Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15

Original poster

to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

373 replies

velvetspoon · 11/06/2015 08:17

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning

OP posts:

Original poster

velvetspoon · 11/06/2015 08:50

The comment about other parents is that because pretty much all mums don't work and are on hand all the time, drop their kids to school daily etc, there's an expectation I do the same, can take a call at any point in the day etc. Telling them I work is usually met with almost incredulity.

OP posts:

TwinkieTwinkle · 11/06/2015 08:52

velvetspoon I recognise your username. Was it not you who was having trouble getting your younger son to go to school? You refused to listen to any advice given on here. Sounds like you really are determined to find fault with the school, where there isn't any.

DorisLessingsCat · 11/06/2015 08:54

Both you and the school need to sanction him.

It's completely irrelevant that "he could be working, he's 16." He's not working, he's in school so has to abide by their rules.

Most of the information in your OP is irrelevant. The salient point is that your son has decided to make his own judgement about what time to turn up at school, and quite rightly the school are taking issue with that.

muminhants1 · 11/06/2015 08:55

"All those late marks will go on to his employer/university."

No they won't. How is it in a student's (or indeed society's) interests to stop them getting a job or uni place? A school is not going to write "this pupil is always late and should sit on the dole for the rest of his life because he is unemployable". However, it would be good if they could write " this pupil has fantastic attendance and is always on time".

Employers are not permitted to give bad references.

"I know his employers wouldn't be calling me if he was late!"

True but he's still at school (I assume this is a sixth form in a school, not a sixth form/FE college). And they should be telling you, not to tell you it's your fault (it's not, he's old enough to take responsibility himself but it sounds like he needs a kick up the proverbial from you) but so that you know he's not there and can give him that kick.

OrangeVase · 11/06/2015 08:55

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time here. You do work - and part of having teens is teaching them to take repsonsibility so whilst it is good that the school let you know - HE should be the one in trouble.

I also think that schools are unreasonable. Either the child has to be there - in which case there should be a teacher present, work to do etc - or not.

My DD finshed her exams on Monday afternoon but there are lessons and careers talks and " how to apply to uni" talks. There are community projects and school projects and basic "housekeeping" jobs -supervised and unsupervised. Ther are concerts and sports days and theatrical productions! They are really busy and so are all the teachers. That is how it should be.

redexpat · 11/06/2015 08:55

How often does this happen? I think the next time it happens you could respond with a we need to be on the same page. Say youd like to know what sanctions he is getting at school, and how you could best back that up at home.

A snotty tone would piss me off too.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 11/06/2015 09:01

I remember your last thread too. Is this your DS2 or is this the older one? I seem to recall that the thrust of that thread was 'how dare the school expect me to attend a meeting at short notice about DS2's poor attendance record', followed by a lot of 'I can't make him go to school, I leave before he's up'. You got a lot of good advice there about setting boundaries and ideas such as turning the internet off at night/confiscating game consoles etc so he couldn't stay up all night gaming. How did you get on with that?

OddBoots · 11/06/2015 09:02

References are not bad if they are factual, simply stating a percentage attendance and a percentage of punctual arrival would be accepted in a reference provided they were accurate.

LineRunner · 11/06/2015 09:02

Similar to what what redexpat said, I would want to know what the point of the phone call was. Is it for information only? Are they requiring a specific action? How has the school applied sanctions?

BareGorillas · 11/06/2015 09:02

I get that he's 16 and has been getting himself to school for sometime, - but he is still in school not at work so it is still your responsibility also to make sure he's getting in at the time he should be, the school will expect your co-operation on this.

Snotty tone or not they are not in the wrong, - but I would say the next time they phone that you should ask them whether he is being pulled up about his lateness.

This is your problem and your son's problem, not the school's.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 11/06/2015 09:13

I'm with you actually OP

When I was at 6th form the whole "treating you as adults" was the thing and there was no contact at all with parents except if suspension/ expulsion were a risk.

Also I decided not to go to sociology any more as we weren't learning anything - I read the text book cover to cover, followed up references in the school library and did my own revision and was the only student in my year to get an A (next best grade was a C).

Nobody checked where we were in study periods - it was perfectly acceptable to go off site and work in a cafe.

I did get into a bit of debate with my tutor about attending tutor group (not registration but a full lesson once a week for tutor activities) as I thought it was pointless unless there was something like USAS forms to sort out, which we could be informed of in registration. I was a bit awkward in that way I guess (but it was pointless... )

Nobody called my mum. I got 4 A grades (A* didn't exist then).

Judging by the responses you've got its no wonder kids are still kids when they get to university and have parents still micromanaging them at 19 or 20 and expecting to be in communication with their uni lecturers

NRomanoff · 11/06/2015 09:22

I pretty sure you are the poster who has the same problems with you younger son too, maybe I am wrong. But if it is you, your attitude was the same before. That it's not your problem.

Apologies if that's not you. But either way, it is your problem. I am sure they speak to him as well. But this is your probl, the school aren't making it your problem. It already is.

TwinkieTwinkle · 11/06/2015 09:25

NRomanoff I said that further up as well. Glad to see I wasn't wrong.

NRomanoff · 11/06/2015 09:25

nur that's all well and good, but it's not the same now. It worked for me and worked for you. But you are judging the situation on what school was like 20 years ago.

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 11/06/2015 09:34

Why is it different though NR ? (I appreciate you haven't been the one to make it different ) Is it universally acknowledged that 16 year olds today have the average emotional maturity of 14 year olds 20 years ago?

It's a bit alarming - that's a big social regression in a short time... Why isn't it the source of widespread public debate and soul searching? Surely it's a bad thing?

DorisLessingsCat · 11/06/2015 09:39

No one is suggesting micro managing the boy, in fact most are suggesting the opposite, that is, instilling a sense of responsibility into him.

But if his parent or school doesn't give any consequences then of course he's going to do his own thing.

MamanOfThree · 11/06/2015 09:48

Tbh I would expect a 16yo to take full responsibility for going to school in time. And I would expect the school to talk to the teenager and make it clear to them (Actually, I would expect them to have done that since Y7 so it's not such a surprise when they are Y12). I would expect sanctions/detentions every single time. Is there any?

At the same time, I would expect the parents to reinforce that at home too and to make it clear that they HAVE to be at school and do NOT get to chose when they go in.

I do get the annoyance re the school ringing and expecting mum to be on hands/ready to take a call. My primary and secondary are exactely like this and it's weary tbh.
It's hard because when most of the children in that school have a SAHP, then the school relies on them and build the system around that idea. When you have a child whose mum is working, suddenly, there is no system in place to support the child as it's based on the idea that mum can do xxx. (and yes they can get grumpy if you say you can't too).

velvet what have you done so far about it? What has the school done about it?

MamanOfThree · 11/06/2015 09:51

Can I ask the posters who say it's entirely the responsibility fo the OP to gbet her dc to school.
What would you advise her to do?

Genuine question as I've been thinking about it myself and can't see an answer if you are not present when they should leave....

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten · 11/06/2015 09:52

If he's studying he should be doing his own thing though, as long as his grades aren't suffering... He is less likely to learn to manage his time if school expect his mummy to do it for him, and OP says she is trying to instil a sense of responsibility in him.

The OP isn't really a what should I do, it's am I being unreasonable to think school ringing mummy as if he's a younger child is no longer appropriate. .. or maybe I misread...

Don't know the back story of any previous posts though so maybe that's why others are so cross with the OP.

mindthegap79 · 11/06/2015 09:53

Your attitude is rubbish and seems to have rubbed off on your son.

TwinkieTwinkle · 11/06/2015 09:56

OP has history with the school though. Allowing her younger son to take a lot of time off when he is 'ill'. She tried the 'working mother' excuse with that but the point is that as a parent you have a responsibility to your children. I do wonder whether the school call OP because of the difficulty with the other son. Perhaps they feel they have to chase her up to keep the children's' attendance up.

MythicalKings · 11/06/2015 09:56

Just let him get thrown out, then.

At 16 he should be sorting himself out. I'm surprised the school phone you. MY DCs were told at VIth form that it was their responsibility to attend and do homework and the school would not "nag" them. They would get a few warnings then they'd be out on their ears.

It seemed to work.

TwinkieTwinkle · 11/06/2015 09:57

When I say 'ill' the problem she was having was her son refusing to go in. She left for work before him so said she had no way to make him go in.

Madratlady · 11/06/2015 09:57

By A levels students should be taking responsibility for themselves, and facing the consequences if they don't. It's time to develop some independence before uni, when nobody will be checking up on them or reminding them to get up.

nailsathome · 11/06/2015 09:59

It's not just school rules. He has to be registered as present for a certain number of sessions per year. Schools get chased if pupils are late so they are simply passing that on to you, his parent. It is absolutely your responsibility to ensure that your DS has the right attitude towards education and, by extension, the work environment.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 14 15