to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

[velvetspoon]

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning

I wonder how many PPs on this thread actually have teenagers?

They are the most stubborn, selfish, disorganised, useless creatures on the planet.

No amount of sanctions on Earth will make my DS get his arse in gear if he doesn't want to, and believe me, I parent my head off.

He's bloody taller than me. The days of physically picking him up and carrying him are over.

He's a lovely person, but at times, frustrating isn't the word for it.

You have my sympathy, OP. We don't all have Teenotrons.

TooExtra that was her other son. And on the last thread there were suggestions of consequences that she brushed off. Taking down the TV in his room, removing internet router etc. The OP is a classic example of finding problems in everything yet never looking for a solution.

I do think sometimes schools do default to assuming mothers, not fathers, dont work and are instantly available. It used to drive me bonkers that all of my DCs different schools used to ring me first (usually in a meeting!) about anything, even though we had told them DH should be primary contact.

That being sad, you are the primary contact so there isn't much else they can do. Your anger should be directed at your DS not the school.

Didn't they try and set up a meeting re his attendance which you Felt you couldn't attend as it was in work hours, or was the other DS? There is quite a big back story there, usually I wouldn't raise other threads but it is part of a bigger picture definitely.

As I said, as a working parent I understand it is frustrating to be contacted by school but we are parents at the end of the day, and the ultimate responsibility for our DC (even at 16) rests with us.

Its a difficult lesson to learn that your career isn't the most important thing in your life, I understand as I was the sole wage earner for years. But it isn't and sometimes it has to take a back seat, I think yours has to take a back seat whilst you sort these boys out, it's going to be too late very very soon. I know it can be terrifying if you have a mortgage/rent and bills to pay, but I feel your DSs need your physical presence and there is going to have to be changes if you are to provide this. Reduced hours, flexible hours, change of employer or job if necessary.

it is very difficult I know becuase I have done it, but you are going to have to take action You can't absolve yourself from parenting just because you are "at work".

and yes I would say the same to the father but he isn't posting this

I had exactly the same issue with my son, however I appreciated the fact that they called me. We worked together on this and the head of sixth form and I emailed each other and met with DS to show we were working together and that we cared about him. As a result he now respects the teachers and effort they are putting in.
You say that he could be working and his employers would not be phoning you! Well, I think that is where he is getting his attitude to school from. Your mistake is thinking that, as he is of age to work, he should be treated differently. No. He is still at school and school is totally different to work. It was his (and your) choice, I presume, to stay on at that school, and therefore you follow the rules.

Just to say too that if this had been tackled when the problems became apparent it might have been more successful.

I personally am normally in the camp of "he's 16 let him get on with it" but here it sounds as though he hasn't had enough discipline or hands on work put in to making him act in an adult fashion.

Some teens are harder than others, the ones that are hard do require, IMO, much more parental input. It is hard and normally I would say leave a 16 yr old to learn, but i don't think hE has the skills in place yet and needs an intensive, focused approach using consequences and "kept on at" really.

I do think your DS's school's attitude and actions are a little strange, it would annoy me too. When DD was in the sixth form, her school treated them as young adults. There were many free periods and whether the students stayed on site to study or went home/elsewhere was left up to them. Often DD would come home, as school was only a 15/20 walk away. I can't remember what used to happen about registration. I am sure her school wouldn't have been phoning me just for lateness, as if they were still 12.

Surely their attitude is a better preparation for university? DD's school got some of the best results in the county, BTW.

15/20 minutes walk, not miles!

When I was a sixth form student I was treated as an adult. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. At 16, a student should be taking responsibility for his or her own learning and getting him or herself to school or college.

Young people are infantilised these days and I think we are creating a generation of young people who will struggle to function as young adults.

The school are INFORMING you that he is not where he should be. I thought that this was standard practice in fact. My ds's school will send out a text message to say that he is not present, and I am pleased that they do that, as imagine if he had gone to school but never turned up.... How would you know if they are playing truant etc....

I am also not in UK so perhaps things are different here. But I find your attitude about the school really concerning. We have such a waiting list for our school that if a child is late repeatedly for no valid reason, they are NOT enrolled in the school the following year. There are plenty of kids around here who would be more than happy to have that place - maybe perhaps why its a top school and places are sought after. And, if they are late, they may not interrupt first lesson, if this includes a test or exam or not. If so, they obtain 0%. There are very few late comers as a result.

I think the attitude in your home is the problem, not the school.

OP - your job is to get your kid to school. The school's job is to tell you whether or not they're there.

Why on earth should the school enforce sanctions on your behalf?

Be the parent FFS.

You're objecting to the fact that the school is making it your problem that your kid hasn't shown up for school?
Who's problem do you think it is? It's obvious from your repeated comments that you feel uniquely busy because you have a job but its still your problem.

The sixth form office rang the parents of some of my students yesterday - not to put the blame on the parent, but to inform them that their child wasn't in school, and only after we'd tried ringing the students themselves. What else should we have done differently? Wish I'd still been in bed at 10am!

I also think you haven't realized that you have two jobs. Y'know your proper job, you seem to think you are the only parent there who has one, as well as the job you chose - to be a parent.....

Ask the school to impose sanctions - detention. Additional work. Letter of apology when he misses a lesson? Anything to make his life more miserable if the behaviour continues.

and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to That's just nasty & isn't even relevant...

Lots of (incorrect) assumptions made I see based on what people think they might remember from previous posts.

Just to set some things straight, DS1 goes to a different school to his brother, who is in yr 9. Yes there were problems with DS2 not going into school because he was ill, or said he was ill, or going in late, etc. Different issue - in that case the school do hand out detentions for lateness, but were inconsistent over letting me know. I eventually got a letter from the school inviting me to a meeting with the attendance advisor and found out I'd only ever been told about 1/3 of his absences (and some of those I didn't know about til days later when the school sent a letter saying DS wasn't in on X date). Some of his absences were genuine as well, he went through a sickly spell earlier in the year. Anyway, I did start a thread because I'd been asked to an appt at very short notice, and got a terse response when I asked to rearrange. FWIW, I attended the appt, it went very well and I made sure the school had all my correct contact details (which turned out to have been part of the reason they'd not notified me). The attendance advisor has since said they are v pleased with DS improvement no absences and only 1 late (which wasn't his fault) since.

So I did take that meeting seriously. And I did adopt various recommendations made like turning off his internet, getting him to do more at home etc. I wouldn't say he's a model 14yo but he's a lot better.

As I've said my issue with DS1 is not that they're informing me, it's that they make me feel it's exclusively my fault. There are no sanctions imposed by the school against DS1, my understanding is that they don't give detentions etc to 6th formers, it says something to that effect on their website.

Do I tell him to go to school, yes of course I do. Did I impose a punishment for being late? Yes.

I am trying. The problem is on the one hand I am making an effort to encourage some responsibility (my bf for example says I should stop getting him up in the mornings, if he's late he's late) BUT the fact the school will only give me a hard time if he fucks up means I am reluctant to do so, and end up still getting him up/ chasing him out of the house on days he leaves before me/ calling to make sure he's left on days when I leave before him, and so on.

As for the smart arse comments as to do I think I'm the only person that works, no I don't. But the school seem pretty incredulous that I do, and that DS has no father (other than my useless Ex, his SF), grandparents, aunts, uncles etc but that's how it is.

This was my son at age 16! Used to sleep in when I'd gone to work, prompting letters from the school.

Here in Scotland the age of legal capacity is 16. He could have left school, got a job, got married. Yesof course I talked to my son about it but ultimately it was his decision whether to be on time or not.

As it turned out, he worked hard, got straight A's in his Highers, and is now at university having won a scholarship. Has worked several jobs, hasn't been persistently late.

Yanbu to make this your son's responsibility.

OP - you do have a genuine problem, but it isn't the school. The school are within their rights to chase you if your son doesn't show up. Your problem is that you can't get your son to show up, and this causes the school to chase you. I appreciate that you can't physically force him to go. But you need to make him attend that he must attend because (1) it's the rules and (2) you will get in trouble otherwise. If he still refuses, it is him who is causing your problems, not the school.

"it doesn't help when he knows it's only me getting it in the neck from his school."

Well then YOU need to make sure he gets it in the neck from you .

And yes, as others have said, disgusting attitude that a supply teacher doesn't deserve the same respect as the regular one. Just in case you, he, doesn't realise, saying it doesn't matter if he is late is showing disrespect.

it doesn't help when he knows it's only me getting it in the neck from his school

Could you arrange a meeting with his Head of Year, take DS along and thrash it out? Tell her/him you are very happy for sanctions to be imposed on your DS and discuss what those could be.

I don't agree. I think, given his age, that you'd be better off ensuring he gets it in the neck from the school in future. I'm sure that would be more effective. So maybe a joint meeting like the one you had for your youngestwould be a good idea? (I remember your previous thread, in fact I was probably one of the posters giving you a hard time. Glad it has worked out).

Officially we don't give sixth formers detentions. However, they can be, and are, asked to attend resits of tests, 'extra learning opportunities' or meetings to discuss potential issues such as lateness. The word 'detention' is seen as something for the lower school, the sixth form just have consequences.

So if your DS were mugged on the way to school, or had fallen down the stairs in a rush to get out and was lying unconscious in the hallway, would you prefer not to be told he hadn't turned up at school, OP?

Not really the point but education isn't mandatory at age 18.

The participation age has been raised "until at least their 18th birthday" so as soon as they turn 18 they can wave goodbye to it all.

Even at ages 16-17 the participation doesn't have to be traditional education, and is certainly not restricted to school - it can include apprenticeships, traineeships, or part time raining combined with 20+ hours per week of employment/self-employment/volunteering.

Not related to the OP at all but I thought it was worth clarifying.

Somebody upthread was wondering how many of those commenting on this thread actually have teenage kids. I would agree with that thought

Parenting a 17 year old who maybe very much bigger and stronger than you is very different to parenting an 8 year old. Have a look at another thread which is running at the moment, about calling the police on your children to get an idea.

The school needs to sanction the teen, not the OP.