to be so fed up with school making this my problem every time?

[velvetspoon]

DS is in yr12. They completed AS exams last week and are now back to a normal timetable starting their A2 work.

DS was late in on Monday. The subject teacher of his first lesson is away this week, so DS decided it didn't matter if he was late in as would just be a cover teacher.

But of course the school then phone me. Again. Do I not appreciate DS needs to be at school at 0830 daily? Do I not know where he is? And then I explain that when I left the house to go to work, he was preparing to leave so no I didn't know he wasn't there. Etc.

I don't object to them letting me know he's not turned up. What I do object to is that the whole tone of the conversation, every time, is that it's my fault. My responsibility to make sure he's there. Even though he's 16, and I (unlike most mums in this area) do actually have a proper job to go to, so I don't have time to be ferrying him to school, or even dealing with their calls when I should be in meetings.

I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault.

I'm trying my best to instil some kind of personal responsibility in my son, and get him to realise he can't just do what he wants but the fact the school only ever have a go at me really doesn't help!

He has a study period first lesson today so is refusing to go in at usual time so I expect another call from the school sometime this morning

My Ds is at the end of his first year of A levels too. It is upto him to go to his lessons, not for me to make sure he gets there.

The school is being unresonable and treating your DS the same as kids in the lower years. My DS is at college, where they treat him as an adult and expect him to be responsible for his own attendance. I know at his high school his friends who stayed are still treated as kids and the parents get calls too.

Have a word with the head of sixth form.

Sorry, I've just read the OP, but wanted to point out that I know of more than one youngster who has got away with not going to school for over a year without their parents knowing, so it probably good that they tell when he is skivving off and then you can decide how much skivving off you are prepared to fund.

And I'm not being judgemental, just that it is a bit rough when you are working your arse off to support a young person who is just wasting their time.

I teach 16-19 year olds. Mainly boys.

I do ring parents when students regularly don't attend - because, do you know what, I want them to ACHIEVE.

I speak to the students, I ascertain if there are any issues, I read them the riot act - well I do if they turn up, I liaise with their other tutors and progression mentors.

When these fail I call parents, I send letters to both student and parent reminding them of the learner contract and the attendance requirements. I issue warnings. Then if nothing changes I withdraw them which has a massive impact on their futures.

Perhaps some parents on here would have no issue with me doing all of the above without them having a clue until their 16 year old is suddenly a NEET. I prefer to involve parents as they can support their child and the teachers.

At the end of the day it's not my education op, I'm there trying to help people like your ds achieve the best they can, to succeed, to open as many doors as possible for them. Stupid me for thinking parents might want to also be involved in ensuring their child does all they can. It would actually be EASIER for me not to phone parents, not to write to them, not to ask them to support me in trying to help THEIR child. It would be a lot less time consuming just to bounce them through the disciplinary route and out the door to NEETsville, but that's not why I do this job.

And op, I drop my child off at 7.30am to ensure I'm there on time to teach teenagers like yours as do many of my colleagues. If we are doing that is it really so unreasonable for teachers to expect you to put some effort into ensuring he's there to be taught?

Sixteen year olds don't always make great decisions - they still need a safety net on occasion to stop them fucking up royally.

I am about things like 16 or 17 year olds getting detention, phone calls home etc as if they were year 7's. Thank goodness there are no school 6th forms here, it's college at 16 and unless there are serious concerns you plan your own time and deal with your own issues. That may involve facing disciplinary procedures if you break your learning contract re attendance, conduct etc but there is a warning system before things are escalated to that stage. It's much more adult and I think teens respond better to that. I'd have hated being treated like a school child at 17.

" I already do my level best to get him to school including waking him up every morning - I only do that because otherwise he wouldn't get up in time for school and then I'd be the one getting yet another call from the school and yet again it would be my fault. "

Well it obviously works, then. There's your answer to why it's worth doing.

You need a sanction that works - no computer? No seeing friends? He cant go thru life doing this, he will never hold down a job etc if he thinks he can just do as he pleases and show up late. Being on time is a basic courtesy , being late is a huge red flag of a disresepctful, unreliable, poorly organised slacker. Your job doesnt magically stop at 16.

Its been found that teenagers brains dont stop developing until early 20's which is why they have poor impulse control, poor decision making and lack of thought as to consequences of their actions. You need to still instill values, life skills etc etc ongoing. He still isnt a fully funtioning adult emotionally. Why do you regard 16 as some magic button that makes him an adult overnight? Boys mature later than girls emotionally too, another thing educational theory is agreed on.

Obviously teenagers need to learn the discipline that they will need at university/ work, but they are unlikely to learn to take personal responsibility if schools persist in treating 16/17 year olds like they would a child in year 7.

Ultimately the penalty for students this age is not getting the A levels they need - if schools think this is not enough they need to introduce additional sanctions (for example lycées here would not approve a student to progress to the next year if their attendance and/or results were inadequate).

Of course parents have a role to play, but at this age it is primarily in providing support and opportunities, and a good role model. Some of the punishment suggestions are just clueless, we are talking about a teenager who is old enough to leave home not a preteen in Y7!

It's difficult - I teach 16+ in a college and there are extremes.

I've phoned some of mine every day for weeks to get them out of bed and into college when their parents have been in bed in the same house (alongside working with the students on their personal time keeping etc)

I've also spoken to parents who desperately try to get their men sized kids up and out. Some even bring them in only for me to ring an hour later to say they've disappeared.

There's no solution that fits everyone. I've had students yell at me that they're 16 and can look after themselves. I've also had 17 year olss who've told me that nobody's ever cared enough to make sure they were up.

I'd never, ever blame a parent though - my phone calls home are always positive ie 'I know he's hard work to get in but if we support him from home and college we might have an impact...'

I have said time and again, I'm not objecting to the school informing me of his absence.

I object to their tone, implying this is entirely my responsibility and apparently absolving DS of any blame.

If they called me and said Velvet, DS, wasn't in for his study period today. We have done X, we're letting you know so you can impose your own sanction/ we can work together etc - that would be absolutely fine. Of course it would.

In 15 months time, all being well, he will be at uni, 100s of miles away. I won't be there to help him, and I am really quite concerned as to how he will manage - like I said upthread, my bf is of the view he should be getting himself up for school every day and if he's late it's down to him. However it won't be down to him, it'll be down to me. How he's suddenly meant to do this by uni on his own is beyond me.

Also:
He's not a persistent school refuser.
When he first started at school in Sept, he got behind with work and was going in for registration then sitting in the library not in lessons (trying to catch up). That was resolved by the school.
I do impose sanctions. I can't stop pocket money as he doesn't receive any from me. I don't give him lifts anywhere as I don't drive. He sees friends once a week at most (as that involves playing football which is the only exercise he gets I'm reluctant to stop it). He currently has internet at home for an hour a day. The TV in his room only works via x box. So I do restrict him.

But I can't give up work to take him to school every day. And how would that be teaching him anything anyway?

Op I think you have hard time on here. There is a limit to what you can do to get a 16 yo to show up at school. Your own attitude to work is that you take it very seriously. So all the posters telling you that your attitude sucks are way off, imo. You have been a role model.

You can talk to him, you can impose sanctions, you can help him organise himself and his mornings. But you cannot make him go, and the consequences of not attending ( getting kicked out) will be his.

Good luck.

Have you asked the school what they would like you to do?

ltk - couldn't agree more. It's no wonder that there are young adults who have no sense of responsibility if their parents are the ones who are expected to take the rap for their behaviour.

What is the school doing to address this issue, and what do they want you to do?

I would suggest you arrange a meeting at the school with your son present and ask the school to explain directly to your son the sanctions they can/will impose should this 'behaviour' continue. It will also be an opportunity for you to list all the things you currently do to support the school's policy for attendance so both sides are fully aware.

I think you've made it clear that your frustration is that you're being made to feel you're the one causing the problem with his low attendance rather than him.

Good luck!

I didn't get a call from the school in the end yesterday. However next time I do (and I am enough of a realist to think I may well get a call if not this term - DS only has 4 more weeks of school - then next) I will request a meeting/discussion.

In the meantime I am encouraging him to get a pt job, to try and boost his sense of responsibility.

OP, you say you object to the school's tone, but have not said what they've actually said, so we can't judge the tone you're objecting to.

I'll cut to the chase here and say that in my experience, those who object to tone actually don't like the content. In this case the message is it is you and your son's responsibility to get him to school, NOT the the school. There's no nice way to say this.

Here's a thought: what do you think the school should do?

A meeting sounds like the best way forward OP - that way, the school can see that you're not ignoring it and they'll have an opportunity to set out what they plan to do to address his lateness without pointing the finger of blame at the wrong person (i.e. you). He's at the perfect age to learn personal responsibility and to be treated like the adult he is becoming.

Er, it IS your responsibility op....

I disagree.

I think by 6th form it is primarily DSs responsibility to ensure he is on time, at school etc.

I shouldn't (and don't) encourage him to miss lessons or go in late. I impose sanctions when he does miss a lesson.

I also wake him up every morning, run him a bath, get his clothes out. A lot more than my bf (who was getting himself out of bed for a paper round at 5am every day from the age of 13) thinks I should do.

I think that beyond that the buck should stop with DS.

Absolutely agree velvet. Year 12 is 16 isnt it? In this part of the UK that's classed as an adult - old enough to take responsibility for getting themselves to school/college/work without their mummies being involved.

I get very irritated when the school phone me with that attitude too as dd is 18 (repeated a year as we moved) - she is a fully fledged adult. DD is well aware that she's had a 2nd chance to do her A levels, change subjects, choose which 6th form etc. It really is up to her to take on responsibility for her education I will support her of course.

How can she go away to uni and live independently if she is not used to having any responsibility for herself

So where does he get money from?

I don't think I've said it's the schools' responsibility to make sure he's there. I object to the suggestion it's all down to me, and in no part to DS.

I have had grief from schools about being a working mother for over a decade. I appreciate to some of you that may be contrary to your experience, but it's happened to me a lot. Not in relation to absence until recently, but previously things like being unable to come and collect a child from school at 30 mins notice, or to bring in a change of clothes, or why couldn't I attend various events or meetings in the middle of the school day at short notice. Or a particular favourite, that I had to be able to be contacted by the school at any time during the day (despite explaining I might be in court where phones must be switched off at all times) and if i failed to respond to their call within 30 mins, they would report it to SS as a safeguarding issue.

In fairness, none of the above were DSs current school. But as a result of years of this (and the very clear implication that by being at work ft i wasn't parenting my children properly) I have become rather fed up with having to explain that i work, and that means i dont drop DS at school, I'm sometimes not there when he leaves in the morning and I'm never back til several hours after him in the evening.

I have had grief from schools about being a working mother for over a decade. I appreciate to some of you that may be contrary to your experience, but it's happened to me a lot. Not in relation to absence until recently, but previously things like being unable to come and collect a child from school at 30 mins notice, or to bring in a change of clothes, or why couldn't I attend various events or meetings in the middle of the school day at short notice. Or a particular favourite, that I had to be able to be contacted by the school at any time during the day (despite explaining I might be in court where phones must be switched off at all times) and if i failed to respond to their call within 30 mins, they would report it to SS as a safeguarding issue.

Yabvu.

That's not grief, that's just standard school policy. It's not the schools problem you're in court. They're not child minders.

Re the 30 minutes contact thing if the child is sick and needs to go home, what do you expect them to do? You can't just absolve yourself and say I'm in work. That's your problem. You're not the only parent ever to work you know. Do you think a teacher or other staff member should just stop thing fur the day and mind him? What about the other children's right to be educated and not be unnecessarily exposed to sicknesses?

Change of clothes, again what do you want the school to do there? Leave the child sitting in wet/soiled clothes/shoes all day until you get out of work?

Did you just expect to drop the child off and never be disturbed just because you work?

I'm flabbergasted that you think normal school policy was 'grief' !

Can you not cut back your hours for a while OP? Sorry but your teenagers obviously need more supervision, and its down to you to make sure they get it. It's not really fair to just say, well, I'm never here because I work and therefore they'll have to fend for themselves. They are your first responsibility. Can you start later or something?
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing working mums, far from it, I am one! But if you can't be there, or arrange some sort of grandparent or friend to be there, something will have to give and your kids come first surely?
I remember your other thread and thought that then as well, and it seems that nothing has changed. How can they be ok left for hours in the evening? I remember being a teen, they'll be up to all sorts!

Just to iterate I'm referring to the ten your period mentioned, I understand he's sixteen now and his responsibility to get himself to school.

I just can't believe you see school policy about sickness/being contactable Eric add 'grief' and that you believe you're being picked on especially because you work!