to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

[velvetspoon]

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning

The inconsistency of this country re minors baffles me. You can be criminally responsible at the age of 10. So you are responsible for actions harming others. However, you are not fully responsible about your body (apparently you are unable to consent about what happens with your genitals until 3 years later). Then, if you are late to school aged 16, there is some kind of weird discussion on whether or not your parents are to blamed.
Beyond me.

So whilst I appreciate them informing me, I expect them also to speak to him to support what I will be telling him at home, ie that attendance and punctuality are essential and will affect his future, and so on

So you really think the school isn't saying this to him?

It very well might be...but there comes a point where 'a word' has to become a measure or action. This school sounds as if they are taking the easy way out - phone the parent, job done. If it's so important to them that older teens are on time for school then they really need to be more proactive and do something other than making than phone calls home to mummy.

Such as?

Even the OP hasn't come up with word one about what she expects the school to do.

Detention perhaps? Withdrawal of any privileges?

Or if he's otherwise well behaved they could unofficially do nothing.

Such as - our High School (I imagine we're far from unique) does informal verbal warning to pupil, formal warning to pupil, informa phone call home, formal letter home, behaviour monitoring, detention, exclusion.

YABU. It is your responsibility to ensure he is in school on time, every day.

Y12 was Lower Sixth in my day, and parents weren't called unless there was an emergency. They were preparing us for the freedoms of work/university life as well as teaching us. Issues were discussed and resolved with the student, as they would be at work or at university. This model worked fine. Maybe it's different now, though.

Detention perhaps? Er…keeping someone in school for not being in school. FFS.

The only thing that carries any weight in post-16 is the threat of withdrawal from the course. Do the courses have a minimum attendance requirement?

The kid is outside the building. The school cannot force him in because he doesn't have to be there.

Down to the parent who, apparently does want him to be there, though not enough to do the hard yards, and yes this does mean getting him out the house and into school, and missing work to do it.

Your DS does have history at this school for repeatedly missing lessons and failing to turn up for any of his mocks. The school sorted out the first lot of skipping lessons and then he started doing it again, at which point you found out because the school contacted you and also told you about failing sit any of his exams. In a previous thread you said that your DS just doesn't bother and lies to you.
This is the third instance in one academic year. What more do you think the school can realistically do at this point? They have tried - and given him more than one chance. You have tried. The only one who hasn't tried is your DS.
He does seem to be making it pretty obvious that he doesn't want to be at school. And the school might decide it is better if he no longer attends.

echt I agree on the parent's work not being relevant.

How on earth is a 40 year old (say) woman supposed to force a 16 year old boy into school though, whether she's right next to him or not. Put him over her shoulder?

He's not 6, nor 12 - he's nearly 17 and doing A levels.

A parent's role is supportive and advisory by that point - you can lay down the rules and impose sanctions and point out consequences, but you can't physically force them to be at school on time. Even if you could it's inappropriate by that age - he needs to take responsibility for himself (and if his attendance is over 90% and his grades are good, he is doing).

Velvet are there any consequences down the line of him being late (exclusion/ withdrawal from exams)? Are his grades acceptable?

If he is in no danger of exclusion and his grades are good, the calls are just a fly ' s irritating buzz surely?

Perhaps your son should join you at a meeting with his form tutor at which the tutor could lay down what the long term consequences of lateness/ absence will be (not "you might miss work" but whether it will be detailed on references, and whether he is at risk of suspension/ exclusion/ withdrawal from exams). Those consequences (if they turn out to apply) are what he needs to be aware of - ideally not second hand via you but "from the horse's mouth" in front of you. Rather like an appraisal at work.

Did you miss the bits about what the school can do before detention echt?

Soldier - I agree. If he doesn't want to go to school then no amount of phone calls home to mummy is going to make him go, and no amount of loss of phone or whatever is going to make him go. There has to be something more in place now to make him (not the OP) face up to the consequences of lateness/non attendance - including the directions to the door marked "exit". It's down to him and the school - not his mum.

As mentioned before one of my DC had their sixth year (final year of school) privileges withdrawn - which was a real pain. It improved her time-keeping a bit.

Tbh I think a lot depends on how much his latecoming matters to his teachers - is it disruptive? If he's managing and it's not disruptive or setting a bad example then there's something to be said for not chasing him on it.

Soldierbear, that's bollocks. Either you've got a bad memory or you're deliberately stirring for the sake of it. DS missed one mock (he was at school however but not in the exam). He missed lessons in September because he was behind with work - again he was in school but not in all lessons. I've made mention of that upthread so please stop trying to score points when your recollection is wrong.

School cut off for not allowing students to continue to yr 13 is I believe 90% attendance. He's well above that, and his mock grades were B/C. He's predicted at least Bs in this years exams.

If the school don't want him there,or are concerned with his non attendance,they should also be having a word with him,not leaving it all to me.

If it is bollocks, then this post of yours from 6 March must be bollocks too:

So, this week he's been telling me about his mocks, how he did. Other stuff about school. And it's all lies. I've had the school call me at work (interrupting a meeting I was) to say he's not been in (well, he's been in school but not in most lessons, and none of his mocks).

and this from later in the thread As to why he missed the exams, he didn't think he'd do very well.

Exams PLURAL.

I am not stirring anything. But you are changing your story. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/a2324763-At-the-end-of-my-tether-with-DS1-16-and-his-lying

As you said many times on that other thread, your DS just doesn't bother. It is likely that attitude comes across at school and the school have tried many times to talk to him - to no avail.

I get that you are frustrated- but lashing out at me for having the temerity to recall what you've previously posted about your DS and accuse me of stirring things when you are changing the facts from one thread to another is taking your pent up aggressions out on the wrong person.

No pent up aggression here thanks, I'm perfectly able to express my views and feelings

On that occasion, back in March, I was misinformed by the 6th form secretary who called me. I later confirmed with his subject teacher it was one exam. The missed lessons were study periods when he'd gone to the library rather than his form room so missed registration. Again, clarified with his teacher.

DS attended all his actual exams and is predicted to get better than average grades. I've not attempted on this thread to say he's always been perfect (clearly that's not the case as I wouldn't have had calls from school otherwise) but he's not on the verge of getting kicked out either, despite what you've tried to infer (your comment that he's in special lessons because he's missed so much school which simply isn't true).

I'm really not sure what this nitpicking and attempted pointscoring is meant to achieve. What exactly is the response you're looking for - do you want me to say I'm a failure, or that my son is? Won't happen. Or maybe you want other posters to dig at me as you have? Either way I'm really not sure what benefit you're deriving from it, nor that you're adding anything to the thread, so why keep posting? Other than to be inflammatory.

No nitpicking or point-scoring at all. Just remembering things you have posted in the past about the trouble you have with your DS and this school. So you were given the wrong information by the school before - okay, fair enough. But it is relevant to this thread that this is the third time this academic year the school have had serious enough concerns about his attendance that they feel they need to contact you. It is a totally different situation from a boy who has only skipped one class all session, which would appear to be the situation in the opening post of this thread.

As I said in a post above - the school have tried, you have tried. What is inflammatory about that? This is the third time you've lashed out at me on this thread and it is getting more than a little wearisome. However, as I do remember loads of things you've written about your heavy workload, the way both your DS forgot your birthday etc I'm going to say that you are stressed out and that lashing out at an internet poster is giving you some relief because you're frightened to do that to your DS in case he walks out.

The hard fact is that sometimes you CAN'T do anything more. You can't force him to go to school, you can't make him work when he is there. I know it's a shit situation to be in, and I've been there with stroppy teens and school issues, so I do understand. But ultimately the only person who can make a difference is your DS. Whether he does so now, or some years down the line is up to him.

What do you want the school to do that they have not already done? I am genuinely asking this - because they have spoken to him before, haven't they? Do you think he will pay more attention this time? Is there any other adult in his life who he would listen to - like a family friend?

Anyway, I do wish you and your DS all the very best. Ultimately it is his choice but as a parent you want to knock some sense into their stubborn, lazy, loveable heads!

Some schools require kids to have a minimum attendance record before they will pay for them to be entered for exams, if the attendance record falls below this %, the parents must pay.

However this tends to only be applied for over 16s.

Wow. OP I'm sorry you have had such a pasting. I sometimes wonder if the same rules should apply re non-parents not commenting on parents with babies to people with toddlers commenting on parents with teens.

At my sixth form (less than a decade ago I might add) if you routinely missed lessons after warnings you were expelled. Simple as. Your parents would be informed that you were not turning up if you missed a couple/were routinely late but not everytime. And definately so suggestion that it was their fault.

A bit of a rocket up HIS arse by the sixth form may give him a more realistic idea of how much this would be tolerated on a uni course that will cost him £9K a year. Or indeed in a job.

On the other hand he might be like my elder one who transformed as if by magic during her first term at uni, after two years of persistent lateness.

What's wrong with just doing nothing from now on? I mean the OP has tried really hard and fgs, he's not a small child anymore. I think let fate take it's course and let him Learn the hard way. It seems like the boy does have a brain cell or two.

If the school isn't going to expel the boy, there isn't anything more one can do I think.

OP, totally you have my sympathy, I can just hear the patronising tone of the school secretary. And some people round here don't seem to realise that running around after a 16 year old is totally counter productive, and as for taking time of work to do it, sod that, you need to keep a roof over your head and look after your own future.
For my DS it was EMA kept him on the straight and narrow. 1 missed registration record= no EMA for the week. You might want to institute the same- 1 call from school = no allowance.

And yes, you need to tell the school sec, thanks for letting me know, end of conversation. Or ask them to email/text, and only interrupt your work for an emergency. He has chosen to do the course, he could have chosen to get a job/ wander the streets/ leave home/go to college, if he doesn't turn up it's not as if he's a missing toddler.