to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

[velvetspoon]

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning

I must admit the sheer amount of whinging the school do is way over the top. It is your responsibility to wipe their arses right till they leave though so you'll just have to suck that one up.

It's the Drs appointment thing that riles me and makes me tell them in no uncertain terms there are some things I don't have to bother a Dr with then hanging up before I'm rude I have bother with.

Your and other parents' WoH/SAH situation isn't relevant, you'd do well to set that chip on your shoulder aside. YABU too for objecting to phone calls from school when at work, unless you're a ward-based health professional or something - handling DC related stuff during the working day is just part and parcel of WoH.

It is of course his personal responsibility to be on time, but for both you and the school to do whatever you can to with the problem. What will the consequences be for him if the lateness continues?

Twinkle I don't know the history - I agree that regardless of working you absolutely cannot shrug off responsibility for a child under 16 (or up to the end of year 11) school refusing. You set the children up during those years to have the right approach to post 16 education (or work).

Post 16 it's down to the young person though - treat them like a 12 year old and they'll act like one, unsurprisingly. ..

But due to previous issues the school might think they are doing their best by the 16 year old. In their own way they are trying to support him.

NurNoch- the system has changed. 16-18 is now statutory, pupils have a responsibility to be in punctually. Round here he would be in detention for each late, plus beingg put on attendance report if it was ongoing.
lets face it, an employer wouldn't be ringing mummy, no they'd just sack him

I agree with Nurnoch.

However there are benefit sanctions in place if a DC meant to be in full time education is not attending. The school keeps records which are passed on. This may not affect op but will affect other parents who therefore need to be informed. There is a difference between a school informing a parent and them absolving themselves of their responsibilities by doing so.

What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there

It is your responsibility on account of you being his parent.

DD is at a Sixth form college. if a teacher is absent, the class is expected to get on with their studies themselves. If a student opts not to go to a lesson, parents don't need to provide reasons or excuses. The students are responsible for themselves and their studies.

The flip side of this is that if a student starts to miss lessons, the parents aren't quickly made aware, and that can lead to students dropping out when they needn't have done so, because too much of the course has been missed.

A levels come round very quickly. Can you be sure that in his absences from school he's making good use of his time?

I think YABU and your attitude towards the school isn't helping your DS.

Ah - I'm out of the loop (overseas as well as kids only just approaching secondary age) but had heard that.

However education being compulsory doesn't make 16-18 year olds different creatures surely, nor does it make it appropriate to make 16 the new 14 and not afford them the same degree of responsibility they would have had if they were there of their own free will - after all a good number of them would have been doing A levels either way and will be going on to uni at 18 or 19...

Sounds as if the new system is not allowing young people to grown up - they're still treated as children so uni must come as a walloping great shock, unless that's changed too...

I get why you're frustrated OP.

But should the school decide to boot him out, they will need to prove that they did all they could to help solve the problem. That includes contacting you every single time.

If they didn't, you'd probably have grounds for appeal.

The school are doing the right thing by your DS. Although I can see why it's frustrating for you, your frustration would be better aimed at your son.

nur I agree. I give my 10 year old quite a lot of responsibility to try and help, the school entirely disagree withy approach. My self and the head have an agree to disagree situation. It's shouldn't be this way, however it is and if the OP doesn't at least try and help resolve the situation then her son will be the one to suffer.

My problem is with the 'it's not my problem ' attitude she had in this thread and another about her younger son. If he isn't responsible enough to get up; it is her problem. Why should it be only the schools? No one is making it her problem it is hers. Her son, who is not yet an adult, means it's also her problem

It sounds like you need to do a spot of parenting TBH.

The next time they call, cut them off at the pass. Explain to them all that you have done to try to get him to school on time. Ask them what ideas they have because presumably you're all out of them. Let them know you genuinely want to solve the problem, but you're having trouble doing so, and suggest that you and the school both work together.

Being told 'you're the parent, it's your responsibility' isn't really all that helpful.

People ask their kids' schools for assistance when they're having difficulties with their kids all the time. It doesn't need to stop just because he's not a little boy any more. You're clearly at a loss, so suggest that you work together.

People ask their kids' schools for assistance when they're having difficulties with their kids all the time.

They don't just wash their hands of the problem and expect the school to fix it though.

Yep I can see that. Hmm.

No idea. I'd be frustrated with the whole set up (although the poster with a child at 6th form college shoes it's still not universal). But given it is how it is, with statutory education etc. I suppose it is inevitable. How unfortunate for a whole generation

If the OP asks how to work with the school they'll possibly suggest a meeting and if I remember rightly she will feel that due to her work commitments this will be difficult to accommodate.

I'd write to the Head and say that you absolutely do your best to ensure he goes to school, get him up etc etc, but as you are physically absent and at work you can't drag him there so he will have to learn the consequences of being a great big 16 year old lump and spend his life in detention etc with your blessing.

I think tbh that the OP needs to realise that there are bigger issues than the what she's telling us.

YANBU - I think this country needs to decide at what age a person becomes an adult . Is it 16 or is it 18 ? I know everyone is going to shout at me that of course it is 18, but there is a big grey area from 16 - 18.

My DD IS 16. She has major physical disabilities which she has had since birth. Since turning 16, I have been told in no uncertain terms by the health service and by the DWP that she in now regarded by them as an adult. My input, my requests for info even about something as simple as confirming the time for a hospital appointment, are met with a big NO. I no longer have any rights or responsibilities in their eyes, as she is 16, an adult, and none of my business.

On, the other hand, due to major health problems which she has experienced over the last 18 months, she has been in and out of hospital and has missed a lot of school. Her school see it all as absolutely my responsibility regarding attendance etc. So I am 100% responsible for her in a school setting but 0% responsible for her in a healthcare setting .The two states do not sit happily together. I feel I should be either in or out as it were.

yabu
\it is your problem

The school is not making it your problem, it is your problem to deal with. If you have tried everything you can think of you could ask the school for advice though.

• shows not shoes

Of course parents still have lots of responsibility for a 16 year old, but the phone calls described seem more appropriate to a younger child.

It seems difficult to comment whether the OP is BU or not without the wider context of her other posts though.

I'd think the school under the new system should be purely passing on the information that his attendance has been x % - that could be done by text or email.

However as a parent you'd want to do something if the young person was on track for being kicked out or failing exams ...

With an under 16 I'd have thought you just have to find a way to juggle work hours/ take holiday and get them to school if things have reached breaking point. With an over 16 it'd be more appropriate to read the riot act and emphasise consequences. .. I'd be so reluctant to be physically escorting an A level student to school, it just seems so age inappropriate and unlikely to be a long term solution - they really need to be taking responsibility for their chouces and time management then, or they never will!

In the last thread, she was told that there is no problem with her being out of the house before her DS. She makes him go to school by deliverng consequences - every time the school phone to say he's not there when he should have been (ie, is not genuinely ill), she goes home at night and delivers a consequence eg loss of internet time/game console/pocket money/other age-appropriate sanction.

That advice stands here - she could sit her DS down and say that it's not up to him to decide whether it's 'worth' going to school or not, and that if he doesn't start going she will do X, Y or Z. Instead she thinks it's not her problem, it's the school's. I'm sure the school are reading DS the riot act, but without any back-up from home, it's going to go in one ear and out the other.

I think the school should calm down a bit. Sixth form is a time to prepare for university and part of that is about learning to organise your time effectively. Sixth form lessons do not get a cover teacher at my school unless a syllabus needs finishing or there is a test, in which case the students are informed and know to come to the classroom instead of doing their own work in the library. Did DS miss an actual lesson?

I can't see why going in later when your first lesson is a study period and you are in the sixth form is a big deal. Sixth Form Colleges wouldn't fuss about this. As long as he signs in so they know who is on site in case of an emergency what is the problem? My school is very strict but they are a little bit more relaxed with sixth formers- for example sixth form students can go home early if their lessons are finished.

You've had problems for years with your children who are rude, disrespectful and can't behave. Until you set boundaries and spend more time putting them in place, nothing will be resolved