing myself. If any of my friends or family find it tacky I would rather they removed themselves from my fb. This weekend is my dad's birthday. We are going out for a meal and remembering him in our way. I will wish him happy birthday on fb. It is my grief and I will express it how I like. I am finding this thread awful and upsetting, I really should hide it.

This thread is horrible, very judgemental, some peoples way of grieving is "tacky" ? So is gossiping about so called friends and relatives on mumsnet, really tacky infact.

And since when was sharing a scan photo "airing dirty laundry" for fuck sake!

I too posted recently on FB after losing my dad. It was just one post to say what had happened and how much I loved him and am going to miss him. The supportive responses from friends was comforting. I'm now wondering though if this was a tacky thing to have done. Perhaps it looks as though I was attention seeking..?

I'm so sorry for your recent loss DustyCropHopper - you must be very raw

My brother's birthday was 2 weeks after his death, it was a horrendous time. Even now, the period from mid-May through mid-July are pockmarked by various anniversaries relating to him. His wedding, the day he stopped chemo, the day I flew back to UK, the day we were told to start saying goodbye, the day he died, the day we cremated him, his birthday. All of these dates are embedded in my psyche.

I remember how awful I felt 7 weeks after we lost him. I am so sorry that you're feeling that pain.

Does anybody else think this might be one of the rare times mumsnet could remove a thread?

I'm all for freedo, of speech, but ...

Bollocks. Must remember then not to show the photos of dd's funeral to her little sister, who wasn't born at the time.

We had them taken, by a professional who usually does weddings, so that we could show her one day when she asked, which she did today in fact. Forgot that it would be tacky and crass. Stupid of me.

Judgemental, ignorant, fuckers. Enjoy your ignorance, and hope you don't ever see the other side of it.

A close friend died last year. She had been very active on Facebook and was part of a group which met pre-Internet. I was the first to find out because I saw her in real life on a regular basis, and I was able to contact most of our mutual friends via FB (not all of whom I had phone numbers for). The reason I did this was so they didn't find out through status updates on her page which were just starting to filter through from her immediate family.

As a result, a group of people who had drifted away in real life but remained in contact via FB were able to go to her funeral, donate to the charity of her family's choice and remember her at the wake. The only things we posted were a couple of pictures of her and one of us all at her wake raising a glass to her.

I was later told her parents were moved and pleased that an online community they had only been peripherally aware of were able to celebrate the life of their daughter. Several of us have also stayed in contact with them.

So yeah, Facebook can be shit, but it allowed a group of people who might not have known of my friend's death at the right time to mourn her.

A close member of my family in their early thirties died suddenly, completely unexpectedly two weeks ago. My whole family is completely shocked and devastated We have lost one of our own. My large extended family has used Facebook to reach out to the bereaved parents/partner and children in a show of support and solidarity that chokes me up every time I think of it. I live geographically far away but have been involved in the reminiscing, the tears, the arrangements and memorial, mainly thanks to Facebook. I know the bereaved partner finds it a huge comfort that so many people are 'there' with support when needed. A memorial page has also been set up specifically for sharing memories, photographs etc to show the deceased's young children when the time is right how wonderfully remembered and thought of their parent was/is. I can't imagine a more appropriate way for the horrendous circumstances.

People are crass. My cousin posted a photo of our grandma in her nightie without her teeth in just days before dying. I never said anything but felt it was so wrong as grandma would have been mortified. Noone ever saw her in her night clothes or without her teeth but dementia and illness meant she was bed bound and the picture also features my orange cousin doing her best Jordan pose over grandma's death bed.

When she died the same cousin did her emotional outpouring on fb. Only problem being half the family live in the USA and it was night there so they found out via fb. Cousin doesn't understand why that's an issue!

I have been on MN for almost 10 years now.

Don't think I have ever seen a thread as "crass" or as "tacky" as this.

What a classy lady you are OP to ridicule the bereaved. The irony is almost laughable. Almost.

And FWIW, I am not even on FB.

Ffs I posted a really long winded reply to this post but for some reason it hasn't shown up.

All I will say is yabu, everyone deals with grief in their own way. And whilst I don't agree with posting pictures of people mourning without their permission, it takes a special kind of asshole to act so cold towards those who are trying to deal with their loss in their own way.

What an awful topic. Why is this necessary?!
My brother died 6 weeks ago. I've posted about it, my sister in law has (she's not even big on FB but she saw the reaction to mine and got comfort from everyone's love and memories), cousins and friends. My posts include details of the funeral, an article and photos.
My cousin also took a photo of a group of us at the wake.
Frankly I don't care what you think. As someone up thread said, you've no idea of the pain behind the posts.

I am appalled by the awful posts in here. The loss of a loved one is so utterly terrible how dare any of you judge others and how they express their pain. You should be utterly ashamed of yourselves. It's reprehensible and frankly awful.

I find the idea of taking photographs of mourners outside a crematorium and then uploading them to Facebook extremely distasteful, and yes a bit crass.

Because?

No issues with weddings, christenings, similar?

Why the crematorium? I'm not saying you should - but why do you have an issue with others doing it?

YANBU. Who takes pics at a funeral? Tacky and disrespectful. Announcing your loved one has passed on Facebook is understandable but I find the constant tributes and memes etc following it to be a bit much. But then everyone grieves differently and if individuals take comfort in venting over Facebook and being comforted that way then who's to say any different?