... to think this is really tacky? Grief, funerals and Facebook.

[Minniemouserocks]

Sadly a couple of my friends have recently suffered bereavements, which I'm obviously sympathetic about. However, I can't help but be astonished by the amount of their grief that appears to have been shared on Facebook (I know - Facebook is the work of the devil and all that...). But seriously? Is it necessary to post pictures of your family outside the crematorium? To write post after cryptic post, inviting all manner of comments? Whatever happened to dignity in death? Maybe it's been playing on my mind more than it should have as I also have a relative who is terminally ill, very close to the end, and we have been planning her funeral recently. But I cannot ever imagine sharing anything about her dying, her funeral arrangements, or anything else on FB. So - AIBU?

I really think the OP has totally misjudged this. She is the one who is being totally inappropriate here. FB has many flaws, but people using it to share memories and experiences of their bereavement is one of its better uses.

Yes there will be one or two people who perhaps use it in an inappropriate way like the "orange cousin" above, but seriously to judge all people's use of FB to share and communicate is BU.

Our family got a lot of comfort sharing memories and pics of my elderly FIL when he passed away last year.

I wonder whether some on here want to make death a taboo subject, the bereaved sometimes experience a sense of shame, being ignored and shunned by those people who have issues themselves with death. This is what seems to be going on here.

When my father died, in the last year, my sisters and I did not post anything on facebook until after the funeral. I only posted when his obituary was published, which was meant for family only, but for some friends it was the first they had heard he had died and it was suprisingly nice to have their support and comments.

I would have been horrified if any of the family had posted pictures of the funeral.

I have never seen this from anyone I know on facebook and am suprised that people do it.

I have removed friends who post what I view as inapropriate postings, I would probably do that with friends who posted funeral pictures.

I'm recently bereaved. Iosg my husband suddenly in February.
I am lonely. Facebook helps. It's a way of connecting with people; talking to old friends I haven't seen for a while. Of course I talk about my husband and his death, and share photos.
YABU and insensitive to the bereaved.

I'm so sorry WhereDo

Grief can be VERY lonely and I can't imagine how losing a spouse or God forbid a child must feel.

Where it really becomes an issue is when the two opposing points of view are held by people who are equally close to the deceased. (Obvious example would be siblings who have lost a parent). Some people are more reserved and fonder of their privacy than others: some find it comforting to be very open. Don't forget that it's just as unkind to bludgeon a recently bereaved and very private person with the insistence that they make a public display of their distress as it is to sneer at someone who expresses his or her grief in public.

I agree with that Solid and I think that there needs to be a combination of consideration but also acknowledging, I suppose, that people do do things because of them, not you. I mistakenly upset my brother as I commented on an old photo of my dad on my 18th birthday, not realising it then appeared at the top of his newsfeed. I apologised and he said 'it's ok.'

Such situations can be resolved civilly and kindly but not when using loaded words like tacky and undignified.

If the op had said 'Aibu to think people should remember their audience on FB' or similar I'd totally agree, but she didn't.

YABVU, I have two mothers on my Facebook who lost their child one was 15 and died from Cancer and the other mother had two of her children involved in a car accident, her daughter died and her son was in coma for a while they both post daily or almost about their loss and I could not imagine in a billion years telling them (or thinking) that they were tacky, inconsiderate and attention seeking FFS they lost a child !

There is no good way to grieve a child, a friend or a relative, and people who find time out of their day to ridicule those persons and create a thread about it in order to find other people who will mock them too (!) is absolutely vile !
Aren't you ashamed OP ? What kind of 'friend' are you to post about your 'friends' that are obviously in a very delicate moment of their life on Mumsnet and criticize them publicly for the way they chose to bereave their relatives? Get a life and unfollow them if you don't want to have to see/deal with their sorrow on FB but don't create a judgemental thread about them grieving on here, ffs!

Im dealing with the impending loss of my partner from terminal cancer and my dad from alzheimers. I have NO support. I share some things on facebook. I asked my dp tonight what he thought (seeing as he is dying) and his response was "You do whatever you need to do to get through and keep going..." This thread has disgusted both of us.

calculators I do hope you are OK. I remember your post earlier this year ((hugs))

YANBU if this refers to over sharing attention seeking posts.
YABU if you expect things to not be shared at all.

I can see this from both sides. I have made two posts in the past, and thought they were quiet and dignified.
My DH's family are another story, he came off FB after his lovely DM died, purely because of the posts being shared by his Nieces (his DM, their Nana). But it got beyond any level of dignified. In his opinion and mine, it was over-sharing to the point of being crass, and he was massively offended.
Pictures of the Hearse, at the wake, followed by vile "Share this flower if you hate Cancer" pictures, and changing their profile pics to her coffin
We didn't know until after her funeral, his DM had been reduced to a FB and Twitter feed, pictures of me and DH in grief shared with 600 people
One particular Niece can't post without it revolving around this, and people lap it up! I unfollowed her when I saw (3years after), "Just been shopping in tesco...made me think of when Nana used to make me pork chops. I Miss her so much (sad face etc) "
Grief is personal, but yes I agree that gratuitous over-sharing doesn't sit well with a lot of people.

There is one person on my Facebook who annoys me with public grieving, but only because on several occasions she has posted about somebody's passing before the family had made any sort of public statement.

As far as I'm concerned people can grieve however they choose, and as for attention seeking, people normally do that when they need attention! why is that considered to be a bad thing?

huge sympathy and empathy to anyone reading this who is bereaved.

But I think what you are describing is the problem with FBO.. facebookovershare.

I have one friend who posts every song she listens to over a whole week end, I had to block her posts.

When my d died I posted one photo of him, that's it. FB should be showing people a glimpse of your life, I think, it should not be a place where you force any aspect of your life down people's throats... but some people are FBI, facebookincontinent. The people who post 50 pictures of their holiday? No.... one great picture will do, it is all bragging isn't it? And grief, I feel is an essentially private act. Post a photo sure, but I think that's enough myself.

When my father died, I should have said.

As far as I'm concerned people can grieve however they choose, and as for attention seeking, people normally do that when they need attention! why is that considered to be a bad thing?

I agree, isn't everything posted on social media for some form of attention? The point of it is to post things in the hope that other see/acknowledge it surely?

I have taken photos at funerals - photos of the flowers (my mum found it very comporting to see how many people thought enough of her mum and dad to send flowers) and of groups of relatives who rarely get together. Hasn't happened since the advent of facebook but certainly in our family taking photos (providing you aren't intruding on someone actually grieving).

In fact I'm a bit sad that I didn't take photos of my grandmothers funeral as its most likely we'll see such a huge range of relatives - from my Grandmothers generation (she was 97) down to her great great grandchildren.

And if anyone had taken them and posted them on facebook for attention and it had upset me then I wouldn't think for a second that they have any responsibility for how I grieve any more than I have any right to judge how they grieve.

It's common knowledge amongst my FB friends that I am infertile having had numerous failed attempts at IVF - happy for them to share their birth announcements of their new borns.

I don't get the prissiness about funerals/graves/photos of the dead needing to be solemn and respectful and private. Why? Funerals are a group ceremony to mark a major and traumatic event - and its these things like weddings and big birthdays and other events that provide "clans" with the possibility to bond together and support each other.

If you have decided that you want to retreat to your cave to mourn in private but many people need to look outward and don't feel that funerals are something to hide away as if ashamed of the photos.

But then I'm happy to admire photos of peoples stillborn babies and horrified by those whose reaction is that it somehow isn't "seemly".

I recently posted on a friends facebook wall on the anniversary of his death, several of us did, one friend posted a photo of her cherry blossom which had flowered on the anniversary of his death. I found it helpful as none of my RL friends knew him, I hope his family don't find it upsetting - I have to assume not as they could have removed his profile if they wanted to. I hope they find it comforting that he was valued and still is valued a year after his death.

Oh man that was a bit of an essay!

As with anything on Facebook, you need to check who is receiving the information.

It's one thing sharing something with a group, or if you are selective about who you 'friend'.

It's another to share everything with your hundreds of Facebook friends who you may not know very well and who may have met you under many different circumstances.

I think it's really tacky to sit in judgment of grieving people dealing with their grief in the way that's best for them. Really fucking nasty too.

This!

What about others who don't want to be reminded of their own grief though? Eg with my own relative's death very much on the horizon and in my thoughts, I don't really appreciate seeing funeral pics I haven't asked to see. And quite honestly, I was surprised that the friends who had posted them had, to be honest.

So should I stop posting pics of my husband because my friend's cheated on & left her?

Should I stop posting photos of my children, because my friend lost hers?

Should my friends stop talking about their friends, because one of mine just died?

If you are on fb it is a constant reminder of some things we would, perhaps rather forget. I discovered after my friend died (my first brush with loss) that life continues. For me, for others. For her daughters, for her husband, for her family & her friends. We can't stop doing what WE need to do in order to stop from reminding others of things they would rather forget.

If you get to the point where things are upsetting you on fb, perhaps YOU should be the one to adjust how you use it, instead of expecting others to know what you do/don't want to see.

Grief is very personal & it is not one size fits all...I know that death upsets people, it's a bit like sex isn't it...we know it happens, but let's not talk about it.

Well fuck that, quite honestly.
I'll display my grief how I need to
I'll remember my friend how I need to
I will not tiptoe around in my grief
I will not pretend it doesn't exist
I will not pretend I am not affected by it

If you don't like the way I grieve, don't watch me grieve. But please don't think you have any right to criticize the way I handle my loss.

It's not being nasty to say that you should filter the information you share on social media.

I haven't ploughed through the whole thread yet so don't know the general consensus, but I think it's incredibly tacky and crass, but I'm pretty old school about these things.

I work PR and in my old job frequently had to book videographers / photographers for client events. Generally you build relationships with preferred partners and I range one of them up to ask if he could cover a last minute job. He apologised and said he was going to a funeral. I apologised and offered my sympathies, and being friendly with this chap, tentatively asked how close he was to the deceased.

It wasn't a personal funeral as such, but a job.

The family were paying for him to shoot the entire 'event' from the coffin leaving the house, to the church, the burial and the wake. Plus were getting sepia tone images in an album to boot.

I mean, what the actual fuck?! Why the hell would you want to remember the funeral of someone via the medium of video?!

He shrugged and said it wasn't the first time either.

i think it's really tacky to sit in judgment of grieving people dealing with their grief in the way that's best for them. Really fucking nasty too. this with fucking bells on.

This thread is disgusting, people grieve in many ways, thete is no right or wrong. I have fb friends who have shared pics of graves, funerals, flowers and stillborn children, all I feel is honoured that they are choosing to share with me something that is precious to them and sadness for them in their grief.

As for fb tagging etc as well as blocking, ignoring, unfriendly etc you can set your settings so that you can't be tagged unless you authorise etc. I had mine set so no one could tag me or post pics on my wall etc without me getting a notification to allow it. I changed it recentky as I got married and told frirnds to post pics and rag and share and so turned off the authorisation bit so they just automatically went on my wall. Then re set it later.

My grandad is dying, he sadly couldn't attend my wedding as he was too poorly. So I took a picture in a frame of him and my grandma to the registry and it is in some pictures. I imagine we may take some pictures at or after my grandads funeral partly because it's not often all family members can get together. My grandad is old, he is ready to die, I am massively grateful he is getting hospice care at home where he wants to be and is not in any pain. Despite this I have been surprised by how upset I feel at his imminent death, it was awful to see him last week, I didn't take pictures then as I want to remember how he was, not how illness has made him.

Silent Charisma it is extremely tacky and crass to comment on how someone else chooses to display their grief. I suggest you go through and read the comments on here, many will tell you the same thing. I personally would not have hired a photographer or whatever but that was our choice as a family, other people do and I respect that. I do have some photos taken outside the house of my dad's funeral as my children were not attending and my middle child wanted to see what grandad was in so he could get it straight in his head (he has LD).
As for respecting others grief etc, maybe I should ask all my friends not to wish their dads happy birthday on fab or happy Father's Day as mine is not here and it will be painful to see. Of course I will not as these are the things we have to live with now.
For those who still do not get it grief is a personal thing, there are no right or wrong ways to express it or deal with it, we just do what is right for us and yes, I think it is one of those times when we are entitled to be a little selfish and think of our selves for a while.

I've got a cousin like this. All she ever posts are about people who have died. Whether she knows them or not. People in the newspaper, murder victims, celebrities. Only about death and nothing else. Ever.
We call her the the grim reaper